What

[Edited 11/12/13 5:56am]

[Edited 11/12/13 5:56am]

Yes, of course, they do all the time.

The difference has to do with the reasons for the affair.

Pure lust/sex can be forgiven. When the partner has "checked out" of the relationship and finds emotional fulfillment elsewhere...THAT is the kiss-of-death for the relationship.

It all depends on whether or not BOTH partners are willing/able to fix the broken relationship.


My 2¢

Yes.

PurpleJedi said:

ZombieKitten said:

PurpleJedi said:

Yes, of course, they do all the time.

The difference has to do with the reasons for the affair.

Pure lust/sex can be forgiven. When the partner has "checked out" of the relationship and finds emotional fulfillment elsewhere...THAT is the kiss-of-death for the relationship.

It depends on whether or not BOTH partners are willing/able to fix the broken relationship.


My 2¢

I'm hosting a thread for that

Why would you want your relationship to survive?


You both agreed to be monogamous.

One person chooses to break that agreement,
without giving the other partner any saying in it,
then the infidel party obviously did not respect the other person.

Why would you want to continue that romantic relationship?

If somebody makes decisions about your life,

that are very painfull for you,

without giving you the opportunity to decide for yourself,

he/she lacks respect for you and lacks the guts to tell you so in your face.


Why continue a relationship then?

Of course they can. It all depends on the factors and the people involved.

For me, personally, I would find it very very difficult to move on from an affair. My bf and I have talked about this more than once. I let him know that if he sleeps with someone else what he's saying to me is he's already decided our relationship is over, 'cause that's pretty much the way I'll see it. I would much prefer we talk about whatever is causing him to seek that elsewhere and figure out what to do about it first. If we can't work whatever it is out, then we can go our separate ways with our heads held high from there.

Still and all, I don't think you can say until it's happened. People make mistakes. Sometimes you can learn to understand and forgive and move on.

dJJ said:

Why would you want your relationship to survive?


You both agreed to be monogamous.

One person chooses to break that agreement,
without giving the other partner any saying in it,
then the infidel party obviously did not respect the other person.

Why would you want to continue that romantic relationship?

If somebody makes decisions about your life,

that are very painfull for you,

without giving you the opportunity to decide for yourself,

he/she lacks respect for you and lacks the guts to tell you so in your face.


Why continue a relationship then?

Because people are flawed. Because if you truly love someone you find forgiveness. Because sometime sex is just that - sex.

If the relationship is worthwhile, then it's worth the effort to overcome whatever obstacles come your way and hold on to the person who is allegedly "the one" for you.

If not, if the relationship is so deteriorated that it's bad for you...then of course it's time to walk away.

PurpleJedi said:

dJJ said:

Why would you want your relationship to survive?


You both agreed to be monogamous.

One person chooses to break that agreement,
without giving the other partner any saying in it,
then the infidel party obviously did not respect the other person.

Why would you want to continue that romantic relationship?

If somebody makes decisions about your life,

that are very painfull for you,

without giving you the opportunity to decide for yourself,

he/she lacks respect for you and lacks the guts to tell you so in your face.


Why continue a relationship then?

Because people are flawed. Because if you truly love someone you find forgiveness. Because sometime sex is just that - sex.

If the relationship is worthwhile, then it's worth the effort to overcome whatever obstacles come your way and hold on to the person who is allegedly "the one" for you.

If not, if the relationship is so deteriorated that it's bad for you...then of course it's time to walk away.

Yes, but the OP did not ask if your relationship can revover from an extra marital one night stand.

An affair is something completely different.

It starts with the one night. And in stead of talking about it with his/her partner, there will be another night. And then the lies, scheming etcetera start.

There are a lot of opportunities to talk about it with your spouse, before 'accidently' find oneself in an affair.


When I was in my early twenties and one year abroad, I cheated on my boyfriend of that time. I still regret that till this day. Fortunately, he did forgive me, and we got back together.


I don't know if I would 'forgive' somebody at this point in my life. Changes are that if I would be in a relationship, he would be older than 35. So, I would assume he's to mature for that kind of b**sh**

CarrieMpls said:

Of course they can. It all depends on the factors and the people involved.

For me, personally, I would find it very very difficult to move on from an affair. My bf and I have talked about this more than once. I let him know that if he sleeps with someone else what he's saying to me is he's already decided our relationship is over, 'cause that's pretty much the way I'll see it. I would much prefer we talk about whatever is causing him to seek that elsewhere and figure out what to do about it first. If we can't work whatever it is out, then we can go our separate ways with our heads held high from there.

Still and all, I don't think you can say until it's happened. People make mistakes. Sometimes you can learn to understand and forgive and move on.

Exactly how I see it too.


If I am very happy to be with somebody, but he can't promise to be monogamous, I might be ok with that.

As long as the choice is mine, I can deal with the consequences.

If somebody makes the choice for the two of us, by censoring relevant information, I don't think I would continue the relationship. I only want to be with somebody who shares some values with me. Respecting eachother's personal integrity is an important value to me. I don't want to be with somebody who thinks lightly about integrity and honesty.

My story:

Married 9 year. One child.

She spent a lot of time going to nightclubs, restaurants and sometimes holidays with friends.

I spent countless nights alone in bed whilst she came home at 5, 6 or even sometimes 7am

Still I let it go cos I love her

So early in the marriage I find a text to another guy. We get over it. It wa just a silly text right.

Then years later I see sexy emails on her facebook to other guys. We get over it. Just silly emails right. One of the emails reads "When I found out your wife was pregnant I thought it best to put an end to it"

Year later another email to a guy saying she has feelings for him. She denies anything is going on. Then days later shes in a car outside our house with a guy. Again denies anything. I find a mushy 'love contract' from this guy to her days later. We get over it.

Years of her nightclubbing later I have enough.

We break up but live together.

I try to reconcile and during this time discover she has been sleeping with a guy for 3 months. I am heartbroken.

We get back together.

We argue a lot. Police are called. I get kicked out.

We talk

We get back together.

We talk.

She confesses that the guy in the car was her lover for 4 months 4 years ago. She got pregnant by him. Had an abortion.

There were at least 2 others shes kissed and touched up.

My life as I knew it is over.

But I love my kid. I love my wife. I loved my life.

Hard to move out. Hard 2 move on.

In order for a relationship to survive an affair, both people have to want it to and both have to agree to move forward and both have to work to build the trust up again.

From what you’re saying, it doesn’t sound like your wife wants to be in a monogamous relationship. I’m sorry that this has happened to you and I wish you luck in moving forward.

Mandingo said:

My story:

Married 9 year. One child.

She spent a lot of time going to nightclubs, restaurants and sometimes holidays with friends.

I spent countless nights alone in bed whilst she came home at 5, 6 or even sometimes 7am

Still I let it go cos I love her

So early in the marriage I find a text to another guy. We get over it. It wa just a silly text right.

Then years later I see sexy emails on her facebook to other guys. We get over it. Just silly emails right. One of the emails reads "When I found out your wife was pregnant I thought it best to put an end to it"

Year later another email to a guy saying she has feelings for him. She denies anything is going on. Then days later shes in a car outside our house with a guy. Again denies anything. I find a mushy 'love contract' from this guy to her days later. We get over it.

Years of her nightclubbing later I have enough.

We break up but live together.

I try to reconcile and during this time discover she has been sleeping with a guy for 3 months. I am heartbroken.

We get back together.

We argue a lot. Police are called. I get kicked out.

We talk

We get back together.

We talk.

She confesses that the guy in the car was her lover for 4 months 4 years ago. She got pregnant by him. Had an abortion.

There were at least 2 others shes kissed and touched up.

My life as I knew it is over.

But I love my kid. I love my wife. I loved my life.

Hard to move out. Hard 2 move on.

You allow yourself to be treated that way. Time for you to take charge of your life. There is a saying "a leopard never changes its spots" ...... and she never has........ same shit over and over and over and over....... The thing is for a long long time, too long ..... do you want to continue living like this??? Are you tired of the same old same old shit??? My opinion is that you should get some legal advice, and move the heck out of there. Think about yourself, think about your kid, move on and be happy. Your wife 'made her bed' a long time ago. 9 years is too long.

You say you love her?? Try looking from the outside in on what's going on. You won't like it. I truly hope you find happiness, but you don't have that in your current relationship. And you trust her that much to stay in it? for what? What effect is it having on your child? Your child needs you, they cannot look after themselves, but she can look after herself. Don't worry about her. I wish you well

CarrieMpls said:

In order for a relationship to survive an affair, both people have to want it to and both have to agree to move forward and both have to work to build the trust up again.

From what you’re saying, it doesn’t sound like your wife wants to be in a monogamous relationship. I’m sorry that this has happened to you and I wish you luck in moving forward.

says she does.

Says she wants 2 make it work.

Problem is that the thought of her with other men coupled with the 'how I should have been a better husband' haunts me night and day.

True story. I used to wake up in the morning and think how great it is that I get to be me in life.

Now after nearly 6 months of knowing all this its hard to wake up. My only escape is sleep.

Everyday I look through house/apartment sales on the internet. I could buy easily. Move out. But would I feel worse? How can I abandon my family?

But again how do I work this out? How do I get back to that happy place when making my wife and child happy made me happy?

Mandingo said:

CarrieMpls said:

In order for a relationship to survive an affair, both people have to want it to and both have to agree to move forward and both have to work to build the trust up again.

From what you’re saying, it doesn’t sound like your wife wants to be in a monogamous relationship. I’m sorry that this has happened to you and I wish you luck in moving forward.

says she does.

Says she wants 2 make it work.

Problem is that the thought of her with other men coupled with the 'how I should have been a better husband' haunts me night and day.

True story. I used to wake up in the morning and think how great it is that I get to be me in life.

Now after nearly 6 months of knowing all this its hard to wake up. My only escape is sleep.

Everyday I look through house/apartment sales on the internet. I could buy easily. Move out. But would I feel worse? How can I abandon my family?

But again how do I work this out? How do I get back to that happy place when making my wife and child happy made me happy?

She wants to make it work?? And how many times has she said that. If she truely loved you, respected you, thought the world of you then that would of happened a long time ago. She likes going with other men. I think your trust for her has gone out the window - when there is no trust then there really is no relationship. What is the point of hanging on? You and your son should move out. And I think maybe look into getting counselling. By you and your son moving out, you would feel better about yourself and your son would be in a safe positive loving environment.

luv4u said:

Mandingo said:

My story:

Married 9 year. One child.

She spent a lot of time going to nightclubs, restaurants and sometimes holidays with friends.

I spent countless nights alone in bed whilst she came home at 5, 6 or even sometimes 7am

Still I let it go cos I love her

So early in the marriage I find a text to another guy. We get over it. It wa just a silly text right.

Then years later I see sexy emails on her facebook to other guys. We get over it. Just silly emails right. One of the emails reads "When I found out your wife was pregnant I thought it best to put an end to it"

Year later another email to a guy saying she has feelings for him. She denies anything is going on. Then days later shes in a car outside our house with a guy. Again denies anything. I find a mushy 'love contract' from this guy to her days later. We get over it.

Years of her nightclubbing later I have enough.

We break up but live together.

I try to reconcile and during this time discover she has been sleeping with a guy for 3 months. I am heartbroken.

We get back together.

We argue a lot. Police are called. I get kicked out.

We talk

We get back together.

We talk.

She confesses that the guy in the car was her lover for 4 months 4 years ago. She got pregnant by him. Had an abortion.

There were at least 2 others shes kissed and touched up.

My life as I knew it is over.

But I love my kid. I love my wife. I loved my life.

Hard to move out. Hard 2 move on.

You allow yourself to be treated that way. Time for you to take charge of your life. There is a saying "a leopard never changes its spots" ...... and she never has........ same shit over and over and over and over....... The thing is for a long long time, too long ..... do you want to continue living like this??? Are you tired of the same old same old shit??? My opinion is that you should get some legal advice, and move the heck out of there. Think about yourself, think about your kid, move on and be happy. Your wife 'made her bed' a long time ago. 9 years is too long.

You say you love her?? Try looking from the outside in on what's going on. You won't like it. I truly hope you find happiness, but you don't have that in your current relationship. And you trust her that much to stay in it? for what? What effect is it having on your child? Your child needs you, they cannot look after themselves, but she can look after herself. Don't worry about her. I wish you well

I think if it wasnt for my child this would be so much easier.

Thing is that I was brought up in a single parent family and I really wanted my child to have a 2 parent home. A happy home.

My child and I have bonded a lot over the years on account of me picking them up and dropping them off from school and so often being the only parent at home.

Her's the thing. She says shes changed and its differnt and that that stuff wont happen again. Thing is..it already has. No taking that devestating thought away?

And will I ever meet someone else?

Can I move on from my best friend, my travel buddy, lover, partner and a person who knows me deeper and puerer than anyone else.

I see mysef in a few months or years drinking heavily, sleeping around and having no real goal.

My goal used to be 2 make my family happy.

I wish I never found out any of this.

luv4u said:

Mandingo said:

says she does.

Says she wants 2 make it work.

Problem is that the thought of her with other men coupled with the 'how I should have been a better husband' haunts me night and day.

True story. I used to wake up in the morning and think how great it is that I get to be me in life.

Now after nearly 6 months of knowing all this its hard to wake up. My only escape is sleep.

Everyday I look through house/apartment sales on the internet. I could buy easily. Move out. But would I feel worse? How can I abandon my family?

But again how do I work this out? How do I get back to that happy place when making my wife and child happy made me happy?

She wants to make it work?? And how many times has she said that. If she truely loved you, respected you, thought the world of you then that would of happened a long time ago. She likes going with other men. I think your trust for her has gone out the window - when there is no trust then there really is no relationship. What is the point of hanging on? You and your son should move out. And I think maybe look into getting counselling. By you and your son moving out, you would feel better about yourself and your son would be in a safe positive loving environment.

I hear you.

Thing is that this I see this marriage as more than just me and her.

This marriage is one of only two marriages in my exetended maternal and paternal families in the past 40 years.

We are a symbol of it working. That it can work.

I hate that some of my family know what shes done.

I really dont want to start over. Invested so much in2 this marriage.

But my ego, pride, self respect have taken suc a blow

Mandingo said:

luv4u said:

She wants to make it work?? And how many times has she said that. If she truely loved you, respected you, thought the world of you then that would of happened a long time ago. She likes going with other men. I think your trust for her has gone out the window - when there is no trust then there really is no relationship. What is the point of hanging on? You and your son should move out. And I think maybe look into getting counselling. By you and your son moving out, you would feel better about yourself and your son would be in a safe positive loving environment.

I hear you.

Thing is that this I see this marriage as more than just me and her.

This marriage is one of only two marriages in my exetended maternal and paternal families in the past 40 years.

We are a symbol of it working. That it can work.

I hate that some of my family know what shes done.

I really dont want to start over. Invested so much in2 this marriage.

But my ego, pride, self respect have taken suc a blow

I suggest you seek counselling for yourself. Then you can see what your options are and what you decide you want to do. Another thing is if your wife is receptive to marital counselling. And get some legal advice for yourself.

Mandingo said:

luv4u said:

You allow yourself to be treated that way. Time for you to take charge of your life. There is a saying "a leopard never changes its spots" ...... and she never has........ same shit over and over and over and over....... The thing is for a long long time, too long ..... do you want to continue living like this??? Are you tired of the same old same old shit??? My opinion is that you should get some legal advice, and move the heck out of there. Think about yourself, think about your kid, move on and be happy. Your wife 'made her bed' a long time ago. 9 years is too long.

You say you love her?? Try looking from the outside in on what's going on. You won't like it. I truly hope you find happiness, but you don't have that in your current relationship. And you trust her that much to stay in it? for what? What effect is it having on your child? Your child needs you, they cannot look after themselves, but she can look after herself. Don't worry about her. I wish you well

I think if it wasnt for my child this would be so much easier.

Thing is that I was brought up in a single parent family and I really wanted my child to have a 2 parent home. A happy home.

My child and I have bonded a lot over the years on account of me picking them up and dropping them off from school and so often being the only parent at home.

Her's the thing. She says shes changed and its differnt and that that stuff wont happen again. Thing is..it already has. No taking that devestating thought away?

And will I ever meet someone else?

Can I move on from my best friend, my travel buddy, lover, partner and a person who knows me deeper and puerer than anyone else.

I see mysef in a few months or years drinking heavily, sleeping around and having no real goal.

My goal used to be 2 make my family happy.

I wish I never found out any of this.

I'm very sorry you have to go trough this.


Must be very hard and I hope you can surround yourself with good legal, psychological and social support very soon.

It's way to complicated to try to solve this on your own.


Maybe you can set different goals?!

For example;

* Make yourself and your child happy.

[Edited 10/7/13 8:18am]

dJJ said:

PurpleJedi said:

Because people are flawed. Because if you truly love someone you find forgiveness. Because sometime sex is just that - sex.

If the relationship is worthwhile, then it's worth the effort to overcome whatever obstacles come your way and hold on to the person who is allegedly "the one" for you.

If not, if the relationship is so deteriorated that it's bad for you...then of course it's time to walk away.

Yes, but the OP did not ask if your relationship can revover from an extra marital one night stand.

An affair is something completely different.

It starts with the one night. And in stead of talking about it with his/her partner, there will be another night. And then the lies, scheming etcetera start.

There are a lot of opportunities to talk about it with your spouse, before 'accidently' find oneself in an affair.


When I was in my early twenties and one year abroad, I cheated on my boyfriend of that time. I still regret that till this day. Fortunately, he did forgive me, and we got back together.


I don't know if I would 'forgive' somebody at this point in my life. Changes are that if I would be in a relationship, he would be older than 35. So, I would assume he's to mature for that kind of b**sh**

I think this is one of those language issues dJJ...to me an "affair" could mean a one-night-stand...but then again that's propbaly incorrect.

The way I read it...it could mean one or several "trists" if you will.

But I agree with your stance in general.

Thank you.

Apologies 4 any spelling mistakes.

http://prince.org/msg/100/401643

Mandingo said:

My story:

Married 9 year. One child.

She spent a lot of time going to nightclubs, restaurants and sometimes holidays with friends.

I spent countless nights alone in bed whilst she came home at 5, 6 or even sometimes 7am

Still I let it go cos I love her

So early in the marriage I find a text to another guy. We get over it. It wa just a silly text right.

Then years later I see sexy emails on her facebook to other guys. We get over it. Just silly emails right. One of the emails reads "When I found out your wife was pregnant I thought it best to put an end to it"

Year later another email to a guy saying she has feelings for him. She denies anything is going on. Then days later shes in a car outside our house with a guy. Again denies anything. I find a mushy 'love contract' from this guy to her days later. We get over it.

Years of her nightclubbing later I have enough.

We break up but live together.

I try to reconcile and during this time discover she has been sleeping with a guy for 3 months. I am heartbroken.

We get back together.

We argue a lot. Police are called. I get kicked out.

We talk

We get back together.

We talk.

She confesses that the guy in the car was her lover for 4 months 4 years ago. She got pregnant by him. Had an abortion.

There were at least 2 others shes kissed and touched up.

My life as I knew it is over.

But I love my kid. I love my wife. I loved my life.

Hard to move out. Hard 2 move on.

So sorry to hear this...it is a hard thing to go through indeed.

Your like AS YOU KNEW IT is certainly over, but it's the beginning of a new one. New experiences to be had. Maybe even a reevaluation of yourself as an individual and what you want out of life.

Never allow your divorce/drama to interfere with the relationship you have with your child.

Feel free to vent on here...it does wonders for you. Trust me.

PurpleJedi said:

Mandingo said:

My story:

Married 9 year. One child.

She spent a lot of time going to nightclubs, restaurants and sometimes holidays with friends.

I spent countless nights alone in bed whilst she came home at 5, 6 or even sometimes 7am

Still I let it go cos I love her

So early in the marriage I find a text to another guy. We get over it. It wa just a silly text right.

Then years later I see sexy emails on her facebook to other guys. We get over it. Just silly emails right. One of the emails reads "When I found out your wife was pregnant I thought it best to put an end to it"

Year later another email to a guy saying she has feelings for him. She denies anything is going on. Then days later shes in a car outside our house with a guy. Again denies anything. I find a mushy 'love contract' from this guy to her days later. We get over it.

Years of her nightclubbing later I have enough.

We break up but live together.

I try to reconcile and during this time discover she has been sleeping with a guy for 3 months. I am heartbroken.

We get back together.

We argue a lot. Police are called. I get kicked out.

We talk

We get back together.

We talk.

She confesses that the guy in the car was her lover for 4 months 4 years ago. She got pregnant by him. Had an abortion.

There were at least 2 others shes kissed and touched up.

My life as I knew it is over.

But I love my kid. I love my wife. I loved my life.

Hard to move out. Hard 2 move on.

So sorry to hear this...it is a hard thing to go through indeed.

Your like AS YOU KNEW IT is certainly over, but it's the beginning of a new one. New experiences to be had. Maybe even a reevaluation of yourself as an individual and what you want out of life.

Never allow your divorce/drama to interfere with the relationship you have with your child.

Feel free to vent on here...it does wonders for you. Trust me.

I REALLY appreciate this.

Thank you. All I have right now is my child, my torturing thoughts every moment of the day and I guess..you guys. Bless you.

i think yes, a relationship can survive an affair, especially if it's only a one night stand.

*

a long-term affair would be harder to adjust to. i might be okay with my guy sleeping about, if i were just one of a harem, and knew that from the beginning.

I'm sure it depends on a whole lot of factor. I'm sure a lot of long lasting relationship have lived through a few. I highly doubt any of them were perfectly idealistic the entire time. I think mutual respect goes a long ways sometimes.

Mandingo said:

My story:

Married 9 year. One child.

She spent a lot of time going to nightclubs, restaurants and sometimes holidays with friends.

I spent countless nights alone in bed whilst she came home at 5, 6 or even sometimes 7am

Still I let it go cos I love her

So early in the marriage I find a text to another guy. We get over it. It wa just a silly text right.

Then years later I see sexy emails on her facebook to other guys. We get over it. Just silly emails right. One of the emails reads "When I found out your wife was pregnant I thought it best to put an end to it"

Year later another email to a guy saying she has feelings for him. She denies anything is going on. Then days later shes in a car outside our house with a guy. Again denies anything. I find a mushy 'love contract' from this guy to her days later. We get over it.

Years of her nightclubbing later I have enough.

We break up but live together.

I try to reconcile and during this time discover she has been sleeping with a guy for 3 months. I am heartbroken.

We get back together.

We argue a lot. Police are called. I get kicked out.

We talk

We get back together.

We talk.

She confesses that the guy in the car was her lover for 4 months 4 years ago. She got pregnant by him. Had an abortion.

There were at least 2 others shes kissed and touched up.

My life as I knew it is over.

But I love my kid. I love my wife. I loved my life.

Hard to move out. Hard 2 move on.

This is rough right here

Another case I know of - the husband cheated on his previous wife with his current one. In the course of the current 15 year marriage, he cheated with the wife of his best friend and also another woman within a three year period. And who knows how many "emotional affairs"?

Home situation is: wife is grossly overweight, has multiple health issues, including bipolar. Is disabled from working. Her mother lives with them and is blind and incapacitated. Two grown stepsons who are still dependent (but able to work). To divorce would mean the wife would lose the one man in the house who will drive her around, provide health insurance for her meds, help look after her elderly mother, maintain the house, etc... He feels too guilty to leave; she would be much worse off without him there, despite his infidelities.

Marriages of convenience are *not* dead.

To me personally, the most heartbreaking part of an affair (if STDs and pregnancy are not factors) is the dishonesty... I think plenty of relationships could survive cheating, but for me, it would take time and lots of honesty and communication to rebuild the trust.