It's time to step out on faith, I gotta show my face
It's been elusive for so long, freedom is mine today
gotta step out on faith, it's time to show my face
Procrastination had me down, look what I have found, I found:

Strength, Courage and Wisdom
It's been inside of me all along
Strength, Courage and Wisdom inside of me....
India Arie - Strength, Courage and Wisdom


There are so many words I would use to describe my Grandmother but Strength, Courage and Wisdom describe the person my grandma was perfectly. She was incredibly strong throughout her life, she was courageous against her illness and she shared her wisdom. And it is strength, courage and wisdom that she inspired me to find within myself. Anniversaries are very important to me and I wanted to mention 2 of them. Yesterday, was my grandmother's 87th birthday and today is 3 months to the day from when I posted this thread about coming out to her:

http://prince.org/msg/100/305523:

My beloved Grandmother passed away this morning in her home with her husband by her side. For the rest of my life, coming out to my grandmother will be one of the most profound things that I have ever done. I couldn't imagine that in three short months she would be gone but I will be forever grateful that I was able to share my true life with her. These last 3 months between us has been so beautiful because I chose to step out on faith. She inspired me to take the first steps to truly living a fearless life.....

I had one last piece to post in the thread where I spoke of coming out to her. No more appropriate place than this thread to share.



So I told her all about this and at the end of it I told her that there is a place for her in my perfect Garden and that when she passes she will go there. Saturday July 12th was the last time I ever saw my Grandma concious. My sister and I went over and I lay down in her bed next to her and I held her hand and I kissed it over and over. I also stroked her arm and stroked her hair and we talked and she asked me to make sure to take care of the boys (my nephews) and I told her we would always look after them and that I would always help my sister.

I told her that it was OK to let go when she was ready and that we as a family would survive and make it and be OK. She said that she wanted god to take her quickly. The last thing I asked her is if she remembered the garden that I told her about before and she said yes and I told her that she would be there soon and she said "I know". The last thing she told me "mijo, can you do one thing for me? Win at bingo"

Over the last 4 years, I have grown closer and closer to my grandmother and we played Bingo together during that time. Even though we were getting closer, there was that one thing that prevented me from fully opening up. I can look back with no regrets because I cleared the air and I do look back and think why didn't I come out to her sooner. Well this just seems like I did it at the perfect time. We became very close when she needed it the most. In a way I feel that I was able to help her transition.

During these three months, my grandmother and I had many conversations about God, faith, her fear of death, her acceptance of death, accepting she was dying but still having that hunger to live. We talked about so many matters of life and the heart. I am honored to have been able to be there for her in this way.

There are so many moments and memories I will cherish from the time that I came out until her passing but one thing stands out for me. It was the week after I told her. On Fridays I would usually call to see how she was feeling for Bingo the next day. That Friday after I came out, she said she was not doing too good and that she was really sick. The next day I went to Bingo and since I didn't expect her I didn't even look to the table she usually sat at. I got closer to the table and I realized that she had made it to bingo! I was genuinely surprised and happy to see her and I will never forget the look on her face when she saw how happy I was. She was absolutely beaming.

5 weeks ago the tumor on her breast burst. Everything inside that tumor came out and she never stopped bleeding. She lost a lot of blood and a lot of energy and none of us expected her to go down so hard and so fast. She stopped eating and wanted her suffering to end. She was ready.

My grandmother had an old school Mexican streak of Valiance. She requested not to have hospice care because she wanted to be present and not drugged up. But she suffered incredibly the last 2 weeks and last Wednesday agreed to let Hospice come in. They gave her some morphine and that was the first rest she had in great many days.

On Saturday I spent about 3 hours with my grandfather. And we talked about many many things. When I was set to leave, the nurse from hospice came and I walked out to her car and I thanked her for caring for my granmother and for helping my grandfather. He was taking the burden of her care mostly on himself and it was taking a toll. I cried during the time that I thanked her and she asked if I was close to my grandmother and I told her yes. She told me she felt like I was a very special person.

Yesterday I spent about 4 hours with my grandfather and we talked more. We really talked about everything. The past, memories, my grandmother and to be honest I have never really talked to my grandfather before. Usually it would be the hellos and goodbyes and small chit chat. This was really the first time I ever had a heart to heart with him. This is a gift that my grandmother had a hand in giving to us both.

At one point I asked my grandfather how he felt he was going to do when she passed. He said that God gives strength and that you gotta keep on truckin. That totally took me off guard. Many of you who grew up in the 70s will probably remember that phrase "keep on truckin" and I pretty much went like this I hadn't heard that phrase in years and I just remembered the mudflaps and bumper stickers:





So I have faith that my grandfather will find the strength to keep on keepin on. I asked him if he would still be going to bingo and he said he would. My grandmother wouldn't want it any other way

Yesterday about 2 hours into my visit, my Uncle Johnny came and told me that a priest was on his way to read my grandmother her last rites and that I was welcome to stay. This was a total surprise to me as I had no idea this was going to happen, let alone that I would be a part of it. So it was myself, my Uncle Ronny, my Uncle Johnny and my grandfather. My own father wasn't able to be there.

But I felt that my presence served two purposes. The first, that I was a replacement or stand in for my father. That I was representing him with my presence. And the second purpose was to bring the feminine energy to the room. It was an all male gathering but the feminine was extremely present because I was there. I am so honored and blessed that I was able to be there at her last rites. I know how important it would have been to her to know that I was there.

A couple months ago, I asked my grandmother if I could have one of her rosaries when she passed and without hesitation she said I could pick out whichever one I wanted and didn't have to wait. I picked one and she told me that her aunt, my Tia Concha, got that for her from Europe. This is the one I chose:



I have been wearing it and will continue wearing it for some time. I loved my Tia Concha so very much and the fact that she gave this to my grandmother makes it that much more special.

I am sad that I will never be able to play Bingo with her again. I am sad that I will never hear her speak and that I will never see her, at least not on this earth. But I am so at peace with the fact that in the end I was completely honest with her and that being honest opened up our relationship and gave us both a true happiness and joy. At the time I told her, her health wasn't of such a critical nature. I did feel a sense of urgency because I knew this lack of honesty was blocking me spiritually. But I told her because I wanted to not because I had to. This makes all the difference to me.

Life is just wild. This is part of it. Thankfully I was able to process her passing and had the time to say goodbye. Many people don't get that. Cherish your family. Love them and live every day of your life. I must come back to the saying I saw on the way to a memorial for the head of our department who died. It said:

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.

Losing my grandmother is huge but I will live the rest of my life holding onto her valor, her strength, her wisdom and her love. My grandmother would want me to keep on living and in her honor I will live and love with everything that I am. I will live a fearless life!

Enjoy the garden grandma, give Lisa and Anthony my love and I'll see you in due time.....




Love Pops

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[Edited 7/23/09 17:06pm]

Supa, this is absolutely beautiful!

I have no better way to descibe it...I know how it feels to lose a grandmother, especially one that you are close to

I'm sure she is looking down on you now, and sensing how you feel, and loves you so much. More than words could ever describe.


[Edited 7/20/09 17:01pm]

paintedlady said:

thekidsgirl said:

Thank you darling. I was very close to my grandmother on my mom's side and she died while I was living my dysfunction with my abusive ex. It hurt me so bad that I lost time with her because I was too busy with the drama of living my life that I lost touch. I didn't want that to happen with my Grandma Vicky. I can't wait til she visits me and I've already visualized her in the garden holding hands with my other grandma and my aunt all dressed in flowing white gowns looking off to the water and to the setting sun

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I can't stop crying.... I am so sorry This is so beautiful, I have no words.

thekidsgirl said:

oh yeah, Your sig!

paintedlady said:

lady, you have no idea the magnitude of all of this. I am going to share this with the rest of my family Also, since gaining the courage to be honest with my grandmother, I am set to speak to my aunt and uncle who's daughter (my cousin Lisa) passed. I will be coming out to my uncle (my aunt already knows) but I will be telling them how I am processing their daughter's death and how I am living my life to bring honor to her and to make sense of the absoulute senslessness in how she died.

I am committed to living as my true self and I jumped the first hurdle with my grandmother. Relying on her strength and love I know the rest of the hurdles will be easy.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I love you!

thekidsgirl said:

And I you. Thank you for being such a good friend to me

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

All my love to you on that journey beautiful one. Stay strong, and I bet you will
inspire all who read this. You sure inspired me. My condolences to the family on the loss of such wonderful woman, and your cousin

There's always some kind of beauty behind tragedy I have always felt that. You are one of those souls that stay connected. I am so sorry for your loss. know that I love you very much and that you know if you need it's done.

IAintTheOne said:

Thank you Ness. I will definitely need the support of all my friends. I have moments when I can't even believe how many tears are in my head and how much my heart swells with sadness and love. My grandmother definitely left her mark. I hope to do the same

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Trust me you do. You have been a influence on me and many other people. I hope to be as influential on people as you are.

I am so sorry Richard. I love you.

Vendetta1 said:

It's a pleasure to behold you in my thread. I love you so very much and thank you for being a wonderful wonderful friend.

IAintTheOne said:

OK, are you counting the evil influence?

Here's another lesson I've learned from grandma. There were several times she told me about her pain. And she told me that sometimes it put her in a bad bad mood but that she knew her pain wasn't anybody else's burden and that it wasn't right to punish someone else for something they can't help.

And here I am ready to assassinate at a moment's notice I want to be able to be that gracious. I was sick for 2 weeks and I bitched out all over the place. I had to appologize to my family but they were driving me bonkers! But to be able to be gracious when I really don't feel it....yeah, that's the lesson I'm learning from my grandma

my lament
a hug

ingamilo said:

Thank you so very much.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Man don't you know how Latin parents are by now? if you sneeze your ass is in bed with tea and a fuckin' tv with cartoons on all day and told not to move in that evil accent

IAintTheOne said:

you know what's funny. I have heard this from about a million different family members/friends by now but I have heard about my grandmother's stubborn streak. People telling me stories of her holding grudges and not budging and I NEVER saw that side of her. Probably because I am a perfect angel and she never needed to go there with me

But yeah, one of the conversations we had when she was in the rest home for physical therapy on her back, this was right before her tumor burst, she told me she saw the importance of not holding grudges and how she loved some of the people she was stubborn against, my mother being one of those people. I never really realized that she had anything against my mom but she did. A lot of it was totally misplaced and she judged her needlessly but I did see my grandmother ask my mom to forgive her for the way she judged her and she cried when she asked that. That happened in my early 30s I think. It was great to see that moment and that they became close in these last years. My mom always wanted that.

Our deepest sympathy ~ I love you

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Like I said there is always some kind of strange beauty within tragedy she's gone to a better place with an eased mind and no pain. It's not an end just the beginning.

Mach said:

Thank you beautiful. I'm thinking back on the conversation I had with Jess and her friend imploring them to talk to their grandparents and spend time with them and I am so thankful that I was speaking to them from experience and not regret.

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[Edited 7/20/09 18:12pm]

My grandparents and me at my grandma's 80th surprise party:

I am so very sorry for your loss Supa s

EskomoKisses said:

Thank you sweetheart

My mother has death issues. She cannot face it. My sister, adopted some of this issue. The main thing is that they don't want to remember someone from the last time they saw them. They want to remember them happy and whole.

People process death in different ways. And I am very concious to be as respectful as possible. But their position is not one that I share. I saw my grandmother like I never saw her before. With that evil fucking tumor poking up from under her skin looking like the back of a giant fist. I saw her with the morphine and the oxygen and watched as she struggled to breathe. This was not pleasant. It hurt me and it made me sad. But it was something I would face a million billion times over to be there with her in that time. And yet, I can, will and do remember my grandmother in all her happiness and wholeness.

Now my mother and sister did not go to the wake or my cousin Lisa's funeral because of this death issue. They didn't want to remember her dead. This angered me incredibly but I have never struck out against them for that. When my grandmother was in the last week of her conciousness, I spoke to both my mom and sister and told them I realize they want to remember grandma one way but that we won't have the time with her back. It will pass never to be had again. And I told them how much my grandmother would love to see them because she loved them both.

My mom and my sister, faced their issue and they went to see my grandmother before she passed. I cannot truly explain how huge this is for me and how free I feel that I won't have to carry the burden of knowing my grandmother wanted to see them but couldn't and that this is one more aspect that none of us has to regret.

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[Edited 7/20/09 18:35pm]

Richard

Supa, it is so sad that your Grandmother has passed, but it is a blessing that you and her shared inner peace. What a wonderful Grandmother you had.


Now for my freaky part...my Tia Concha yes that is her real name, well actually Conception is her true name. Has a rosary just like the one in the picture, it was given to her by my niece Angie. Angie brought it back from Rome during her last visit. My Tia Concha (who is 80 and lives with us) has asked us to put the rosary in her hand after she passes.
Bless you Supa.