I'm throwing my hat in this ring with the disclaimer that the following is my point of view, and nothing more;

HUMANS are social creatures. We have evolved to be in the company of others. It is why we gather into groups...why we have circles of friends...why we choose MATES.

The title of the OP is very broad. Are Women...in GENERAL...better off single? NO.
Women and Men are "better off" emotionally, physically, financially, etc. with a mate. With someone to share their lives with...to feel love, to give love, and to face the struggles of this harsh world as a unified front.

Then we have an assortment of variables thrown in the mix.
What about Abuse? What about Inequality? What about X, Y & Z?

Well...what about it?

We all know, deep inside, that an abusive relationship is NOT worthwhile. Even those in one, deep inside, KNOW that it is wrong.
Is that person better off single? Well...I suppose it depends on the person.
There are people who actually CRAVE domination and control. If that is what makes them happy, and they're not being physically or emotionally harmed, then that is their lifestyle. But other than that...if a person is being dominated/controlled against their wishes...and chooses to stay in that relationship for whatever reason (money, sex, children, etc.) then the relationship is doomed to fail and eventually will. For the most part.

Now...getting back to the root of the question posed...in very general terms...Are Women Better Off Single? I would say NO. Is it a viable option? YES. Is being single "bad"? NO.

But IMO, to grow old without someone special is not the ideal.

And THAT is the Gospel According to PurpleJedi...a man raising 3 kids, who truly & genuinely misses having his "other half" to face the roadblocks ahead & snuggle with on cold nights - but certainly NOT enough to want to ever return to having a bad relationship.

Serious said:

How did this turn into a discussion about abuse and rape ?

It's totally weird.

Now we are getting copy and pastes about rape and assault that has nothing to do with being in a marriage or relationship.

JustErin said:

Serious said:

How did this turn into a discussion about abuse and rape ?

It's totally weird.

Now we are getting copy and pastes about rape and assault that has nothing to do with being in a marriage or relationship.

I don't get it

JustErin said:

Serious said:

How did this turn into a discussion about abuse and rape ?

It's totally weird.

Now we are getting copy and pastes about rape and assault that has nothing to do with being in a marriage or relationship.

^completely inaccurate statement. abuse happens in the contect of a relationship or marriage. why are you refusing to admit this is true?

*

agree to disagree. there is no point trying to make this point, here, to you.

[Edited 10/8/13 9:59am]

SeventeenDayze said:

Cerebus said:

Without reading this thread, or likely ever returning to it, I just want to know why this question would ONLY apply to women?

At what point is a guy an "old bachelor"? I had a convo with a woman who once lived in Manhattan for a decade and said the dating scene there is difficult because a lot of the men stay single until they are 45 or 50 and then they marry women who are 25, 26 years old. It seems that a woman who chooses not to be married by a certain age has to contend with the notion that there are men out there who will not date women their own age, for whatever reason, and then the woman should decide if it's worth lowering her standards if she cannot be alone. I am not sure if a man choosing to be alone is quite the same animal, so to speak, as a woman choosing/ending up alone.

If men your age date younger... then you date and older guy. Problem solved!

XxAxX said:

JustErin said:

It's totally weird.

Now we are getting copy and pastes about rape and assault that has nothing to do with being in a marriage or relationship.

^completely inaccurate statement. abuse happens in the contect of a relationship or marriage. why are you refusing to admit this is true?

I don't have any stats, nor will I look them up. But I feel pretty certain that abuse is neither the norm in most relationships, nor is it a factor that most men or women consider a forgone conclusion when thinking about entering a relationship. To post articles about abusive relationships to answer the question whether women are better off single doesn't make any sense to me. Of COURSE, anyone is better off NOT being abused. But...that's not really the question, is it?

And well said, PurpleJedi!

[Edited 10/8/13 10:01am]

Uhope said:

XxAxX said:

^completely inaccurate statement. abuse happens in the contect of a relationship or marriage. why are you refusing to admit this is true?

I don't have any stats, nor will I look them up. But I feel pretty certain that abuse is neither the norm in most relationships, nor is it a factor that most men or women consider a forgone conclusion when thinking about entering a relationship. To post articles about abusive relationships to answer the question whether women are better off single doesn't make any sense to me. Of COURSE, anyone is better off NOT being abused. But...that's not really the question, is it?

And well said, PurpleJedi!

[Edited 10/8/13 10:01am]

XxAxX said:

JustErin said:

It's totally weird.

Now we are getting copy and pastes about rape and assault that has nothing to do with being in a marriage or relationship.

^completely inaccurate statement. abuse happens in the contect of a relationship or marriage. why are you refusing to admit this is true?

*

agree to disagree. there is no point trying to make this point, here, to you.

[Edited 10/8/13 9:59am]

Nobody is denying abuse happens, still it has nothing to do with what this thread is about. It's like bringing up rape when discussing the fun of sex by saying when you are raped it's not fun. This thread is about relationships and not abuse.

XxAxX said:

JustErin said:

It's totally weird.

Now we are getting copy and pastes about rape and assault that has nothing to do with being in a marriage or relationship.

^completely inaccurate statement. abuse happens in the contect of a relationship or marriage. why are you refusing to admit this is true?

*

agree to disagree. there is no point trying to make this point, here, to you.

[Edited 10/8/13 9:59am]

Did the text you posted talk about relationships and marriage?

[Edited 10/8/13 10:24am]

@JustErin ; please read the article, THEN tell me why it doesn't belong on this thread. of COURSE it addresses relationships.

[Edited 10/8/13 10:26am]

paintedlady said:

SeventeenDayze said:

At what point is a guy an "old bachelor"? I had a convo with a woman who once lived in Manhattan for a decade and said the dating scene there is difficult because a lot of the men stay single until they are 45 or 50 and then they marry women who are 25, 26 years old. It seems that a woman who chooses not to be married by a certain age has to contend with the notion that there are men out there who will not date women their own age, for whatever reason, and then the woman should decide if it's worth lowering her standards if she cannot be alone. I am not sure if a man choosing to be alone is quite the same animal, so to speak, as a woman choosing/ending up alone.

If men your age date younger... then you date and older guy. Problem solved!

I've thought about (and attempted) to date 'older' men and it's been....interesting. I find from my experience that they were insecure about the age difference after a while or just too controlling for my taste. It takes too much energy for me to show them that I am their equal and not just some dumb broad.

SeventeenDayze said:

paintedlady said:

If men your age date younger... then you date and older guy. Problem solved!

I've thought about (and attempted) to date 'older' men and it's been....interesting. I find from my experience that they were insecure about the age difference after a while or just too controlling for my taste. It takes too much energy for me to show them that I am their equal and not just some dumb broad.

I am with a guy 13 years my senior. He WAS trying to be controlling.

Fixed that quick! All I did was say "I hear you and I understand". That opened the door for him to listen to me. He anticipates my needs too. Most times I don't need to tell him a thing. I also bring my "A" game in the sack every time. He's a different guy and we communicate beautifully.

I don't even cook for his ass.

XxAxX said:

^ how is domestic abuse NOT relevant to a discussion about being single as opposed to being in a relatipnship?*your interpretation of the thread title (it's not about abuse) is not necessarily the only one. and i would venture a guess that any woman who has been in an abusive relatinopship will have plenty to say about the benefits of being single.

[Edited 10/8/13 10:24am]

You posted an article about teens - I'm willing to guess that most if not all of those teens were NOT in marriages or maybe not even in serious relationships.

So was your goal to show the dangers of being a young single woman?

XxAxX said:

@JustErin:at this point, i feel you are being deliberately obtuse, in order to avoid admitting i made a legitimate point. this has become a waste of time.

You made the point a thousand times that abuse happens in relationships and not one person disputed it.

I agree that you making the same point over and over and over needlessly is a waste of..well...your time.

JustErin said:

paintedlady said:

SeventeenDayze said:

I've thought about (and attempted) to date 'older' men and it's been....interesting. I find from my experience that they were insecure about the age difference after a while or just too controlling for my taste. It takes too much energy for me to show them that I am their equal and not just some dumb broad.

I am with a guy 13 years my senior. He WAS trying to be controlling.

Fixed that quick! All I did was say "I hear you and I understand". That opened the door for him to listen to me. He anticipates my needs too. Most times I don't need to tell him a thing. I also bring my "A" game in the sack every time. He's a different guy and we communicate beautifully.

I don't even cook for his ass.

The guy that I am interested in now is 15 years older than me. I have seen a bit of change in him but it wasn't easy. I have, more than once, was very "to the point" on certain matters and didn't back down. When he talks to me about his ex-wife or something, I'm like wait a minute you are talking about stuff that happened back when I was in 2nd grade still? Whatever man! LOL....

I don't know if my friendship with him will last though. I have been single for a long time, relative to my age, and he's the one who is always in and out of relationships....

Being single by choice and being single by default, those are two different things, right?

PurpleJedi said:

I'm throwing my hat in this ring with the disclaimer that the following is my point of view, and nothing more;

HUMANS are social creatures. We have evolved to be in the company of others. It is why we gather into groups...why we have circles of friends...why we choose MATES.

The title of the OP is very broad. Are Women...in GENERAL...better off single? NO.
Women and Men are "better off" emotionally, physically, financially, etc. with a mate. With someone to share their lives with...to feel love, to give love, and to face the struggles of this harsh world as a unified front.

Then we have an assortment of variables thrown in the mix.
What about Abuse? What about Inequality? What about X, Y & Z?

Well...what about it?

We all know, deep inside, that an abusive relationship is NOT worthwhile. Even those in one, deep inside, KNOW that it is wrong.
Is that person better off single? Well...I suppose it depends on the person.
There are people who actually CRAVE domination and control. If that is what makes them happy, and they're not being physically or emotionally harmed, then that is their lifestyle. But other than that...if a person is being dominated/controlled against their wishes...and chooses to stay in that relationship for whatever reason (money, sex, children, etc.) then the relationship is doomed to fail and eventually will. For the most part.

Now...getting back to the root of the question posed...in very general terms...Are Women Better Off Single? I would say NO. Is it a viable option? YES. Is being single "bad"? NO.

But IMO, to grow old without someone special is not the ideal.

And THAT is the Gospel According to PurpleJedi...a man raising 3 kids, who truly & genuinely misses having his "other half" to face the roadblocks ahead & snuggle with on cold nights - but certainly NOT enough to want to ever return to having a bad relationship.

You're right. The title of this thread is too broad, but it was nice how you have broken everything down in precision. At the end of the day, it is every person's lifestyle choice.

SeventeenDayze said:

paintedlady said:

I am with a guy 13 years my senior. He WAS trying to be controlling.

Fixed that quick! All I did was say "I hear you and I understand". That opened the door for him to listen to me. He anticipates my needs too. Most times I don't need to tell him a thing. I also bring my "A" game in the sack every time. He's a different guy and we communicate beautifully.

I don't even cook for his ass.

The guy that I am interested in now is 15 years older than me. I have seen a bit of change in him but it wasn't easy. I have, more than once, was very "to the point" on certain matters and didn't back down. When he talks to me about his ex-wife or something, I'm like wait a minute you are talking about stuff that happened back when I was in 2nd grade still? Whatever man! LOL....

I don't know if my friendship with him will last though. I have been single for a long time, relative to my age, and he's the one who is always in and out of relationships....

Being single by choice and being single by default, those are two different things, right?

Its all in how you look at a situation. I know the guy I am dating is good for me.... and will not be someone else's cup of tea. I give him what he wants and he does the same for me. I was single for a long time also. I never think about WHY I was single. I just focused on me, learning me, what I needed to heal from my past relationship and just worked on healing on my own. Took about 4 years... almost? I don't think people should rush with love. Sometimes its fast, sometimes it takes a long time to find a good match.


I am glad I took that time to heal, worked on me and went into this current relationship with a new perspective. I found a guy whose demons I can live with. No one is perfect and finding someone who suits you depends on what your personality is like. I let go of being so vain, yet I ended up with an older guy who I think it quite sexy in his own special way. He makes me laugh and I would have him as a friend even if I wasn't humping him every chance I got.

So in your search for a guy, look for someone who you can be friends with more than any other trait... once you really like a guy, you will learn to love the way he looks and his age won't matter.... unless he is a minor.

paintedlady said:

SeventeenDayze said:

The guy that I am interested in now is 15 years older than me. I have seen a bit of change in him but it wasn't easy. I have, more than once, was very "to the point" on certain matters and didn't back down. When he talks to me about his ex-wife or something, I'm like wait a minute you are talking about stuff that happened back when I was in 2nd grade still? Whatever man! LOL....

I don't know if my friendship with him will last though. I have been single for a long time, relative to my age, and he's the one who is always in and out of relationships....

Being single by choice and being single by default, those are two different things, right?

Its all in how you look at a situation. I know the guy I am dating is good for me.... and will not be someone else's cup of tea. I give him what he wants and he does the same for me. I was single for a long time also. I never think about WHY I was single. I just focused on me, learning me, what I needed to heal from my past relationship and just worked on healing on my own. Took about 4 years... almost? I don't think people should rush with love. Sometimes its fast, sometimes it takes a long time to find a good match.


I am glad I took that time to heal, worked on me and went into this current relationship with a new perspective. I found a guy whose demons I can live with. No one is perfect and finding someone who suits you depends on what your personality is like. I let go of being so vain, yet I ended up with an older guy who I think it quite sexy in his own special way. He makes me laugh and I would have him as a friend even if I wasn't humping him every chance I got.

So in your search for a guy, look for someone who you can be friends with more than any other trait... once you really like a guy, you will learn to love the way he looks and his age won't matter.... unless he is a minor.

I just saw a movie yesterday called Enough Said about two people who were trying to get together but had obstacles in the way. Loved it and it made me think about what people do to sabotage relationships. One of the main things is that people try to change each other and it's not cool in the long run. But, if you're single and you see something that you don't like in a potential partner do you just accept it and not say a word? What if they are complaining about their weight but refuse to let go of their fast food diet? I guess finding a balance between telling someone to change and accepting them for who they are is tough.

SeventeenDayze said:

paintedlady said:

Its all in how you look at a situation. I know the guy I am dating is good for me.... and will not be someone else's cup of tea. I give him what he wants and he does the same for me. I was single for a long time also. I never think about WHY I was single. I just focused on me, learning me, what I needed to heal from my past relationship and just worked on healing on my own. Took about 4 years... almost? I don't think people should rush with love. Sometimes its fast, sometimes it takes a long time to find a good match.


I am glad I took that time to heal, worked on me and went into this current relationship with a new perspective. I found a guy whose demons I can live with. No one is perfect and finding someone who suits you depends on what your personality is like. I let go of being so vain, yet I ended up with an older guy who I think it quite sexy in his own special way. He makes me laugh and I would have him as a friend even if I wasn't humping him every chance I got.

So in your search for a guy, look for someone who you can be friends with more than any other trait... once you really like a guy, you will learn to love the way he looks and his age won't matter.... unless he is a minor.

I just saw a movie yesterday called Enough Said about two people who were trying to get together but had obstacles in the way. Loved it and it made me think about what people do to sabotage relationships. One of the main things is that people try to change each other and it's not cool in the long run. But, if you're single and you see something that you don't like in a potential partner do you just accept it and not say a word? What if they are complaining about their weight but refuse to let go of their fast food diet? I guess finding a balance between telling someone to change and accepting them for who they are is tough.

If you first get to know yourself, you will be able to answer those questions yourself.

SeventeenDayze said:

paintedlady said:

Its all in how you look at a situation. I know the guy I am dating is good for me.... and will not be someone else's cup of tea. I give him what he wants and he does the same for me. I was single for a long time also. I never think about WHY I was single. I just focused on me, learning me, what I needed to heal from my past relationship and just worked on healing on my own. Took about 4 years... almost? I don't think people should rush with love. Sometimes its fast, sometimes it takes a long time to find a good match.


I am glad I took that time to heal, worked on me and went into this current relationship with a new perspective. I found a guy whose demons I can live with. No one is perfect and finding someone who suits you depends on what your personality is like. I let go of being so vain, yet I ended up with an older guy who I think it quite sexy in his own special way. He makes me laugh and I would have him as a friend even if I wasn't humping him every chance I got.

So in your search for a guy, look for someone who you can be friends with more than any other trait... once you really like a guy, you will learn to love the way he looks and his age won't matter.... unless he is a minor.

I just saw a movie yesterday called Enough Said about two people who were trying to get together but had obstacles in the way. Loved it and it made me think about what people do to sabotage relationships. One of the main things is that people try to change each other and it's not cool in the long run. But, if you're single and you see something that you don't like in a potential partner do you just accept it and not say a word? What if they are complaining about their weight but refuse to let go of their fast food diet? I guess finding a balance between telling someone to change and accepting them for who they are is tough.

I can only speak aboutme... but I stopped trying to change any man. I work on me ONLY. If a guy has "demons" then I choose the demons I am willing to work with.

So the example you just gave me... if a guy is whiny and I see he is insecure I leave him, because insecurity is a demon I can not deal with. If he just has issues with his body ONLY, then I just reassure him that he is sexy to me and to only focus on his health. Weight is not an issue for me.

paintedlady said:

SeventeenDayze said:

I just saw a movie yesterday called Enough Said about two people who were trying to get together but had obstacles in the way. Loved it and it made me think about what people do to sabotage relationships. One of the main things is that people try to change each other and it's not cool in the long run. But, if you're single and you see something that you don't like in a potential partner do you just accept it and not say a word? What if they are complaining about their weight but refuse to let go of their fast food diet? I guess finding a balance between telling someone to change and accepting them for who they are is tough.

I can only speak aboutme... but I stopped trying to change any man. I work on me ONLY. If a guy has "demons" then I choose the demons I am willing to work with.

So the example you just gave me... if a guy is whiny and I see he is insecure I leave him, because insecurity is a demon I can not deal with. If he just has issues with his body ONLY, then I just reassure him that he is sexy to me and to only focus on his health. Weight is not an issue for me.

Yes, it's good advice to tell someone to know what they can and cannot deal with in a relationship. I guess I might be better off alone in the long run. What scares me is that my family is REALLY small and not very close knit, so in the next decade or so, things are going to be very different. I would probably be preoccupied with taking care of older parents and probably miss the boat altogether for finding a decent guy. I think I'm still young but I have seen and experienced enough to be kinda skeptical that it will get better. I try to give guys a chance but it seems like they find me to be to quirky or something. The guy who I am friends with now seems okay but the demons that he has admitted to have really been earth shattering...I care for him as a friend but I told him that I would never marry him or have kids with him. Never.

We should not want to run our life alone, yet we should pray to God for getting right one.

tofayel said:

We should not want to run our life alone, yet we should pray to God for getting right one.

Yeah I agree. Just not sure if God wants me to be in a relationship because it's always been difficult for whatever reason. I dunno, maybe it's just not meant to be.

Interesting thread. I appreciate the honesty here and all points of view, including those of XxaxX and JustErin and everyone else. I'm not sure why there's not room enough for a full rounded discussion from every angle and I do find XxaxX's perspective relevant. She is speaking about the cultural forces at large and what defines women's/girl's development into relationship and the strongarmed social dynamics that play out well into adulthood. It's looking at the issue from the point of view of social context, not just an emotional/human one. She is complicating the discussion in a way that is not simply distracting or non-beneficial, in my opinion.

I saw a really good looking (understatement) guy today and, as I have done many times before, I thought to myself "Wow, he's hot but he probably wouldn't like me."

I have done this thousands of times and I don't know why. I have given guys a "chance" whom I thought perhaps I wasn't intensely attracted to and they ended up being jerks as well, so looks don't matter either way.

Does any other women do this too? Am I the only chick who sees a guy and just second later you have yourself convinced that he wouldn't like you and you let him get away?