I've been thinking (for years!) about emotional needs and how we constantly fail to meet the emotional needs of our partners and vice versa because we mistakenly believe what we want for ourselves is what our partner would also want.

Apparently cheating and affairs can almost always be traced back to emotional needs not being met. (Here I would cite a bunch of references which I've now forgotten the urls of )

Today I read a FB post by a guy who was just lettin the ladies know that he isn't gonna buy the lady flowers and gifts and shit, because the way he lets his woman know he loves her is by providing for her, roof over her head, paying the bills etc. I challenge that (traditional) viewpoint.

Wouldn't it make more sense to give her what she actually needs? Attention, affection, devotion and lotsa lovin'? (if that was what she wanted)

I read on FB "Happy hubbs lots a love, happy wife happy life" and to be honest I'd only ever heard the second half of that saying before

What do YOU want?

Singles you can post your wishlist here, non-singles probably still have a wishlist, so have at it.

This is about marriages but applies to ANY committed relationship

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

i'm actually pretty easy to please as far as what i want

it's what i don't want that can cause issues

I'm obviously the wrong one to answer that question.


Let me get back to you, when I find out what the merits of a relationship are.

Doesn't it all come down to personality traits?

I think if you need a certain thing from your partner, ask for it in a non confrontational manner in a I like it when you do such and such manner (Positive reinforcement.).

As for me, all I want is to be loved, respected, and cared about. That doesn't mean that my needs or wants always come first, nor should hers. It will never be 50/50 with regards to wants and needs, but if you can get a 60/40 thing that would be awesome.

As for happy wife, happy life thing may be true for some. But, I believe that it is extremely sexiest point of view and is a contributing factor to divorce.

I once read to tell a man what you want from him, reward him when he does it and ignore when he doesn't. That seems to be pretty good advice and probably not just for men.

I think it's sometimes hard to think about what I want objectively. I like to be shown affection, physically and verbally. I my man to do things for me, care for me (like bringing me soup when I'm sick, making me breakfast just 'cause). I like spending time together, having a companion who can share activities with me. Goofing around and making each other laugh is super important.

CarrieMpls said:

I once read to tell a man what you want from him, reward him when he does it and ignore when he doesn't. That seems to be pretty good advice and probably not just for men.

I think it's sometimes hard to think about what I want objectively. I like to be shown affection, physically and verbally. I my man to do things for me, care for me (like bringing me soup when I'm sick, making me breakfast just 'cause). I like spending time together, having a companion who can share activities with me. Goofing around and making each other laugh is super important.

Yep, that's about the best advice. I share your likes, too, but there are times when I want to be left alone. I like a man with a good barometer, one who can read my moods and react accordingly. I don't want a clinging vine nor someone who completely ignors me, but one who can respect my need for some space and "down time."

Shyra said:

CarrieMpls said:

I once read to tell a man what you want from him, reward him when he does it and ignore when he doesn't. That seems to be pretty good advice and probably not just for men.

I think it's sometimes hard to think about what I want objectively. I like to be shown affection, physically and verbally. I my man to do things for me, care for me (like bringing me soup when I'm sick, making me breakfast just 'cause). I like spending time together, having a companion who can share activities with me. Goofing around and making each other laugh is super important.

Yep, that's about the best advice. I share your likes, too, but there are times when I want to be left alone. I like a man with a good barometer, one who can read my moods and react accordingly. I don't want a clinging vine nor someone who completely ignors me, but one who can respect my need for some space and "down time."

Reward the man how, though? If it's through sex, then that's manipulation.

ZombieKitten said:

I've been thinking (for years!) about emotional needs and how we constantly fail to meet the emotional needs of our partners and vice versa because we mistakenly believe what we want for ourselves is what our partner would also want.

Apparently cheating and affairs can almost always be traced back to emotional needs not being met. (Here I would cite a bunch of references which I've now forgotten the urls of )

Today I read a FB post by a guy who was just lettin the ladies know that he isn't gonna buy the lady flowers and gifts and shit, because the way he lets his woman know he loves her is by providing for her, roof over her head, paying the bills etc. I challenge that (traditional) viewpoint.

Wouldn't it make more sense to give her what she actually needs? Attention, affection, devotion and lotsa lovin'? (if that was what she wanted)

I read on FB "Happy hubbs lots a love, happy wife happy life" and to be honest I'd only ever heard the second half of that saying before

What do YOU want?

Singles you can post your wishlist here, non-singles probably still have a wishlist, so have at it.

When I did Landmark Forum the trainer challenged a woman who was complaining about her husband having an affair. The trainer asked her how she was being in the relationship that her husband wanted to go off and have an affair with someone else. Interesting way of looking at it and made me think.

[Edited 10/5/13 12:38pm]

ConsciousContact said:

ZombieKitten said:

I've been thinking (for years!) about emotional needs and how we constantly fail to meet the emotional needs of our partners and vice versa because we mistakenly believe what we want for ourselves is what our partner would also want.

Apparently cheating and affairs can almost always be traced back to emotional needs not being met. (Here I would cite a bunch of references which I've now forgotten the urls of )

Today I read a FB post by a guy who was just lettin the ladies know that he isn't gonna buy the lady flowers and gifts and shit, because the way he lets his woman know he loves her is by providing for her, roof over her head, paying the bills etc. I challenge that (traditional) viewpoint.

Wouldn't it make more sense to give her what she actually needs? Attention, affection, devotion and lotsa lovin'? (if that was what she wanted)

I read on FB "Happy hubbs lots a love, happy wife happy life" and to be honest I'd only ever heard the second half of that saying before

What do YOU want?

Singles you can post your wishlist here, non-singles probably still have a wishlist, so have at it.

When I did Landmark Forum the trainer challenged a woman who was complaining about her husband having an affair. The trainer asked her how she was being in the relationship that her husband wanted to go off and have an affair with someone else. Interesting way of looking at it and made me think.

[Edited 10/5/13 12:38pm]

I agree.

....but the majority rules that it's all the man's fault. Go figure

Hmm...Relationships as an unwritten contract to meet each other's needs...

Byron said:

Hmm...Relationships as an unwritten contract to meet each other's needs...

Maybe if they would write down what kind of needs they want their partner to meet, there might be less dissapointment and anger?

what do i want from my partner?

i want her to be a good mother to our kids

i want her to be responsible for her own happiness... i'll do what i can to try and facilitate it... but it's not my responsibility

i want her to "get it" when i tap dance on the kitchen table... because sometimes it's just time to m'f'n tapdance on the m'f'n kitchen table

i want her to have the strength to be honest with me

This is the million-dollar question nowadays, isn't it?

I just read something about the America's longest-married couple...they just celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary!!!


I can only imagine how many arguments and tears and heartache have probably marred those EIGHT DECADES together...then I think that for all the bad times there must've been just as many - if not more - good times. Times of happiness and celebrations, joy and passion.

That's what I want. Someone who will be there for the good AND the bad. Who is looking to share a life, not looking for me to provide it for her. I did the whole "house with a white picket fence" thing already. Now I'm ready to travel and enjoy life. Of course that's easier said than done with 3 kids under my care, so when I eventually decide to truly make an effort to "find someone" it'll be either looking for someone who's also a single parent & can relate to my concerns, or it'll have to wait until AFTER the kids have gone off to college & I can truly consider myself "single".

I'm old enough to know what I want and what I like, and hopefully will find someone just as certain in herself...and if I fit her needs/wants and she mine, it'll be a stronger relationship than one forged when we were in our early 20's and unsure of ourselves.

MoBetterBliss hit it on the head with the statement about happiness. We are all responsible for our own happiness. Finding someone to share our lives only adds to that - we shouldn't be looking for someone to MAKE us happy.

ZombieKitten said:

How do you need your partner to let you know and keep letting you know?

i don't

for example... i know my wife thinks i'm an exceptional dad... she doesn't have to keep letting me know... and to be honest, whether or not she thinks i am is almost irrelevant to me... i'm the dad i am for my children

i don't need my partner to make me feel valuable... i need to do things as a human being that make me think i'm valuable

my feelings of self-worth aren't tied to what my wife thinks of me or how she treats me... if she disrepects me though, i'll let her know

and if my wife is being a drag i don't want to spend time with her... if she has a problem i'm there to help and support her... but if she's just being a drag she's on her own... if she's chilled and doing her thing, i absolutely want to spend time with her

at the end if the day, if she doesn't dig me, that's her problem... i dig me

ZombieKitten said:

Interesting. Would you be able to tell if she didn't love you any more?

yes

Do you consider her needs may be different to yours?

yes

Her "problem" if you treat her in the same way you need to be treated,

i don't

may end up ultimately being your surprise problem.

i'm very in tune with where my partner is at

You might not need any of those things but what if she does?

that wasn't the question... was it?..... i was simply answering as to what i need

Do you know how to show her you love her in the way that is meaningful to her?

of course



but let me say this... i absolutely encourage my wife to be strong and independant... my goal since being with her is for to have a strong sense of SELF worth... if she doesn't have that, it's up to her to work on it... i'll do what i can, and create an environment where that can thrive....but again, it's not my responsibilty


i want to see my wife as a cool chick that i respect... like i would if she was someone i just met... the last thing i want is some needy woman i have to babysit

i'm not an expert. but, i do have a slow sunday morning and time on my hands so here's the benefit of my *wisdom*

*

i'm old enough by now to have figured out who i am and what my needs are, as an individual. i earn my own money and don't really require a guy to pay my bills and put a roof over my head.

*

when i'm lonely, i call a friend or family member and get together to do things. hang out with like minded people or even just go where they might be found.

*

when i'm horny i can somehow get by without being in a formal 'relationship'. i prefer celibacy to being with someone i don't love strictly for sex.

*

in my opinion if people are in a relationship to have their needs fulfilled by someone else, they risk having their needs unmet. moreover, they risk allowing the other person to define them, which in a way is limiting.

*

it's the difference between loving someone sheerly because they are the person they are and you cannot resist them, and loving someone else because of the way they make you feel. the latter is where danger lies, imo.

*

for me, i'd be happy with that someone who can stand on his own feet, take credit for his own actions, is funny and makes time for me occasionally.

*

i'm pretty sure i'm not normal, due to past experience, but for me the perfect guy would be the one who wouldn't need me to meet all of his needs, and who could let me be close to him and also allow space in there for independence at times too.

ZombieKitten said:

I've been thinking (for years!) about emotional needs and how we constantly fail to meet the emotional needs of our partners and vice versa because we mistakenly believe what we want for ourselves is what our partner would also want.

Apparently cheating and affairs can almost always be traced back to emotional needs not being met. (Here I would cite a bunch of references which I've now forgotten the urls of )

Today I read a FB post by a guy who was just lettin the ladies know that he isn't gonna buy the lady flowers and gifts and shit, because the way he lets his woman know he loves her is by providing for her, roof over her head, paying the bills etc. I challenge that (traditional) viewpoint.

Wouldn't it make more sense to give her what she actually needs? Attention, affection, devotion and lotsa lovin'? (if that was what she wanted)

I read on FB "Happy hubbs lots a love, happy wife happy life" and to be honest I'd only ever heard the second half of that saying before

What do YOU want?

Singles you can post your wishlist here, non-singles probably still have a wishlist, so have at it.

[Edited 10/6/13 7:51am]

ZombieKitten said:

Your emotional needs are basically to feel loved, wanted, appreciated, valued, respected and desired (amongst other things). How do you show these things verbally and physically? How do you need your partner to let you know and keep letting you know? ("I married ya didn't I??" Doesn't cut it ) For example one thing I want from a partner is that they seek out my company because they obviously enjoy to be with me. I wish for companionship and friendship probably above all. I've been told get a dog for that, and I now have two. They may satisfy my need to pet and care, and the unconditional love part is incredible but they aren't real great at conversation.

Here ya go

http://prince.org/msg/100/281580

MoBetterBliss said:

ZombieKitten said:

How do you need your partner to let you know and keep letting you know?

i don't

for example... i know my wife thinks i'm an exceptional dad... she doesn't have to keep letting me know... and to be honest, whether or not she thinks i am is almost irrelevant to me... i'm the dad i am for my children

i don't need my partner to make me feel valuable... i need to do things as a human being that make me think i'm valuable

my feelings of self-worth aren't tied to what my wife thinks of me or how she treats me... if she disrepects me though, i'll let her know

and if my wife is being a drag i don't want to spend time with her... if she has a problem i'm there to help and support her... but if she's just being a drag she's on her own... if she's chilled and doing her thing, i absolutely want to spend time with her

at the end if the day, if she doesn't dig me, that's her problem... i dig me

So you have no desire to have your wife express how she feels about you?

ZombieKitten said:

Your emotional needs are basically to feel loved, wanted, appreciated, valued, respected and desired (amongst other things). How do you show these things verbally and physically? How do you need your partner to let you know and keep letting you know? ("I married ya didn't I??" Doesn't cut it ) For example one thing I want from a partner is that they seek out my company because they obviously enjoy to be with me. I wish for companionship and friendship probably above all. I've been told get a dog for that, and I now have two. They may satisfy my need to pet and care, and the unconditional love part is incredible but they aren't real great at conversation.

You can get your emotional needs met through friends and family members. Your emotional needs can be met by others when your spouse is incapable of delivering what you need. You learn to connect with your spouse they way he connects and don't resent it. Figure out what you can get out of your connections that work whether it be sexually or companionship or whatever (soccer.)

Byron said:

MoBetterBliss said:

i don't

for example... i know my wife thinks i'm an exceptional dad... she doesn't have to keep letting me know... and to be honest, whether or not she thinks i am is almost irrelevant to me... i'm the dad i am for my children

i don't need my partner to make me feel valuable... i need to do things as a human being that make me think i'm valuable

my feelings of self-worth aren't tied to what my wife thinks of me or how she treats me... if she disrepects me though, i'll let her know

and if my wife is being a drag i don't want to spend time with her... if she has a problem i'm there to help and support her... but if she's just being a drag she's on her own... if she's chilled and doing her thing, i absolutely want to spend time with her

at the end if the day, if she doesn't dig me, that's her problem... i dig me

So you have no desire to have your wife express how she feels about you?

i don't rely on it for my happiness

ok .. if she doesn't dig me, that's her problem... i dig me... is probably a bit over the top... while there is truth to it, if i really felt she didn't love me, (not simply that she didn't tell/show me enough) i'd address the situation

but again.. I"M responsible for my happiness... nobody else is

and i happen to think shit is pretty simple... if you cut all the emotional stuff away for a minute... i think most people really know if their partner loves them or not

MoBetterBliss said:

Byron said:

So you have no desire to have your wife express how she feels about you?

i don't rely on it for my happiness

ok .. if she doesn't dig me, that's her problem... i dig me... is probably a bit over the top... while there is truth to it, if i really felt she didn't love me, (not simply that she didn't tell/show me enough) i'd address the situation

but again.. I"M responsible for my happiness... nobody else is

and i happen to think shit is pretty simple... if you cut all the emotional stuff away for a minute... i think most people really know if their partner loves them or not

Agreed, except sometimes love is not enough.

sex

emotional support

financial support

companionship

sex

MoBetterBliss said:

Byron said:

So you have no desire to have your wife express how she feels about you?

i don't rely on it for my happiness

But that's not what I asked lol...

I asked if you had no desire to have your wife express to you how she feels about you.

Byron said:

MoBetterBliss said:

i don't rely on it for my happiness

But that's not what I asked lol...

I asked if you had no desire to have your wife express to you how she feels about you.

from time to time ... it's nice enough when it happens but i already know how she feels about me... talk is cheap... it's her actions that show me

JoeTyler said:

JoeTyler said:

sex

emotional support

financial support

companionship

sex

Yes.