I have a new neighbor, moved in upstairs about a month ago.

She is a single mom with two kids, a girl -age9 and a boy- age3

She seems very sweet, and nice, and is a smoker and I spoke to her one day while she was out on the front stoop smoking a cigarette. I am a non-smoker and usualy never like talking to people while they smoke, but stayed down-wind and stayed polite. We spoke for maybe 5 minutes.

This was maybe last Saturday....

Monday she brought me a cake, which I thought was a very lovely surprise, and quite nice of her to do....

Tuesday, she brought me 4 chocolate covered strawberries... one for each of us... I sorta was weirded out but then found out she gave chocolate strawberries to other neighbors too.

I thanked her and decided to spend a little time with her out of courtesy, we went upstairs to her place because I didn't want her to leave her kids unattended...

I was shocked to see hangers all over her floor STILL and the place was a mess, she was still half-un packed with three large suitcases still open in the middle of the floor with clothing strewn about and the kitchen was in a total mess from the strawberries and chocolate she made.

I became concerned because it seemed like the order of her home was not important to her and I wondered if she uses her "baking" as a avoidance behavior and the kids suffer as a result.

She wouldn't let me help her straighten up, and poured me a HUGE glass of wine without asking if I wanted a drink. She just handed me this huge glass and I felt pressured into accepting it, but she would not accept help with her kitchen nor did I even have a place to sit down because the place was in such dissarray. She seemed to want to just talk and wanted to come over my place and then started talking of having her kids at my place for "family nights".

Today is Wednesday, she came over with a chocolate cake. I was sleepy because it was after 8pm and I stayed up the night before watching the election results on TV. I was a mess and apologized for not wanting company.

My older son (age 21) told me she seems like a stalker.

What do I do? Should I be worried? I seriously do NOT want sweets given to me and my kids on a daily basis. How do I handle this? I don't want to come off un-neighborly.

[Edited 11/12/12 18:39pm]

hmm....it does sound odd. giving someone a cake once in while, or some cookies is nice, but everyday is really weird! if she keeps bringing you baked goods, i would tell her that you really love everything that she's given you, but that she shouldn't feel like she needs to do this on a regular basis just to make friends with the neighbors. i know it sounds rude, but i don't know a nice way to say it?

[Edited 11/7/12 20:10pm]

What kind of wine?

uniden said:

hmm....it does sound odd. giving someone a cake once in while, or some cookies is nice, but everyday is really weird! if she keeps bringing you baked goods, i would tell her that you really love everything that she's given you, but that she shouldn't feel like she needs to do this on a regular basis just to make friends with the neighbors. i know it sounds rude, but i don't know a nice way to say it?

[Edited 11/7/12 20:10pm]

There really is no nice way of putting it is there?

Poor thing, and all that baking she does for the neighbors and her home is... well, it was unexpected.Since I expect people who bake usually do so when the house is in order and have everthing else neat and tidy.

TY, this helps me because I thought maybe I was being like a jerk feeling the way I do.

HuMpThAnG said:

What kind of wine?

She cut open a pouch of Arbor Mist and poured me a glass of 1/2 frozen slushy type wine... it seemed like a berry flavored Moscato.

It was tasty, but it was a large amount and I didn't even want any wine.

Paintedlady, I had this happen to me once! This girl, I thought she was so nice at first and at the time I was in beauty school and every damn day when I came home from school she would be sitting on my front porch waiting for me! Every damn day! And would just follow me inside as I unlocked my door. I could hardly get rid of her! At the time I was in my 20's and not assertive enough to tell her to go away. But it sounds like you have, if not a stalker, then at the very least a very disturbed individual! HER kids coming to YOUR house for "family night"? Is that what you said? WTF?!!!

HuMpThAnG said:

What kind of wine?

I'm slow...

What do you think? Do you agree with Uniden?

I'm starting to think that as a society we've lost our talent/skills at being social. I feel we see how things are on TV and we try SO hard to live up to that heavily edited ideal only to find that it doesn't work that way in reality.

She's trying really hard to be neighborly and her baked goods are attempts at reaching your inner circle of friends, same with the wine.

And please don't misunderstand, I'm socially awkward and I barely know my neighbors (most likely because my past is littered with people who took advantage of my good will) and yet I find that when I meet new people I'm almost hyper-eager to gain their trust.

Wait a bit and see how it progresses...

paintedlady said:

HuMpThAnG said:

What kind of wine?

I'm slow...

What do you think? Do you agree with Uniden?

RenHoek said:

I'm starting to think that as a society we've lost our talent/skills at being social. I feel we see how things are on TV and we try SO hard to live up to that heavily edited ideal only to find that it doesn't work that way in reality.

She's trying really hard to be neighborly and her baked goods are attempts at reaching your inner circle of friends, same with the wine.

And please don't misunderstand, I'm socially awkward and I barely know my neighbors (most likely because my past is littered with people who took advantage of my good will) and yet I find that when I meet new people I'm almost hyper-eager to gain their trust.

Wait a bit and see how it progresses...

This, but you can still say your on a diet and that her bake goods are derailing that. Friends should want to support you in your efforts.

But her home in disarray and those kids

Are the kids clean and well fed?

Something ain't right.

She could be trying to butter you up, so you can watch her kids. Don't be surprised if one day she comes to your door [with more sweets ] asking if you can watch her kids for a minute, because of some "emergency" that just came up; When in reality, she's just trying to get the bottom knocked out of her ass by some dude. Either that, or she's into you. I would suggest being distant...or make some shit up about how you don't have much time to do stuff anymore.

She could just also need a friend too though...

Well, what if you bake things for her that are quite horrible, like a cake you forgot to put some sugar in. Ask her to mind your kids for a minute (and ask your kids to SPY on her ) BEFORE she has a chance to ask you to mind hers. Make yourself seem unreliable and untrustworthy

ZombieKitten said:

Well, what if you bake things for her that are quite horrible, like a cake you forgot to put some sugar in. Ask her to mind your kids for a minute (and ask your kids to SPY on her ) BEFORE she has a chance to ask you to mind hers. Make yourself seem unreliable and untrustworthy

Is that a good idea? I mean, she does smoke & is kinda odd. I wouldn't want my children around that.

Tittypants said:

ZombieKitten said:

Well, what if you bake things for her that are quite horrible, like a cake you forgot to put some sugar in. Ask her to mind your kids for a minute (and ask your kids to SPY on her ) BEFORE she has a chance to ask you to mind hers. Make yourself seem unreliable and untrustworthy

Is that a good idea? I mean, she does smoke & is kinda odd. I wouldn't want my children around that.

for a minute, and get the kids to complain incessantly about it!

Sounds dodgy to me, but could be innocent too, maybe shes a bit tired from spending her whole life around her kids and wants some adult company. The wine (Sounds cheap and nasty, but hey she probably doesnt have much money to throw around), cakes and strawberries are probably her way of breaking the ice.

But yeah, she could become too demanding and then get all Crazy when you start to spurn her advances.

One way of dealing with people whose actions are unclear or with which we are uncomfortable with is to ask "Why".

Ask her why she is doing this.

She has to come up with a justifiable reson then.

My guess is she will either stop and leave you alone or give her the chance to communicate more effectively.

In either case if you are not happy with her response tell her so and request/tell her to stop.

Steadwood said:

One way of dealing with people whose actions are unclear or with which we are uncomfortable with is to ask "Why".

Ask her why she is doing this.

Reasonable question!

Other than that, I think you're starting to jump to conclusions too quickly.

Can't a person be nice? She probably just wants company and to be accepted.

As for the house, bah, sometimes you just can't be bothered and do it little bit by bit. To a person that isn't bothered by a little mess, like me, we can't understand why many others get their knickers in a knot about it. It's not the end of the world

luv4u said:

But her home in disarray and those kids

Are the kids clean and well fed?

Something ain't right.

Her daughter was up, baby boy was asleep. Daughter is a little angel, sweet child like her mother.

So to me she is a loving mom, but her apartment....

Her house was so nasty, you would NOT want to eat from there. I was being um, nice, but I was stepping on hangers, towels, clothing ... not one inch of floor could be seen. The kitchen was littered with dirty pots and pans and stuff was everywhere, so much so I asked if I could help straighten up. She refused the help so I left that alone. Her kids were alseep in the middle of the living room, which has a full sized bed, with a bunch of sheets and laundry piled high on one side and both kids laying there watching TV. No sofas, opened suitcaes with clothing half-way out.

There was little furniture and I think she is still "in transition" and not settled in yet so the bed in the living room didn't shock me.

What shocked me was the high volume of mess, and she's been there an entire month now.

I am a firm believer of taking care of home first, so this scene set off major red-flags to me because I do not want a women using me to socialize with and using my apartment because she is too overwhelmed to deal with her own.

I like my quite apartment, my kids are gettinmg older, and she already wants to come over and spend "family nights" together.

She has a 3 year old, hell no! I hate other people's kids and don't want to run a Romper room because she wants a friend to keep her out of her own messy place.

I may be jumping to conclusions, but I would never let my kids be in a mess like that, then walk around playing Martha Steward to the neighbors.

And everyday??? OK, I am gonna have to turn down her next offer of baked goodies politely because after seeing her nitchen I can't eat from her home.

I can not tell her that, so I will go with what Kewlschool said and play the "I'm on a diet" card.

I will invite her to a nutritional class I go to on Tuesdays though.

lauralevesque said:

Paintedlady, I had this happen to me once! This girl, I thought she was so nice at first and at the time I was in beauty school and every damn day when I came home from school she would be sitting on my front porch waiting for me! Every damn day! And would just follow me inside as I unlocked my door. I could hardly get rid of her! At the time I was in my 20's and not assertive enough to tell her to go away. But it sounds like you have, if not a stalker, then at the very least a very disturbed individual! HER kids coming to YOUR house for "family night"? Is that what you said? WTF?!!!

Yes, she came with cake, so I let her in...

she looked around and said,

"Oh!! Its so quiet here! You guys seems so nice, my daughter would love your daughter, we should do family night together on Fridays!"

My adult son and I were like

I like my evenings ALONE with my quiet kids... I can not even begin to tell you how quiet my kids are, it is peaceful and when my kids do get loud, its only because of laughter. Our mojo is perfect and when ever we introduce other people/kids... I get a headache from the noise and turn into Oscar the Grouch.

Seriously! I learned I hate other people's noise... and kids come with noise.

I guess it is possible that she's just trying to be neighborly with the baked goods but that she's just extremely akward

but no, I'm like you- can't stand no screaming kids! My kids are grown but my house was like yours when they were little, quiet, calm, my kids knew how to behave!

Lock your doors.

luv4u said:

But her home in disarray and those kids

Are the kids clean and well fed?

Something ain't right.

she sounds like she's suffering from depression, or she's running away from something, someone, or a sticky situation. i'd keep her at a distance. [when a new and totally unknown person invites their self into my life, neighbor or not, i become very cautious - and yes, something about them is not right]

i politely un-invite them out of my life, cordially with an aire of directness - and when they come to my door i answer it, let them talk for a short minute, but do not let them enter. eventually they get the idea.

plus if her dwelling is nasty and in disarray, then i'd question the cleanliness of her cooking habits.

[Edited 11/8/12 8:51am]

nd33 said:

Steadwood said:

One way of dealing with people whose actions are unclear or with which we are uncomfortable with is to ask "Why".

Ask her why she is doing this.

Reasonable question!

Other than that, I think you're starting to jump to conclusions too quickly.

Can't a person be nice? She probably just wants company and to be accepted.

As for the house, bah, sometimes you just can't be bothered and do it little bit by bit. To a person that isn't bothered by a little mess, like me, we can't understand why many others get their knickers in a knot about it. It's not the end of the world

Oh no, when I first met her she told me she LOVED baking and that was "her thing" and she always baked for her neighbors in the last apartment she lived in.

So when she came by with the baked goods she proclaimed that she loves baking and came over with a cake... then the next day, then the next....

thing is, is this her "thing" because she is lonely? I do not want someone in my home daily because she hates to be alone and needs a friend.

I am a "loner" and I like to be left alone.

I enjoy being with my kids, or a girlfriend or two, but I also enjoy the peace of spending an afternoon walking the city or a walk along the beach, alone just enjoying the sounds of the waves.

I am not her type I think.

It is a reasonalble question... I do think I will have more dialog with her and see why she is doing what she does.

[Edited 11/8/12 8:49am]

Tittypants said:

She could be trying to butter you up, so you can watch her kids. Don't be surprised if one day she comes to your door [with more sweets ] asking if you can watch her kids for a minute, because of some "emergency" that just came up; When in reality, she's just trying to get the bottom knocked out of her ass by some dude. Either that, or she's into you. I would suggest being distant...or make some shit up about how you don't have much time to do stuff anymore.

She could just also need a friend too though...

You think EXACTLY the same way my boyfriend does...

he told me to "watch out" "she likes you".

We both laughed, but I knew he wasn't joking.

I am not worried about her having any romantic feelings, but I am worried about her baking goods for favors later on.

Adorecream said:

Sounds dodgy to me, but could be innocent too, maybe shes a bit tired from spending her whole life around her kids and wants some adult company. The wine (Sounds cheap and nasty, but hey she probably doesnt have much money to throw around), cakes and strawberries are probably her way of breaking the ice.

But yeah, she could become too demanding and then get all Crazy when you start to spurn her advances.

My fear...

and I hope not.

Good Lord, I do not want that to happen, she is a neighbor after all. I like to be nice but would hate to end up having to cuss her out over her bahavior...

Why am I thinking of that movie "The Cable Guy" ???

I so hope not!

ZombieKitten said:

Well, what if you bake things for her that are quite horrible, like a cake you forgot to put some sugar in. Ask her to mind your kids for a minute (and ask your kids to SPY on her ) BEFORE she has a chance to ask you to mind hers. Make yourself seem unreliable and untrustworthy

I could make her the dreaded "soupita" ... its a horrible dish, or some dodgy "Hispanic" orange colored lasagne like my mom makes.

Let me stop... I can not even pretend to be bothered, Good Lord I think I am like Oscar the Grouch!

"Stop knocking on my can!! " -Me

free2bfreeda said:

luv4u said:

But her home in disarray and those kids

Are the kids clean and well fed?

Something ain't right.

she sounds like she's suffering from depression, or she's running away from something, someone, or a sticky situation. i'd keep her at a distance. [when a new and totally unknown person invites their self into my life, neighbor or not, i become very cautious - and yes, something about them is not right]

i politely un-invite them out of my life, cordially with an aire of directness - and when they come to my door i answer it, let them talk for a short minute, but do not let them enter. eventually they get the idea.

plus if her dwelling is nasty and in disarray, then i'd question the cleanliness of her cooking habits.

[Edited 11/8/12 8:51am]

I thought depression/mental illness may be a factor when I saw the state of her home.

It weird to me that one would take the time to bake goods for neighbors and the cakes are pretty, well made, and decorated nicely... looked like much time and effort went into the process, then to see such neglect in how she takes care of home.

She still had her kids living out of suitcases WEEKS after she moved in, yet has time to play Martha Stewart?

If ya goon go the Martha route, then I expect to see doilies on everything and the house smelling like flowers, everything neat and tidy.

Hey, I myself am not a neat freak, but I do not live in a trashed home either. Balance is key.

I hope she is not depressed... I feel badly now. She may need a friend but I now want to run for the hills.

Tonight, she may come by with another baked something...

I will update on what ever happens.

paintedlady said:

uniden said:

hmm....it does sound odd. giving someone a cake once in while, or some cookies is nice, but everyday is really weird! if she keeps bringing you baked goods, i would tell her that you really love everything that she's given you, but that she shouldn't feel like she needs to do this on a regular basis just to make friends with the neighbors. i know it sounds rude, but i don't know a nice way to say it?

[Edited 11/7/12 20:10pm]

There really is no nice way of putting it is there?

Poor thing, and all that baking she does for the neighbors and her home is... well, it was unexpected.Since I expect people who bake usually do so when the house is in order and have everthing else neat and tidy.

TY, this helps me because I thought maybe I was being like a jerk feeling the way I do.

No...she sounds a little odd, alright.

I love the cake baking/dessert making touch...very old school and provincial. A lot of people where I live in Germany actually send introductory notes to their neighbors when they first arrive or invite them to a casual housewarming shortly after they move in...that way, everybody gets to check each other out I actually take a lot of food samples to neighbors, but we already know each other for a bit now, and it's usually an extra portion left over from what I was already cooking for this house. I just drop it off and say "deuces". They're happy, thankful, and we just hit each other up whenever, without any kind of expectation. I like that old fashioned neighbor stuff...but then there's...well, weird.

I wouldn't even be alarmed at the mess in her house because it reminds me a little of my sister-in law, Not entirely though, (no hangers and open suitcases), but she's very esoteric; when you walk in the house instruments, art supplies and sheet music are everywhere, stuff is all over her piano and random flamenco costumes are hung wherever she happened to find a space (she used to live in S. America ) and fung shui books, of all things- are in every room She's very airy and listless and her "environmental randomness" drives her brother (my dude) nuts, but she is a fantasic mom with an incredibly bright, well-adjusted kid, and one of the most incredible bakers planet earth has ever seen. She makes, like bakery art ....but, I can't see her baking cakes for anybody off the street every other day She's still German, and a Northern one at that--- so they are very cool and have to check you out a bit to see where you're coming from before they want to share themselves, whether they're conservative or quirky. This is what makes your neighbor sound a little off...she didn't take any time to ease in.

One dessert a la "Gladys Kravitz" from Bewitched or "Bree Vandekamp" from Desperate Houseives is cool and all, but all that extra stuff, in the beginning when you just meet someone...that's a little weird.

Although we do have a new neighbor we don't know who's making too much f***ing noise at night when folks have to get up and work the next day, so I do forsee a nice dessert from me in their future for me to butter them up...it'll soften the blow for when I have to ask them to shut the &§%$!!*! at night at a later time.