SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Wow Supa

PaisleyPark5083 said:

especially since that was the only thing besides I love you that I understood in that conversation! It was like she was in a fog and became lucid to tell me that. Wow is right



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[Edited 7/23/09 12:23pm]

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

You know she wanted that part of her conversation, to come across crystal clear, bless her.

applekisses said:

Apples, I can't believe you had 2 losses in a week. And that your mother is the only one left. This is incredibly sad but makes your connection with her that much more meaningful. You'll both need each other and my god is your mother BLESSED to have such a beautiful woman as her daughter.

I can't truly capture the enormity of my decision to come out to her. I knew it was a part of my path but I stayed true to the things that I knew I needed to do first in order to make that choice. The main thing being my participation in the annual event for my public speaking group. That gave me the opportunity to bring something concrete and real to the table when I spoke with her. Here is the program for that event:

Front:




Inside:

I am so sorry for your loss Richard. I know how much your grandmother meant to you and I am so very very happy that you had the time to show her your true self, perhaps that was what she was holding on for in a way? Love you sweetie.

Teacher said:

You know, I really wonder if that might be true. Like with the unfinished business out of the way, she could move on. wow

Love you Jen
[Edited 7/23/09 15:48pm]

I don't know how you do it, but you do you. Losing a person close to your heart is hard. I'm treasuring these times I share with my grandmother

morningsong said:

It is hard, especially when the death is tragic. But realizing that this is a part of life and that everybody goes through it brings a sort of comfort. We all have our time.

Today my dad, uncles and grandfather are viewing her body for the last time. Tomorrow she returns to ashes. Monday is the wake and Tuesday is the funeral.

Richie, there are so many things I want to say here and I hope I can remember them all. Firstly, I want to apologize as usual for being so distant. You and Ivy are two orgers I love deeply but am so awful at keeping in touch with. There is no excuse; especially since I have both your phone numbers and you're both on Facebook. Still, I try to minimize my time on this site and don't get to keep up with a lot of things because of it. Anyway....

thank you so much for sharing your last moments with your abuelita with us. Your abilities allow us to truly see and feel her when you speak of her and it's touching beyond words. Your OWN strength, courage and wisdom come through so strongly when you speak of how you face "death" and transition; it must be passed down, as you're one of the strongest, most courageous and wise people I've met.

Speaking of 'met'--this has no place here, but my mind's scattered and I might as well say it here. I'm sorry if I seemed distant when we finally had the chance to meet. It was so great to see everyone at Bob's (despite my being hours late; I wouldn't have shown at all if it weren't for Ren's incessant begging ), but I'd just been laid off, was supporting myself and a friend at the time, and was totally wrapped up in some emotional stuff that year. I was just coming out of a serious dark (yet valuable) phase and really wasn't smoothed out yet. Looking back, I was pretty reserved and possibly even standoffish that night. If my memory serves me correctly, I am so sorry.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

This really says so much. No matter how accepting and loving she was, it's no small thing that your grandmother responded as warmly as she did to news in which someone so old-world and traditional would treat it as alien or even blasphemous. My grandmother is 95 and I can't imagine what her response would be if one of her grandkids came out to her. It really says so much about your abuelita.





She's the best!!


Richard, this is one of your many gifts. Take me seriously when I say that souls of all species receive comfort from you when it's their time. Think about it--I'm not pulling your leg here. Whatever it is you're providing brings much peace.





That is so adorable. Bless him. He sounds like my dad, who is SO 70's you wouldn't believe it. What a strong guy.


Damned right.


This is so beautiful, Richard.


Mmm. Wild doesn't even begin.


Indeed you have inherited all of her priceless qualities and so much more. I can't begin to explain what a special and strong individual you are. I love you so much.

There are a million other things I need to tell you and I will. For now I've got to run. My thoughts are with your family, especially tomorrow when the beautiful Vicenta, now at peace and free of pain, will return to stardust. PS: You are so damned handsome in those pics. And she was EIGHTY there?!? Alright, we know where you got that eternal youth!

Well we are just not gonna have this conversation. I am guilty like a million times over for this with many people. I feel bad but there isn't 78 hours in a day! Even though we're not talking all the time, you're there when it really counts and that is what matters






A lot about this experience leads me to wonder if I will be connecting with others in this way outside my family. The hospice workers were amazing and I can see myself doing something like that. they gave so much dignity and graceful care to my grandmother. At the end she couldn't even get out of bed and it was the best my grandfather could do to try and bathe her and change the sheets. This is such a compassionate and amazing thing to do for a human you don't even know. It really moved me and made me think.....






Awwwww baby, you're the sweetest

re: the first time we met. Believe it or not, many people don't find their comfort level with other orgers til the 2nd or 3rd meeting! I met lots so I can say this from experience U were sweet, full of heart and reminded me of kind of a shy little sea creature. And I knew, instinctively, that this was an issue for you but it didn't come off as standoffish or offensive. At no point did I feel anything but warmth and love for and from you. You really are the sweetest






Well yeah, my grandma was very old school in a lot of ways. You don't just tell a Mexican grandma something willy nilly without considering whether or not she's gonna kick your ass

When I have told people in my personal life that I just came out to her only 3 months ago, most of them have acted shocked because of how open I am in my life otherwise. You?! You of all people were still in the closet?! Yes, even Princess Supa proving how hard it really is for any gay person to even come out in the first place.

My cousin's death has added so many dimensions to the way I consider living my life. Honesty became a big issue for me. It's interesting because when I have these heart centered threads, people respond amazingly. the second I open my mouth to give my opininated opinion some want to accuse me of fakery and that my humanitarianism doesn't matter anymore. Well why does everyone else get to say what they want and I have to stifle my voice? I think people want me to be Mother Theresa!

This is something that mostly doesn't bother me because usually the people trying to lobb this bomb against me are stupid asses that need to be slapped BUT it has changed friendships with some people who I LOVED and they may have felt I should be more humanitarian and less bitch and they personalized that feeling resulting in a drastic change in our friendship.

So it's something I am trying to balance. But I give the sunshine and the stormy clouds. I hold none of it back. I feel this makes me super honest because I'm telling the truth of how I feel at all times! This experience with my grandma has taught me a lesson about grace and so I will take that as I try to make sure that the storms bring rain to the needy and wipe out evil villages Just gotta be the right kind of stormin

Not sure why I just went there but obviously, it's been on my mind



Being sick for 2 of the last 4 weeks (the 2nd & 3rd of the 4 weeks) really stressed me the hell out. I was so sick that getting up just to go to the restroom I felt completely winded and like I was going to pass out. I haven't been that sick in so long. Anyway, during that time I didn't call my grandmother even though I knew she was going downhill. I knew that if I called I wouldn't be able to hide the fact that I was in a sickbed and I didn't want to add that to my grandmother's plate. But I was literally freaking out like every day why am I not getting better? I have to get better so I can see my grandma!

The saturday of that second week is the last time I saw my grandmother concious and when I lay in bed with her. During the time when I was sick I desperately wanted to get to her to have a conversation with her about her spirit. Namely if she felt like she was losing or lost her spirit in her sickness. As sick as I was, I became depressed, lonely, sad and disconnected from my spirit and I could only imagine what it must have been feeling like for my grandmother. I wanted her to know this mattered to me, that I was concerned for her spirit as I was for her body.

I didn't get to have that specific conversation but others talked to my grandma about matters of faith and salvation and as I have talked to them I believe that the seeds we planted in my grandmother did evolve and bear fruit. We weren't able to confirm that, but I have faith that God spoke to her in her private moments.





I know! And she told me all serious too. When I leaned down and told her yes, I would do her a favor I was thinking anything but bingo She's was so cute






I have thought deeply about what you said about the cat. The one that got run over by the car when I was only trying to feed it. Something happened with a friend of mine and that thing you said about the cat waiting for someone it felt safe with, in order to go to the other side, that resonated with me so hard when my friend told me her story of a cat. I'll explain it in orgnotes when I have a free minute. Too busy typing here






It was so nice to feel that happy genuine laughter at a time when literally I am watching the titanic sink. Because it was a moment that I shared with my grandfather, I didn't feel guilty laughing because I knew my grandmother would love to see us that way.

But yeah, my grandfather is a strong man and I wouldn't be surprised to be going to his 100th birthday





Yup, 80 years old! I just hope my life isn't like this one cartoon I saw where the TV audience is gasping and gaping in horror as Dick Clark ages into the crypt keeper before their very eyes while doing the New Years Eve countdown Hopefully god will let me keep it for a little while longer



and now look what you made me do. I wrote another book!

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[Edited 7/24/09 16:40pm]

Just saw this thread now after replying to you on the 'So You Think You Can Dance' thread ..

I read what you were saying about how your mother wanted to remember your grandmother at her best. Don't be angry about it, everyone grieves in their own way and also, maybe they couldn't handle seeing her in pain like that.

I know everyone says this but it does get easier - the sorrow never leaves you and you will still miss her but the tears eventually stop and you can talk about the good times you had ..

Lammastide said:

Lammykins

SugarnSpice said:

In this experience I was very concious to be aware that everyone processes death differently and as my mother wouldn't appreciate someone forcing her to see my grandmother, likewise I would knock somebody the hell out who told me I couldn't. I approached both my sister and mom without anger and it made a difference. They both went to see her and I am so happy for my grandmother that she got to see eveyrone she wanted to see.

thank you for your thoughts and consideration. It means a lot to me

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[Edited 7/24/09 16:43pm]

KidaDynamite said:

Kida

Interesting that the song "Home" has been speaking to me so hard.

These lyrics:




Are very wizard of Ozish Finding something that you had the whole time. There's no place like home. Home is in the heart.

Richard,

I've witnessed how you've grown as a person in the spirit since Lisa's death. I believe the timing of your coming out to your Grandmother helped give her even more courage and strength to cope with the ordeal of her ilness. She certainly realized what it took for you to bare your soul to her and it surely inspired her. Such is the way of unconditional love without boundaries. I must also share how your insights have touched me even as I read your words and shed tears of sympathy and understanding for your loss...my grandmother helped raise me and the value of what she instilled in my spirit is beyond words.

You are a magnificent work in progress, much love to you...

How did the chat with your Aunt and Uncle go, Richard?

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I believe so, it occurred to me right away when I read this - not only could SHE move on, you could as well.

babynoz said:

I can't believe my life these past 5 years. Things are happening that I never could have imagined. I'm going to post the details later but I gave a eulogy at her wake and spoke to my family at the funeral. 2 amazing and powerful moments that I would have wasted when I was younger and before reflecting on the miracle that is life.

Thank you for recognizing that there is some growth in there and I appreciate your words and your thoughts like you wouldn't believe. Love you

onenitealone said:

I have discovered that I'm going to have to do it in phases I don't think I can coral my aunt and uncle together as their schedules are totally hit and miss. But I started phase 1 with my aunt and yesterday got to talk to my cousin Sonya, the sister of my cousin Lisa, and it was amazing. I very much needed to talk with and connect to her regarding my cousin. We had a beautiful heartfelt talk and we were bawling practically the whole time.

And wait till I tell you about the eulogy. You are going to fall off your damn chair!

Supa I am sorry for your loss.

You have memorializedy your Grandmother so eloquently.

God Bless you, and your family.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Oh, I noticed all right...and I look forward to the details of the eulogy.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

When it's the right time, it's the right time. I'm sure you'll get your chance.

And please tell us about the eulogy - I hope the funeral went well (weird as that sounds) and it's brought you and your family peace. Take care, Rich.

CHIC0 said:

thank you baby

sag10 said:

thank you Sag (soft g )

I receive your blessings

babynoz said:

Some people only see the evil princess



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[Edited 7/29/09 11:36am]