And the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Today is the 5 year anniversary of the day that changed. my. life.: Domestic Abuse.....a survivor's story: http://www.prince.org/msg/100/114206

When I wrote that, I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams where it would lead me. I put it out there as a public service announcement, nothing more than that. When I printed it out, it was nearly 100 pages of responses. Seeing the outpouring of support and reading other people's stories woke me to the fact that I was not over it. AT. ALL.

I have been part of a public speaking group, Heart Centered Speakers, since January of 2008. Last night, I led my very first meeting. In this meeting I spoke of this last 5 years and laid out each step I've taken towards my healing and how each led towards the next. I am beginning to understand these steps as a vision and that these steps are a new foundation of love and light, replacing the old foundation of fear and pain.

Before members arrived, I began by setting up the room. Once set up, I said a prayer. Members arrived and I introduced myself as leading the meeting for the first time. I set the intention of the night stating The Power of Heart as our theme. I then led the prayer giving thanks for the opportunity to come together and asking for guidance and inspiration.





Next I led my very first meditation:

I heard something on the radio the other day that astounded me. It said that our hearts pump blood through the equivalent of 60,000 miles of blood vessels every 20 seconds. To give context, the circumference of the Earth is nearly 25,000 miles. This is 2 trips around the planet, every 20 seconds!

Our heart does this without direction, without thought, automatically. If our hearts are capable of such an amazing physical feat, imagine its capabilities in the spiritual world.

Place one hand on your heart and stretch the other outward towards the center of our circle. Now close your eyes and take 3 deep breaths, in.....out..... Feel the beat of your heart. This is your life-force. It is what carries us through every moment of our human existence. Focus on your heart's purpose. Focus on your truth, this is where it comes from.

Feel that purpose, that power, and see it traveling down your extended arm. See it becoming light in the palm of your hand. See it connecting to the other lights in the circle. This is community, this is power, this is peace.....





Next were the introductions. I asked that each person give their name and tell us the last goal/milestone they achieved or the next goal/milestone that is coming up for them. I spoke of today being the 5 year mark of the day I wrote my domestic abuse article. Another spoke of the process of adopting 2 children. Another spoke of re-engaging her intuitive art.





My presentation was 15 minutes, but because I have the time in this thread I will reveal the full book! But it will be my next post so this one doesn't make people's eyes fall out





After our presentations (there were 3), we moved to an activity of my choice. I purchased my very first deck. It is called the Inner Child Deck. The very first card I pulled in January of this year and this card transformed my visions and dreams into a real place in my life. This is the very first card from any deck that I ever pulled:



Two of Hearts

Sacred union and attraction in the feeling realm are personified by the mermaid and merman in this card. A rainbow connects and balances them. Two dolphins representing the intelligence of the universe leap over the rainbow in unison and joy.

According to classical myth, the dolphin was placed among the stars as the constellation Delphinius because it played the role of matchmaker, merging the sea goddess Amphitrite with Poseidon. This card can symbolize either two people sharing lover or two aspects of a person striving for unity and wholeness. Therefore, marriage, in all its forms, is associated with this card.

It is from this place of divine union that we encounter balance and integrity in the polarity of the sexes. Two in any suit attracts the potential to regulate duality. You may be sharing your heart with another at this time, one whom you feel to be a beloved mate. This spiritual partner could be an actual lover, a friend, or a higher awakening.

As you meditate on the deeper meanings of this card, remember that your own heart can be a rainbow bridge of living color and light, linking you to the source of the Divine Child within and helping you heal old wounds in the heart of a loved one.

The first person I thought of was my cousin Lisa who died. Later I will explain the HUGE impact this card had on my thinking and beliefs.

My activity involved each person pulling a card and telling how it speaks to them. The first person pulled 1 card and 3 more cards came from the deck with that card so she pulled all 4. To stay in rhythm, I pulled 4 cards:






I see this card as the beginning of my birth. The backdrop is red, a sea of fire. In this destruction is a lone flower. The fairy has alighted on the flower only with the tips of her toes. She is approaching this miracle with caution. She is inspecting the flower to make sure it's real. This is a secure place in a sea of destruction.




I see this card as community, joining fellow souls in search of their life purpose.




This boy is surrounded by many tools of creation. I see this card as a boy who cannot believe what he sees in the mirror. There is magic as he touches his reflection. He cannot be sure of the miracle in the mirror but his reflection is pointing back yes, this is you!




This card represents comfort and serenity. The outside is bitter and cold, inside is a refuge, a shelter. This matronly figure sits on a rainbow carpet of magic, lighting her candles with intention.





We closed the night by saying a prayer at 9:09, on the date of 09/09/09. Leading this group was just the next step in my life as leader, teacher, healer. One of the co-founders of this group offered an invitation to lead our LA group and I accepted and will be leading our group next month.
[Edited 10/1/09 10:05am]

I want to share the following for two reasons. First, to memorialize this time in my life and reflect on what brought me to the place I now stand. Second, to give a roadmap to those who might be at the point of their life where they're ready to deal with their pain and tear down the house of cards they've been living in all their life in order to build a solid home.

The first thing that happened when I sat and wrote that article was the realization that I only swept my pain under the carpet, that I simply dressed that demon up in nice clothes and hope it would play nice. It was 10 years since leaving my ex and when I thought about it, it didn't hurt me like it used to. When I thought of it, it didn't make me cry. These are the signs of moving on right? My reaction to reading my and other stories proved otherwise. I knew in my heart that I had never truly dealt with it and it was clear this was the time for me to slay this demon.

Over the next year, I did A LOT of soul searching. The first step was to look inside myself. To get over and past and through this pain in my life, I had to examine ME. I will not lie, this was so HARD. It hurt so much to go back to that place. But there was no other way to bury this thing. I had to face it head on. In order to move forward, I had to understand my motivations. What made me do the things that I did? What made me make the choices that I made.

I was the product of my environment. I grew up watching the women in my life being hit by men, mostly other family members. My first memory in life is of my dad beating my mom up. It is natural that I reflect the only things I ever saw in my life. Regardless of the justification for why I made the choices I made, those choices still had a consequence. The reaction doesn't care about the action. It didn't matter that I was making choices from fear and confusion, the result was the same regardless of whether I was justified or not.

That year of soul searching involved me questioning my motivations and understanding why I made the choices I made and why I was the person I was. Most of the answers weren't ones I wanted to hear, but I had to take responsibility for my role in that relationship. I chose to stay. Why did I choose that, that is what I had to find out. When I got real with myself, I could look at those reasons and understand that they were the choices of a broken person. That they were made from fear. I could understand that my past compelled me into this life but I could also understand that I wanted a change.

This led to my first breakthrough in my healing. Forgiving myself. Many of us can lie to others, and even get away with it. But truly, we can't lie to ourselves. Even when you've convinced yourself by telling yourself that lie so many times you start to believe it, deep down you know the truth. You can't hide from this. I no longer was willing to hide from the truth, so I embraced it and I forgave myself for the pain that I caused through my choices. This doesn't absolve the other person of their role, not at all. But all choices come with consequences and unless you understand the motivations for those bad and wrong choices, you'll never be in a position to change your life.

This act of forgiving myself gave me the ability to forgive someone else. Over that year of soul searching, I had to figure out how to reconcile my ex still being in my life. I didn't see him much but he would sometimes show up at the same parties or at the same bars and mostly I did whatever I could to avoid him. So one day I saw him out and asked him if he had a few minutes to talk. Eagerly, he said yes.

We went outside and I told him how I wrote this article and how it changed my life. I told him that I had been soul searching for a year and came to the genuine point of forgiveness in my heart. I told him that I was willing to let go of the past and the hatred and anger and suffering that came with it. I recognized to him that I saw some of the changes in his life and that I was moving on with my life. He cried, said he was sorry and I cried as well. I discovered that the act of forgiving someone else is not only about what you give that person, but what you give yourself.
[Edited 9/21/09 18:35pm]

Four months after this miraculous breakthrough, my cousin Lisa died. She was 30 years old. She died from complications from an assault by her boyfriend. She was 6 months pregnant and her boyfriend's assault tore the placenta in her womb. She went to the hospital in the San Francisco Bay area and they got the bleeding under control. They recommended that she stay 4 days, she stayed for 2. She called her dad to come home so he sent her the money for a Greyhound.

She was home 1 day, and apparently old habits die hard. She met up with some old friends she used to do drugs with and she did some cocaine. This brought on bleeding and she hemorrhaged and had a heart attack and died. Her friends left her there all alone and a shop keeper found her in the alley next to his business.

The paramedics came and revived her and this is how she ended up in the hospital down here in Southern California. She was having seizures and was in and out of consciousness but not responsive. Her sister told me that it would seem like she was awake but she would go out again and have those seizures.

The doctors told my uncle that the only way they could try and save her life was to abort the baby. My uncle agreed saying he wanted to save his daughter. It was no use though because even after they took baby Anthony, her organs started failing and she went brain dead. My family decided to pull the plug 4 days later.

It is hard to explain with words how devastated I was, and still am, over this event. To be coming into my healing and my true path to be confronted with the issue I resolved for myself, but which still plagued my family was just overwhelming. It is easy to judge her for doing drugs but what must it have been like to be assaulted in such a way that your placenta rips? What emotions must she have felt to turn to drugs after being clean during her pregnancy? My poor family having to decide between her baby and her. SO. MUCH. PAIN.

At her wake, I asked my uncle if I could bury with her, something I wrote and he said yes. I placed my domestic abuse article in the casket as a gesture towards her eternal peace. I have written 2 remembrances of her and the lessons I learned from her death:

http://www.prince.org/msg/100/220882

http://prince.org/msg/100/264513

It is so easy for any of us to live in the pain and the sadness, especially when tragedy knocks on our door. Just when I thought I'd never have to go back to that dark past, I once again had to face it in order to make sense of my cousin's death. The unbelievable heartache her death has caused sometimes was too much. When I thought I couldn't cry anymore, there were more and more tears to be shed. I decided to take this tragedy and make it a part of my healing. Her death galvanized me on my path in ways that I couldn't imagine.

Instead of allowing her death to overwhelm and defeat the progress I have made in my life, I confronted it head on, like I did my own past. I decided that I would live in her honor and live a life dedicated to bringing healing to those in pain. It saddens me that I wasn't able to reach my cousin before it was too late. But I can reach someone else's cousin, someone else's brother, someone else's mom. In this way, her death will have purpose and meaning.

She has become part of the message I bring. I have claimed her in the darkest hour of her life and I say she is my clan, I say that I love her, I say I honor her. I washed away the dust and cleansed her with a loving touch and I respect the part she plays in leading me on my path. Before I explain the way that I did this, I must talk about the ways that forgiveness opened the door to my heart and my gifts.....
[Edited 9/10/09 18:28pm]

Forgiveness was the key to unlocking the door that kept me from knowing my true self and from living my true life. Fear, pain, anger….these are all forces that want nothing but their own appetite. The more you feed them, the more they want to live. They care nothing about your needs, only theirs.

Once I learned to let go of the things that were holding me back and holding me down, I was in the position of safety in which to explore the things I always knew were inside me but for various reasons did not acknowledge. For years I ran from my gifts, thinking it was just crazy, that it made no sense but time and time again I would say I should have listened!

With an open heart, I decided to listen. My gifts started proving themselves in major ways. Instead of regretting the fact that I should have listened to what my intuition was telling me, I was listening and living in a way I never imagined possible. One Monday I was at work and decided to leave on time. Who would have thought! I also decided to go straight home. Anyone in Southern California who knows the 405 at rush hour….

I decided these things based on the most compelling voice inside telling me I should do this. As strongly as I felt it, I knew that I must honor it. Miraculously I got home in 45 minutes! 4 exits from my home I felt the pull to go to the local bar. I thought it was ridiculous being a Monday and I would probably be one of 3 people there But I went anyway. I was 20 pages from finishing a book and I sat under the parking lot light and set to finish my book.

While I was reading a person parked next to me but did not leave their car. I look over and could see they were trying to check me out but I couldn't see them because the light was in my eyes. So I finish my book and I start walking to the bar and I get 5 cars past and I get the most NAGGING feeling that I have to go back and meet this person. For once it wasn't sexual! Honest, that wasn't driving me.

So I walked over and we made introductions and within a minute of conversation he asks if I'm gifted. Sensing something from him, I knew he had to be talking about my voice and I told him yes, I do have some gifts.

Well we decided to go for coffee and we sat and talked for 3 hours. We talked about our gifts and he ended up inviting me to see him speak at a metaphysical bookstore. Not really knowing what this bookstore or speech was going to be about I was thinkin that maybe I was going to a witches coven So I get there and it turns out that this night is a dry run for an event that they were going to be having later in the month.

This is how I came to Heart Centered Speakers. This group also changed my life.

.
[Edited 9/10/09 18:38pm]

At this meeting I meditated for the very first time. It wasn't that I didn't think it worked for other people but I always felt like I wouldn't know what to do and so I never tried it. But here it was, they were doing it, so I decided to try it out. There was this woman who did a presentation on Finding your Joy. She had us do the breathing and the countdown. During the breathing part of it she said that as we counted down that we were to envision going down step by step and that when we got to the bottom we would be in our perfect Garden.

Amazingly, my vision came to me instantly and clearly. In my vision, when I was still at the top of the stairs, if I turned from the stairs and looked back, I could see clearly the landscape before me. I was at the top of a hill and it was desolate. Nothing but just flat land and bare dirt. Pure desolation. The thing is though, that at the edge of the hill were tree tops and these trees filled this horseshoe shaped indent in the hill. I could tell it was a cove. But when I looked past the treetops to see the water, all I could see was sky.

So we did the countdown and I saw each stair, one by one and when I got to the bottom my grandmother and my great aunt were there. Needless to say, I was shocked and I immediately started sobbing Here I am doing meditation for the first time and 2 of my most prized teachers and people I love the most in my entire life were standing in my garden, and I realized they were tending to it until such time as I joined them. This garden was spectacular and at the end of the garden was the beach. And that beach is all the heaven that I've ever been to in my dreams.

I came away from that night with a very clear sense of what my path is and where it is leading me. And I now had a new tool to help me realize my truth. The very next month I did a presentation. It was on the power of forgiveness. Because of family issues, the fact that I didn't have a car, commuting 6 to 8 hours a day on the bus and train, I didn't had the kind of downtime or private quiet time to continue to meditate. I did it several times in small doses but nothing like the exercises I did in January 2008.

This music project unfolded on me in ways I never could have expected. One thing has become extremely clear to me through this project. Specifically as it pertains to the last song, I have been led to plead on my cousin Lisa's behalf to ask that my grandmother and my aunt be on the watch for her arrival at my garden.

In August 2008, I was on the bus, on the way home listening to the last song (The Sea) and I decided to meditate. The song started and I began meditating and seeing/being at my garden. So when I was listening to the song and meditating, I specifically went in search of my grandmother/aunt to tell them that my cousin will be making her way there and to watch for her and I experienced something I never have before. I really don't even know how to explain it with words but it was like mainlining emotion. It was like drinking feelings. It was a pure pure feeling, unlike anything I have ever felt.

I was seeing that garden and the loved ones that are tending to it and I had the sensation of tumbling forward and down but being caught and lifted up at the same time and I honestly feel that I set foot in that garden and that the presence of my grandmother/aunt came into me. It was like going three directions at once but never leaving a straight line. Another thing I realized is that this garden at the sea, is the same place I was at when the sea turned to fire……



Portal: The Garden that Grew From Hell http://prince.org/msg/8/283996
.
[Edited 9/11/09 15:52pm]

In January of this year, 2 things happened:

1 - Pulling the very first card from a deck.
2 - Santa Monica University - Spiritual Psychology

First The card:





As I said before, the FIRST THING this card made me think of was my cousin. The notion of helping a loved one heal old wounds just stuck a major chord in my heart, especially considering the absolutely darkness of the way she died. During the music project from 2008, I began the process of interceding, pleading, praying and loving her towards my garden. This card gave sparked a revolution in my thinking and my beliefs, mostly because of the way it was confirmed

In February of this year, I went to my public speaking group for the first time in a year. Being without the car prevented me from being able to attend as it is 70 miles from my job and I would never make it back home after the meetings. In January I was browsing through the bus book and discovered that the last bus from that area back to my home was at a quarter til midnight! YAY, I COULD MAKE IT AFTERALL!

At first I questioned whether or not I should stay with that group because sometimes the universe forces shit on your ass this hurts me more than it hurts you. It's for your own good…. But when that has happened to me, and I can't at first figure it out, it always shows why it happened and that it was for my good. I just figured maybe the universe was telling me this group wasn't the right thing for me.

But this absence gave me the space to explore the things I learned from those first two meetings on my own terms and at my own pace. Had I continued with the group from the very beginning, I might have been overwhelmed. So when I rejoined the group, I was sure of of my gifts and ready to dive in in a more meaningful and non threatening way.

So at the meeting we had a freestyle speaking where we would pull a card and tell how it spoke to us. So I turn my head and reach in. I find my cards and go up to the podium and turned them over. I was like this OH. MY. GOD. you guys! I have to tell you about the card I pulled last month! I explained the Two of Hearts and then showed them my cards:

First card: Mermaid
Second card: Whale

For me to pick a lone mermaid and the king of the sea mammals just confirmed that I was on the right track with everything that first mermaid/merman card gave birth to in my mind, heart and soul. In my music project that I did last year, specifically the point of the last two songs was to bring my cousin to my perfect garden. I already had pleaded on her behalf to my great aunt and grandmother who are there to watch for her, that she would be coming. I felt that the mermaid was a way of her telling me she's found her way there. At the second to the last meeting we had we did a meditation and I went to the garden and I saw my cousin as a mermaid. Like she transformed into this other creature but perfect and happy.

So the next time I went to my public speaking group it was a small gathering that time. I actually prefer the smaller gatherings as they tend to spawn more intimate and less structured exchanges. We started off by doing freestyle speaking. We were to choose one or two cards and tell what the connection was or what we received from it. I go first and I pick my card. I never look when I'm picking cards and I always let my feeling guide me. When I grabbed onto a group of cards, I saw in my mind's eye that my pinky was touching the card I was meant to pull.

I used my other hand to determine which card my pinky was touching and I pulled it out. I go up to the podium and was overwhelmed when I looked at the card. It was a merchild or a merbaby (not sure what they're called), cradling in an empty seashell. This was the first time I ever saw a merchild. It was a boy. My cousin's baby was 6 months in the womb when it died. My cousin's baby was a boy. Anthony Lee At the top of the card was the word "Rest" What is the most common phrase connected to death? Rest in peace....

At the end of the night we did a freestlye type reading session. Basically if any of us had a question or felt we needed guidance on something then we would ask our question and the rest of the group would use their intiution, mediumship or whatever other gift to answer and guide that person.

The first person to go was a girl who is new to the group and she said that she felt she was ready to cut the umbilical chord to her feelings of validation and safety to her job and that she wants to branch out and follow her heart but she isn't sure about leaving her job altogether or if she could marry the two. She works at a lawfirm.

One person asked her where her heart was and she said she wanted to work with non-profits. His wife jumped in and said something about she felt that February was going to be important to her. The husband then asked for clarification on something she said earlier and that was that her salary was cut. When did that happen? Early April The wife then started calculating in her head and they figured out that this would be the timeframe for a full gestation if someone was pregnant

So I felt the need to offer my thoughts and I told her that I loved her choice of the umbilical chord because when you sever the chord, you are separating yourself from your main lifeforce and becoming an individual life force of your own. That the existence with the chord is so different from the existence without it and that she needs to begin thinking and preparing herself for the new life she is being born into. Live that on the inside so it will manifest on the outside.

Then we moved on to me. I told the group that I had to come back to the merchild and the continual appearance of the mermaid. I had wanted to talk with the member who is the wife in the married couple that led our meeting. The last time I saw her I told her that I wanted to talk about my thoughts on the mermaid but that I didn't want to give her any specifics so as not to lead the witness so to speak. I wanted anything that came to her to be unbiased and not suggested in any way. Basically I wanted as pure a response as possible.

So I told her that I would tell her what my thoughts are on my beliefs as to the mermaid and my cousin and that she can just add anything if it comes to her. So I explained my music project and how my meditation showed me my cousin as a mermaid and my beliefs of her place in the garden and finding her peace and how the merbaby was confirmation because it was the other piece of her. A mermaid at peace, a merbaby at rest.

I told her how I haven't dreamed of her yet and that I was surprised by that. I explained how my great aunt and grandmother have both visited me from the other side and that I was expecting to see Lisa too. Her husband interjected and said to be aware of my dreams, and to recognize that sometimes dreams aren't going to be literal and that she could be coming to me in other ways than what I expect to see. I told him that was interesting because I did have dreams where all of a sudden I became overwhelmed with awareness expecting and feeling that my cousin was there with me but that when I looked she either was not there or it was someone else.

Then his wife said maybe I'm not ready yet. I thought about that for a few seconds and then told her that I did have some fears over dreaming of her in that I did not want to have a nightmare. I have come to terms with the fact that she's passed. However I am still very traumatized on how she passed. She said that I probably had to work all that out before being ready to receive her that way. And I realized just now that part of working out my fear of a bad dream has to do with my fears of the same thing happening to my sister, since that maniac (her kid's dad) is still in our lives.

The wife told me that she felt I should pick another card. I reached in and grabbed an animal card. On it was a lizard At the bottom was this caption:

Pay attention to your dreams and visions...







.
[Edited 9/11/09 17:16pm]

This is the second thing that happened in January. This story goes back years, even before I first wrote my article. 6 years ago I spoke with a co-worker about a professional issue. The conversation went something like this:

Me:

Can you help me with this? *shows document*

Jana:

Sure, you can contact so and so for the account information. So, when I was child I used to have these dreams.....


I mean, the conversation switched up that fast. One second I was getting an account number and the next she's telling me about her childhood! This was our first conversation as she was a relatively new manager.

Anyway she is telling me about her childhood experiences and all these things she was telling me were exactly the same things that happened with me, along the lines of special gifts and ESP and intuition and all that, and after she's done I tell her that it is so weird that she is telling me all this because all the things she was describing happened to me too! She says:

I know, that's why I brought it up



How did you know?

I knew it the first time I saw you



During this conversation she told me about how she went to Santa Monica University and graduated from their masters program in Spiritual Psychology. She told me how much it helped her and she recommended it to me.

Over the years I thought about that conversation and that school and kept this on the backburner. When I gave my first presentation in February of 08, one of the co-founders of that speaking group approached me after my presentation and she said that she felt that she needed to share some information with me about her schooling and she mentioned Santa Monica University. I told her that my co-worker told me about it 5 years before! So this is coming to me from two very different and unrelated sources. Can't ignore it any longer

So in January of this year, my friend from work sent me an email from the university advertising their informational event. I decided to take my first step towards my higher education

I arrived an hour and a half early so I spent the time listening to my favorite songs from my Garden that Grew From Hell Mix. Something to get me primed and in mode to receive. I Sign up, get my name tag and head in for a seat. I was surprised at how crowded it was. Lots of people with lots to offer, you could just feel that in the room.

The President and Chief Academic Officer, who are husband and wife, take the stage and the first thing they ask is if we could choose the perfect education, what would that be? A couple of guys raised their hands and gave their answers. I raised my hand and said:

I want my education to be more than just a grade. I want it to be full of meaning and purpose.

This sparked a wonderful discussion between the two But it is what I want from my education and why I am so happy that I didn't go to college straight out of high school because barely now am I even understanding my purpose and what I want to do with my life.

The couple explained the program, including the main philosophies:

• The Authentic Self
  
• We are not humans having a spiritual experience, but spirits having a human experience.

For the first time I had something to call, what the last 5 years of my life has been all about. The first 3 years I did everything on my own, just music and writing as my guide. I did everything on my intuition without outside influences, objects, books, video or even people. It wasn't until my speaking group that I had community and now this will be magnified with the goal of education.

One of the ways they explained the concept of the school was "the goal line". So imagine a straight line and at one end is a negative (-) and the other a plus (+). The goal line represents life, in that we are all searching, reaching and striving for the positive. But they explained that there is something even beyond this.

In the middle of the goal line, they drew a line going straight up. That is where you find the authentic self. No amount of action on the goal line towards to positive will make the difference with your true self. That comes from a higher awakening, and with that comes our purpose.

I was so BLOWN AWAY by the description of the program. As if the philosophy weren't enough, there were the school projects. Year 1 is the dream project. This is where you pursue one of your dreams and make it a reality. This could be writing a book, starting a non-profit, beginning a business. The dream projects take on many forms but each student is assigned a team, so I would have my own team and I would be a part of someone else's team. These teams are for support and facilitating the realization of the dream itself. Say I wanted to write a book, my team might put me in contact with a publisher, find an editor for me to work with, etc....

When I heard the project for year two, I pretty much went like this That project involves the use of the techniques, tools and methods you've learned in year one and up to the point of year 2, and apply them to the most challenging personal relationship in your life and transform that relationship into healing. JUST WOW!

After the couple explained the philosophy and process of applying, four people came up on stage. These were graduates who were there to give their testimony of how the program changed their life. One of the speakers was named Dayna and she talked about her dream project which was to write a book and get it published. This was always something she wished she could do but never dared to think it could ever happen. As an aspiring writer, I was very inspired by her speech.

After the testimonies, the event wrapped up for mingling and refreshments. I went to the couple, Drs Ronald and Mary Hulnick, and thanked them for making this their life purpose. I explained the past 5 years and coming into my healing and was in tears because I couldn't believe that this place was even possible. I was met by them with so much love.

I then walked around and met a few people, some of whom were current students and some of whom were graduates. I spoke to a girl who was in her second year and she asked me why I was interested in attending USM and I explained the last 5 years and coming into my healing, particularly my experience with forgiveness and what it taught me:

OH. MY. GOD! You sound like you're in the second year of this program! That is what this school is all about. I can't believe you got there on your own, most of us need help!

I told her that even though I was making incredible personal strides that I still wanted the community and the structure and the academic experience because if I'm already touching on some of those concepts, that I can't wait to live them! This isn't just strict curriculum, it's experiential.

You live the methods, tools and techniques towards your own healing. How can you heal someone else if you yourself aren't healed? I met and talked with 2 graduates and with them, I was practically crying the whole time. I came away from this school with the most amazing sense of fulfillment. Just one night and I was moved just realizing that I am on the right path.

It was the concept of the authentic self, that drove me to my next goal before doing what I had to do with my grandmother. That goal, was the yearly speaking event for my public speaking group.
[Edited 9/16/09 16:26pm]

Last year I joined my speaking Group, Heart Centered Speakers, in January of 2008. As I explained, my intuition led me there. I missed their annual speaking event by two weeks. This year I did the event and was one of 7 featured speakers! I cannot sufficiently explain how important this was for me. Public speaking, believe it or not, isn't something I've ever been comfortable with. I love joking around but when it comes to serious talk, my gift is one on one and or small intimate settings with people that I know. Never groups of strangers.

This is the flyer:





I intended to speak in the morning but was shifted to the second to last speaker. At first I expected I was going to attend only half a day but this kept me connected to the event and the group fully, which I totally appreciate. The speakers were coming from many perspectives, each speaking their truth.

The first speaker, Joanie, spoke of how cleaning up her financial life became an exercise towards her spiritual path. She spoke of approaching money as a tool to further our personal/spiritual lives.

The second speaker, Jon, spoke if iridology which is the study of the eye's Iris. He spoke of this study with animals and how tending to our pets health and well being can be part of living a spiritual connection.

The third speaker, Michael, channeled his guides and spoke of angels guiding and watching over our lives.

The fourth speaker, Phillip, spoke of living from the heart.

The fifth speaker, David, spoke of the application of fung shwei.

The six speaker, myself, spoke of the power of forgiveness.

The seventh speaker, Melinda, spoke of chakras, their purpose and how they influence our beings.

Each of the speakers were coming from such different places but each speaking heartfully of the truth's that they have discovered. I admit that I was very nervous coming into this event. It was my first "official" gig and something that I saw as my next step on my path. I was nervous doing this and I was kind of in and out of my peaceful place. I was so focused on staying on message, staying within the timefram and I introduced a new element to my speech and that was music.

I spoke of my history and of writing the article of my past relationship and how that led me to forgiveness and that I discovered that forgiveness is the key to personal freedom. Forgiveness led to my resurrection, to my personal revolution and is the thing that brought me new life: my rebirth. I spoke of my cousin's death and how I discovered that I was to intercede on her behalf to bring her to my perfect garden. I played a segment of N'Dea Davenport's "Placement for the Baby", which was on my music project last year, and a segment of Erykah Badu's "Bag Lady". In that song, Erykah uses the Bag Lady to illustrate how holding onto baggage only holds us down. I ended my message by encouraging my audience to pack light.

My music project, "Portal: The Garden that Grew From Hell"

http://prince.org/msg/8/283996

This was SO IMPORTANT FOR ME. This was the second goal, towards the experience with my grandmother that I have detailed here:

http://prince.org/msg/100/314304


,
[Edited 9/16/09 17:42pm]

The concepts introduced to me at Santa Monica University's informational event in January gave me a solid direction for the next thing I would do, and that was to come out to my grandmother. Achieving my goal of speaking at the annual event for Heart Centered Speakers gave me something concrete to bring to the table when I did. I knew I wasn't being authentic by hiding from her and I approached that conversation from the place of being spirits having a human experience.

I could never have imagined that in three short months she would be gone but for the rest of my LIFE coming out to her will be one of the most profound things that I have ever done. Everything that came from it is another part of the foundation of my new life. In this last time of her life, I was living authentically and no longer hiding. That authenticity brought us into an honest, open and loving place and I ministered to my grandmother's spirit at the time in her life when she would need it the most.

The practice I had with Heart Centered Speakers, gave me the confidence and the ability to speak at her wake and her funeral, something I would never have done before. At the wake, part of sharing the lesson I learned through the last 3 months of my grandmother's life involved me coming out to my entire family. It was the first time some of them heard me speak it. This part of my life will never be hidden from anyone ever again.

This openness in my heart has led to discussions with my family that I have been wanting to have for the longest time. These discussions are leading to some healing. I discussed for the first time, my cousin's death with her sister, my other cousin, Sonya. I explained how I have been approaching her sister's death and how much it hurt me and how much it galvanized my path and that I am not letting her die a death in vain, that I am pulling her close and making her part of the healing I bring to others.

Lammastide said the following in orgnotes:



What good is philosophy if you don't live it?! Things I read, music, art, thoughtful words…. all these things play in my mind constantly and philosophy, to me, is something that is more than something you discuss. It's something that's meant to be lived.

.
[Edited 9/17/09 13:01pm]

In July, shortly before my grandmother passed, someone gave me my very first tarot deck. I have resisted using objects with my gifts. So far I haven't needed any objects or outside influences to connect with them. But this deck captured my imagination. The thing I loved immediately about the deck was that it wasn't threatening. The images were very simple and easy, as a beginner, for me to digest. I always imagined the tarot having connection to religion but having worked with them the past couple of months, I see they are faith neutral.

The very first card that was pulled for me, 10 years ago, was the 10 of swords. This was the first card I picked from my first deck and the second card I pulled from my second deck. The first card I pulled from my second deck, was the last card I pulled from my first, which was the Strength card.

I have thought about that 10 of swords for all these years. I have only had my tarot read the one time and going into it I told him I would reject a negative reading so when he flipped over the 10 of swords and I see a man laying on the ground, in blood with 10 swords sticking out of his back, you know I wanted to run for the hills! He pulled the Queen of Cups as the second card which determined fully that the 10 wasn't negative.

I now understand what this card is for me and what it means. It is Shiva: God of Destruction. Shiva is highly regarded in the Hindu faith. The process of destruction, as I've applied it to myself in this last 5 years, has been about dismantling and undoing the walls that kept me prisoner. It's been about pulverizing and slaying my demons. It's been about crushing the forces of darkness so that they can be swept away and cleared for the building of something new. This is Shiva in action.

Think of it this way. Volcanos are a destructive force. The process of destruction took place under the ocean for ages and ages, over and over, building on itself as an underwater mountain. Eventually this destructive tower rose to meet the ocean surface. The continued destruction created the Hawaiian Islands. From this destruction grew a beautiful paradise. This, is Shiva.

Last month, Moonsongs sent me a package! When I opened it, the smell that came from it just knocked me off my feet. So delicious. In a thread I saw her mention Atlas Shrugged and I commented that I had heard so many people rave about that book and she asked for my address because she wanted me to have that book. This is how she described it: You will read this book and then read it again to see what the hell you just read! I'm currently 250 pages in and I saw early on the set up for the competing social and economic visions and understand how this book would be seen as revolutionary, published before women's lib. And by a Russian immigrant no less. Can't wait to find out how this ends

Moonsongs also sent me a CD of David Syvlian and another item that I first thought was a book of poetry. I picked up that book, which was wrapped in thin purple crepe paper. When I opened it fully I went like this and this She has given me my second deck, The Tarot of the cat people. OH. MY. GOD. This deck was created by a woman named Karen Kuykendall. Over the course of nearly 3 years, she painted each and every single card. Not only are these cards amazingly beautiful but they are a labor of love.

When I held this deck I was mesmerized. I pulled the deck out and noticed that one card was still in the box. I thought Ooh! This is going to be my special card It was the Devil card My old self would have read a lot into that but what I realized is that this deck presented itself to me without malice.

So I picked one up to look at the back:



I then flipped it over to look at the front and then it hit me, I should be pulling these cards with intention. So I held the deck and focused. The first card I pulled with intention from this deck was the strength card, which is the last card I pulled for myself from my first deck:



The second card I pulled, the 10 of Swords (Shiva):




OK, first of all, I have a special connection with Cats. I've always been a cat person, I just love cats. Last year I had a very sad, but extremely interesting experience with a cat:

http://prince.org/msg/100/287836

My power animals are cats, one is a male lion which is charcoal in color and the second is a creature from another world! I have been exploring this deck and it is so special. My connections are expressed fully with this deck.

This brings me to the most recent part of my path and that was attending Santa Monica University's informational event for the second time.
[Edited 9/17/09 13:01pm]

On September 2nd, I came back to my school armed with new experiences and new tools. Even though I didn't come with the intention of applying, I did come back to reaffirm my commitment to this program and to keep my focus and the momentum going. I had to come back to this last event of the year because I wanted desperately to tell the people I met before just what an impact that first event had on me and how I used it in my life.

I sat in the same place I did the first time, right underneath the window in the ceiling. This window is an eye. What an amazing design for such a room. Symbolizing the eye of the universe. One thing jumped out at me the first time and this was true the second time. There were a lot of straight men there. I had a conversation with another guy, who was also gay, and he said he thought this would be just a gay guy/girl thing. I told him I thought the same but this is one of the amazing things about the program, men getting in touch with themselves and their hearts

So they come to the video presentation and it is one of the women I saw from the first event, however that first time she was there in person. She's the one I spoke of earlier who's dream project was to write a book. Her video presentation moved me so much. Her in person presentation was powerful, as an aspiring writer I was very inspired by her taking on a book as her project. I have a book in me as well, which one day I will get published. So her video presentation went into more detail and she described her past and it was abusive.

To hear her talk about the mess her life was coming into the program and how she had little self esteem, believed all kinds of falsehoods about herself, did not believe that she deserved better and how this program gave herself back to her and healed her pain. It was just remarkable and it made me cry. This is what I want for my life. I need this community and I need the structured learning, moreover I need to experience even in a fuller way, the life I've been living. To live that as education and to live it with likeminded people who are in search of themselves will be a dream come true for me.

The same as last time, Ron and Mary Hulnick described the program but this description was even better than the first time. This program, while established since 1976, is a work in progress in that if they find a better way to educate and approach the dynamics of the program, they will. This was proven in this event because it was even clearer, not that I didn't understand it before but it was fleshed out even more, bringing out other levels to the goal line and the upward line representing the authentic self.

Mary Hulnick talked about this year's dream project and explained one of them to the group. A woman, mother of four children, wanted to create something for her children that represented her love for them. She painted a tree for each of her kids and on each of the limbs put something that represented the uniqueness of that child and things that she loved about them. Each tree was different and these trees hang outside the children's room so it's the first thing they see in the morning and the last thing they see at night before going to bed The dream projects are as different as the people who attend the program. I have about a million dream projects in my head

Next came the speakers. One woman spoke about starting her own business as a life coach. A man spoke about how the program helped him in his career of becoming the Dean of the school he taught at as a professor and also how it helped him become a better father. Another man talked about how it helped him to achieve sobriety, lose 40 pounds and heal his life and change his career path. He was the one I connected to the most. It didn't hurt that he was unbelievably and astoundingly beautiful But I was genuinely attracted to his testimony as well!

After the speakers spoke, the event was wrapped up and the night concluded with mingling and refreshments. I approached Mary Hulnick and started crying even before I could begin telling her THANK YOU for dedicating her life to this program. I gave an outline of my life in the last 5 years and explained to her how the concepts I learned in the January event prepared me for that next step with my grandmother.

I then mingled around and met the night's speakers. I approached the man who spoke about becoming a Dean and becoming a better father and I said thank you for telling your story. So many of us have so much pain connected to our fathers and it's refreshing to hear a father's perspective of his own healing especially if it's helped his relationship with his family. I then talked to the man who became sober because of the program and he explained how he came to the school.

He had heard about it and was looking for a change in his life but he was firmly established in his patterns and habits and was going to give the program 3 months max before moving onto the next thing. He said he attended the event and went wow! There are some hot chicks here. I'm totally going to get laid! and then he said that the first class just floored him and instead of moving on in 3 months, he had become so committed to his healing and the rest just came naturally. He no longer had the pain that caused him to turn to drugs and alcohol. I told him about the experience with my grandma, and cried and he encouraged me and hugged me. Again, it is so amazing to be in an environment where straight men aren't a threat. Not only that they aren't a threat but that they are connecting with the best part of their humanity.

I hoped to see some of the same people that I saw the first time and I did see one man in particular who I hoped would be there. I explained the impact of that first event and how it prepared me for that experience for my grandmother and he was just as encouraging to me as the first time. Everyone I met was just amazing from the staff, to the graduates, to students, to those interested in attending.

Before I went into the event, I picked a card from my Cat Deck:

The High Priestess - Major Arcana II:

The High Priestess wears a headdress symbolic of a meteor shower - sparks of light illuminating the darkness. Her guardian Watchcats, posted at the Gates of Knowledge, have eyes glowing with secrets.



After the event I picked another card:

The Ace of Swords

The figure on the ace of swords is ready to take initiative. He is strong, observant, determined and efficient without being overbearing or brutal. He stands atop a hill, vigilant, on guard, looking out for opportunity. He wears a spotted cat skin to symbolize the union of the feline's powers with his own, of its spirit with his spirit. His companion cat died a natural death and the man wears its fur with honor and love; he had earned the cat's trust and proved himself worthy of its companionship.




I've been using the tarot as a sort of compass. North, south, east, west. In, out, top, bottom. 4 points, not focusing on the traditional layouts and traditional role of each card depending on the position. I've been approaching them thematically. This is how I'm gaining my comfort level and how I'm becoming familiar with them. I decided to choose 4 cards to represent the night. In order:

Rejuvenation - Major Arcana XX

A woman leaps fully grown from a pod like form; she reaches skyward in a gesture of great joy at being alive and having the opportunity to rise successfully to great achievements. The cat's face and body position express exaltation and joy. It is currently in its ninth life and looking forward to a tenth. Each of the cat heads, which represent the cat's past eight lives, has a different expression, symbolic of some mood or event in the past.




The Queen of Wands

The Queen of wands is able to adapt to all kinds of situations and people, to think on her feet with finesse and tact. She extends her wand in a gesture of welcome




The Page of Cups

The page sits at peace in the warm fresh air, remote from the problems and bustle of daily life. Her companion cat shares the joys of the day with her. The sun's heat is not intense but is instead just pleasantly warm. The cat sits in a bunched-up position, as cats do in warm, but not hot weather.




Ace of Wands

As only a woman can give birth, a female figure uses her wand to greet a firecat, which is born of the fires of creation. It comes forth fully grown, ready and enterprising. Anyone lucky enough to encounter a firecat will live happily ever after.




These cards are so amazingly perfect to sum up the night, and what this school represents for me. Jubilation, knowledge, contentment, creation.

.
[Edited 9/17/09 17:59pm]

placeholder.....

Congrats on your anniversary....glad your out of that mess....I have two angel card decks, a faerie deck and robin wood tarot.

peacenlovealways said:

Do you mean Robin Hood?!

And thank you baby for your thoughts

I put the placeholders because I am too tired to finish the whole thing tonight but I had to post it on my anniversary! I'm a chick like that

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

You Welcome

and no It's called Robin Wood- Take a quick look at the link below.

http://images.search.yaho...=yfp-t-832

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I was wondering why "placeholders" was there, but I didn't pay it much attention.

peacenlovealways said:

Now you know I wasn't thinkin of no damn tarot! Those are cool!

I've been meditating for awhile...I used to do it more, but now since my life is in a rut...I'm picking it up again. My first angel cards I bought was pretty accurate...I remember the first time I used it...I shuffled a second time and the same cards popped up.

When my wicked headcold - sore throat & sore ears ease - i'll be back to read this

This is going to be a long thread

And i will come back and read it when it is finished and i have the time to give it the justice it deserves.

Im sorry you had to suffer in the past Supa, but it has made you the man you are today.

Thank you for letting us share your journey

Mach said:

Get well soon

prb said:

I have more stuff to put in the placeholders

thank you prb and I'm glad to see you here!

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

YW ...Glad to be here

thats what i thought the placeholders posts were for

As i said, im going to wait to read it all, in one go....Major coffee time!!!

Richard you are a brave soul and a truly wonderful person.
Hard times have made you so much stronger and have given you an eternally gentle soul.
Love you babe

amorbella said:

It doesn't show online does it? I am so honored to have a friend like you. You see through the mess to who I really am

prb said:

a couple more pieces. Almost done

Mach said:

I'll note you when it is fully installed

My tarot thread no longer accepts replies so I will post this here.

(original thread) http://prince.org/msg/100/313658

My public speaking group has opened a new group in LA. We had our first meeting and in that meeting I spoke of being new to the tarot and that I'm exploring them but that they have come very natural to me and that I have an obvious gift with them.

The next day, the leader of our LA group sent me an email saying she'd like a reading from me when I felt inclined. Now Mach, remember when I asked about the etiquette of pulling a card for someone without asking them first? I pulled a card for her before your input and because I felt led to. I then sent her the details. I had puleld the Empress The Empress on the only deck I had at the time shows her with foliage for arms and hands. This is what I wrote to her:





So we've had our 2nd meeting and I brought a new deck with me, a gift from Moonsongs. I shuffled the deck, and pulled a card for myself. Which was the King of Cups. I then handed our leader the deck, the one I pulled the Empress for, and she shuffled the deck and picked her card:

THE. EMPRESS.

What are the odds? Seriously? This is confirmation plain and simple!

.
[Edited 9/15/09 11:13am]

Opening up to my grandma has opened up lines of communication with my immediate family. Tomorrow we are having a family meeting in order to come together and address the biggest issues in our home. This is really huge and wouldn't be possible without my opening up to them the way I have. Wish us luck.