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A Beautiful World I'm Trying to Find: I Stay Woke It's another year since my cousin Lisa and Baby Anthony died. I wanted to take the time to share the most meaningful moments from 2007, all connected to my gift in one way or another. They are what truly got me through last year. It sure started out with a bang!!!!
On the January, 26th 2007 I went in search of a hard-drive. After finding it, I thought I'd buy a CD or 2. Couldn't find any of the newest releases I wanted, so I went searching for old stuff that I had either lost or that had seen better days. Everything I thought of buying, I couldn't find. Finally I gave up my search. As I was walking down the aisle to purchase my harddrive, I spotted an album by one of my favorite bands that came out 13 years prior and I had never bought it ![]() So I sat there and had a dialogue in my head (yes I had to to have an inner debate about it ![]() Considering god is all knowing, it really makes so much sense that Judas was meant to play the role he did. It couldn't have been any other way. Matter of fact, his betrayal was the catalyst that resulted in the death of Christ and without the death of Christ there could have been no resurrection. Without the resurrection, there could be no redemption. So really, you could even say it was an act of love. Who knows what kind of conversation they had prior to the crucifiction. Who is to say that Jesus didn't work to convince Judas that he had to betray him in order to bring about the events that unfolded? So I picked up the album and I got to the end of the aisle and I hear this lady come up right behind me saying Put it Back! I stand there for a second....What?!???? ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Later that night, I listened to the Album. So I'm listening and reading the liner notes at the same time and I am floored on so many levels ![]() somebody comes up to you in a bar and asks if you are who they think you are, and then you say if you know then i am and if you don't then i'm not. special thanks to everyone for their continued support and a fuck you to those who will never understand love, peace, empathy, desire, mischief, and gladness 2007 I started bawling right there because it was just so much confirmation. Confirmation about listening to that inner voice and about the path of my life. When I was holding that CD in Best Buy the day before, the main thing that screamed inside my head when I was asking myself why I never picked it up, was the fact that my sign is in the title. I am everything I am because of the time I chose to enter this world. Now back in 1994, the year 2007 would have been completely irrelevant. Last year IT. WAS. NOT! I have no idea why he would have signed off the liner notes with 2007 in 1994 but it just floored me to think that something as ridiculous as never picking up something like this from one of my favorite bands would turn into something beyond amazing. I kept the ending of the liner notes as my signature for a year. It was just so perfect I couldn't change it. Because of that experience, I thought that the year was going to be a cinch. Easy as pie. It was not. The year was all over the place for me. I went from having that kind of amazing experience to feeling totally lost and disconnected from my gift to the point of complete doubt. The year vasciallated from amazing experiences to doubt to experience to anger to experience to pain. During the height of my doubt I actually woke up one night praying in my spirit language. I was speaking it in my sleep! ![]() ![]() . [Edited 4/3/08 18:26pm] [Edited 6/24/08 17:45pm] [Edited 7/13/08 0:25am] 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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In April we had a little invasion in Vegas. I met up with Luv4U, Purplekisses, Finesse, Natisse and Butterfli25. The time was fantastic, the company spectacular!!!! ![]() ![]() Well after the invasion, at the advise of a friend I decided to take a risk on love. I told this man how I felt and he didn't feel the same. I had kind of prepared myself for a rejection, but I took it much harder than even I thought I would. Not because of his reaction, it was wonderful. But because it was just more time I'd have to wait for "Mr. Right" and considering my history I have waited long enough!!!! ![]() So I won't share the full details of this little revelation I made. It was about 25 pages and I had to send it in 4 different notes because there was too much text ![]() ![]() ![]() So I had told my friend that I loved him and he didn't feel the same. But we agreed that we would continue our friendship so I still had him in my life in a meaningful way. Well in the letter that I wrote to him, I had to go back to explain my last relationship and why I was still living out my disfunction. I needed to let him know who I am and how I came to be at the place I stand. I cited 3 primary forces that shaped my life:
Those were 3 of the primary forces in the letter I wrote professing my feelings. I sent the initial letter on Thursday and he replied on Friday. Like I said, I prepared myself for the outcome but I really did take it much harder than I thought I would. I cried all day and then all weekend. Well Friday night I went out after work. It had been a rough ass week on many levels and I needed to finish this week with a relaxer! ![]() So I'm out at the bar and I'm standing there and I noticed this guy who kept looking away whenever I would look over in his direction and it was obvious he was checking me out and he was definitely not my type but I'm not a bitch about stuff like that and so the next time I caught him looking, I just waved and said hello. He was like Oh! Um, hello! ![]() So we were standing there with small chit chat. He said thank god it was Friday and I told him he had no idea! I told him I had just come from Vegas the weekend before into a hellacious work week and that I was just ready to get my weekend started. So we are talking and he asks where I work Sony Pictures ![]() Sony?! Do you know a girl named Claudia Huertas? Nope. Doesn't sound familiar She is one of my friends and she works there ![]() Do you know which department? Not really. Well in the whole night I was there I could probably identify 3 or 4 songs that I knew. It was really kind of a weird night, musically speaking. The DJ was playing all this hardcore heavy metal and just weird shit that 1-I didn't know and 2-wasn't really that good ![]() This part of my letter: So I came home to my barren apartment and I got stoned and then I played Siamese Dream and I just could not believe what I was hearing. 3:00 minutes into cherub rock is the first guitar solo on the album and I just began sobbing. That solo sounds pained, fearful, elated, limitless, free, as if asking a question and giving an answer all at the same time.
was about the song is Cherub Rock ![]() The DJ played that exact song and that is the reason in an instant I wanted to cry. It is amazing that I have been able to identify specifically, down to one song and more importantly down to one piece of music (that guitar solo), something that signifies my road to healing. And here I have just shared that in my letter and out of the clear blue it is playing in the middle of a buch of stuff you'd never associate that song with. And I know people will just say it is coincidence but I know it is not. NOT. AT. ALL. I asked Mach if there is such a thing as musical spirits because this happens to me so much it can't be coincidence. One time I was out at dinner with a new friend I had made and I was telling him about the org and how much it has affected my life in such good ways and I brought up Gangstafam to talk about his goodness and how much he has helped me. Now during this whole night, the music that was playing on the Muzak station was really more or less classical stuff and typical kinds of songs you'd probably hear in an Italian restaurant. Basically classical and opera. And no sooner did I start speaking about Nathan did Tricky's "Overcome" came on ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() OK, back to the bar..... ![]() Then I began telling him about the Libra connection. I was supposed to be an Aries ![]() ![]() I am: the last sign: ![]() I am the first sign: ![]() I am the middle sign, balanced as expressed by Libras scales: ![]() That really explains so much about me. I am pulled towards both ends of the spectrum to insanity and the only reason I have any footing on planet earth is because of my rising sign ![]() ![]() ![]() OK, so I explained that to him and then I started telling him about that "thing" I felt with my friend and how I felt it from the beginning and about how it wasn't until now that I have known how to explain it as I have been learning the importance of Libra to myself and by this time he is grinning like the Cheshire cat and I realize and I ask.....Are you a Libra ![]() ![]() ![]() So we get back to the small chit chat and he asks me how Veags was. I tell him how we had gone to see Prince! ![]() Prince?! Yeah, I belong to a Prince fansite and I met a bunch of friends from there in Vegas and we saw Prince! ![]() Are you sure you don't know Claudia Huertas? No, why? Her old roommate Chris also belongs to a Prince site. One of my best friends in the group is named Chris! ![]() Did he live in West Hollywood before with a roommate? He lived in West Hollywood before but I can't remember if he had a roommate or not She used to go to these parties her roommate's group used to throw ![]() ![]() ![]() Is he an editor? YES! ![]() Did he work with another Chris? ![]() ![]() ![]() So the next day I tried calling Madartista, who is the Chris this has to be. So I left him a message. Later on I checked my messages and this is what it said: Richard hey it's Chris i'm in San Francisco at the GLAAD media awards, just got your message. Um, absolutely yes Claudia is one of my very bestest friends that I've known since I first moved to LA in 2000. When I moved back a second time I stayed with her for a few months. I actually know all of her family really well. ![]() So 3 very important and primary forces in the letter I wrote are all being played out the very next night in a bar with a complete stranger. This is direct confirmation that I am on the right track ![]() ![]() ![]() Well my mom and my sister were really really sick and couldn't be there at the hospital and it turned out that I was going to be the only one to be there with her. About 2 years prior I had filmed the birth of my nephew from my youngest sister and it was an absolutely stunning and wonderful experience. Back when this sister had her kids, we were younger and I was involved in a lot of my dramas, including this abusive relationship. Now that I was older and after I filmed the birth of my nephew, I really had a whole new level of respect for my sister Natalie as she had done this three times and in many ways I felt sad that I wouldn't be able to experience that with her so when she was pregnant with my first niece I was blessed with something I didn't think would happen and that I got to be there with both my sisters as they brought new life into this world ![]() So we get there around 11:30 and we sign her in. This is when we first arrived: ![]() By 11:45 we got situated in her room: ![]() Well they finish with the interview and her contractions are getting stronger. By 5:00 am she is dialated to a 6 and the anasthesiologist came to give her an epidural. That is some pretty radical shit. I have never seen one before. It's pretty scary looking. Needles and strings and ick! But I guess it really helps with the pain so there ya go ![]() Around 8:00 the nurse starts getting her in different positions to see if they can get the baby to start dropping. My sister felt that she needed to be propped up in order to push right. They tried this position and that position and nothing seemed to be working for my sister. The nurse did something totally counterintuitive to what my sister was explaining and how she felt. She layed her almost straight down. OK Natalie, we are going to try a new position. Try pushing as if you are really constipated Like I'm having a bowel movement? Exactly. ![]() She pushed like the nurse told her to and she started crowning ![]() ![]() Well it struck me just this morning, I haven't got a single thing to do. And you know that got me thinking, Even though I never think it through. A little bit, a little bit more for you So come and get a little bit baby, Another hit is coming back down for you so come and get a little bit, give me some Gimme some new religion, Something that I can feel. Gimme some new tomorrow, Bring it on and make it real. Drowning in sweet forgiveness, Come on baby to my life, yeah. Well the times they are a changin', So ring the bell and let the people know. And I need new direction, To guide me to the place I need to go. A little bit, a little bit more for you So come and get a little bit baby, Another hit is coming back down for you so come and get a little bit, give me some Gimme some new religion, Something that I can feel. Gimme some new tomorrow, Bring it on and make it real. Drowning in sweet forgiveness, Come on baby to my life, yeah. Maybe I'll go tomorrow, Maybe I'll leave today. The easiest path to follow, Going out on my way. Honey yeah, please forgive me, Everything will be okay-ay oh! Gimme some new religion, Something that I can feel. Gimme some new tomorrow, Bring it on and make it real. Drowning in sweet forgiveness, Come on baby, to my life Yeah Yeah yay..... I really felt connected to the song from the fact that I felt like I was finding my faith and finding my true God and it wasn't until my niece was well on her way that I went ![]() ![]() My niece was 3 weeks early and I nearly missed her by 12 hours. Had the water broke the next morning I would have been off to Miami and would have missed her introduction into our world! Now I know people are going to think this is crazy but the honest truth is, I think I caused her to be born early! There are certain things that happen that are just too perfect to be described otherwise! Chances are that the lyric would have been revealed outside of the experience but it's as if she knew the need and responded to it. I honestly do feel that my gift caused her birth, as strange as that may sound. How perfect for that lyric that was tripping me up to be revealed to me in such a bold and meaningful way ![]() ![]() ![]() Gimme some new religion, Something that I can feel. Gimme some new tomorrow, Bring it on and make it real. Drowning in sweet forgiveness, Come on baby, to my life This event was just connected to my finding my New Religion. She was something I could feel. This was the first birth in our family since my cousin and baby Anthony died and so it was just so important to me and what better way to symbolize new tomorrows then by birth? The baby being born from water in innocence to the lyric "Drowning in sweet forgiveness" can hardly be ignored. OMG OMG OMFG!!!!! I saw Alice Smith on Saturday the 15th! ![]() ![]() ![]() 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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In July I went to visit Applekisses and Gangstafam ![]() ![]() Yeah, on 7/7/07! ![]() Being that I have never been to Minnie before I begged my way onto that roadtrip ![]() ![]() ![]() Well, the first night there we found out that Prince was going to have an aftershow at First Ave. ![]() ![]() ![]() Well Gangstafam and a hot waiter decided they were going to run over to Macy's to tell them of the situation. They came back with some news. Gangsta: Ok, we went to Macy's and we have 2 surprises. The first Surprise is that they are going to delay the concert by one hour to give as many people in this line to get their tickets for the aftershow and a chance to get over to Macy's for the performance. That's the first surprise. The second is for Richard. Here is your ticket for Macy's and here is your ticket for the Target Center. Me----- ![]() ![]() OMG! OK, as we were coming out of Macy's there was this guys standing out in front of the door and he asked if we knew anybody who needed Prince tickets. We told him that our friend from California came out last minute and that he didn't have tickets and how much was he asking for them and he told us we could have them for free and that he couldn't use them but wanted them to go to a real fan and not a scalper! ![]() So I got tickets to all three shows!!! ![]() ![]() ![]() 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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The Brand New Heavies are one of my all time favorite bands. I discovered them in 1990 when my friend Blake asked if I knew who they were. I told him no and he handed me a tape and said he thought I would dig them. He never got the tape back ![]() Back in 2006, I was listening to the local independent radio station and I. HEARD. THAT. VOICE! I literally sat riveted wondering if it really could be true. I knew that voice but it was just beyond hope that it could be true. The last time I heard that voice was 10 years prior, back in 1997 when N'Dea Davenport (the lead singer of BNH) released a solo album. It had been 10 years of silence though. She did nothing else after that. Now, the band had continued on with several different leads but none of them could dare compare to N'Dea. So I sat there listening to this song, just knowing it had to be her and after the song was over, the radio host said it was a brand new track from the Brand New Heavies and that she had rejoined the band ![]() ![]() ![]() OMG! ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() They released this album last year: ![]() It's definitely a strong album, and one that really has grown on me, but there isn't really one of those signature N'Dea songs like "Dream Come True", "Stay This Way", "Never Stop", "Forever", "Keep Together" or "Daybreak". I thought that maybe something had happened to her voice, that maybe she had some vocal damage or surgery or something. I wasn't really sure because her absence from the music scene all these years left me pondering all the possibilities. And I'm not saying she doesn't sing on this album because she does. And she sounds great but there wasn't that super punch that she is known to give. Listen to any of those songs I just cited and you will understand what I'm saying. It still is a great album by all measures. But for me her VOICE is the thing that hooked me to this band and like a crack addict, I cannot get enough of it and just wanted all I could get after them being apart for so long. I will say though, that this album is exciting in that they didn't stick with the blueprint of their previous music. They really branched out with some different sounds for them and I love that about this album. The most familiar of the songs is "Let's Do It Again" and "All Fired Up". Those are so them, and "I don't Know Why I Love You" being the most shining example of her throwing down vocally. But I seriously wanted all tracks to be blowfests. Call me greedy if you must ![]() So we get there early enough to snag a spot at the front of the stage. I can't tell you the nervous excitement I felt. I just couldn't believe this was really happening. ![]() The band was dressed to the 9s and Miss Davenport had a black glittery dress on. Looking fine as ever ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() So during the show I had a realization. I realized that their albums (and her solo) were released at very distinct and pivotal parts of my life. Their first album, self titled, only featured her on 4 tracks. The rest were instrumentals. But those songs are SO AMAZING that it was irrelevant that she sang on less than half the album. Those songs were just so stellar that they made me an instant fan and connected to this band: ![]() She is not even featured on the album covered but damn is there a gem inside. An absolute pearl. ![]() "Dream Come True" "Never Stop" "Stay This Way" There is just a joy that shines through in this early stuff ![]() That album came out when I was 20 and still believed in the hope and utopianism of Love. This was back before I entered the absolute nightmare that was my relationship with my ex Paul. I look back on the idealism of those days and it makes me want to weep. Aging has a way of corrupting your dreams and when I look at the dark places that I went in the years after the first album came out, I cannot do anything but respect the innocence of my spirit at this time. Those songs are just about the purity of Love, believin in it and reveling in the thunder and flowers it brings. It was what I believed at the time and why I connected so hard to her music. The state of my life, my mind and my spirit was in shambles at the time their second album found its way into my hands. I didn't come to purchase it until after I had split from my ex. I lost so much of my music collection when I was with him. One time he tried baiting me into a reaction as an excuse to fight with me and he took my CDs and snapped them into a pile on the floor one by one. I acted as if it didn't bother me in the slightest even though inside I was screaming in anguish. Music has always been the thing that has gotten me through all my dark times. As a kid I was tortured and thus spent most of my time alone. It was really the only way for me to be safe from the world. Music has always been my salvation. So after I had left him I had moved back into the apartment we had shared, by myself, and I was in the position to be able to reclaim my musical life. This album was instrumental in helping me find solace, peace, healing and strength. There were many albums that did this for me but this was just one of the most important for me: ![]() It was during her singing Brother Sister that I really started to realize how how hard those times were and how far I had come and I cried: In my head, those words remind me what Grandma Said, at times you'll feel a sting There'll be sharp turns and uphills and closed doors. Then she said hold onto your faith, don't be scared go out there Just stand up Be strong Go out there Hold on to the real things that matter cuz noones gonna hand it to you on a silver platter..... I cannot tell you the measures of faith this song helped me to achieve. The whole album really. Especially when I think of my grandmother and how much of an inspiration she is to me. Her passing in 95 hurt me so badly but this song reminds me of all her love, all her strength, all her inspiration and the fact that I am cut from the same cloth as her only serves to remind me that I carry on the love, strength and inspiration. I spent 3 years in destruction and the songs from this album helped me to believe again. Not too long after getting Brother Sister, they broke up ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() From what I have been able to piece together from research here and there (feel free to clarify if you know different), The Brand New Heavies were a stock band on Delicious Vinyl and the band did some sessions with Jay Ella Ruth. The label decided that they wanted to pair them up with N'Dea Davenport after Jay Ella Decided to leave. They then redid the songs they did with Jay Ella. N'Dea had signed an artist development deal and was basically on loan to the band. After the 2 records, N'Dea decided to pursue a solo venture. Now, I went to Chicago in September and while there I found a Brand New Heavies Compilation of stuff that they recorded with Jay Ella Ruth. And I really don't want to disrespect the woman but the difference is just night and day and this band, IMO would not have taken off had they kept her. She did an OK job vocally but when you compare the versions, N'Dea just breathed such life into those songs with the purity and strength of her voice. Anyway, so here we are and I'm hearing her singing all of these songs that have marked so much of my life and I was completely swept up in the enormity of what this band and their music has meant to me. So the concert ends and the club makes an announcement that the band will be staying to sign posters and CDs ![]() So I walked up and she said: You were up at the front weren't you? ![]() ![]() ![]() I saw you! ![]() ![]() I would like to say something. OK. ![]() I just wanted to really just say thank you for your music. I had a revelation of sorts as I was listening to the show. I realized that all your albums came out at very distinct and definitive periods in my life. Your first album came out when I was first discovering myself and before I went into an abusive relationship. Your second album came out after I had left that relationship and it became part of my healing. Your solo album came out when I was very sick and thought I was dying and the song "Placement for the Baby" gave me so much comfort and so much peace during that time. Oh my God, you're going to make me cry. ![]() And now this album comes out and I'm at a point in my life where I'm pursuing becoming a counselor to help abused people and people in my community. You are coming into your own ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() And we hugged!!!!! OMG!!!! CRYING! ![]() ![]() 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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The year ended with something totally unexpected.
I went on a date with a nice Christian man in late November and he said he wanted to show me the place where he works before going to dinner. I'm thinkin Ok, he's going to show me where he "works" and I thought maybe we would work ![]() ![]() So we arrive to the building and once inside I was pretty much agog over all the historical items on display. ![]() ![]() At the very end of the hallway I saw a podium and a portrait painting of Katherine Kuhlman. ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() I seriously nearly fell out in shock over this. I mean here I expected we were going to his job for some frisky business and here I am looking at a portrait of her and her podium! The podium she took everywhere and preached from! ![]() She reminds me of the people who mean the most to me in my life, my mother, my grandma Hazel and my great Aunt Esther. Even though my memories of church life are filled with much negativity, these are 3 people who raised me and were strong in their faith and I have always been very encouraged by that. For me, these three represent what Christianity is supposed to be about and they always made me feel the love of god. I was deeply moved during the moments I stood before that podium and even after. I touched it ![]() ![]() I question most any and everything most evangelicals put their hands on, either in the literal sense or figuratively. I just happen to believe that this woman was gifted, certainly with the power of words. She was, and obviously still is, such an inspiration to me. I see in her many things I see in myself and the thing that I took away from this experience is fearlessness. She was just fearless in her gifts and her faith and that is something I truly truly TRULY want to be. Fearless..... 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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OK, all that and I'm barely getting to the point of my thread ![]() In very beginning of this year, I did something I hardly ever ever do. I left work on time! ![]() I sat in my car for a few minutes to finish the last chapter of a book I was reading. While reading a car pulled up next to me and I look over and I see someone kinda moving their head to get a look at me. I couldn't see this person because there was light in my eyes. Well I just kept on with my book til I was done. So I left and I got about 5 car spaces towards the bar when I felt a strong tugging and a nagging feeling that I needed to go back to see who that person was that parked next to me. So I walked over and we made introductions and within a minute of conversation he asks if I'm gifted. Sensing something from him, I knew he had to be talking about my voice and I told him yes, I do have some gifts. Well we decided to go for coffee and we sat and talked for 3 hours. We talked about our gifts and he ended up inviting me to see him speak at a metaphysical bookstore. Not really knowing what this bookstore or speech was going to be about I was thinkin that maybe I was going to a witches coven ![]() The first speakers spoke about Power Animals. Much like having guardian angels, they believe that we have animal guides and every person has animals that are unique to them. So they were talking about this and they led us through a meditation. Now I have never in my life meditated before. I always wondered about it and thought that it was something that I should explore but mainly I never did because I thought I wouldn't know how. But surprisingly, it came naturally to me. We did our breathing exercise and counted down from 1 to 10. During this meditation I saw 2 animals clearly. The first animal was a lion. But it was completely and totally charcoal grey. Not the golden color of a usual lion. Dark, smoky grey. I have no idea what the meaning of the different colored lion means but it must mean something. If anyone has any ideas, I'd like to hear them ![]() ![]() When I first saw her it was like she was in the center of a giant dark egg and it was like you could see through the egg, or that the middle shell was missing. It was like she was encased in a shadow but she was bright in there but shrouded still. And she was sort of an off white color with vibrant orange, red and purple stripes. As I continued to see her, she emerged from this shadow egg and she had limbs that reminded me of a spider. They were very long and jointed. These were my power animals. The second one definitely lives on another planet ![]() The second person to speak was a woman who has been invited on the Cesar Milan show (the dog whisperer) and she said she has telepathic powers with animals and she proceeded to do her presentation on our connection to our pets and the lessons we can learn from them. She really promoted animals as equals. The next woman spoke about finding your joy. This presentation was so powerful and had me in tears. She too did a meditative exercise and she told us that we were going to go to our garden. We did some breathing, in/out....in/out and she counted down from 10 to 1 and she said that as we counted down that we were to envision going down step by step and that when we got to the bottom we would be in our garden. In my vision, when I was still at the top of the stairs I could see clearly the landscape before me. I was at the top of a hill and it was desolate. Nothing but just bare dirt and there were really no landmarks anwhere in sight. The thing is though, that at the edge of the hill were tree tops and these trees filled this horseshoe shaped indent in the hill. So I walked down those stairs one by one and when I got to the bottom my grandmother and my great aunt were there. They were sitting on these lush and plush white almost bean bag looking things but they weren't bean bags but they weren't exactly a sofa either. And the garden! ![]() Let me tell you about one of those dreams.... I was at home and opened the backdoor. Instead of my yard, there was nothing but water as far as the eye could see. I became alarmed because I thought we had a flood. I ran to the front door and when I opened it instead of my frontyard, there was sand. It was the beach! I walked out onto the sand and smelled the warm salty air. It was a perfect day. Sunny, some clouds to add character to the sky. And I walked out to the water and saw the most amazing thing. People were out there riding dolphins and whales! The creatures were leaping out of the water and crashing back in and people were on their backs with their hands in the air just laughing in delight. I swam out and rode with them. It was the most amazing feeling. I was so so happy on the back of a dolphin and I rode the waves with my hands in the air, laughing and crying at how happy I was. It was heaven..... So I was just so struck by the fact that the heaven from my dreams is where my garden is and that the people I loved the most in this life are there tending to it until it's time for me to join them. Well she did another exercise in which she wanted us to focus on a joyful time in our life. It could be a singular experience, something on a regular basis. It just had to be where we found our most joy. For me the answer was instant and clear. Music. She had us envision going back to that time as we are now and ask our youngersleves a question. Well the thing that came clearly to me when I remembered my joy was being alone in my room when I was a teen with my music. It was not safe for me to be out in the world because there was always someone wanting to harm me emotionally, psychologically and even sometimes physically. My childhood was hell because of the way I was bullied. Well I was back in my room with myself at 15 and I'm listening to Prince and I'm asking my young self about my joy and you know, when I often look back to those times, it isn't with happiness or joy. It's usually in pain because of how bad I was treated but there I was with my 15 year old self and I had no fear and I was happy in my little world and my young self was even confused how I could have doubt at 37 since I clearly didn't have it in that moment at 15. That was extremely moving for me because I just never saw myself as a strong person and there I was completely and fiercely strong. The next presentation was by the man who invited me to see him speak. He spoke about finding your peace. He started with the prayer of St. Francis. Finally I am on familiar ground ![]() During the time I have been finding my faith I have been very hesitant about connecting with others who may have the same kind of gifts because like in religion, there are a lot of scam artists in the psychic world. And I really don't want to refer to myself as a psychic, although that is a really big part of my gift. I am very intuitive, I have dreams, I get feelings and in extraordinary circumstances I will have visions or hear voices. I think that those of us who are gifted in these ways are given those gifts to use correctly and some don't. I don't actually do anything to make these things happen, like cast a spell or mix potions or rub crystals or any new age kind of stuff and so part of my hesitiancy has been that since I'm not actually doing anything to try and make it happen, I don't want to introduce elements that might change the dynamics of it. I'm not saying that I think that anybody who approaches their gift in that manner isn't right, just that I didn't think it was right for me and I didn't want someone coming in trying to change my approach. I think the main thing that I actually do is just to remain open and listen and respond to that voice when I hear it. I am at the point where I know the voice when I hear it and when I'm holding that gift I know exactly how to use it, I'm just unsure how to grab it from nothing. In otherwords, I don't know how to manifest it without just waiting for it to come. I think that part is coming for me. The next person to speak did a presentation on finding your power and this one blew me away. We did another exercise and in it she said to ask yourself on a scale of 1 to 10, how powerful you thought you were. I asked myself that question and I saw 4, which is kinda low ![]() The last person to speak spoke on compassion in business ![]() ![]() So the night ends and I am really just blown away by what I had experienced and I understood that nagging feeling I had when I left work early that Monday before, and then went to the bar I never go to on a Monday, and then honored that feeling I had to go and speak to the man who parked next to me. That feeling brought me into this group. Now I did not make that event that they had because it was just too short notice and I wouldn't have been able to make the whole day and I was really scattered and unfocused but that event was held 1 year to the DAY of when I heard that voice telling me to put the album Pisces Iscariot back when I bought my hard-drive the year before. ![]() So I decided that I was going to go back to this group for the meeting they had last month and I decided that I wanted to do a presentation and I did! ![]() Oh my God! We have people who are here 1 or 2 years before ever giving a presentation and you are giving one on your second time here?! ![]() ![]() So I did my presentation and I used the article that I wrote about my experience with domestic abuse and the article I wrote to commemorate the first year anniversary of my cousin Lisa's death. I spoke about my first memory in life being watching my dad beat up my mom. I spoke about the fact that I grew up witnessing all the women in my life being abused. Now most of the group believes in the stars, moon, time travel, all kinds of really new agey kind of stuff and I'm sure that when I got up to speak they thought I was going to talk about all that stuff but by the time I was done with that presentation, the audience was shell shocked ![]() I spoke about how I grew up to make the same choice in choosing the wrong man and about my journey into hell. I wanted to do this presentation for 2 reasons. To bring the lesson I learned to the group as gifted individuals but also for those who do not operate on the same levels that I/we do. This message is good for anybody and really isn't even rooted in religion or faith. After I had written about my experience with abuse, I did a lot of soul searching in the year after and I really battled with the fact that my ex was still on the peripheree of my life. Not usually directly invovled but he stayed friends with friends of mine and I would see him out and he would always want to be near me and I didn't want anything to do with him. Well I realized that my anger and pain were only eating me up. I realized they were like poison and that they served me no useful purpose. So I thought long and hard about him being in my life and after that year, I finally came to a place where I truly forgave him for what he did and more importantly I forgave myself.. For part of the soulsearching brought me to the realization that rightly or wrongly I chose to participate in that relationship. I stayed mostly out of fear and fear is a hugely wicked motivator. Forgiveness is amazing for what it allows us to become. Forgiveness removes a wall. It destroys barriers and gives us the ground on which to stand righteously. It is important to forgive others but most importantly that we forgive ourselves. That is the first step that must take place in order to move forward. When I looked back on that time, I saw that I was a wounded person, that I was trusting to a fault and that I had the whole tide of my history behind me pushing me towards disaster. Forgiveness is a tool and helped me to no longer be swept up in the tide but became the lifeboat with which I could navigate my way through treacherous waters and onto calm seas. We are our own worst enemies. We know the truth about ourselves and sometimes that truth aint too pretty. We know our true motivations and the things that drive us. When you look at your failings honestly, you can understand why you make the choices you make. Understanding leads to responsibility and being responsible for our choices and actions is the key to taking true ownership of our future. I'm not even coaching this in morality or God but choice is choice and choices have consequences as we all know. One thing that I had to face about my past is that I chose to be in that relationship. Now I understand that I made the choices I made because I wasn't a whole person, a healed person and in many ways I didn't know better. But I do now. Rightly or wrongly, understanding why I chose to stay in that realationship went a long long way in helping me to face those failings and to know how not to choose that road in the future. Nobody but you knows the inner workings of your mind and soul. Nobody but you knows your darkest moments and your lowest lows. Those things can be like ghosts, they can haunt us. Coming into knowledge of ourselves, which is what you are doing by being honest about the state of your feelings, and is the key to banishing those things that haunt us and keep us down. Before you can ever grace someone else with forgiveness, you have to grace yourself. When I did my presentation, I spoke about how we do not have to operate from a point of perfection in order to acheive a state of letting go. Taking responsibility doesn't mean that all our future actions are going to be perfect. We are human and humans are imperfect by nature. But just because you stumble or fail does not negate the truth. The truth is the truth is the truth no matter if it's surrounded by more truth or not. The truth never changes. This is one thing I'm learning, that even in my failings, I can hold on to the truths that I have learned and that my failures do not change those truths. I did not have the time to go into the details of my cousin Lisa's death but I did have a few remaining moments to tell the group that she was a victim of domestic violence and that is why my path is just so important to me and why sharing these lessons is so important. If only one person can be prevented from going down that path, a lifetime of work has been done. God, to be able to duplicate that is just something I want to be a part of and a part of me. In the beginning of the night when everybody was introducing themselves, we were to tell what our purpose in this life was and I introduced myself and said I would save that for when I did my presentation. So at the end I said that I saw myself as leader, teacher and healer. I read the end of my article that I wrote to Lisa: The best way I can honor her is to focus and to bring peace to others. I know this is my calling. Thank you Lisa for giving me a beautiful gift, even in your death. I could never have imagined that could be so. You will always be in my heart and i will honor you the rest of my life by bringing hope, healing and peace to others The name of this Group is Heart Centered Speakers and I told the audience that I saw the group as a way for me to begin to fulfill my calling and as a way to make good on the promise I made to my cousin Lisa. My presentation was very well received and I did a question and answer kind of thing and this was really the first time I had ever spoken in public like this. I have spoke to friends but never in front of a bunch of strangers. And I chose not to use the microphone so I would have to be in that moment and be strong in myself and my presence. This was just simply so powerful for me to be able to do. Eventually I would like to become a counselor or incorporate that into my life in a real way and this is the first step in me doing so. One of the co-founders of the group explained that they want to get the website finished and then have some video clips and testimonies on the site and that they want to use the site to promote a stable of speakers and they are interested in having me on their roster! ![]() ![]() Oh, forgot this one other thing. That person that did the presentation on compassion and business, who is the person who described the intent of using the website to promote the various speakers, well after that very first meeting I attended, she came up and asked what kind of counselor I was interested in becoming (I had mentioned that at the start,. that I wanted to become a counselor) and she asked if I was interested in family counseling and I told her that I was more interested in working with victims/survivors of domestic abuse and gay youth and she said she felt I would excel at that and she handed me her business card with the website of the school she went to and where she got her degree. She said that she had kept feeling all night long to share that with me. Her degree? Spiritual psychology ![]() Now I have been really having a struggle as to where my future leads. Do I stay on my career path and have a comfortable life financially and make time for my passion or do I pursue my passion and hope that I can really make a go of it and not worry about being poor again. Well this was just confirmation for me because I had a talk with a manager at my work about 5 years ago and she got her degree in the same thing! It was funny because I went to talk to this manager about a business matter and once we were done she starts talking about all this gifting kind of thing and I'm like ![]() ![]() ![]() . [Edited 12/22/08 14:16pm] 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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Erykah Badu just released an album titled New Amerykah and two songs struck me with amazing force.
The first song is "That Hump": If I could get over that hump, Then maybe I will feel better Maybe I won't, Oh if I could get over that hump then Maybe I will Lord knows, Lord knows I'm trying I'm tired, of this dope it make it better, but it's dragging me lower and I know it, yes, lord knows But If I could get over that hump Then maybe I will feel better Maybe I won't, Oh if I could get over that hump then Maybe I will I just want to fly, far away....far away OK..... This song hurt me so bad when I first heard it. This song rips my fucking heart out and puts it back stronger and with a divine purpose. Since my cousin was killed, there have only been a few songs that have moved the fuck out of me in relation to that event. The very first song I heard after hearing the news that my family had pulled the plug on the life support was Bilal's "Sometimes" I only got through 20 seconds before feeling as if I was going to lose my absolute mind. Me'Shell's "Jabril" spoke to me in the same way because that song is a tribute to those who'se names we shall not speak and my cousin was one of those people that society points at and blames for all its problems. That Hump has sufficently destroyed me. While totally destroying me, Erykah STILL brought the healing..... The song transitions and she talks about her experience and she implores all of us to think about this one thing: "What if it was you"..... That was the motivation for both those threads, to get people to understand the bad choices that people make and WHY they make them. I wanted people to understand the whole story so that the next time they pointed their finger at the weak and wicked, they might understand why they are weak in the first place and sometimes unable to make righteous decisions. When you don't love yourself, you never seek or expect others to love you. If you don't even think you yourself are worthy to be loved, you defintitely don't think you deserve that from anybody else. What if it was you? What if? Life is ALWAYS 2 choices. Life is forks in the road. People only know what they know and how can they recognize the beauty of one side of that fork when they have never ever seen it before? Can you blame someone for choosing what they know? Today is my birthday and my whole life my birthday has been connected to joy, happiness and one giant party ![]() ![]() At 30 you still have a little of that immortality mindset left and I'm sure that she didn't expect to die. I think the hardest thing for me is just not knowing her thoughts in her last days and the fact that she died alone. I guess a lot of people die alone and that isn't what really haunts me, it's wondering if she had any thoughts before she died. Like if she wondered about us, if she thought about us, if she felt completely alone not just physically but in other ways, if she knew how much we really loved her. I hate thinking of her in that alley all alone and not feeling loved. The fact that she came home says a lot but still, there is so much I still can't get my mind around. And her killer still hasn't been found..... Saturday I went to visit her at her resting place and I bought some flowers, printed out some of this article and bought a card. On the card was a mama ladybug and a baby ladybug. I sat and reflected on her, what happened and where my life is heading. There are so many things I never had the chance to say to her. I hope this is a way of telling her my love and I hope that she will help me in my journey to find my peace for myself and for others. The other song that really really moved me is "Master Teacher": I have longed to stay awake A beautiful world I'm trying to find See, I have been in search of myself Oh it's just too hard for me to find. Cuz I'm in the search of something new searchin inside me, searchin inside you What if there was no niggers, only master teachers? I stay woke ![]() Freeing the slaves.....and slave masters We all know the historical context of slavery in this country. What I find so astounding about that lyric, coupled with this cover is the transformation that must take place in order for the slave to free the slave master. It requires a freedom not generally afforded through the relationship between the two. The master will never give the slave what is rightfully theirs. This is part of the message of forgiveness. Freeing yourself is negating the power of the master. Removing the control over those issues from your life is gaining control of yourself. And this is part of the work that I feel I am meant to do, and that is to help people to free themselves of the chains that bind them. To think of a once slave, elevating themselves to the point where THEY are teaching the slave masters. This is evolution, this is perfection, this is God. Last year for me was a total learning process. Like I said, I thought that because it started so spectacularly that the entire year was going to be a piece of cake, and honestly, One thing I became conciously aware of last year is my anger. Even though many wonderful and amazing things happened that were confirmation of my gift and the path of my life, I had a lot of confusion. Confusion that even led me to the point where I felt totally disconnected to my gift, like I had lost it. I never feel that way with it. I might not always know it's working but when I think about it, I know it's there. There were some days where it felt like it was gone. The darkest time from last year involved a recurring dream where I was forced to kill someone in order to protect my family and when a situation happened that began unfolding in a psychotic and violent way, I thought that the dream was about to come true ![]() I am totally ruled by my emotions and for me, the last 6 1/2 years , especially since writing my first article, has been a maturing period for me. Hell, I'm 38 so it's about time huh? ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Well, I don't know that I will have an annual thread every year, some days it seems like I can't keep growing at this pace but who knows, maybe I can. I know for sure that I will continue to learn something from my cousin Lisa and baby Anthony even though they aren't physically here to teach me. I am honestly and truly thankful to all my friends who have helped me along the way and for being patient with me. I'm a work in progress ![]() I love you Lisa, I love you baby Anthony. ![]() 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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Spookymuffin said: ![]() Don't make me get you banned! ![]() Yeah, I'm a novelist, no doubt about it ![]() 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said: Spookymuffin said: ![]() Don't make me get you banned! ![]() Yeah, I'm a novelist, no doubt about it ![]() i'M sORRY. ![]() | |
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Beautiful just beautiful Richard ![]() btw it was great finally getting to meet you in Vegas ![]() ![]() ![]() Ohh purple joy oh purple bliss oh purple rapture! REAL MUSIC by REAL MUSICIANS - Prince "I kind of wish there was a reason for Prince to make the site crash more" ~~ Ben |
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One of my few regrets in my recent life is not hooking up w/ you, Steve, Kris, Nat, ![]() Thank you so much for sharing. You are so wonderful. ![]() ![]() I'm firmly planted in denial | |
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Richard you win the Proustian award for the best and longest thread ![]() But that was beautiful. Great read. And I'm honored to have been a part of it... And thanks for the Alice Smith intro...my roomie is obsessed with her now. ![]() ![]() "...literal people are scary, man literal people scare me out there trying to rid the world of its poetry while getting it wrong fundamentally down at the church of "look, it says right here, see!" - ani difranco | |
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Supa,
I know there's something extremely deep and profound in all that and if it wasn't midnight, I'd get at it. But I will tomorrow... Until then, in case this is something you need hugs for... ![]() | |
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I love you so much.
Thanks for every word Richard. ![]() | |
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![]() Lisa and Anthony know. Thank you...for all that you are and for your big heart to share it all. As I said on the phone last night - I'm so sorry I missed you when you called from the cemetary. When I got your message I instantly remembered what day it was. I'm glad you were able to seek company and comfort with your friends and Alice that night. I can't wait to see you this summer! ![]() | |
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I love you! ![]() ![]() VOTE....EARLY | |
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luv4u said: Beautiful just beautiful Richard
![]() btw it was great finally getting to meet you in Vegas ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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Nothinbutjoy said: One of my few regrets in my recent life is not hooking up w/ you, Steve, Kris, Nat,
![]() Thank you so much for sharing. You are so wonderful. ![]() ![]() Well shnookums, next time you just gotta make it happen ![]() ![]() 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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I remember when you sent me the music...and the novel to go along with it ![]() I still have that. :shug: You are special. | |
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Man, there's so many things I can relate to in your story it gets scary ...
![]() you made me cry and I love it. must be something 'bout being a pisces too then ![]() | |
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TheResistor said: Richard you win the Proustian award for the best and longest thread
![]() But that was beautiful. Great read. And I'm honored to have been a part of it... And thanks for the Alice Smith intro...my roomie is obsessed with her now. ![]() Well it must be obvious by now that you were brought into my life for very specific reasons! ![]() ![]() LOVE that your roomie loves Alice! She deserves so much support! ![]() 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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One4All4Ever said: Man, there's so many things I can relate to in your story it gets scary ...
![]() you made me cry and I love it. must be something 'bout being a pisces too then ![]() Well I'm sure that more than a few times you have been accused of being crazy. I sure have and so have all the Pisces that I know. I believe it has everything to do with us being the most receptive and perceptive of the signs and many just don't know what to do with all that information! ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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Rhondab said: I love you so much.
Thanks for every word Richard. ![]() Well Rhonda, like you I am feeling the way that Badu album makes me FEEL! and that is really the point of art isn't it? I am really so glad that I have a friend that I can say Hey girl, I feel fucking lost as hell but man I woke up speaking tongues in my sleep! and that you are right there with what I'm saying and what I mean. I can't begin to tell you how much strength you have given me over these years. I remember when you were facing those really hard times and I just marveled at how you never took out your anger on people here. I can't say that I have been completely successful at that. Although some people really do deserve the chair! ![]() ![]() My friend used to always quote her mom who used to say Grace under pressure and that is part of the lesson I am learning from last year, and continue to know I must deal with. When I had the signature of "love, peace, empathy, desire, mischief, and gladness", I really did aspire to be those things and sometimes I failed. Although mischief is included there ![]() ![]() ![]() Anyway, I have always been inspired by you and I'm glad to have someone who knows my heart, my goals and that I am pursuing my faith in real ways. You never question that about me and I am truly thankful for that ![]() 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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TheResistor said: Richard you win the Proustian award for the best and longest thread
![]() But that was beautiful. Great read. And I'm honored to have been a part of it... And thanks for the Alice Smith intro...my roomie is obsessed with her now. ![]() The Resistor! ![]() VOTE....EARLY | |
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DiminutiveRocker said: TheResistor said: Richard you win the Proustian award for the best and longest thread
![]() But that was beautiful. Great read. And I'm honored to have been a part of it... And thanks for the Alice Smith intro...my roomie is obsessed with her now. ![]() The Resistor! ![]() So thrilled that another orger actually knows him! ![]() ![]() ![]() 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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applekisses said: ![]() Lisa and Anthony know. Thank you...for all that you are and for your big heart to share it all. As I said on the phone last night - I'm so sorry I missed you when you called from the cemetary. When I got your message I instantly remembered what day it was. I'm glad you were able to seek company and comfort with your friends and Alice that night. I can't wait to see you this summer! ![]() My cousins death has been one of the most challenging events of my entire life and I wish I didn't have to say that you can relate to what I'm feeling but you can. That's why I wanted to chat for a few minutes, just to get connected to someone who truly understands the pain and how staggering this is. I am really glad that my friends were there for me and that Alice was part of this very special and meaningful day. Please share the link for this thread with Elena and Christine and tell them that I love them ![]() ![]() 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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DiminutiveRocker said: I love you!
![]() ![]() Man, how much I wish that our conversation came with a transcript! How perfect was it for this very thread? As I said at lunch, there has totally been a change in you from when you first shared your thoughts on your ex and now. When you first shared that situation with me, real pain real confusion and real doubt came through loud and clear. Now you have had time to process the situation and take care of yourself and you have worked through some major issues and I can tell that your burden from it is much lighter. I love that I have been able to witness that change ![]() ![]() 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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![]() What's left to say that hasn't already been said? I love your crazy Piscean ass!! ![]() I got every single word! Thanks for sharing! ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() [Edited 3/18/08 22:35pm] | |
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