Justice League

1/5
The Joss Whedon parts are jarring to point of being childish and made-for-tv quality.
This movie jumps all over the place and CGI looked rushed, unfinished and just plain awful. It just wasn't a good movie to watch period. The 'fun' parts were goofy in a bad way and awkward and didnt fit in the movie at all. The story and plot lacked everything set up in the previous movies (Batman's vision, Flash's warning, the dirt lifting up from Superman's cofin.) and 90% of footage and dialogs in the trailers that hinted at a continouation of the plot and storyline of previous movies were not in this at all!

Avoid this movie if you liked Man of Steel, Batman v Superman and Wonder Woman because those movies have nothing to do with this one. If you liked Suicide Squad then this is a perfect movie for you and fits in that same universe.
Too bad WB abandoned the Man of Steel/BvS DC universe and are creating this new and crappy Suicide Squad/Justice League DC universe.

Rebecca (1940) Beautifully shot, gothicly toned movie that is suspenseful and suprising. I loved seeing it unfold for the first time knowing almost nothing about it. 10/10

Not as bad as feared, but still bad.

Really good!

Ace said:

namepeace said:

When Harry Met Sally (1989)

One of the best Woody Allen films Woody Allen didn't make.

While this borrows some of the trappings of late-70s-mid-80s Woody (Manhattan setting; pre-'50s popular song; neurotic, Jewish male lead), I feel it doesn't have anywhere near the substance of his films. And he rarely does such an unmitigated "happy ending".

I know it's a very popular movie, though.

...By the way: Whenever this flick is mentioned, the phrase "Nora Ephron accidentally ruined a lot of lives" runs through my head. Here's why:

http://catdir.loc.gov/cat...535-s.html

Fair points, but few films in the Woody Allen mode ever do.

Last night my son and I watched The Last Two-Thirds Of A Movie, and what a movie! I won't tell you what it was, but I'll give you a hint:

"I feel the need...the need for speed!"

Here's another hint:

"I'm too close for missiles. I'm switching to guns."

Still another hint:

"Maverick's going supersonic, I'll be there in thirty seconds."

And SURELY this one will give it away:

"Those Migs must be close, because I've got a hard-on!"

If you have not guessed that we Watched The Last Two-Thirds of "Top Gun", then you are not a true 'Murican and must relinquish your MAGA hat immediately. (Or, preferably, burn it along with any other apparel promoting our current president.)

But seriously - what a GREAT movie "Top Gun" is! And I really mean that. After the movie ended, with those two Tomcats flying into the setting orange sun, well...I was ready to enlist right then and there.

Hey, did I tell you about the time I really DID try to enlist in the Navy?

Backstory: We took our son to his first airshow in 1995, when he was 20 months old, and he fell in love with the US Navy's Blue Angels. As did I! We went all over the USA watching the Blue Angels fly. We even built a custom bed for our son, which was basically a three-sided box with all interior and exterior walls painted with scenes featuring the Blue Angels. It was such a cool bed that when my son out-grew it, I sent pics to the Blue Angels and offered it to anyone on the team that wanted it. Their publicity officer took it! I should follow-up with them and see if they passed that bed around.

So after a couple years dedicated to airshows, and to about 200 viewings of the greatest documentary ever made ("Around the World at the Speed of Sound", a Blue Angels documentary hosted by Dennis Quaid. IT IS AWESOME), I got extra-inspired and decided I wanted to be a part of the same Navy as the Blue Angels.

First I went to the Naval recruiting office in the mall, not realizing there was a difference between the Navy and the Naval Reserves. But there IS a difference, as I learned when the Naval recruiting officer told me, "This is the REAL Navy, sir. You want the Naval Reserve office, which is on Highway 3". With my tail tucked in, I went to that office.

Long story short, it turned out I was too old to be accepted. Their age limit was 35; they'd usually take anyone 36; someone 37 needed a reccomendation from their Congressman. I was two months shy of 38, and there was just no way. Bummer! So while I've never served, I have at least put my name on the dotted line at a recruiting office.

Of course, I'd not told Mrs. RodeoSchro of my plan to enlist. As I was driving back to the office, she called on my cell phone. The conversation went like this:

MRS. RODEOSCHRO: Where are you?

ME: Coming back to the office.

PAUSE

MRS. RODEOSCHRO: You didn't just join the Navy, did you?

I DROVE OFF THE ROAD AND CRASHED INTO A CHURCH.

Not really, but how the %&*^% did she know?!? Funny thing - if I had been accepted, and served my 20 years, this is the year in which I would have retired from the Reserves.

Anyway, back to "Top Gun". It is a perfect and perfectly cheesy movie. Therefore it gets five Leather Jackets With Unit Patches out of a possible five Leather Jackets With Unit Patches. Kick the tires and light the fires!

The best movies now are on tv.

namepeace said:

Ace said:

While this borrows some of the trappings of late-70s-mid-80s Woody (Manhattan setting; pre-'50s popular song; neurotic, Jewish male lead), I feel it doesn't have anywhere near the substance of his films. And he rarely does such an unmitigated "happy ending".

I know it's a very popular movie, though.

...By the way: Whenever this flick is mentioned, the phrase "Nora Ephron accidentally ruined a lot of lives" runs through my head. Here's why:

http://catdir.loc.gov/cat...535-s.html

Fair points, but few films in the Woody Allen mode ever do.

JorisE73 said:

Justice League

1/5
The Joss Whedon parts are jarring to point of being childish and made-for-tv quality.
This movie jumps all over the place and CGI looked rushed, unfinished and just plain awful. It just wasn't a good movie to watch period. The 'fun' parts were goofy in a bad way and awkward and didnt fit in the movie at all. The story and plot lacked everything set up in the previous movies (Batman's vision, Flash's warning, the dirt lifting up from Superman's cofin.) and 90% of footage and dialogs in the trailers that hinted at a continouation of the plot and storyline of previous movies were not in this at all!

Avoid this movie if you liked Man of Steel, Batman v Superman and Wonder Woman because those movies have nothing to do with this one. If you liked Suicide Squad then this is a perfect movie for you and fits in that same universe.
Too bad WB abandoned the Man of Steel/BvS DC universe and are creating this new and crappy Suicide Squad/Justice League DC universe.

Oh God.... ..

My lady friend took ill and we didn't see this last weekend.... Now I'm dreading this crap even more... with the SUICIDE SQUAD comparison... Thanks.

Maybe I'll eat some expired sauce and avoid this one.

sexton said:

damosuzuki said:

jules & jim - 4/5

the great dictator - 3.5/5

cries & whispers - 4/5

sweet smell of success 4.5/5

You are really going through the Sight and Sound list at an incredible pace. My comments very quickly:

Truffaut's The 400 Blows is an excellent companion to Godard's Breathless so I look forward to investigating Jules and Jim.

I've read Chaplin's The Great Dictator hasn't aged well and Chaplin himself said in retrospect Hitler may not have been an appropriate subject to satirize. I've seen City Lights and Modern Times though and think both of those are great.

I'd like to rewatch a few of Bergman's pre-70s movies before diving into Cries and Whispers. Next month would be a good time followed by Autumn Sonata (not on the list) which would segue smoothly into a repeat holiday viewing of his opus, the five-hour version of Fanny and Alexande
ce.

a bit too quickly, probably. i think i'd do better service to most of the movies if i spaced my viewings out a bit more. december's going to be busy for me anyway, so i'll likely be taking my feet off the pedal for a spell.

i watched 400 blows a few weeks ago & really loved it. i think i forgot to rate it here, but i agree it feels very much of a piece with breathless & i definitely give it a 5.

i know chaplin had some regrets over some things he portrayed in the great dictator, particular the camps, & said he wouldn't have done things they way he did once they were made aware of what went on. it was certainly interesting to watch & consider how it must have been received at the time, particularly since it was made before the u.s. was in the war. it did have some great moments, real comedic genius certainly, and i'm probably being too stingy in giing it a 3.5, but it did feel a bit flat in places. i felt would have gained a lot from using the score more often, and it just seemed to take a bit too long to get to the finale.

[Edited 11/27/17 19:29pm]

Phishanga said:

Batman v Superman. Finally watched that one. What suprised me was the complete lack of a story and motivation of the characters. Even worse than the over-the-top CGI battle at the end. 1/10

hah, that's actually a bit funny - i finally watched suicide squad this past weekend, just out of a morbid 'how bad can it really be' curiousity.

as bad as i think bvs & justice league are, suicide squad is much, much worse. it's incoherent, aimless, dull nonsense, with perhaps a moment or two that have a glimmer of energy if i'm being charitable. i'd definitely rank it as one of the worst films i've ever seen. i'm almost tempted to give it point just because it had a character who only threw boomerangs & seemed to do nothing else, & that tickled me a little, but really nothing can redeem this worthless trash. 0/5

RodeoSchro said:

Last night my son and I watched The Last Two-Thirds Of A Movie, and what a movie! I won't tell you what it was, but I'll give you a hint:

"I feel the need...the need for speed!"

Here's another hint:

"I'm too close for missiles. I'm switching to guns."

Still another hint:

"Maverick's going supersonic, I'll be there in thirty seconds."

And SURELY this one will give it away:

"Those Migs must be close, because I've got a hard-on!"

If you have not guessed that we Watched The Last Two-Thirds of "Top Gun", then you are not a true 'Murican and must relinquish your MAGA hat immediately. (Or, preferably, burn it along with any other apparel promoting our current president.)

But seriously - what a GREAT movie "Top Gun" is! And I really mean that. After the movie ended, with those two Tomcats flying into the setting orange sun, well...I was ready to enlist right then and there.

Hey, did I tell you about the time I really DID try to enlist in the Navy?

Backstory: We took our son to his first airshow in 1995, when he was 20 months old, and he fell in love with the US Navy's Blue Angels. As did I! We went all over the USA watching the Blue Angels fly. We even built a custom bed for our son, which was basically a three-sided box with all interior and exterior walls painted with scenes featuring the Blue Angels. It was such a cool bed that when my son out-grew it, I sent pics to the Blue Angels and offered it to anyone on the team that wanted it. Their publicity officer took it! I should follow-up with them and see if they passed that bed around.

So after a couple years dedicated to airshows, and to about 200 viewings of the greatest documentary ever made ("Around the World at the Speed of Sound", a Blue Angels documentary hosted by Dennis Quaid. IT IS AWESOME), I got extra-inspired and decided I wanted to be a part of the same Navy as the Blue Angels.

First I went to the Naval recruiting office in the mall, not realizing there was a difference between the Navy and the Naval Reserves. But there IS a difference, as I learned when the Naval recruiting officer told me, "This is the REAL Navy, sir. You want the Naval Reserve office, which is on Highway 3". With my tail tucked in, I went to that office.

Long story short, it turned out I was too old to be accepted. Their age limit was 35; they'd usually take anyone 36; someone 37 needed a reccomendation from their Congressman. I was two months shy of 38, and there was just no way. Bummer! So while I've never served, I have at least put my name on the dotted line at a recruiting office.

Of course, I'd not told Mrs. RodeoSchro of my plan to enlist. As I was driving back to the office, she called on my cell phone. The conversation went like this:

MRS. RODEOSCHRO: Where are you?

ME: Coming back to the office.

PAUSE

MRS. RODEOSCHRO: You didn't just join the Navy, did you?

I DROVE OFF THE ROAD AND CRASHED INTO A CHURCH.

Not really, but how the %&*^% did she know?!? Funny thing - if I had been accepted, and served my 20 years, this is the year in which I would have retired from the Reserves.

Anyway, back to "Top Gun". It is a perfect and perfectly cheesy movie. Therefore it gets five Leather Jackets With Unit Patches out of a possible five Leather Jackets With Unit Patches. Kick the tires and light the fires!

I only recently saw Top Gun. It is hilariously bad. Over the top bad. Hasn't aged very well. Along with equally cheesy-bad, Armageddon, it's among my top ten worst movies.

[Edited 11/27/17 19:46pm]

damosuzuki said:

Phishanga said:

Batman v Superman. Finally watched that one. What suprised me was the complete lack of a story and motivation of the characters. Even worse than the over-the-top CGI battle at the end. 1/10

hah, that's actually a bit funny - i finally watched suicide squad this past weekend, just out of a morbid 'how bad can it really be' curiousity.

as bad as i think bvs & justice league are, suicide squad is much, much worse. it's incoherent, aimless, dull nonsense, with perhaps a moment or two that have a glimmer of energy if i'm being charitable. i'd definitely rank it as one of the worst films i've ever seen. i'm almost tempted to give it point just because it had a character who only threw boomerangs & seemed to do nothing else, & that tickled me a little, but really nothing can redeem this worthless trash. 0/5

I actually saw that one on a REALLY crappy airplane TV screen. As far as I can recall, it really didn't deserve anthing more than that. I'm no expert, but I suppose WB is shitting its pants at the moment. They can't seem to get it right, except WW, which I haven't seen (I guess Gal Gadot will be filthy rich in some years because of the leverage she has now - good for her!).

damosuzuki said:

Ugot2shakesumthin said:

RodeoSchro said:

Last night my son and I watched The Last Two-Thirds Of A Movie, and what a movie! I won't tell you what it was, but I'll give you a hint:

"I feel the need...the need for speed!"

Here's another hint:

"I'm too close for missiles. I'm switching to guns."

Still another hint:

"Maverick's going supersonic, I'll be there in thirty seconds."

And SURELY this one will give it away:

"Those Migs must be close, because I've got a hard-on!"

If you have not guessed that we Watched The Last Two-Thirds of "Top Gun", then you are not a true 'Murican and must relinquish your MAGA hat immediately. (Or, preferably, burn it along with any other apparel promoting our current president.)

But seriously - what a GREAT movie "Top Gun" is! And I really mean that. After the movie ended, with those two Tomcats flying into the setting orange sun, well...I was ready to enlist right then and there.

Hey, did I tell you about the time I really DID try to enlist in the Navy?

Backstory: We took our son to his first airshow in 1995, when he was 20 months old, and he fell in love with the US Navy's Blue Angels. As did I! We went all over the USA watching the Blue Angels fly. We even built a custom bed for our son, which was basically a three-sided box with all interior and exterior walls painted with scenes featuring the Blue Angels. It was such a cool bed that when my son out-grew it, I sent pics to the Blue Angels and offered it to anyone on the team that wanted it. Their publicity officer took it! I should follow-up with them and see if they passed that bed around.

So after a couple years dedicated to airshows, and to about 200 viewings of the greatest documentary ever made ("Around the World at the Speed of Sound", a Blue Angels documentary hosted by Dennis Quaid. IT IS AWESOME), I got extra-inspired and decided I wanted to be a part of the same Navy as the Blue Angels.

First I went to the Naval recruiting office in the mall, not realizing there was a difference between the Navy and the Naval Reserves. But there IS a difference, as I learned when the Naval recruiting officer told me, "This is the REAL Navy, sir. You want the Naval Reserve office, which is on Highway 3". With my tail tucked in, I went to that office.

Long story short, it turned out I was too old to be accepted. Their age limit was 35; they'd usually take anyone 36; someone 37 needed a reccomendation from their Congressman. I was two months shy of 38, and there was just no way. Bummer! So while I've never served, I have at least put my name on the dotted line at a recruiting office.

Of course, I'd not told Mrs. RodeoSchro of my plan to enlist. As I was driving back to the office, she called on my cell phone. The conversation went like this:

MRS. RODEOSCHRO: Where are you?

ME: Coming back to the office.

PAUSE

MRS. RODEOSCHRO: You didn't just join the Navy, did you?

I DROVE OFF THE ROAD AND CRASHED INTO A CHURCH.

Not really, but how the %&*^% did she know?!? Funny thing - if I had been accepted, and served my 20 years, this is the year in which I would have retired from the Reserves.

Anyway, back to "Top Gun". It is a perfect and perfectly cheesy movie. Therefore it gets five Leather Jackets With Unit Patches out of a possible five Leather Jackets With Unit Patches. Kick the tires and light the fires!

I only recently saw Top Gun. It is hilariously bad. Over the top bad. Hasn't aged very well. Along with equally cheesy-bad, Armageddon, it's among my top ten worst movies.

[Edited 11/27/17 19:46pm]

No MAGA hat for you.

BTW, "MAGA" now stands for "Mueller Ain't Going Away".

Chelsea Girls (1966) - Lacking a formal narrative, Warhol's art house classic follows various residents of the Chelsea Hotel in 1966 New York City, presented in a split screen with a single audio track in conjunction with one side of screen.

The premise is very interesting, but it goes on way too long at over three hours. And DVD copies floating around are missing audio in some segments so that was frustrating too. Having said that, I could have watched an entire movie of just the opening segment featuring Nico trimming her bangs. 2.5/5

three billboards outside ebbing, missouri - 3.5/5 it's hard for me to pinpoint exactly why, but i found myself struggling to get on this movie's wavelenght for the first third or so. it's a touch scattershot & shambolic, but that would normally be a selling point for me, & i don't think that was the issue. more so that many of the early scenes felt stagey & artificial, & i never found myself settling into the story. i did find its rhythm as it moved along, and really enjoyed it once i did so. i'd like to watch it again to see if i have the same reaction to it, but as it currently stands i'd slot this a little below martin mcdonagh's other movies, especially in bruges.

[Edited 11/28/17 20:10pm]

sexton said:

Chelsea Girls (1966) - Lacking a formal narrative, Warhol's art house classic follows various residents of the Chelsea Hotel in 1966 New York City, presented in a split screen with a single audio track in conjunction with one side of screen.

The premise is very interesting, but it goes on way too long at over three hours. And DVD copies floating around are missing audio in some segments so that was frustrating too. Having said that, I could have watched an entire movie of just the opening segment featuring Nico trimming her bangs. 2.5/5

I love Andy (especially The Philosophy of...), but I don't think I've ever tried to watch one of his films (I've seen clips, of course).

damosuzuki said:

three billboards outside ebbing, missouri - 3.5/5 it's hard for me to pinpoint exactly why, but i found myself struggling to get on this movie's wavelenght for the first third or so. it's a touch scattershot & shambolic, but that would normally be a selling point for me, & i don't think that was the issue. more so that many of the early scenes felt stagey & artificial, & i never found myself settling into the story. i did find its rhythm as it moved along, and really enjoyed it once i did so. i'd like to watch it again to see if i have the same reaction to it, but as it currently stands i'd slot this a little below martin mcdonagh's other movies, especially in bruges.

3B won the audience award at TIFF. And an employee at the merch store told me it'd received a standing-O at some other fest.

Of course, this means nothing.

Been plenty of popular hits that didn't do it for me, and I have no intention of seeing this one.

Hope you're well, damo!

Ace said:

sexton said:

Chelsea Girls (1966) - Lacking a formal narrative, Warhol's art house classic follows various residents of the Chelsea Hotel in 1966 New York City, presented in a split screen with a single audio track in conjunction with one side of screen.

The premise is very interesting, but it goes on way too long at over three hours. And DVD copies floating around are missing audio in some segments so that was frustrating too. Having said that, I could have watched an entire movie of just the opening segment featuring Nico trimming her bangs. 2.5/5

I love Andy (especially The Philosophy of...), but I don't think I've ever tried to watch one of his films (I've seen clips, of course).

hey ace, everything is fine with me. hope you're doing alright.

i've never seen chelsea girls, but i did watch a few early paul morrissey/warhol films quite a few years ago - heat, trash & bad. i'm not certain of all the details, but i believe they were pretty much morrissey creations, with little or no input from warhol himself. trash & heat were pretty rough, borderline unwatchable as i recall, but bad is wonderfully sleazy, & the only one i would recommend - and that recommendation would only apply to trash connoisseurs.

the lost city of z - 3.75/5 based (loosely, i'm sure) on the life of british explorer percy fawcett & his repeated journeys through the amazon in the early 1900s. a thoroughly enjoyable throwback to classic adventure cinema. also a bit of a mirror image of werner herzog's fitzcarraldo & aguirre in that fawcett approaches the amazon with humility instead of hubris. not perfect by any means - it sports some cliches, shortcuts & caricatures - but i really, really liked it.

[Edited 11/29/17 20:06pm]

damosuzuki said:

Ace said:

I love Andy (especially The Philosophy of...), but I don't think I've ever tried to watch one of his films (I've seen clips, of course).

hey ace, everything is fine with me. hope you're doing alright.

i've never seen chelsea girls, but i did watch a few early paul morrissey/warhol films quite a few years ago - heat, trash & bad. i'm not certain of all the details, but i believe they were pretty much morrissey creations, with little or no input from warhol himself. trash & heat were pretty rough, borderline unwatchable as i recall, but bad is wonderfully sleazy, & the only one i would recommend - and that recommendation would only apply to trash connoisseurs.

I am well, thanks!

Yeah, I think I read that about the Morrissey films.

Ace said:

sexton said:

Chelsea Girls (1966) - Lacking a formal narrative, Warhol's art house classic follows various residents of the Chelsea Hotel in 1966 New York City, presented in a split screen with a single audio track in conjunction with one side of screen.

The premise is very interesting, but it goes on way too long at over three hours. And DVD copies floating around are missing audio in some segments so that was frustrating too. Having said that, I could have watched an entire movie of just the opening segment featuring Nico trimming her bangs. 2.5/5

I love Andy (especially The Philosophy of...), but I don't think I've ever tried to watch one of his films (I've seen clips, of course).

The poster is better than the movie.

Justice League (2017)

It felt empty. And some of the jokes were embarrassingly bad. Zack Snyder's and Joss Whedon's directing styles don't mesh well. I'm being very generous giving it a 2.5/5

[Edited 12/1/17 8:47am]

I really liked that... really, really funny at times. Villain wasn't strong but Peter Parker / Spiderman and Tony Stark made up for that. 7/10

Phishanga said:

I really liked that... really, really funny at times. Villain wasn't strong but Peter Parker / Spiderman and Tony Stark made up for that. 7/10

Me too!
I liked it better than Wonder Woman. I liked both, but the last act of Wonder Woman was truly cringe-worthy. The last act of Spiderman was actually surprisingly good for a Marvel movie which have had some pretty bad last acts as a whole.

Murder on the Orient Express (2017) - When a murder occurs on the train he's travelling on, celebrated detective Hercule Poirot is recruited to solve the case.

Reviews have been mixed, but I found it to be a fun throwback mystery. Art direction was meticulous. Cinematography was very impressive as well. 3/5

I saw the new Thor movie finally last night with my girlfriend, and I absolutely loved it.

I haven't seen the first two (I have a lot of catching up to do before Infinity Wars), but Ragnarok looked to be a far less heavy, more fun film than a lot of other MCU efforts, and the cast in this one was fantastic (I was particularly excited for Jeff Goldblum; he's in the same category as Christopher Walken and Steve Buscemi where he has a particular set of bizarre quirks that make him entertaining no matter what he's in).

The film was great: it was a delicate balance of fun and serious, with great special effects, a ton of laughs and just the right amount of more dramatic elements. Hemsworth and Hiddleston still don't look bored in their roles yet, they still seem to be finding new nuances and dynamics that weren't in previous films. Ruffalo's still the best Banner to date, and Blanchett and Goldblum were awesome villians; it's always great watching big name dramatic actors play the villians in these films and chew the scenery (Nicholson as the Joker, Defoe as the Green Goblin), and Blanchett just looks like she had a blast.

Overall, I give the film a 9/10, making it one of MCU's best films to date.

Watched Snatched w/ Goldie Hawn n Amy Schumer. It was cute. Some funny moments. 3 n a half out of 5 stars . She smells like soup .

damosuzuki said:

RodeoSchro said:

What a great movie! I loved it when I watched it; I loved it even more when I explained every detail to my colleagues here at the office; and I love it even more than that now after typing this review. And I'm not the only one that loves it. "Get Out" got a 99% on Rotten Tomatoes. The ONLY negative review came from The Official Magazine Of Uptight White Conservatives, i.e. The National Review. Their reviewer called it "Get Whitey" and said it was an Obama movie for Quentin Taratino fans. What a wet blanket!

i loved get out. the only thing that kept it from being perfect was that, when we are given the reveal & find out what is really happening, it was more or less what i expected it to be. & that's not a fatal flaw at all, of course, but it did mean the thing that was supposed to be surprising wasn't a surprise.

for the record, armond white is the 'national review' critic, and he is internet famous for being the worst critic alive, a contrarian that hates films every else loves & likes films everyone else hates. he loves adam sandler & zack snyder, hates moonlight & manchester by the sea. and, not that it's really relevant, while the nr might be the magazine of uptight whites, armond is black.

T S MFing A. One of the best lines of the movie! One of the best lines, period!

We just got back from "Three Billboards Outside of East Bumblef***, Missouri". During the movie, a storm passed through and the power went out.

Unfortunately, it came back on.

Where to begin? How about with the preview? As my faithful readers know, I don't usually go in for weirdo movies. And most of these kinds of movies are weirdo movies. You can usually tell by the weirdo title. Even "Fargo" is a weirdo movie to some extent. But the previews of this movie convinced me that it would not be a weirdo movie; nay, it would in fact be a delightful romp wherein America's Greatest Actress Not Named Meryl Streep (Frances McDormand, of course) sticks it to some small-town hick cops, while solving her daughter's murder and garnering some laughs among the body count. Sounded like my kind of movie! But see the following sidenote:

SIDENOTE: On a flight I once sat next to the guy whose job it is to make movie previews. I should have taken him hostage somehow and not released him until Hollywood stopped making misleading previews.

Speaking of previews, I activated the RodeoSchro Movie Previews Predictor Service, which is usually failsafe. And you know what? It was again? Because half the previews (Liam Neeson kills people on a commuter train; Matt Damon gets shrunk) looked great; whereas the other half looked bland (all I remember is a rip-off of "Creature From The Black Lagoon").

"Three Billboards" is a Half-and-Half kind of movie. Half of it is good; half of it makes no sense whatsoever. Even my son - a filmophile who would fit right in with the sextons and damosuzukis - rated this flim as 50 out of 100.

The movie begins with Frances McDormand realizing that there are three empty billboards about 200 feet from the home she's lived in for a few decades. I guess she always came in the back way. Anyway, these billboards hadn't been used this century and are in complete disrepair.

So she goes to the billboard company, which is run by Caleb Landry Jones. Remember in the review of "Get Out" that I posted CLJ had been in last year's worst movie and this year's best movie? Well, he just completed the Holy Trinity of Movie Appearances because now he's been in the movie that rates exactly 50% on any scale you want. SPOILER ALERT: I'm not going to rate this movie at 50%.

CLJ agrees to rent Frances McDormand three billboards that haven't been used in 30 years for the low sum of $5,000 per month. Not counting Frances McDormand seeing her own billboards in front of her own house, I calculated that she was paying about $1,250 per month per set of eyeballs. Sounds about right!

The billboards cause problems for the cops, led by police chief Woody Harrelson. He has a deputy named Dixon who's really the star of this movie. Dixon is a really bad human and therefore, a bad cop. Also, he's dumber than a box of hammers and is also a drunkard. His answer to all problems is violence.

Let's see, what is the first trainwreck? I guess it's the backstory of the murder of Frances McDormand's daughter. Naturally mom and daughter have a huge fight on the day daughter is murdered. McDormand won't let her use the car, so the daughter has to walk to whatever druggie party she's going to. "Maybe I'll get raped on the way there!" she shouts. "I hope you do!" says mom, which not only are the last words she ever says to her daughter, but it's also what actually happens to her daughter. McDormand shouldn't feel too bad though, as the daughter is also killed and then burned, and McDormand didn't wish any of THAT on her. But mom guilt is strong.

Woody Harrelson comes by to see McDormand and ask her to take down the billboards. He's done all the policing he can, but no one's DNA matches what they found, and there just are no leads - even though it appears the daughter was raped under one of the billboards, which means she was raped, killed and murdered within 200 feet (and a direct sight line) from her front porch. Makes no sense.

What also doesn't make any sense is that Harrelson has cancer and is dying. He coughs up blood a couple times in order to show that both he and McDormand are humans.

Dixon the cop gets mad when Harrelson's pleas to McDormand don't work, so he figures the best thing to do is go across the street to the billboard company and throw Caleb Landry Jones out of his second-story window. This act neither kills CLJ; stops the billboards; nor gets Dixon arrested. It does get Dixon fired from the police force, but other than that there are no repurcussions.

Everyone loves Woody Harrelson so naturally they are all very mad at McDormand when Harrelson blows his head off with his service revolver. Harrelson leaves letters for everyone explaining why he did it, but really - that's just so stupid. That day he had taken his wife Abbie Cornish and his two cute daughters to the lake, where his daughters fished while he and Abbie Cornish boinked. Then they went home and he tucked his kids into bed. Then he told Abbie Cornish, who for some reason employs a really bad Irish accent, that he really loved boinking her that afternoon and since she's still drunk, he'll go out and shovel the horse poop in the barn.

Which he does. Then he puts a bag over his head with a note on it that says, "Don't look inside the bag, just call the boys at the station". Then, kaboom. His letter to his wife says, "I don't want you to remember me as a guy who died of cancer" so instead she gets to remember him as a headless corpse lying in her barn. Just. So. Stupid.

Everyone in town blames McDormand and her billboards for Harrelson killing himself, even though Harrelsonleft a note for McDormand specifically saying it was not her billboards that made him kill himself; it was the cancer.

At one point, while McDormand is working at the gift shop, some dude comes in and breaks a porcelein rabbit. He's a bad dude and says, "Maybe I was a friend of Woody Harrelson! Or maybe I'm the guy that raped your daughter!" WTF? Even though this guy shows up later in the movie, there is absolutely no reason why he shows up now. He was apparently going to kill McDormand for no reason that anyone can ever figure out, but someone comes in the gift shop so the guy leaves. We're going to refer to him as Psycho Guy, since you need to remember who he is.

Someone burns down McDormand's billboards and she naturally assumes it was Dixon.

So, she makes up and has delivered to the police station a note that is supposed to be for Dixon from Harrelson. At this point, in the greatest set of coincidences ever, another cop suggests Dixon come by the police station after everyone's left, use the set of keys he still has, and read the letter. You see - this is McDormand's plan:

1. Make up a letter to Dixon
2. Actually write a four-page letter to Dixon, in the voice of Harrelson
3. Put stuff in the letter that there's no way McDormand could know
4. Have the letter delivered to the place where Dixon no longer works
5. Assume that whoever calls Dixon and tells him there's a letter for him will also tell him not to come by the police station during working hours
6. Also, with no way of knowing Dixon still has keys to the police station, assume that whoever calls Dixon will also tell him to use the keys that McDormand would have no way of knowing he has
7. Then, when Dixon shows up at night, call the police station to tell Dixon...what? "Get out, because I'm going to burn down the station with Molotov Cocktails"? Won't that implicate her?
8. But since Dixon can't hear/see the phone blinking because he is naturally reading the letter while listening to music through headphones, just say "F it! You get what you deserve!" and...
9. Throw four Molotov cocktails and burn the police station down.

Dotard Dixon finally realizes the station is burning down and, grabbing the only thing he can think of, jumps through a burning window. The only thing he can think of to grab? The case file on McDormand's daugher. While it survives the jump through the window relatively unburned, the same can't be said for Dixon. He's burned badly and is taken to the hospital, where...

...his roomate is CLJ! But see, the fake letter that McDormand had written to Dixon under the guise of Harrelson was full of stuff like, "You need to be a nice guy, Dixon. Learn how to love". Since Dixon thinks those words really are from Harrelson, he immediately changes his entire life and apologizes to CLJ. At first CLJ is not willing to accept it but then he does. This, apparently, allows Dixon to recuperate enough from the third-degree burns that cover most of his body in only one day.

While having dinner with Peter Dinklage, who had provided an alibi for McDormand so that the police would not arrest the only possible suspect in the fire-bombing of a podunk town's police station and the near-immolation of her avowed enemy, McDormand runs into her ex-husband. It turns out that HE had torched the billboards, on account of McDormand had sold some redneck piece of his equipment in order to pay the first month's outrageous rent on said billboard.

At the same time, Dixon is at some bar, getting wasted, and guess who sits in the booth behind him? Psycho Guy! He's telling a friend about a girl he and his friends raped, and then set on fire. Bingo! Dixon picks a fight with the guy but since Dixon's face is still half burnt-off, he loses badly. But ha! That was his plan! Now he has a whole bunch of Psycho Guy's DNA.

Which he takes to the cops, who run a trace on it. You're wondering the same thing I am. Is Psycho Guy the father or not?!? Well.......





Yeah, I didn't see that coming either. But Psycho Guy did not kill McDormand's daughter. However, he raped, killed and burned SOMEONE. Probably in Iraq, where he was stationed at the exact same time McDormand's daughter was murdered. So Dixon and McDermond decided to travel to Idaho where Psycho Guy lives, and kill him on general principle.

The end.

No, seriously - that's the end.

I was honestly hoping I could watch this movie, love it, write a great review of it, and finally be accepted into the Cool Kids portion of "Rate The Last Movie You Watched". Alas, it was not meant to be. I'll just have to wait until Liam Neeson's new movie comes out and he kills a whole bunch of commuters. But that's not so bad!

"Three Billboards Outside of Good Moviemaking" gets 15 somethings out of 100 somethings. I can't really think of what those "somethings" should be but I'm going to be watching a whole bunch of "Family Guy" episodes tonight so as to get my humor back on, so I don't really care.



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[Edited 12/3/17 20:18pm]