Is telling someone to "back off" considered hostile and combatative?

My mother in law was texting me the other night. She asked if she could see the baby and I said that it wasn't a good night. She asked what was wrong and I replied that nothing was wrong and that we (my husband and child) were just busy. She texts me back with a paragraph asking me to please not fight with my husband in front of the child because even if we're not yelling, he can tell that we're fighting and he will not understand what's going on and be scared.

I replied, "Back off. We're not fighting. We're busy."

When my husband learned of this he flipped out and yelled at me saying that I basically told his mother to "fuck off," that I was hostile and offensive. He called her hours later and she was crying which caused my husband to, in turn, hurl insults at me with my 22 month old in the next room.

We are still embroiled in a heated discussion over this. I don't see what the big deal is over my text, however I am extremely mad at him for cussing me out in the presence of my child.

What say ye?

honeyandmilk said:

Is telling someone to "back off" considered hostile and combatative?

My mother in law was texting me the other night. She asked if she could see the baby and I said that it wasn't a good night. She asked what was wrong and I replied that nothing was wrong and that we (my husband and child) were just busy. She texts me back with a paragraph asking me to please not fight with my husband in front of the child because even if we're not yelling, he can tell that we're fighting and he will not understand what's going on and be scared.

I replied, "Back off. We're not fighting. We're busy."

When my husband learned of this he flipped out and yelled at me saying that I basically told his mother to "fuck off," that I was hostile and offensive. He called her hours later and she was crying which caused my husband to, in turn, hurl insults at me with my 22 month old in the next room.

We are still embroiled in a heated discussion over this. I don't see what the big deal is over my text, however I am extremely mad at him for cussing me out in the presence of my child.

What say ye?

I'm kind of old fashioned when it comes to these things, and I do think that you did came accross as rude and kind of aggressive. I think once she texted you telling you not to fight in front of your child, you should have probably called her to clarify her assumption/misunderstanding. Obviously she was concerned and it doesn't sound to me like she was trying to be a bitch. I don't think your husband should have yelled at you in front of your child, that is just wrong.

IMO, it all depends on how "back off" is expressed. You wouldn't be able to tell that from a text and a text could easily be miscontrued for being hostile. That's the problem with communicating via writing vs. being face to face or chatting on the phone vs. texting. However, no matter how you slice it and dice it, IMO, it doesn't equate to "FO".

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All the drama with Mom (crying & carrying on) is seriously uncalled for though. Really. Hubby shouldn't be chewing you out for that either. You should be able to sit down with one another and discuss things without all the drama & fighting. Yes, all the cussing & fighting in front of a little one is a no no. For Mom to automatically jump to the conclusion that you two were fighting and get involved like that was, IMO, just being a busy body.

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If people would just communicate with their voices more rather than texting, it would save people from a lot of weirdness and miscommunication.

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Maybe next time Mom does something like that, either call her and chat for a bit (to clarify) or just write something like, "Everything is fine, we're just tired & really busy. Take care." That way, the miscommunication won't happen.

Maybe it's just me, but it sound like your mother-in-law may have basis for her concern about your fighting in front of your child.

Cussing and hurling insults doesn't sound like a happy time -- nor the first time. no offense.

She was just asking out of concern, totally. I'm not calling that into question at all. She knows that he has a temper and he's been unemployed for months, so she assumed that because I said it wasn't a good night, that we were fighting.

I didn't call her because I was busy. That was the whole point. She asked to come over and I said that I was sorry, but it wasn't a good night. Immediately she asked what was wrong and I said nothing. Just busy. In the mean time I'm shuttling my grandmother around to the pharmacy and the grocery store and cleaning up the house because company was coming over, keeping my son busy inside the house because he wanted to be outside with his father while he was mowing the yard...I just didn't have time to drop everything and clarify.

So after awhile I check my phone again and she's pressing on with this paragraph about me allowing my child to be hurt by myself and my father. Basically I felt like she was saying that she didn't believe that I was busy and she was calling my parenting skills into question. Hence my reply. I wasn't mad, but irritated yeah.

So not only was I busy with a two year old, dinner on the stove, cleaning up, etc., but now I gotta pick up the phone and give her a list of things that I'm busy with so that she believes me? Yeesh.

Tempest said:

IMO, it all depends on how "back off" is expressed. You wouldn't be able to tell that from a text and a text could easily be miscontrued for being hostile. That's the problem with communicating via writing vs. being face to face or chatting on the phone vs. texting.

Agree. My husband goes, "how would you like it if someone walked up to you and said BACK OFF." And he was all bugged eyed and up in my face, shouting it. Which was not my posturing when I sent the text. My thoughts were more like, ugh, not again.

Uhope said:

Maybe it's just me, but it sound like your mother-in-law may have basis for her concern about your fighting in front of your child.

Cussing and hurling insults doesn't sound like a happy time -- nor the first time. no offense.

This is sort of the impression I get, too.

honeyandmilk said:

Tempest said:

IMO, it all depends on how "back off" is expressed. You wouldn't be able to tell that from a text and a text could easily be miscontrued for being hostile. That's the problem with communicating via writing vs. being face to face or chatting on the phone vs. texting.

Agree. My husband goes, "how would you like it if someone walked up to you and said BACK OFF." And he was all bugged eyed and up in my face, shouting it. Which was not my posturing when I sent the text. My thoughts were more like, ugh, not again.

Also, bear in mind, that's his mother, so that's like a slap in his face.

Lammastide said:

Uhope said:

Maybe it's just me, but it sound like your mother-in-law may have basis for her concern about your fighting in front of your child.

Cussing and hurling insults doesn't sound like a happy time -- nor the first time. no offense.

This is sort of the impression I get, too.

I'm not denying that she should have concern. I have called her myself and asked her to come take my son for a fun grandma visit while he and I have it out.

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So we weren't fighting. Then I told her to back off, which caused us to do the very thing that she was concerned about.

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Thanks for all your input. I think My husband told me to post this somewhere to get non-biased opinions and after reading your replies, he's now giddy and gloating, saying that everyone agrees with him.

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And you're right. It's not a happy household here sometimes. When arguments crop up around here, I can only take so much of being called an asshole, a fucking cunt and a motherfucker within earshot of my child. He's promised to stop many times before, but he says that it doesn't count when my son is in the next room when he says it. This time I just told him that I was done and would like to separate. When we talk about it in effort to avoid a nasty a custody battle, it all comes full circle, back to why I had to be "hostile" toward his mother. Hence my posting this question. In his eyes, I'm the one tearing my family apart because I was an "asshole" to his mother.

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In the end, I feel my concern for my son trumps any disrespect paid to his mother.

[Edited 10/18/13 19:14pm]

honeyandmilk said:

Lammastide said:

This is sort of the impression I get, too.

I'm not denying that she should have concern. I have called her myself and asked her to come take my son for a fun grandma visit while he and I have it out.

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So we weren't fighting. Then I told her to back off, which caused us to do the very thing that she was concerned about.

*

Thanks for all your input. I think My husband told me to post this somewhere to get non-biased opinions and after reading your replies, he's now giddy and gloating, saying that everyone agrees with him.

*

And you're right. It's not a happy household here sometimes. When arguments crop up around here, I can only take so much of being called an asshole, a fucking cunt and a motherfucker within earshot of my child. He's promised to stop many times before, but he says that it doesn't count when my son is in the next room when he says it. This time I just told him that I was done and would like to separate. When we talk about it in effort to avoid a nasty a custody battle, it all comes full circle, back to why I had to be "hostile" toward his mother. Hence my posting this question. In his eyes, I'm the one tearing my family apart because I was an "asshole" to his mother.

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In the end, I feel my concern for my son trumps any disrespect paid to his mother.

[Edited 10/18/13 19:14pm]

With respect, it seems to me your domestic challenges precede and loom much larger than how you communicated with your mother-in-law in this latest snafu. That's certainly no context in which either of you should be "giddy and gloating," no matter whose side we picked.

Your situation seems broken for all parties involved. And I'm so sorry to learn that. For the sake of your family, perhaps consider finding help -- help more qualified and less public than the org.

I truly wish you the best.

[Edited 10/18/13 19:48pm]

I absolutely agree on all points. Inquiries have already been placed with counseling services. Both of us have agreed to that. He told me that he spilled his guts to his mother today as well.

Know that I didn't intend to spill all the painful details. I saw people siding with him and my emotions and frustrations came spewing out.

Appreciate everyones replies.

Can someone lock/delete the thread for me please?

before they do lock the thread,

it's perfectly alright to want to spare a child

from arguments and conflict.

it's also ok to bring it to someone's attention

when it looks like a child is in the unwillin

middle of conflict.

that bein said, when people marry they start a family

of their own, not to be ran by anyones mother or father.

if married people got to their respective families (moms, pops)

then they are askin for the type of interference that at one

point make the couple resentful.

the counseling is a very good idea,

and a child is never too young for therapy...

honeyandmilk said:

I absolutely agree on all points. Inquiries have already been placed with counseling services. Both of us have agreed to that. He told me that he spilled his guts to his mother today as well.

Know that I didn't intend to spill all the painful details. I saw people siding with him and my emotions and frustrations came spewing out.

Appreciate everyones replies.

Can someone lock/delete the thread for me please?

I wish you the very best in trying to find some guidance. I hope that fresh insights will help salvage the relationship.

Just a thought...hubby is hardly in a position to complain about a simple phrase like "back off" if he's using vulgar and abusive language himself.

Counselors are really good at suggesting better ways of communicating our thoughts and feelings and I'm glad you guys are agreeable to it.

your husband has no right to speak to you like that... end of story

and your mother in law needs to lecture her son if she needs to stick her nose in

sounds to me like your hubby needs to stop being a mummy's boy and man up and learn how to treat the mother of his child

Interesting. You weren't fighting but ended up fighting because your mother-in-law wouldn't take "No." for an answer. Hopefully, with your counseling, you and your husband learn to deal with boundries. Especially concerning your mother-in-law and also putting other people's noses in your relationship.

Best wishes.

I personally prefer "just leave me alone" or "let it be, ok?"

"back off" sounds like "back off...or else..." or "back off...cuz you're pissing me off"

yeah, it sounds kinda hostile/smartass

honeyandmilk said:

#1 - TEXTING is a horrible venue to conduct any communication when the situation could be tense. When people speak, there is tone and nuances that cannot be conveyed via text. Right HERE on the Org, there have been altercations because people write something to mean one thing, but the way it is perceived is another. That's the danger with written word as opposed to speech.

#2 - I don't know your relationship with your in-laws...but for most people that term would be inflamatory. I actually haven't heard anyone tell to "Back Off" since I was in High School (in the late 80's) but if anyone told me to Back Off I wouldn't take it with a smile. A friendly argument with my buddies? I would smile after I tell him to fuck off. A text from my son's wife? Probably not so much.

#3 - If you and your husband are having fights...I definitely commend you for sending the child out with the in-laws to spare him from it. However, you two need to maintain a lever of RESPECT. Name-calling and cursing have no place in a loving relationship (...well, unless it's done RIGHT ) so my the one thing I'd like to beg of you is to see how to resolve your conflicts without the loss of Respect.

Good luck!

How u spoke to his mum was rude & disrespectful.

The names he calls u are vile,disgusting & abuse.

No way in hell would i live/be with a "man" who treated me like that.

Get that therapy.