Thanks to Prince’s Super Bowl performance, The Coalition Of The Mothers & Fathers Of Children Panicked That Their Kids Will Wake Up One Day And Discover That They Have Genitalia will be working ‘round the clock to get the following guitar guidelines passed into U.S. law:

1) The guitar shall no longer be played in public such that its neck can protrude uncomfortably outward and upward from the waist region.

2) Playing the guitar at face level remains okay, primarily because this just looks like the beak of a big bird and can be quite witty.

3) The preferred method of handling a guitar will be to lay it flat and play it as if you were tickling a newborn. We think the steel guitar players are terrific role models here, just so long as the guitar is part of a table structure and not laid across the lap.

4) The body of most guitars is too curvy and suggestive of the female form. All curves are to be spackled out immediately. The more rectangular you can make the guitar’s body, the better. A pear shape is also acceptable.

5) We understand the auditory need for the hole in the center, but were seeking for it to be closed whenever the guitar is artificially amplified. We’ve considered mandating a patriotic star shape, but have since realized the potential for abusive visualization here as well.

6) Furthermore were looking into there being a whole lot less hand play in and around this acoustic orifice. But we’re naturally cognizant of the constraints this might put on picking and strumming.

7) No more suggestive faces while holding notes or chords. Such behavior is obviously rooted in masturbation and orgasmic bliss imagery. Anything beyond a wink will be considered rude and/or vulgar and will be open to subjective fines.

8) If one must slide their hand up and down the neck of the guitar, it must be slid slowly enough that no untoward images are ever conjured. Sliding your hand too slowly will be considered sensuous and will also not be tolerated.

I dunno, it did kinda look like a penis...

Thanks to Prince’s Super Bowl performance, The Coalition Of The Mothers & Fathers Of Children Panicked That Their Kids Will Wake Up One Day And Discover That They Have Genitalia will be working ‘round the clock to get the following guitar guidelines passed into U.S. law:

1) The guitar shall no longer be played in public such that its neck can protrude uncomfortably outward and upward from the waist region.

2) Playing the guitar at face level remains okay, primarily because this just looks like the beak of a big bird and can be quite witty.

3) The preferred method of handling a guitar will be to lay it flat and play it as if you were tickling a newborn. We think the steel guitar players are terrific role models here, just so long as the guitar is part of a table structure and not laid across the lap.

4) The body of most guitars is too curvy and suggestive of the female form. All curves are to be spackled out immediately. The more rectangular you can make the guitar’s body, the better. A pear shape is also acceptable.

5) We understand the auditory need for the hole in the center, but were seeking for it to be closed whenever the guitar is artificially amplified. We’ve considered mandating a patriotic star shape, but have since realized the potential for abusive visualization here as well.

6) Furthermore were looking into there being a whole lot less hand play in and around this acoustic orifice. But we’re naturally cognizant of the constraints this might put on picking and strumming.

7) No more suggestive faces while holding notes or chords. Such behavior is obviously rooted in masturbation and orgasmic bliss imagery. Anything beyond a wink will be considered rude and/or vulgar and will be open to subjective fines.

8) If one must slide their hand up and down the neck of the guitar, it must be slid slowly enough that no untoward images are ever conjured. Sliding your hand too slowly will be considered sensuous and will also not be tolerated.

4) The body of most guitars is too curvy and suggestive of the female form. All curves are to be spackled out immediately. The more rectangular you can make the guitar’s body, the better. A pear shape is also acceptable.

Brendan said:

nuh-uh! there's pear-shaped women out there, too...same with those with no curves at all. may as well just give it all up and have it so nothing's acceptable but air guitars.

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

Maybe he could play a Lute next time...

Brendan said:

nuh-uh! there's pear-shaped women out there, too...same with those with no curves at all. may as well just give it all up and have it so nothing's acceptable but air guitars.

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

They’re working on that one. Here’s the rough draft:

9) The movements of an air guitarist can easily be misconstrued without the proper context. It is therefore mandated that the hands of the air guitarist be held out at arm's length, perpendicular to the body and preferably gloved at all times while participating in the miming of the old system of guitar playing.

paisley2002 said:

It seems like the critics will find any reason to keep Prince out of the mainstream. They don't understand some of the things he's done, like changing his name to a symbol, wearing buttless pants, or acting all mystical and mysterious for a while there. The true fans stuck by him, but the general public exiled him. I feel like they just can't get over the past, and recognize Prince for who, and what, he really is. They'd much rather see him as the weird guy with the heels and squiggly name than a true musical genius.

I almost feel sad for them. They don't know what they're missing.

MikeMatronik said:

It's just certain people in America, Mike. There are some people who like to make a sensation and a scandal out of everything. They are trying to point fingers at someone else to distract from their own problems. These kinds of people can be found all over the world, and they come in many different shapes, sizes, and colors.

Tom said:

You ain't right!!

Sometimes a guitar is just a guitar

Once again this country is SO STUPID!! That image bothers someone?? In the middle of the Superbowl filled with commercials showing tits and ass, and commercials talking about prolonged erections, give me a fucking break with this country already, no wonder we are looked at like morons around the world, because we are in uproar over Princes guitar movement, what is this 1950 where Elvis had to be filmed waist up, we really havent made any progress

This is completely ridiculous. They are tryin' to make something outa nothin' because he did so good there is nothin' else for them to be critical of!
Everyone is lookin' for a mistake and there's not one.

Once again this country is SO STUPID!! That image bothers someone?? In the middle of the Superbowl filled with commercials showing tits and ass, and commercials talking about prolonged erections, give me a fucking break with this country already, no wonder we are looked at like morons around the world, because we are in uproar over Princes guitar movement, what is this 1950 where Elvis had to be filmed waist up, we really havent made any progress

He has always played the guitar this way, so I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like he had stuff spewing out of it like in the old days.