Hi there... I know I almost never post in this forum... but I really need some input on something and I know you guys will tell me what you think.

My boyfriend is suffering from depression... he is not officially diagnosed and his moods have always been up and down, but it has gotten MUCH worse lately... to the point of not really eating or sleeping much... and he absolutely refuses to get professional help.

I don't know what to do Any ideas? Anyone else been through this with a loved one/significant other?

wow, i feel for you. i have not been close to anyone with this disorder.

i have no idea what i'd do if i were you. i know there are some good resources and websites that have better advice. i'd ask around in there, see what the pros say. good luck.

One thing my doctor always tells me is to get 30 minutes of walking a day. Moderate excercise increases the amount of serotonin in the brain, an imbalance in which can lead to physical and psycological disorders including depression. Perhaps walking with him for 30 minutes each day could ease some of his symptons as well as allow you to spend time together. However, I would still try to encourage him to seek professional help. Just try to do so without being pushy or nagging. His regular doctor should be able to help him. Here is a link to the webmd website. They mention several medications, some of which I tried myself. The one I'm on now is called Pristiq and is the only one that has helped. Hang in the and try to be patient with him. Depression is a horrible thing to deal with.

http://www.webmd.com/depression/recognizing-depression-symptoms/serotonin

CuddlyBear said:

One thing my doctor always tells me is to get 30 minutes of walking a day. Moderate excercise increases the amount of serotonin in the brain, an imbalance in which can lead to physical and psycological disorders including depression. Perhaps walking with him for 30 minutes each day could ease some of his symptons as well as allow you to spend time together. However, I would still try to encourage him to seek professional help. Just try to do so without being pushy or nagging. His regular doctor should be able to help him. Here is a link to the webmd website. They mention several medications, some of which I tried myself. The one I'm on now is called Pristiq and is the only one that has helped. Hang in the and try to be patient with him. Depression is a horrible thing to deal with.

http://www.webmd.com/depression/recognizing-depression-symptoms/serotonin

As someone who is dealing with depression myself, I could not agree with you more. The advice that you gave is excellent.

a little aromatherapy can't hurt. I use lavender, rosemary, and clary sage, which does not smell overly feminine. they have these nice plugins now for the house and car. also light music...Mozart helps or for me, water sounds. also prayer, meditation, and exercise...

the biggest thing for a person with depression is to know that someone cares.....

usually my depression worsens due to stress, and people getting on my nerves, but a person who is there in a nonobtrusive, soothing way, helps a lot.

Thank you all for the helpful advice so far. I really appreciate it.

I wish I could convince him that it would be worth it to talk to his doctor... he is very old school... tends to believe that men shouldn't ask for help... that they should just man up and handle their problems.

And I love the exercise idea, but he has a very physical job, and I have a desk job... so he tends to want to just sit down when I am ready to move around some. I will definitely see what progress we can make on this... at least get out for a walk on the weekends.

shiloh66 said:

I wish I could convince him that it would be worth it to talk to his doctor... he is very old school... tends to believe that men shouldn't ask for help... that they should just man up and handle their problems.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of great strength. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to admit you have a problem and need help. Take it from someone who has been there.

CuddlyBear said:

shiloh66 said:

I wish I could convince him that it would be worth it to talk to his doctor... he is very old school... tends to believe that men shouldn't ask for help... that they should just man up and handle their problems.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of great strength. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to admit you have a problem and need help. Take it from someone who has been there.

I am going to use that line the next time we talk about this. Thanks!

I feel for you, my ex partner suffered with depression/anxiety and it was tough watching him go through it.

All I can say is he didn't get any better until he got professional, it's an illness the same as anything physical.

My ex was reluctant to get help but between me and his parents we managed to get him to believe it was the right thing to do - we didn't tell him he had to, but explained why we thought it was a good idea. He eventually came around to it.

One important thing - make sure you take care of yourself too.

If he has a very physical job, then touch is a great healer.

Rub his feet, shoulders or scalp. Little treats, that reduce stress.

Try new things like a paffafin treatment for his hands, after a hand masage. He'll like it, it'll relax him and its not too much work on your part. Its also something that brings you two together and it'll reduce stress for you as well.

Oh and try NOT to hold conversation with him if you can (with the exception of intructions on telling him to breathe deep and relax) , just enjoy each other in quiet comfort. Let him initiate conversation.

I used to work in a salon, and I found out that

*shampooing someone's head

*waxing some's eyebrows/body

*drawing henna/coloring hair

*comb outs-removing rollers

were all relaxing to my clients and they loved being touched by me. They all said it was a stress reliever.

My best wishes for you both, I hope he gets better.

I suffer with bipolar depression and my eating and sleep is messed up too though I'm trying to improve it. Taking walks and physical activity are a good idea, and finding a healthy outlet to get all the anger and sadness, cause I'm having problems with that one, repressing it cause of too much pain.

It's hard because in my experience people with depression don't always want to do anything about it (or they are unmotivated because of the depression).

I think if this is the case, you might need to appeal to him with your needs, asking him to try something for your sake because his moods affect your happiness in this relationship--stressing how much you care about him, of course.

The reason you have to use yourself is that he might just try to tough it out or not acknowledge anything is wrong. But he cannot really deny it if you're saying it has begun to affect you, too. Of course, you are taking a chance with a confrontation like that, but sometimes you have to.

NDRU said:

It's hard because in my experience people with depression don't always want to do anything about it (or they are unmotivated because of the depression).

I think if this is the case, you might need to appeal to him with your needs, asking him to try something for your sake because his moods affect your happiness in this relationship--stressing how much you care about him, of course.

The reason you have to use yourself is that he might just try to tough it out or not acknowledge anything is wrong. But he cannot really deny it if you're saying it has begun to affect you, too. Of course, you are taking a chance with a confrontation like that, but sometimes you have to.

That's true. Most people don't realize that depresseion not only affects you but everyone else around you. Whether it be mood swings or just the fact that seeing you depressed hurts them to know you're hurting and they don't know what to do, depression affects everyone in some way.

shiloh66 said:

Thank you all for the helpful advice so far. I really appreciate it.

I wish I could convince him that it would be worth it to talk to his doctor... he is very old school... tends to believe that men shouldn't ask for help... that they should just man up and handle their problems.

And I love the exercise idea, but he has a very physical job, and I have a desk job... so he tends to want to just sit down when I am ready to move around some. I will definitely see what progress we can make on this... at least get out for a walk on the weekends.

if he won't seek help for his depression there isn't anyting you can do except encourage him to get help. brochures or information on depression might help. you can't help someone with depression get over it if they're severe.

NDRU said:

It's hard because in my experience people with depression don't always want to do anything about it (or they are unmotivated because of the depression).

I think if this is the case, you might need to appeal to him with your needs, asking him to try something for your sake because his moods affect your happiness in this relationship--stressing how much you care about him, of course.

The reason you have to use yourself is that he might just try to tough it out or not acknowledge anything is wrong. But he cannot really deny it if you're saying it has begun to affect you, too. Of course, you are taking a chance with a confrontation like that, but sometimes you have to.

Yeah the above, or if you don't want to risk adding the burden of guilt on him you could talk to him about your own problems that are independent of his and ask for his help. A lot of the time depressions occur when people feel useless and lack purpose or direction, so if you can show him that you need him and his strength he'll get something to focus on other than himself and maybe feel like he's finding a (temporary) meaningful role in life.

retina said:

NDRU said:

It's hard because in my experience people with depression don't always want to do anything about it (or they are unmotivated because of the depression).

I think if this is the case, you might need to appeal to him with your needs, asking him to try something for your sake because his moods affect your happiness in this relationship--stressing how much you care about him, of course.

The reason you have to use yourself is that he might just try to tough it out or not acknowledge anything is wrong. But he cannot really deny it if you're saying it has begun to affect you, too. Of course, you are taking a chance with a confrontation like that, but sometimes you have to.

Yeah the above, or if you don't want to risk adding the burden of guilt on him you could talk to him about your own problems that are independent of his and ask for his help. A lot of the time depressions occur when people feel useless and lack purpose or direction, so if you can show him that you need him and his strength he'll get something to focus on other than himself and maybe feel like he's finding a (temporary) meaningful role in life.

that's a good suggestion

NDRU said:

retina said:

Yeah the above, or if you don't want to risk adding the burden of guilt on him you could talk to him about your own problems that are independent of his and ask for his help. A lot of the time depressions occur when people feel useless and lack purpose or direction, so if you can show him that you need him and his strength he'll get something to focus on other than himself and maybe feel like he's finding a (temporary) meaningful role in life.

that's a good suggestion

I like that... because from his perspective, it is a fine line between telling him he needs to get some help because it is affecting our relationship and me nagging him or being too pushy... so maybe this will work.

I can also see how this could be a general issue in our relationship right now because I am writing my master's thesis in addition to working full time, so I haven't had a lot of time to spend with him lately, and I'm afraid he feels like he's less important than my school work, even though I make a point of telling him how much he means to me.

These are all good suggestions.

Maybe take some supplements as well, like St. John's Wort and Fish Oil, and find out about dieting habits,

there are plenty of alternative means you can try, probably all combined will make a difference.

a friend of mine ended up having to give her partner an ultimatum to seek help. Either he goes to see someone, or she moves out. I don't know how many years she has been suffering with him, but this finally got him to go, he asked her to go with him, she did and last time I saw them, they were having a great time - TOGETHER! So in this case, it did take a drastic measure but it thankfully paid off. He admires her for her strength of character I think and the last thing he ever wanted is to hurt her. He didn't realise he was making her nearly as depressed as he was

Most good advice has already been given; I just want to stress the fact that it is very important not to push him and make him feel awkward, this will lead to him closing up even more eventually.

Drastic measures, as mentioned by ZK, should be the very last effort, if necessary.

Get him to see a doctor. Get referred to a good psychologist for counselling.

Hope all turns out ok

Thanks for all the great help. Y'all are wonderful.