Decide what it is that you want to do, and then take steps toward that goal. Be clear and concise, and look out for any wee ones being affected.

Best of luck to you.

20 years, it's about time to have it all out, lay it all out on the table.

It will be a shit storm, obviously, at first.

But in a month it will be better and you can move on to new things, possibly together.

[Edited 2/23/13 15:46pm]

Have hot sex with his father, his brother or his friends, or all of them at different times, and make sure he somehow gets to see a video of it.

Or, if you don´t want to involve folks you´re familiar with, just go and have sex with two studs in their early 20s and tell him how much fun you had and that he needs to step his game up. That should do the trick.

Why do you want to break his heart anyway? Did he break yours? Could you live with the consequences?

AFine1 said:

Okay, not just break it, but rip it out, show it to them, then stomp on it?! I'm in a 20 year marriage I don't want to be in anymore. I hate the thought of hurting him, but I have a right to be happy too, don't I? Anyone else out there been through this?

You hate the thought of hurting him, but want to rip out his heart, show it to him, then stomp on it? How does that make sense?

If you must have out, how about a simple: "I'm filing for divorce. Bye"

Who needs the drama?

[Edited 2/23/13 15:58pm]

B1tchierThanEver said:

Cuddles said:

KoolEaze said:

KoolEaze said:

Lammastide said:

AFine1 said:

Lammastide said:

You hate the thought of hurting him, but want to rip out his heart, show it to him, then stomp on it? How does that make sense?

If you must have out, how about a simple: "I'm filing for divorce. Bye"

Who needs the drama?

[Edited 2/23/13 15:58pm]

Wish it was so simple!

Why can't it be?

Lammastide said:

AFine1 said:

Lammastide said:

You hate the thought of hurting him, but want to rip out his heart, show it to him, then stomp on it? How does that make sense?

If you must have out, how about a simple: "I'm filing for divorce. Bye"

Who needs the drama?

[Edited 2/23/13 15:58pm]

Wish it was so simple!

Did I completely misunderstand your first post? Because I interpreted it as you want to end your marriage but you DON'T WANT to rip his heart out, show it to him and stomp on it ... but you know that's basically how he will feel once he realizes your marriage is over.

The best way to handle it is to be very honest and direct, tell him exactly how you feel and why your mind is already made up that you want a divorce. Point out to him that you respect him and care about him, which is why you don't want to continue the marriage by lying to him, cheating on him, etc. He will appreciate that you were direct, and that he didn't hear things through other people first.

And please tell me that he doesn't have any weapons in the house.

BTW - You definitely need to say more than your filing for divorce & goodbye, he deserves an explanation and opportunity to talk about the marriage one last time.

[Edited 2/23/13 16:43pm]

AFine1 said:

Lammastide said:

Why can't it be?

Well, I guess we've been together 25 years, share 2 kids, and I don't want to end up bitter parents that fight all the time. I don't hate him, and don't want him to hate me, I just don't want to be married to him anymore.

I hear you. But if this is true, ripping out his heart, showing it to him and then stomping on it is not gonna serve your purposes.

You first need to decide what it is you want -- a clean split or some type of emotional grudge match. Because you're sending mixed messages here.

If you want minimum fireworks for all parties involved, you might want to try something like simply sitting down and telling him you've been unhappy for a long time, don't feel there's anything left to salvage, and will be filing for divorce. Simple as that. Let your legal representation do the rest.

I wish you the best. This must be a difficult time for you.

Pokeno4Money said:

AFine1 said:

Lammastide said: Wish it was so simple!

Did I completely misunderstand your first post? Because I interpreted it as you want to end your marriage but you DON'T WANT to rip his heart out, show it to him and stomp on it ... but you know that's basically how he will feel once he realizes your marriage is over.

The best way to handle it is to be very honest and direct, tell him exactly how you feel and why your mind is already made up that you want a divorce. Point out to him that you respect him and care about him, which is why you don't want to continue the marriage by lying to him, cheating on him, etc. He will appreciate that you were direct, and that he didn't hear things through other people first.

And please tell me that he doesn't have any weapons in the house.

BTW - You definitely need to say more than your filing for divorce & goodbye, he deserves an explanation and opportunity to talk about the marriage one last time.

[Edited 2/23/13 16:43pm]

Hear, hear. I was being curt. But I think even this sort of abrupt thing would be better than the hot mess it appears was being planned.

Perhaps I misunderstood your intent, AFine1?

fake your own death? i really don't know

"… come here, take my hand, I'll show U"

"… make sure ya put a pillow up under her ass! She likes that!"

"… move your big ass 'round this way so I can work on that zipper, baby."

then do the same thing with a siblin and the mom...

[Edited 2/23/13 17:18pm]

WHo'se alter are you? I can't figure it out.

Atleast the OP is a decent person.The bad people don't even think,they just do.

Lammastide said:

wouldn't even wanna know. heart is intact. head on the other hand .

You already have decided and in your heart you know will do it.

You feel horrible for your husband, and if you would not, there would be something very wrong with you. So, yes, that is very understandable. And just. Accept that feeling, it might stay with you for a while. Or not.

Nobody goes through life being happy all the time.

Who promised you it would be only fun, love and not challenge at all?

Change can be very painful, especially if you'r not the one who choose the change. However, it can also open doors to grow. It's an oppertunity for personal growth.

Maybe, in 10 years from now, your husband can look back and honestly thank you, because it forced him to grow and give a new direction to his life.

And maybe not, maybe he will still be depressed and blaming you.

In both scenarios, it's up to him how he will cope with the divorce.

You can't decide that for him. Allow him to live his own life and make his own decisions.

And allow yourself to make your own decisions.

The decisision to get support from a counsellor can be helpful.

Tell him/her that you want a divorce.

So, you can work out how you guys will make this happen. It helps both you and your husband to do damagecontrol.

And my advice would be to always be honest to others and yourself.

Stick up for yourself.

Don't halfheartedly stay in the marriage, that will bite you in your but.

But if there is any change you can make it work, do it. Because maybe you think the grass is greener on the outside?

Nothinbutjoy said:

The reason you're struggling with how to do it is because there is no way to do it that will make everything wonderful. If you honestly reflect, you know what needs to be done and you know there's no way to do it without hurt feelings. If you're looking for permission, don't look at it from those on the outside. I'm sorry this is happening in your life right now, it's a painful situation.

You are so right.

with a knife

I'm wondering if you are intending to leave or are you intending to ask them to leave. I'd think that would determine how much one would break another's heart. I think it's more shocking to be asked to leave your own home out of the blue. And how out of the blue is this, all these years and this person is absolutely clueless to how unhappy you are? However, anyway it's done it isn't going to be painless, so if you're going to do, then do it.

How do you know his heart would get broken?

Whatever you do...make sure to be completely & totally HONEST.

No duplicity.

It may hurt him...it may not...but honestly will gain you a positive relationship after the ink dries.

Lies will lead to loss of trust & respect.

BTW - have you tried counseling? 20 years is a long time.