In memory of my grandma Vicenta Reyes Corona Lujan: Strength, Courage & Wisdom

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Thread started 07/20/09 4:50pm

SupaFunkyOrgan
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In memory of my grandma Vicenta Reyes Corona Lujan: Strength, Courage & Wisdom

It's time to step out on faith, I gotta show my face
It's been elusive for so long, freedom is mine today
gotta step out on faith, it's time to show my face
Procrastination had me down, look what I have found, I found:

Strength, Courage and Wisdom
It's been inside of me all along
Strength, Courage and Wisdom inside of me....
India Arie - Strength, Courage and Wisdom

There are so many words I would use to describe my Grandmother but Strength, Courage and Wisdom describe the person my grandma was perfectly. She was incredibly strong throughout her life, she was courageous against her illness and she shared her wisdom. And it is strength, courage and wisdom that she inspired me to find within myself. Anniversaries are very important to me and I wanted to mention 2 of them. Yesterday, was my grandmother's 87th birthday and today is 3 months to the day from when I posted this thread about coming out to her:

http://prince.org/msg/100/305523:

My beloved Grandmother passed away this morning in her home with her husband by her side. For the rest of my life, coming out to my grandmother will be one of the most profound things that I have ever done. I couldn't imagine that in three short months she would be gone but I will be forever grateful that I was able to share my true life with her. These last 3 months between us has been so beautiful because I chose to step out on faith. She inspired me to take the first steps to truly living a fearless life.....

I had one last piece to post in the thread where I spoke of coming out to her. No more appropriate place than this thread to share.

So I had wondered exactly how I was going to do this part. Instead of weighing down the conversation by having to explain my philosophies and my beliefs, I decided to tell her the following but that it was a "dream" that I had....

This "dream" is actually connected to the first meditation I did at my public speaking group in which I discovered my perfect Garden. I described the "dream" to her in detail:

In my vision, I am on a cliff. There is a horseshoe shaped indent in the cliff. This place is a cove. I cannot see down into the cove because there are treetops obscuring my view. I am at back edge of the cove and there are steps that go down into it. But if I look down into the steps I still cannot see down into the cove because the staircase is curved and winding. Before going down the stairs I turned looked back and could clearly see the landscape before me. It was completely desolate. Nothing but just flat land and bare dirt.

I saw myself going down each stair, one by one, and when I got to the bottom my Grandma Hazel and my Great Aunt Esther (from my mom's side) were standing there. I was completely unprepared for this as this was the first time I ever meditated and I had no idea that anything would even come of it. Standing there are two of my most prized teachers and people I love the most in my entire life, and I realized they were tending to it until such time as I joined them. This garden was spectacular and at the end of the garden was the beach. And that beach is all the heaven that I've ever been to in my dreams.

So I told her all about this and at the end of it I told her that there is a place for her in my perfect Garden and that when she passes she will go there. Saturday July 12th was the last time I ever saw my Grandma concious. My sister and I went over and I lay down in her bed next to her and I held her hand and I kissed it over and over. I also stroked her arm and stroked her hair and we talked and she asked me to make sure to take care of the boys (my nephews) and I told her we would always look after them and that I would always help my sister.

I told her that it was OK to let go when she was ready and that we as a family would survive and make it and be OK. She said that she wanted god to take her quickly. The last thing I asked her is if she remembered the garden that I told her about before and she said yes and I told her that she would be there soon and she said "I know". The last thing she told me "mijo, can you do one thing for me? Win at bingo" bawl

Over the last 4 years, I have grown closer and closer to my grandmother and we played Bingo together during that time. Even though we were getting closer, there was that one thing that prevented me from fully opening up. I can look back with no regrets because I cleared the air and I do look back and think why didn't I come out to her sooner. Well this just seems like I did it at the perfect time. We became very close when she needed it the most. In a way I feel that I was able to help her transition.

During these three months, my grandmother and I had many conversations about God, faith, her fear of death, her acceptance of death, accepting she was dying but still having that hunger to live. We talked about so many matters of life and the heart. I am honored to have been able to be there for her in this way.

There are so many moments and memories I will cherish from the time that I came out until her passing but one thing stands out for me. It was the week after I told her. On Fridays I would usually call to see how she was feeling for Bingo the next day. That Friday after I came out, she said she was not doing too good and that she was really sick. The next day I went to Bingo and since I didn't expect her I didn't even look to the table she usually sat at. I got closer to the table and I realized that she had made it to bingo! excited

I was genuinely surprised and happy to see her and I will never forget the look on her face when she saw how happy I was. She was absolutely beaming.

5 weeks ago the tumor on her breast burst. Everything inside that tumor came out and she never stopped bleeding. She lost a lot of blood and a lot of energy and none of us expected her to go down so hard and so fast. She stopped eating and wanted her suffering to end. She was ready.

My grandmother had an old school Mexican streak of Valiance. She requested not to have hospice care because she wanted to be present and not drugged up. But she suffered incredibly the last 2 weeks and last Wednesday agreed to let Hospice come in. They gave her some morphine and that was the first rest she had in great many days.

On Saturday I spent about 3 hours with my grandfather. And we talked about many many things. When I was set to leave, the nurse from hospice came and I walked out to her car and I thanked her for caring for my granmother and for helping my grandfather. He was taking the burden of her care mostly on himself and it was taking a toll. I cried during the time that I thanked her and she asked if I was close to my grandmother and I told her yes. She told me she felt like I was a very special person.

Yesterday I spent about 4 hours with my grandfather and we talked more. We really talked about everything. The past, memories, my grandmother and to be honest I have never really talked to my grandfather before. Usually it would be the hellos and goodbyes and small chit chat. This was really the first time I ever had a heart to heart with him. This is a gift that my grandmother had a hand in giving to us both.

At one point I asked my grandfather how he felt he was going to do when she passed. He said that God gives strength and that you gotta keep on truckin. That totally took me off guard. Many of you who grew up in the 70s will probably remember that phrase "keep on truckin" and I pretty much went like this spit

I hadn't heard that phrase in years and I just remembered the mudflaps and bumper stickers:

So I have faith that my grandfather will find the strength to keep on keepin on. I asked him if he would still be going to bingo and he said he would. My grandmother wouldn't want it any other way smile

Yesterday about 2 hours into my visit, my Uncle Johnny came and told me that a priest was on his way to read my grandmother her last rites and that I was welcome to stay. This was a total surprise to me as I had no idea this was going to happen, let alone that I would be a part of it. So it was myself, my Uncle Ronny, my Uncle Johnny and my grandfather. My own father wasn't able to be there.

But I felt that my presence served two purposes. The first, that I was a replacement or stand in for my father. That I was representing him with my presence. And the second purpose was to bring the feminine energy to the room. It was an all male gathering but the feminine was extremely present because I was there. I am so honored and blessed that I was able to be there at her last rites. I know how important it would have been to her to know that I was there.

A couple months ago, I asked my grandmother if I could have one of her rosaries when she passed and without hesitation she said I could pick out whichever one I wanted and didn't have to wait. I picked one and she told me that her aunt, my Tia Concha, got that for her from Europe. This is the one I chose:

I have been wearing it and will continue wearing it for some time. I loved my Tia Concha so very much and the fact that she gave this to my grandmother makes it that much more special.

I am sad that I will never be able to play Bingo with her again. I am sad that I will never hear her speak and that I will never see her, at least not on this earth. But I am so at peace with the fact that in the end I was completely honest with her and that being honest opened up our relationship and gave us both a true happiness and joy. At the time I told her, her health wasn't of such a critical nature. I did feel a sense of urgency because I knew this lack of honesty was blocking me spiritually. But I told her because I wanted to not because I had to. This makes all the difference to me.

Life is just wild. This is part of it. Thankfully I was able to process her passing and had the time to say goodbye. Many people don't get that. Cherish your family. Love them and live every day of your life. I must come back to the saying I saw on the way to a memorial for the head of our department who died. It said:

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.

Losing my grandmother is huge but I will live the rest of my life holding onto her valor, her strength, her wisdom and her love. My grandmother would want me to keep on living and in her honor I will live and love with everything that I am. I will live a fearless life!

Enjoy the garden grandma, give Lisa and Anthony my love and I'll see you in due time.....

peace

Love Pops

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[Edited 7/23/09 17:06pm]

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