A Beautiful World I'm Trying to Find: I Stay Woke

It's another year since my cousin Lisa and Baby Anthony died. I wanted to take the time to share the most meaningful moments from 2007, all connected to my gift in one way or another. They are what truly got me through last year. It sure started out with a bang!!!!

On the January, 26th 2007 I went in search of a hard-drive. After finding it, I thought I'd buy a CD or 2. Couldn't find any of the newest releases I wanted, so I went searching for old stuff that I had either lost or that had seen better days. Everything I thought of buying, I couldn't find. Finally I gave up my search. As I was walking down the aisle to purchase my harddrive, I spotted an album by one of my favorite bands that came out 13 years prior and I had never bought it

So I sat there and had a dialogue in my head (yes I had to to have an inner debate about it ) and I did figure out why I never bought it. But things had changed both in my personal life as regards to my spirit and with regards to artifacts found that changed the landscape of one of Jesus' disciples. That album is Pisces Iscariot. I remember that I initially refused to buy it because it was the purity of my sign mixed with betrayal and at that point I hadn't yet fully ripped the influence of the church out of my head. But scrolls were found in the year prior that were supposed to be Judas' account of the Gospel and it painted him in a different way than the vast majority are taught to think of him. He is seen as the closest of all Jesus' disciples.

Considering god is all knowing, it really makes so much sense that Judas was meant to play the role he did. It couldn't have been any other way. Matter of fact, his betrayal was the catalyst that resulted in the death of Christ and without the death of Christ there could have been no resurrection. Without the resurrection, there could be no redemption. So really, you could even say it was an act of love. Who knows what kind of conversation they had prior to the crucifiction. Who is to say that Jesus didn't work to convince Judas that he had to betray him in order to bring about the events that unfolded?

So I picked up the album and I got to the end of the aisle and I hear this lady come up right behind me saying Put it Back! I stand there for a second....What?!???? I turned around and nobody was there. The closest person near me was four aisles over My inner voice was that clear that I actually heard it. The next morning I am sitting there with my mom watching TV and the mail comes and she hands me a package from one of my best friends. I got so excited I open up the card and my friend says that he has sent me a late Christmas present and that he wasn't sure if I had the CD or not but if I didn't that I should own it. So I open up the package and what am I staring at? Pisces Iscariot! OK, if I actually hear a voice, I OBEY!

Later that night, I listened to the Album. So I'm listening and reading the liner notes at the same time and I am floored on so many levels First, the band experience and everything that goes into the recording of an album. I love love LOVE reading stuff like that. So I'm reading the liner notes and I'm practically crying the whole time I'm listening to that cd, and then I get to the end.....

somebody comes up to you in a bar and asks if you are who they think you are, and then you say if you know then i am and if you don't then i'm not. special thanks to everyone for their continued support and a fuck you to those who will never understand

love, peace, empathy, desire, mischief, and gladness
2007

I started bawling right there because it was just so much confirmation. Confirmation about listening to that inner voice and about the path of my life. When I was holding that CD in Best Buy the day before, the main thing that screamed inside my head when I was asking myself why I never picked it up, was the fact that my sign is in the title. I am everything I am because of the time I chose to enter this world. Now back in 1994, the year 2007 would have been completely irrelevant. Last year IT. WAS. NOT! I have no idea why he would have signed off the liner notes with 2007 in 1994 but it just floored me to think that something as ridiculous as never picking up something like this from one of my favorite bands would turn into something beyond amazing. I kept the ending of the liner notes as my signature for a year. It was just so perfect I couldn't change it.

Because of that experience, I thought that the year was going to be a cinch. Easy as pie. It was not. The year was all over the place for me. I went from having that kind of amazing experience to feeling totally lost and disconnected from my gift to the point of complete doubt. The year vasciallated from amazing experiences to doubt to experience to anger to experience to pain. During the height of my doubt I actually woke up one night praying in my spirit language. I was speaking it in my sleep! I told Rhondab that I felt so lost but damn if I wasn't on auto pilot!

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[Edited 4/3/08 18:26pm]
[Edited 6/24/08 17:45pm]
[Edited 7/13/08 0:25am]

In April we had a little invasion in Vegas. I met up with Luv4U, Purplekisses, Finesse, Natisse and Butterfli25. The time was fantastic, the company spectacular!!!! A quick shout out to those wonderful friends. Thank you all for giving me such good memories and energy to carry me through some of the darker moments of last year

Well after the invasion, at the advise of a friend I decided to take a risk on love. I told this man how I felt and he didn't feel the same. I had kind of prepared myself for a rejection, but I took it much harder than even I thought I would. Not because of his reaction, it was wonderful. But because it was just more time I'd have to wait for "Mr. Right" and considering my history I have waited long enough!!!!

So I won't share the full details of this little revelation I made. It was about 25 pages and I had to send it in 4 different notes because there was too much text BUT I wanted to share the confirmation that happened. All my life I have had feelings and thoughts and I pretty much ignored them as crazy, irrational, things that made no sense, even thinking I had OCD. That might be true but not with this Anyway, since writing the article about my exprience with my ex who abused me those feelings and thoughts, which I will refer to from here on as "my voice", got stronger and more pronounced. And I finally acknowledged that it was real. Instead of discounting it as crazy thinking or irrationality, I started to acknowledge and validate it by listening to it and what it was telling me and since I've been doing that, it has confirmed itself over and over, in many absolutely amazing ways.

So I had told my friend that I loved him and he didn't feel the same. But we agreed that we would continue our friendship so I still had him in my life in a meaningful way. Well in the letter that I wrote to him, I had to go back to explain my last relationship and why I was still living out my disfunction. I needed to let him know who I am and how I came to be at the place I stand. I cited 3 primary forces that shaped my life:

• Smashing Pumpkins and the album Siamese Dream
  
  I grew up around gangs and we weren't listening to rock and roll Before I bought it, I was closed off to rock/alternative music. Growing up in the church I always thought of it as the devils music and that was only cemented into my thinking because all the people in my personal life that liked rock music were into drugs, hardcore even and that was the devil too
  
  I had left my ex Paul and was out of my apartment for 6 months and living back at my mom's. When he told me he was moving out (his new boyfriend had moved in with him) I told him I was taking the apartment back and that is what I did. I had no car and there wasn't a lot around me as far as access to music. There was a little store on my way home and one night not too long after taking back the apartment we shared, I stopped and I saw Siames Dream. Well I bought that album in the used section for 5.99 and thought that it wouldn't be such a monetary sacrifice if I didn't like it.
  
  Well all I really had in my living room was a couch and a beat beat up entertainment unit for my TV and little stereo and I had a matress in the bedroom and a little dresser. I really had nothing other than that, except my cats. So I came home to my barren apartment and I got stoned and then I played Siamese Dream and I just could not believe what I was hearing. 3:00 minutes into cherub rock is the first guitar solo on the album and I just began sobbing. That solo sounds pained, fearful, elated, limitless, free, as if asking a question and giving an answer all at the same time.
  
  So when I was back in the apartment as a free person that night listening to Siamese Dream, the music washed over me like healing, like cleansing. I basically cried through the whole thing thankful to God that I was free and that I was experiencing the one thing that was always my saving grace and that was music. So really the significance of Siamese Dream for me is really the newfound freedom I had both in my personal life and my musical life. Not only was I free from Paul but I was free from the chains that bound me musically from accepting and entering the world that would really become such an important part of my life. Without this gateway ablum, there couldn't have been PJ, Tricky or Bjork. This opened a whole new world to me that I just cannot ever imagine not having.
  
  
• Finding out my rising sign.
  
  I am a Pisces and I am TOTALLY a Pisces, Emotional to the point of almost not being human! Whew! Some days
  
  Pisceans are often viewed as being weak because of how much emotion we have. Many of us are criers. I sure am. But our tears aren't a sign of weakness, it's our strength to be able to feel what we feel fully without drowning. Then there is the duality of the fish. Following each other, constantly completing each others half of the circle. Two Fish, One swimming upstream. One swimming down, living in a dream..... That is an Erykah Badu lyric and it is so true. One fish is seeking grounding and reality and the other is seeking its dreams and when one is grounded and the other is finished dreaming, they take over the other's role and it goes on an on..... Pisces is famously known as being the last sign but, in actuality, it is the sign that precedes the first. It is the continuation of everything that comes before it, passing the collectivity through to the next cycle.
  
  The person that I revealed my love to is a Libra and it wasn't until a conversation during the invasion that I found that out. As soon as I did everything started to click into place as to exactly what the connection was that I felt with this man. I had never been able to place it before. About 6 months before I revealed my love, I discovered that my rising is Libra.
  
  
• Dating Madartista
  
  Yes, we dated for about 6 months This was back in 2005/2006. Now we didn't announce it to the broader org in order to keep some sense of privacy. And even though things didn't work out as partners, there are so many things that relationship taught me and that I will always hold dear. Matter of fact, our friendship is better than it's ever been. Chris helped me to grapple with and deal with some things that were really hurting me in my life and for that I will always be thankful.

Oh! Um, hello!

Sony Pictures

Sony?! Do you know a girl named Claudia Huertas?

Nope. Doesn't sound familiar

She is one of my friends and she works there

Do you know which department?

Not really.

She used to go to these parties her roommate's group used to throw OK, Claudia used to say this Chris and that Chris and how hard it was to keep track of all of them.

We used to throw parties all the time! OMG, there is a running joke in the LA group because there are like 8 different Chris's. My friend Chris is such a hardcore Prince fan that he even worked for Prince!

YES!

YES!. My friend Christine Onesky worked for Prince too! OMG, we have to be talking about the same person!

Richard hey it's Chris i'm in San Francisco at the GLAAD media awards, just got your message. Um, absolutely yes Claudia is one of my very bestest friends that I've known since I first moved to LA in 2000. When I moved back a second time I stayed with her for a few months. I actually know all of her family really well.

Exactly.

In July I went to visit Applekisses and Gangstafam I have been out to see them for the past couple years. Well a few days before going out, I found out that Gangstafam, Ivy and Deja were roadtripping to Minneapolis. I asked why and Gansta was like to See Prince!

Prince is playing???

Yeah, on 7/7/07!



Being that I have never been to Minnie before I begged my way onto that roadtrip I got to meet all the Kitties! Well because it was so last minute, I really only had my regular vacation budget. I had no budget for Prince tickets for the Macy's show and then Target Center show. I figured the folks would just go to the concert and I'd check out the city while they were seeing Prince and that we would connect after the concert was over.

Well, the first night there we found out that Prince was going to have an aftershow at First Ave. And the tickets were $31.21 which was totally in my budget But in usual Prince fashion, the ticket situation was just all kinds of messed up. They weren't going to start to sell those tickets until 3:00 and the show was at 5:00. By 20 minutes before the performance we were only 1 1/2 ways around the building and so now everybody was starting to panic because they paid good money for the Macy's peformance and it was Sophie's choice. Miss the first show at First Ave in years, and on such a special day, in order to make it to the Macy's show or stay and get the tickets for the aftershow and miss Macy's.

Well Gangstafam and a hot waiter decided they were going to run over to Macy's to tell them of the situation. They came back with some news. Gangsta:

Ok, we went to Macy's and we have 2 surprises. The first Surprise is that they are going to delay the concert by one hour to give as many people in this line to get their tickets for the aftershow and a chance to get over to Macy's for the performance. That's the first surprise. The second is for Richard. Here is your ticket for Macy's and here is your ticket for the Target Center.

Me----- What?!!! OMG, you did not buy these for me!

OMG! OK, as we were coming out of Macy's there was this guys standing out in front of the door and he asked if we knew anybody who needed Prince tickets. We told him that our friend from California came out last minute and that he didn't have tickets and how much was he asking for them and he told us we could have them for free and that he couldn't use them but wanted them to go to a real fan and not a scalper!

So I got tickets to all three shows!!! This isn't really one of my special powers stories cuz I didn't have any feelings, premonitions, visions or dreams about this but damn! I log this along the lines of my cousin's birth in that sometimes things so perfect just come to me. I must have done something right cuz this is just crazy!

The Brand New Heavies are one of my all time favorite bands. I discovered them in 1990 when my friend Blake asked if I knew who they were. I told him no and he handed me a tape and said he thought I would dig them. He never got the tape back I just couldn't bear to part ways with it. In 1994 they broke up and I cannot ever begin to explain how absolutely devastated I was by that. They weren't simply a band, they were a real part of my life and an essential part of the healing path I set to after I left my abusive relationship.

Back in 2006, I was listening to the local independent radio station and I. HEARD. THAT. VOICE! I literally sat riveted wondering if it really could be true. I knew that voice but it was just beyond hope that it could be true. The last time I heard that voice was 10 years prior, back in 1997 when N'Dea Davenport (the lead singer of BNH) released a solo album. It had been 10 years of silence though. She did nothing else after that. Now, the band had continued on with several different leads but none of them could dare compare to N'Dea.

So I sat there listening to this song, just knowing it had to be her and after the song was over, the radio host said it was a brand new track from the Brand New Heavies and that she had rejoined the band





OMG! Well, in August my wonderful, amazing and beautiful friend Guillermo (TheResistor) played a central role in helping the unthinkable to happen to me. He bought tickets for the Brand New Heavies concert at the House of Blues in LA and my long wandering in the desert of songless drought changed Sunday August 26th, 2007 was one of the best nights of my life X INFINITY!!!!! Now this was just unthinkable to me. Here this was happening, when really it almost never should have. When bands break up, they generally don't get back together. Many times the magic of past days cannot be recaptured even when they do.

They released this album last year:



It's definitely a strong album, and one that really has grown on me, but there isn't really one of those signature N'Dea songs like "Dream Come True", "Stay This Way", "Never Stop", "Forever", "Keep Together" or "Daybreak". I thought that maybe something had happened to her voice, that maybe she had some vocal damage or surgery or something. I wasn't really sure because her absence from the music scene all these years left me pondering all the possibilities. And I'm not saying she doesn't sing on this album because she does. And she sounds great but there wasn't that super punch that she is known to give. Listen to any of those songs I just cited and you will understand what I'm saying.

It still is a great album by all measures. But for me her VOICE is the thing that hooked me to this band and like a crack addict, I cannot get enough of it and just wanted all I could get after them being apart for so long. I will say though, that this album is exciting in that they didn't stick with the blueprint of their previous music. They really branched out with some different sounds for them and I love that about this album. The most familiar of the songs is "Let's Do It Again" and "All Fired Up". Those are so them, and "I don't Know Why I Love You" being the most shining example of her throwing down vocally. But I seriously wanted all tracks to be blowfests. Call me greedy if you must

So we get there early enough to snag a spot at the front of the stage. I can't tell you the nervous excitement I felt. I just couldn't believe this was really happening. So we were talking about the different songs we hoped that they would play and were just jammin along to the DJ cuts they were playing before the took the stage. Finally the lights dim and the show is on.

The band was dressed to the 9s and Miss Davenport had a black glittery dress on. Looking fine as ever All ideas I had about the possibility of her losing some of her vocal ability were thrown right the hell out the window as soon as she opened her mouth WOW!!!! Just WOW!!. She hadn't lost a damn thing. And they played every single song we wanted except for one! The whole time during this concert they are just playing the soundtrack of my life. All the songs that mean so much to me. This wasn't just music, this was my heart and soul. And you would have thought I was at church because the whole show I had my hands in the air in straight up worship and I was singing my heart out as if there were no tomorrow. There was no mistaking it..... I was clearly devoted to this band and their music.

So during the show I had a realization. I realized that their albums (and her solo) were released at very distinct and pivotal parts of my life. Their first album, self titled, only featured her on 4 tracks. The rest were instrumentals. But those songs are SO AMAZING that it was irrelevant that she sang on less than half the album. Those songs were just so stellar that they made me an instant fan and connected to this band:



She is not even featured on the album covered but damn is there a gem inside. An absolute pearl.

"Dream Come True"




"Never Stop"




"Stay This Way"



There is just a joy that shines through in this early stuff So different than what was happening in popular music at the time.


That album came out when I was 20 and still believed in the hope and utopianism of Love. This was back before I entered the absolute nightmare that was my relationship with my ex Paul. I look back on the idealism of those days and it makes me want to weep. Aging has a way of corrupting your dreams and when I look at the dark places that I went in the years after the first album came out, I cannot do anything but respect the innocence of my spirit at this time. Those songs are just about the purity of Love, believin in it and reveling in the thunder and flowers it brings. It was what I believed at the time and why I connected so hard to her music.

The state of my life, my mind and my spirit was in shambles at the time their second album found its way into my hands. I didn't come to purchase it until after I had split from my ex. I lost so much of my music collection when I was with him. One time he tried baiting me into a reaction as an excuse to fight with me and he took my CDs and snapped them into a pile on the floor one by one. I acted as if it didn't bother me in the slightest even though inside I was screaming in anguish. Music has always been the thing that has gotten me through all my dark times. As a kid I was tortured and thus spent most of my time alone. It was really the only way for me to be safe from the world. Music has always been my salvation.

So after I had left him I had moved back into the apartment we had shared, by myself, and I was in the position to be able to reclaim my musical life. This album was instrumental in helping me find solace, peace, healing and strength. There were many albums that did this for me but this was just one of the most important for me:





It was during her singing Brother Sister that I really started to realize how how hard those times were and how far I had come and I cried:

In my head, those words remind me what
Grandma Said, at times you'll feel a sting
There'll be sharp turns and uphills and closed doors.
Then she said hold onto your faith,
don't be scared go out there

Just stand up
Be strong
Go out there
Hold on
to the real things
that matter
cuz noones gonna hand it to you on a silver platter.....

I cannot tell you the measures of faith this song helped me to achieve. The whole album really. Especially when I think of my grandmother and how much of an inspiration she is to me. Her passing in 95 hurt me so badly but this song reminds me of all her love, all her strength, all her inspiration and the fact that I am cut from the same cloth as her only serves to remind me that I carry on the love, strength and inspiration. I spent 3 years in destruction and the songs from this album helped me to believe again. Not too long after getting Brother Sister, they broke up Only 2 albums under their belt and *poof* done. I couldn't believe something so magical could just disappear.

From what I have been able to piece together from research here and there (feel free to clarify if you know different), The Brand New Heavies were a stock band on Delicious Vinyl and the band did some sessions with Jay Ella Ruth. The label decided that they wanted to pair them up with N'Dea Davenport after Jay Ella Decided to leave. They then redid the songs they did with Jay Ella. N'Dea had signed an artist development deal and was basically on loan to the band. After the 2 records, N'Dea decided to pursue a solo venture.

Now, I went to Chicago in September and while there I found a Brand New Heavies Compilation of stuff that they recorded with Jay Ella Ruth. And I really don't want to disrespect the woman but the difference is just night and day and this band, IMO would not have taken off had they kept her. She did an OK job vocally but when you compare the versions, N'Dea just breathed such life into those songs with the purity and strength of her voice.


Anyway, so here we are and I'm hearing her singing all of these songs that have marked so much of my life and I was completely swept up in the enormity of what this band and their music has meant to me. So the concert ends and the club makes an announcement that the band will be staying to sign posters and CDs OMG! I could not waste this opportunity and so I stood there thinking of exactly how I was going to say what I had to say without taking up too much time in the line or aggravating the guards and stuff. So I stood in line and bought another CD and I had the band sign my poster but I saved the CD especially for N'Dea.

So I walked up and she said:

You were up at the front weren't you?



I saw you!

I would like to say something.

OK.

I just wanted to really just say thank you for your music. I had a revelation of sorts as I was listening to the show. I realized that all your albums came out at very distinct and definitive periods in my life. Your first album came out when I was first discovering myself and before I went into an abusive relationship. Your second album came out after I had left that relationship and it became part of my healing. Your solo album came out when I was very sick and thought I was dying and the song "Placement for the Baby" gave me so much comfort and so much peace during that time.

Oh my God, you're going to make me cry.

And now this album comes out and I'm at a point in my life where I'm pursuing becoming a counselor to help abused people and people in my community.

You are coming into your own I have a story about coming into my own and I haven't told it yet but I will One day you'll hear all about it Here, let me give you a hug.

And we hugged!!!!! OMG!!!! CRYING! I just could not pass up the opportunity to express to one of my biggest musical heroes the impact of her art on my life. Thank you Guillermo for making this possible. It was one of the stellar highlights of the year, and of my life. I will never forget it

The year ended with something totally unexpected.

I went on a date with a nice Christian man in late November and he said he wanted to show me the place where he works before going to dinner. I'm thinkin Ok, he's going to show me where he "works" and I thought maybe we would work

So we arrive to the building and once inside I was pretty much agog over all the historical items on display. It was full of things representing American Christian History. There were portraits, display cases with items and pieces owned by certain individuals. They had the original bench used by the Salvation Army in their fundraising. They even received Tammy Faye's makeup case and set of lashes that they are going to put on display!

At the very end of the hallway I saw a podium and a portrait painting of Katherine Kuhlman.





!!!!!


I seriously nearly fell out in shock over this. I mean here I expected we were going to his job for some frisky business and here I am looking at a portrait of her and her podium! The podium she took everywhere and preached from! Now most of you are aware that I grew up in the church and that I have distanced myself from it but Katherine Kuhlman was among a handful of evangelists that I admired and revered. I still do. I loved that she was fearless in the Lord. I find her story very compelling. Even while going forth and bringing the good message to the people, she still struggled with the same thing all of us do and that is her humanity. She was not a perfect woman and she battled with her imperfections but still she shined in her gifts and as a child of God.

She reminds me of the people who mean the most to me in my life, my mother, my grandma Hazel and my great Aunt Esther. Even though my memories of church life are filled with much negativity, these are 3 people who raised me and were strong in their faith and I have always been very encouraged by that. For me, these three represent what Christianity is supposed to be about and they always made me feel the love of god. I was deeply moved during the moments I stood before that podium and even after. I touched it Not that anything happened when I did, but still it was amazing for me to touch a piece of her, an instrument used for the glory of her God. I almost broke down in the car on the way to dinner that is how moved I was. She just reminded me of what I loved about the church. A gifted person sharing the gift with others. It doesn't get any better than that.

I question most any and everything most evangelicals put their hands on, either in the literal sense or figuratively. I just happen to believe that this woman was gifted, certainly with the power of words. She was, and obviously still is, such an inspiration to me. I see in her many things I see in myself and the thing that I took away from this experience is fearlessness. She was just fearless in her gifts and her faith and that is something I truly truly TRULY want to be. Fearless.....

OK, all that and I'm barely getting to the point of my thread Sorry, I can't tell half stories!

In very beginning of this year, I did something I hardly ever ever do. I left work on time! This rare occurrence led to more rare happenings. Monday nights aren't really a big going out night for me. Pretty boring no matter where you go. I work in LA and live in the next county over and at 6:00 it can take me up to 2 hours to get home because of traffic. Well not only did I leave early this day but I decided to go straight home. Amazingly enough, traffic was light that night and I made it back to my neck of the woods in about 45 minutes. Since the night was early I decided to hit the local bar. But this is also something I rarely do. I rarely go to this bar and certainly never on a Monday but I had a feeling so I went.

I sat in my car for a few minutes to finish the last chapter of a book I was reading. While reading a car pulled up next to me and I look over and I see someone kinda moving their head to get a look at me. I couldn't see this person because there was light in my eyes. Well I just kept on with my book til I was done. So I left and I got about 5 car spaces towards the bar when I felt a strong tugging and a nagging feeling that I needed to go back to see who that person was that parked next to me. So I walked over and we made introductions and within a minute of conversation he asks if I'm gifted. Sensing something from him, I knew he had to be talking about my voice and I told him yes, I do have some gifts.

Well we decided to go for coffee and we sat and talked for 3 hours. We talked about our gifts and he ended up inviting me to see him speak at a metaphysical bookstore. Not really knowing what this bookstore or speech was going to be about I was thinkin that maybe I was going to a witches coven So I get there and it turns out that this night is a dry run for an event that they were going to be having later in the month.

The first speakers spoke about Power Animals. Much like having guardian angels, they believe that we have animal guides and every person has animals that are unique to them. So they were talking about this and they led us through a meditation. Now I have never in my life meditated before. I always wondered about it and thought that it was something that I should explore but mainly I never did because I thought I wouldn't know how. So we started a breathing technique and they counted from 10 backwards and asked us to see our power animals.

During this meditation I saw 2 animals clearly. The first animal was a lion. But it was completely and totally charcoal grey. Not the golden color of a usual lion. Dark, smoky grey. I have no idea what the meaning of the different colored lion means but it must mean something. If anyone has any ideas, I'd like to hear them The second animal was definitely feline in nature but it wasn't exactly a cat. It was absolutely feminine When I first saw her it was like she was in the center of a giant dark egg and it was like you could see through the egg, or that the middle shell was missing. It was like she was encased in a shadow but she was bright in there but shrouded still. And she was sort of an off white color with vibrant orange and purple stripes. As I continued to see her, she emerged from this shadow egg and she had limbs that reminded me of a spider. They were very long and jointed. These were my power animals. The second one definitely lives on another planet

The second person to speak was a woman who has been invited on the Cesar Milan show (the dog whisperer) and she said she has telepathic powers with animals and she proceeded to do her presentation on our connection to our pets and the lessons we can learn from them. She really promoted animals as equals.

The next woman spoke about finding your joy. This presentation was very powerful and had me in tears. She too did a meditative exercise and she told us that we were going to go to our garden. We did some breathing, in/out....in/out and she counted down from 10 to 1 and she said that as we counted down that we were to envision going down step by step and that when we got to the bottom we would be in our garden.

In my vision, when I was still at the top of the stairs I could see clearly the landscape before me. I was at the top of a hill and it was desolate. Nothing but just bare dirt and there were really no landmarks anwhere in sight. The thing is though, that at the edge of the hill were tree tops and these trees filled this horseshoe shaped indent in the hill. So I walked down those stairs one by one and when I got to the bottom my grandmother and my great aunt were there. They were sitting on these lush and plush white almost bean bag looking things but they weren't bean bags but they weren't exactly a sofa either. And the garden! It was spectacular and at the end of the garden was the beach. This was a cove. And that beach is all the heaven that I've ever been to in my dreams.

Let me tell you about one of those dreams....

I was at home and opened the backdoor. Instead of my yard, there was nothing but water as far as the eye could see. I became alarmed because I thought we had a flood. I ran to the front door and when I opened it instead of my frontyard, there was sand. It was the beach! I walked out onto the sand and smelled the warm salty air. It was a perfect day. Sunny, some clouds to add character to the sky. And I walked out to the water and saw the most amazing thing. People were out there riding dolphins and whales! The creatures were leaping out of the water and crashing back in and people were on their backs with their hands in the air just laughing in delight. I swam out and rode with them. It was the most amazing feeling. I was so so happy on the back of a dolphin and I rode the waves with my hands in the air, laughing and crying at how happy I was. It was heaven.....

So I was just so struck by the fact that the heaven from my dreams is where my garden is and that the people I loved the most in this life are there tending to it until it's time for me to join them. Well she did another exercise in which she wanted us to focus on a joyful time in our life. It could be a singular experience, something on a regular basis. It just had to be where we found our most joy. For me the answer was instant and clear. Music. She had us envision going back to that time as we are now and ask our youngersleves a question.

Well the thing that came clearly to me when I remembered my joy was being alone in my room when I was a teen with my music. It was not safe for me to be out in the world because there was always someone wanting to harm me emotionally, psychologically and even sometimes physically. My childhood was hell because of the way I was bullied. Well I was back in my room with myself at 15 and I'm listening to Prince and I'm asking my young self about my joy and you know, when I often look back to those times, it isn't with happiness or joy. It's usually in pain because of how bad I was treated but there I was with my 15 year old self and I had no fear and I was happy in my little world and my young self was even confused how I could have doubt at 37 since I clearly didn't have it in that moment at 15. That was extremely moving for me because I just never saw myself as a strong person and there I was completely and fiercely strong.

The next presentation was by the man who invited me to see him speak. He spoke about finding your peace. He started with the prayer of St. Francis. Finally I am on familiar ground So he spoke from a Catholic perspective and my comfort level with the group fully kicked in because I realized that everyone was kind of coming from their own perspectives and that it wasn't just one thought/belief, it was varied and everyone was open. He closed the presentation with the ending of St. Francis' prayer. Another very powerful presentation.

During the time I have been finding my faith I have been very hesitant about connecting with others who may have the same kind of gifts because like in religion, there are a lot of scam artists in the psychic world. And I really don't want to refer to myself as a psychic, although that is a really big part of my gift. I am very intuitive, I have dreams, I get feelings and in extraordinary circumstances I will have visions or hear voices. I think that those of us who are gifted in these ways are given those gifts to use correctly and some don't.

I don't actually do anything to make these things happen, like cast a spell or mix potions or rub crystals or any new age kind of stuff and so part of my hesitiancy has been that since I'm not actually doing anything to try and make it happen, I don't want to introduce elements that might change the dynamics of it. I'm not saying that I think that anybody who approaches their gift in that manner isn't right, just that I didn't think it was right for me and I didn't want someone coming in trying to change my approach. I think the main thing that I actually do is just to remain open and listen and respond to that voice when I hear it. I am at the point where I know the voice when I hear it and when I'm holding that gift I know exactly how to use it, I'm just unsure how to grab it from nothing. In otherwords, I don't know how to manifest it without just waiting for it to come. I think that part is coming for me.

The next person to speak did a presentation on finding your power and this one blew me away. We did another exercise and in it she said to ask yourself on a scale of 1 to 10, how powerful you thought you were. I asked myself that question and I saw 4, which is kinda low But that goes back to my self esteem, which I'm in the process of repairing. Next she asked us to visualize a light shinging down on us and that being our inner light, our true self and to ask our light how powerful the light thought we were. Mine wasn't even a number anymore and there was a happiness and joy in that light and I started crying because ever since writing my article on my abusive relationship, people and things have caused me to see myself differently and I was seeing my true self and my full potential and it was glory.

The last person to speak spoke on compassion in business I mean of all things business?!. Wow! Just goes to show the varied aspect of what each person brings to the table. This was truly fascinating and excellent to hear someone who is pursuing their business aspirations and still incorporating their gift into it. Amazing.

So the night ends and I am really just blown away by what I had experienced and I understood that nagging feeling I had when I left work early that Monday before, and then went to the bar I never go to on a Monday, and then honored that feeling I had to go and speak to the man who parked next to me. That feeling brought me into this group. Now I did not make that event that they had because it was just too short notice and I wouldn't have been able to make the whole day and I was really scattered and unfocused but that event was held 1 year to the DAY of when I heard that voice telling me to put the album Pisces Iscariot back when I bought my hard-drive the year before.

So I decided that I was going to go back to this group for the meeting they had last month and I decided that I wanted to do a presentation and I did! I did my presentation on the power of forgiveness. Now the woman who founded this group was like falling over in her chair:

Oh my God! We have people who are here 1 or 2 years before ever giving a presentation and you are giving one on your second time here?! I'm impressed I told her I wasn't messin around

So I did my presentation and I used the article that I wrote about my experience with domestic abuse and the article I wrote to commemorate the first year anniversary of my cousin Lisa's death. I spoke about my first memory in life being watching my dad beat up my mom. I spoke about the fact that I grew up witnessing all the women in my life being abused. Now most of the group believes in the stars, moon, time travel, all kinds of really new agey kind of stuff and I'm sure that when I got up to speak they thought I was going to talk about all that stuff but by the time I was done with that presentation, the audience was shell shocked

I spoke about how I grew up to make the same choice in choosing the wrong man and about my journey into hell. I wanted to do this presentation for 2 reasons. To bring the lesson I learned to the group as gifted individuals but also for those who do not operate on the same levels that I/we do. This message is good for anybody and really isn't even rooted in religion or faith.

After I had written about my experience with abuse, I did a lot of soul searching in the year after and I really battled with the fact that my ex was still on the peripheree of my life. Not usually directly invovled but he stayed friends with friends of mine and I would see him out and he would always want to be near me and I didn't want anything to do with him. Well I realized that my anger and pain were only eating me up. I realized they were like poison and that they served me no useful purpose. So I thought long and hard about him being in my life and after that year, I finally came to a place where I truly forgave him for what he did and more importantly I forgave myself.. For part of the soulsearching brought me to the realization that rightly or wrongly I chose to participate in that relationship. I stayed mostly out of fear and fear is a hugely wicked motivator.

Forgiveness is amazing for what it allows us to become. Forgiveness removes a wall. It destroys barriers and gives us the ground on which to stand righteously. It is important to forgive others but most importantly that we forgive ourselves. That is the first step that must take place in order to move forward. When I looked back on that time, I saw that I was a wounded person, that I was trusting to a fault and that I had the whole tide of my history behind me pushing me towards disaster. Forgiveness is a tool and helped me to no longer be swept up in the tide but became the lifeboat with which I could navigate my way through treacherous waters and onto calm seas.

We are our own worst enemies. We know the truth about ourselves and sometimes that truth aint too pretty. We know our true motivations and the things that drive us. When you look at your failings honestly, you can understand why you make the choices you make. Understanding leads to responsibility and being responsible for our choices and actions is the key to taking true ownership of our future. I'm not even coaching this in morality or God but choice is choice and choices have consequences as we all know.

One thing that I had to face about my past is that I chose to be in that relationship. Now I understand that I made the choices I made because I wasn't a whole person, a healed person and in many ways I didn't know better. But I do now. Rightly or wrongly, understanding why I chose to stay in that realationship went a long long way in helping me to face those failings and to know how not to choose that road in the future.

Nobody but you knows the inner workings of your mind and soul. Nobody but you knows your darkest moments and your lowest lows. Those things can be like ghosts, they can haunt us. Coming into knowledge of ourselves, which is what you are doing by being honest about the state of your feelings, and is the key to banishing those things that haunt us and keep us down. Before you can ever grace someone else with forgiveness, you have to grace yourself.

When I did my presentation, I spoke about how we do not have to operate from a point of perfection in order to acheive a state of letting go. Taking responsibility doesn't mean that all our future actions are going to be perfect. We are human and humans are imperfect by nature. But just because you stumble or fail does not negate the truth. The truth is the truth is the truth no matter if it's surrounded by more truth or not. The truth never changes. This is one thing I'm learning, that even in my failings, I can hold on to the truths that I have learned and that my failures do not change those truths.

I did not have the time to go into the details of my cousin Lisa's death but I did have a few remaining moments to tell the group that she was a victim of domestic violence and that is why my path is just so important to me and why sharing these lessons is so important. If only one person can be prevented from going down that path, a lifetime of work has been done. God, to be able to duplicate that is just something I want to be a part of and a part of me. In the beginning of the night when everybody was introducing themselves, we were to tell what our purpose in this life was and I introduced myself and said I would save that for when I did my presentation. So at the end I said that I saw myself as leader, teacher and healer. I read the end of my article that I wrote to Lisa:

The best way I can honor her is to focus and to bring peace to others. I know this is my calling. Thank you Lisa for giving me a beautiful gift, even in your death. I could never have imagined that could be so.
You will always be in my heart and i will honor you the rest of my life by bringing hope, healing and peace to others


The name of this Group is Heart Centered Speakers and I told the audience that I saw the group as a way for me to begin to fulfill my calling and as a way to make good on the promise I made to my cousin Lisa. My presentation was very well received and I did a question and answer kind of thing and this was really the first time I had ever spoken in public like this. I have spoke to friends but never in front of a bunch of strangers. And I chose not to use the microphone so I would have to be in that moment and be strong in myself and my presence. This was just simply so powerful for me to be able to do. Eventually I would like to become a counselor or incorporate that into my life in a real way and this is the first step in me doing so. One of the co-founders of the group explained that they want to get the website finished and then have some video clips and testimonies on the site and that they want to use the site to promote a stable of speakers and they are interested in having me on their roster!

Oh, forgot this one other thing. That person that did the presentation on compassion and business, who is the person who described the intent of using the website to promote the various speakers, well after that very first meeting I attended, she came up and asked what kind of counselor I was interested in becoming (I had mentioned that at the start,. that I wanted to become a counselor) and she asked if I was interested in family counseling and I told her that I was more interested in working with victims/survivors of domestic abuse and gay youth and she said she felt I would excel at that and she handed me her business card with the website of the school she went to and where she got her degree. She said that she had kept feeling all night long to share that with me. Her degree? Spiritual psychology

Now I have been really having a struggle as to where my future leads. Do I stay on my career path and have a comfortable life financially and make time for my passion or do I pursue my passion and hope that I can really make a go of it and not worry about being poor again. Well this was just confirmation for me because I had a talk with a manager at my work about 5 years ago and she got her degree in the same thing! It was funny because I went to talk to this manager about a business matter and once we were done she starts talking about all this gifting kind of thing and I'm like ....OK, where did this conversation come from???!!? and she was talking about her gifts and stuff and I told her that I had the same thing! And she said I know. I see a light on you, that's why I brought it up So in the fall I will be looking into pursuing a degree in this area

.
[Edited 3/18/08 14:00pm]

Erykah Badu just released an album titled New Amerykah and two songs struck me with amazing force.

The first song is "That Hump":

If I could get over that hump,
Then maybe I will feel better
Maybe I won't, Oh if I could get over that hump
then Maybe I will

Lord knows, Lord knows I'm trying
I'm tired, of this dope
it make it better, but it's dragging me lower
and I know it, yes, lord knows

But If I could get over that hump
Then maybe I will feel better
Maybe I won't, Oh if I could get over that hump
then Maybe I will

I just want to fly, far away....far away

OK..... This song hurt me so bad when I first heard it. This song rips my fucking heart out and puts it back stronger and with a divine purpose. Since my cousin was killed, there have only been a few songs that have moved the fuck out of me in relation to that event. The very first song I heard after hearing the news that my family had pulled the plug on the life support was Bilal's "Sometimes" I only got through 20 seconds before feeling as if I was going to lose my absolute mind. Me'Shell's "Jabril" spoke to me in the same way because that song is a tribute to those who'se names we shall not speak and my cousin was one of those people that society points at and blames for all its problems. That Hump has sufficently destroyed me.

While totally destroying me, Erykah STILL brought the healing..... The song transitions and she talks about her experience and she implores all of us to think about this one thing:

"What if it was you".....

That was the motivation for both those threads, to get people to understand the bad choices that people make and WHY they make them. I wanted people to understand the whole story so that the next time they pointed their finger at the weak and wicked, they might understand why they are weak in the first place and sometimes unable to make righteous decisions. When you don't love yourself, you never seek or expect others to love you. If you don't even think you yourself are worthy to be loved, you defintitely don't think you deserve that from anybody else. What if it was you? What if? Life is ALWAYS 2 choices. Life is forks in the road. People only know what they know and how can they recognize the beauty of one side of that fork when they have never ever seen it before? Can you blame someone for choosing what they know?

Today is my birthday and my whole life my birthday has been connected to joy, happiness and one giant party I always felt like everyone was throwing a party for me It's such a festive holiday for sure. Now I find this a time of great pain, and incredible introspection. I don't regret that though because through this pain I have learned so much about myself and my gifts. I am thankful to be here and to share my life. I still grapple with the heinousness of what happened. This song just reminds me of some of the hardships she had in her life. I imagine that her moving to the Bay Area was going to be a way for her to get over that hump. Then she was assaulted. And I think that after her assault, her coming back home might have been her way over getting over as well.

At 30 you still have a little of that immortality mindset left and I'm sure that she didn't expect to die. I think the hardest thing for me is just not knowing her thoughts in her last days and the fact that she died alone. I guess a lot of people die alone and that isn't what really haunts me, it's wondering if she had any thoughts before she died. Like if she wondered about us, if she thought about us, if she felt completely alone not just physically but in other ways, if she knew how much we really loved her. I hate thinking of her in that alley all alone and not feeling loved. The fact that she came home says a lot but still, there is so much I still can't get my mind around. And her killer still hasn't been found.....

Saturday I went to visit her at her resting place and I bought some flowers, printed out some of this article and bought a card. On the card was a mama ladybug and a baby ladybug. I sat and reflected on her, what happened and where my life is heading. There are so many things I never had the chance to say to her. I hope this is a way of telling her my love and I hope that she will help me in my journey to find my peace for myself and for others.


The other song that really really moved me is "Master Teacher":


I have longed to stay awake
A beautiful world I'm trying to find
See, I have been in search of myself
Oh it's just too hard for me to find.

Cuz I'm in the search of something new
searchin inside me, searchin inside you
What if there was no niggers, only master teachers?

I stay woke



Freeing the slaves.....and slave masters

We all know the historical context of slavery in this country. What I find so astounding about that lyric, coupled with this cover is the transformation that must take place in order for the slave to free the slave master. It requires a freedom not generally afforded through the relationship between the two. The master will never give the slave what is rightfully theirs. This is part of the message of forgiveness. Freeing yourself is negating the power of the master. Removing the control over those issues from your life is gaining control of yourself. And this is part of the work that I feel I am meant to do, and that is to help people to free themselves of the chains that bind them. To think of a once slave, elevating themselves to the point where THEY are teaching the slave masters. This is evolution, this is perfection, this is God.

Last year for me was a total learning process. Like I said, I thought that because it started so spectacularly that the entire year was going to be a piece of cake, and honestly, One thing I became conciously aware of last year is my anger. Even though many wonderful and amazing things happened that were confirmation of my gift and the path of my life, I had a lot of confusion. Confusion that even led me to the point where I felt totally disconnected to my gift, like I had lost it. I never feel that way with it. I might not always know it's working but when I think about it, I know it's there. There were some days where it felt like it was gone. The darkest time from last year involved a recurring dream where I was forced to kill someone in order to protect my family and when a situation happened that began unfolding in a psychotic and violent way, I thought that the dream was about to come true Thank God it didn't.

I am totally ruled by my emotions and for me, the last 6 1/2 years , especially since writing my first article, has been a maturing period for me. Hell, I'm 38 so it's about time huh? Well I absolutely must feel my emotions. As a Pisces this really comes naturally for me. It's the only way for me to stay connected to myself. Like many I can suppress my feelings but that is just bottling things up and I want to let loose and to be able to flow and not be stagnant and stale. That is what suppression does to me. However my feelings can be pretty untamable and part of this growing process for me has been learning how to put harnesses and saddles on the wild horses that are my feelings so that I am in control of them instead of the other way around. I haven't mastered dealing with my anger, but I really am trying to be able to feel that and process it the right way and not run people down in the road with it Any Buddhists in the house can tip me on this?

Well, I don't know that I will have an annual thread every year, some days it seems like I can't keep growing at this pace but who knows, maybe I can. I know for sure that I will continue to learn something from my cousin Lisa and baby Anthony even though they aren't physically here to teach me. I am honestly and truly thankful to all my friends who have helped me along the way and for being patient with me. I'm a work in progress

I love you Lisa, I love you baby Anthony.

Spookymuffin said:

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Spookymuffin said:

Don't make me get you banned!

Yeah, I'm a novelist, no doubt about it

Beautiful just beautiful Richard

btw it was great finally getting to meet you in Vegas

Edmonton, Alberta - -
It's about to get deep ya'll, bring your scuba gear - Prince 1+1+1=3, -
"all seeing, all knowing - thats our luv - prb"

One of my few regrets in my recent life is not hooking up w/ you, Steve, Kris, Nat, and Luv in LV and just getting to spend a few min w/ ya'll AFTER the show.

Thank you so much for sharing. You are so wonderful.

Richard you win the Proustian award for the best and longest thread


But that was beautiful. Great read. And I'm honored to have been a part of it...

And thanks for the Alice Smith intro...my roomie is obsessed with her now. since I played her all day Sunday...

"...literal people are scary, man
literal people scare me
out there trying to rid the world of its poetry
while getting it wrong fundamentally
down at the church of "look, it says right here, see!" - ani difranco

PR

Supa,

I know there's something extremely deep and profound in all that and if it wasn't midnight, I'd get at it. But I will tomorrow...

Until then, in case this is something you need hugs for...

I love you so much.


Thanks for every word Richard.

Lisa and Anthony know.

Thank you...for all that you are and for your big heart to share it all. As I said on the phone last night - I'm so sorry I missed you when you called from the cemetary. When I got your message I instantly remembered what day it was. I'm glad you were able to seek company and comfort with your friends and Alice that night.

I can't wait to see you this summer!

Measure in Love
"May the voice of the child in you never stop speaking. May it fall like a gift from heaven, offering to dessicated words its splendorous burst of laugher, the salt of its tears, its all powerful wildness." Maurice Blanchot

I love you!

luv4u said:

Beautiful just beautiful Richard

btw it was great finally getting to meet you in Vegas

Nothinbutjoy said:

One of my few regrets in my recent life is not hooking up w/ you, Steve, Kris, Nat, and Luv in LV and just getting to spend a few min w/ ya'll AFTER the show.

Thank you so much for sharing. You are so wonderful.

I remember when you sent me the music...and the novel to go along with it

I still have that. :shug:

You are special.

Man, there's so many things I can relate to in your story it gets scary ...



you made me cry and I love it.

must be something 'bout being a pisces too then

TheResistor said:

Richard you win the Proustian award for the best and longest thread


But that was beautiful. Great read. And I'm honored to have been a part of it...

And thanks for the Alice Smith intro...my roomie is obsessed with her now. since I played her all day Sunday...

One4All4Ever said:

Man, there's so many things I can relate to in your story it gets scary ...



you made me cry and I love it.

must be something 'bout being a pisces too then

Rhondab said:

I love you so much.


Thanks for every word Richard.

TheResistor said:

Richard you win the Proustian award for the best and longest thread


But that was beautiful. Great read. And I'm honored to have been a part of it...

And thanks for the Alice Smith intro...my roomie is obsessed with her now. since I played her all day Sunday...

DiminutiveRocker said:

TheResistor said:

Richard you win the Proustian award for the best and longest thread


But that was beautiful. Great read. And I'm honored to have been a part of it...

And thanks for the Alice Smith intro...my roomie is obsessed with her now. since I played her all day Sunday...

The Resistor!

applekisses said:

Lisa and Anthony know.

Thank you...for all that you are and for your big heart to share it all. As I said on the phone last night - I'm so sorry I missed you when you called from the cemetary. When I got your message I instantly remembered what day it was. I'm glad you were able to seek company and comfort with your friends and Alice that night.