i'm sorry for your loss. i've never seen anyone die the way you describe; i wonder if the stroke impaired hyour grandma's reasoning and she was hallucinating toward the end? from what i've heard, that is not the usual way death takes us. take care of yourself okay. it's hard losing our loved ones.

[Edited 9/9/14 17:12pm]

The frightening ordeal that you describe is probably one of the main things that troubles people about the idea of dying. My mom didn't fight or anything but she did seem frightened. It makes you wish to be able to do something, anything to help and you feel so bad. She passed away while we went home to rest and get some clothes and food. When we got back to the hospice she looked very peaceful.

My grandmother died at home very peacefully at the age of 98...she never seemed frightened at all. She had told my mom a few days earlier that she was tired.

I wasn't personally there at the moment of dying though so I would be interested in other's experience of that too.

I'm sorry for your loss....take care.

I watched my father die.. I watched him struggle to breathe.. It wasnt "peaceful" to me... They turned off life support.. It was thee worst thing I have had to experience in my life thus far... The worst thing about the whole time.. He would stare at you but they told us he was brain dead.. Bullshit..

Families shoud NOT have to witness this...

I also watched my FIL die.. His was more peaceful.. But he was in such pain he wanted to die..

He was also hopped up on morphine..

[Edited 9/9/14 17:39pm]

tinaz said:

I watched my father die.. I watched him struggle to breathe.. It wasnt "peaceful" to me... They turned off life support.. It was thee worst thing I have had to experience in my life thus far... The worst thing about the whole time.. He would stare at you but they told us he was brain dead.. Bullshit..

Families shoud NOT have to witness this...

I really believe that my mom was waiting for us to leave the room...she was protective to the very end.

I wish that none of us would ever have to endure that trauma.

babynoz said:

tinaz said:

I watched my father die.. I watched him struggle to breathe.. It wasnt "peaceful" to me... They turned off life support.. It was thee worst thing I have had to experience in my life thus far... The worst thing about the whole time.. He would stare at you but they told us he was brain dead.. Bullshit..

Families shoud NOT have to witness this...

I really believe that my mom was waiting for us to leave the room...she was protective to the very end.

I wish that none of us would ever have to endure that trauma.

i'm really sorry to hear that it was such a distressing experience, for you, your nan & family.

however to answer your question, i can reassure you that the behaviour you saw isn't unusual.

agitation is usually always experienced by people who are near end of life & for that reason doctors/nurses are equipt to manage those symptoms accordingly, with medication.

i wonder however if your nan's condition had deteriorated suddenly, it's possible that she had already suffered a small stroke from which she recovered quickly & then went on to have the more serious stroke.

this would have affected her thought processes & made her feel very disorientated which is why she behaved like she did, she was struggling to make sense of what was happening & there is nothing you could have done to pacify her.

her situation might have been difficult to manage because physically up until the stroke, she might have been very good even at 94yrs old?

it's only when disability or disease affects people's ability to eat & drink is when the body begins to fail & shut down.

it sounds like the staff did all they could as far as sedation goes, but it's frustrating when it's not achieved well, death should be dignified.

about her mouth, every mouth gapes when people die. in the old days, mouths were held shut by bandaging under the chin & around the head! sometimes a pillow placed under chin will help to prevent the gaping. when we see people in their coffins looking ok it's because their mouths have been sewn closed

at least now she's in that better place & you know you supported her until the end. it's always an exhausting experience.

i will add though that i've seen lots of deaths & i'm not afraid of dying.. providing symptoms are managed well, death will be peaceful, dignified & painfree. what you saw with your nan was very unfortunate x

[Edited 9/10/14 0:21am]

tinaz said:

babynoz said:

I really believe that my mom was waiting for us to leave the room...she was protective to the very end.

I wish that none of us would ever have to endure that trauma.

Thanks....I was getting a little spooked even though I appreciate the importance of topics like this.

Superfan1984 said:

Yes, Excited, you seem to have summed it up. She was very well for a 94 year old. Not one thing wrong with her until right before the end when she had some fluid build up around her heart and then, suddenly, a stroke in the night and then it was down hill from there. I guess she was disorientated and all that she knew aout Jesus and no fear of death just left her consiousness. I guess I'm just so freaked out by it all because she just seemed to be really pulled from her body in a way that I had imagined to be more peaceful of a process. And the mouth- yes, I knew they were sewed shut at funeral homes but I only thought to keep them from opening partway, I didn't realize that you "give up the ghost" in such a dramatic way. She was 94 so I can deal with her passing and I was able to say all my goodbyes to her and her to me, it's just the process that was so so extreme, I guess I'll just have to come to terms with it. :/

I can see why it would freak you out. I makes me wonder about a number of things too. I never knew about the mouth opening and being sewn but I have heard that there is one big exhale at the moment of death. "Giving up the ghost", as you put it.

Ive also heard that at birth the actual soul/consciousness of the individual enters the body at the first inhalation even though the body is already functioning.

Part of the funerary procedure performed by the ancient Egyptians was the "opening of the mouth" ceremony....hmmm.

Yoga also teaches that the soul or consciousness is associated with the breath.

These are some ancient ideas.

I lost my mother a year ago

She fell and broke her hip

she failed to thrive for 5 months

in a slkilled nursing facilty

She was 88 I miss you Mom

The bible tells us why we grow

old and die, (because Adam sinned

against God) it also tells us

about a physical resurrection

back to this earth in a paradise condition

We will be reunited with our dead loved ones

Adam was created perfect, but lost

that wheh he disobeyed god then

when god made him leave the Garden of Eden

he started growing old and then died.

We are all decendants of Adam, so therefore

we inherited his sin, we are all sinners

but the good news is Jesus perfect flesh

paid the ransom for our salvation through

his shed blood to pay for what Adam had lost.

Because Jesus was perfect also he was able

to make that exchange for Adams perfection

Study the Bible

you will never have to feel the

hopelessness that comes with death

althought it still hurts and is very painful

the knowlegde the bible provides to us

is truly comforting that you will

see your mother again in perfect

health and she will be able to tell

you what she was feeling before she died

[Edited 9/10/14 13:11pm]

Both my parents passed peacefully, but the most comforting story is that of my maternal grandfather.

He died of cancer, and was bedridden at home when he died. For the last few days, he couldn't talk or move.

The day before he died, my mom was sitting with him. He looked into her eyes, and in a perfectly clear and normal speaking voice told her, "Don't worry, honey. I've seen where I'm going and it's going to be OK". Those were the last words he ever spoke.

And he wasn't a church-going Christian, either.

So experiences vary somewhat according to the condition and disposition of the person? Some are more impacted by the physical aspects moreso than the mental/emotional issues and for others it's the opposite?

I'm trying to figure out if there's a set of characteristics that apply across the board? Not that any of us want first hand knowledge of this anytime soon.

RodeoSchro said:

Both my parents passed peacefully, but the most comforting story is that of my maternal grandfather.

He died of cancer, and was bedridden at home when he died. For the last few days, he couldn't talk or move.

The day before he died, my mom was sitting with him. He looked into her eyes, and in a perfectly clear and normal speaking voice told her, "Don't worry, honey. I've seen where I'm going and it's going to be OK". Those were the last words he ever spoke.

And he wasn't a church-going Christian, either.

Thanks for that...

babynoz said:

TD3 said:

babynoz said:

So experiences vary somewhat according to the condition and disposition of the person? Some are more impacted by the physical aspects moreso than the mental/emotional issues and for others it's the opposite?

I'm trying to figure out if there's a set of characteristics that apply across the board? Not that any of us want first hand knowledge of this anytime soon.

That's a good question. In our case, my aunt and my dad passed away from different aliment(s). Could it be their respective illness caused the body to react differently? I'm not sure... My father wasn't afraid to die nor was his father; his sister on the other hand was afraid and anger almost towards the end.

That's how it was with my godfather...according to his wife he was very afraid and fought death till the very end. Because of that she said he had a very hard death.

It seems like more fear makes it worse but how does one overcome that fear I wonder?

My condolences also. My brother was with our dad when he died. He had been in hospice for about two or three weeks, and then the doctors told us he had only about another few weeks to live. He had lung cancer. We didn't want to leave him in the hospice in New Jersey to die because my brother and I both live in Maryland, so we brought him home with us. The doctors told us what to expect toward the end. I did get to see him the day before he died, and he was unable to talk or move. I would rub his head and try to feed him liquids with that sponge thing, but he was unable to swallow. He died at 3:00 AM on Thanksgiving eve. I asked my brother to tell me all the details, and he said, "I'm only going to detail this once, and then I don't want to talk about it ever again." He said Daddy started labored breathing and just before he died, he cried out, not really in pain, but sort of surprise. I was hoping that meant he saw the light and his mother, father, sister and brother welcoming him home.

This is sort of funny, but sad. I remember before he got to the point he couldn't talk, I was sitting with him while he was in his bed. We were watching TV. All of sudden Daddy said, "Did Bugs Bunny come up in here when I was dead?" It shocked me and scared me at the same time. Another time I asked him how he was feeling and he said, "I'm fine. I'm making a nail." I asked him, "What kind of a nail?" and he said, "You know the kind you hammer out of iron." And yet another incident happend when he told me after the hospice nurse visited him, she got very upset and was crying when she left. When I talked to the nurse I asked her if that was true and she said, "Oh no, dear. He must have been hallucinating. That happens toward the end." After he died and I got to see him before the coroner took his body, I was of course crying and very upset. Maybe Daddy foresaw that. To this day, I will cry when I think about how much I miss him, and he died back in 2001. It really never stops hurting. I lovd him so much. He was my hero.

PURplEMaPLeSyrup said:

Just trying to more fully understand the situation -- was her vision greatly affected by the stroke? Or maybe it fluctuated -- sometimes being able to look into your eyes but other times blurry? I know i've read that a stroke is disorienting to the senses to say the least. That would explain a lot, i think, if her vision was lowered and she was unable to speak, and maybe unsure which world she was in, then that would be a confusing period of time until she did pass. If she thought she had already crossed over and was unable to tell what was going on, then that would explain her discomfort. Easy for me to say, but i feel strongly that she is in a bliss now that forever outshines those confusing days. I'll venture to compare it again to the birth process, and this world we knew was just a womb from which we enter a more glorious place, and the often excruciating labor pains are soon overcome and rendered of little significance compared to a New life. Well, that's my belief. But i wish it had been easier for her, and wish you much healing about it all. It just seems like it was a temporary uncertainty of what part of her journey she was in. This body really is a husk - it's the spirit that makes it beautiful.

such a comforting thought