Ok people! This conversation has been going on at my job..can u be married, but in love with someone else?..Do you tell your spouse?..Do you leave if you are not happy?...

So what happens when you are in love with your spouse in the beginning, but here comes along someone else you may think is a better fit for you, or you come across the person who you were in love with in the beginning before you met your spouse that could have been something?

we are having heating debates on my job...so what can I take back to these coworkers of mine?

Of course you can be married and be in love with someone else. But I don’t recommend it.

A marriage is a conscious choice and effort. If you find yourself developing feelings for someone outside of that the right thing to do is take notice and stop. Remove yourself from temptation and dedicate yourself back to your spouse. The point of getting married is promising your partner that you’ve long since let go of any old flames and you will stop looking at new people you meet as potential partners.

Of course you will still be attracted to people and you’re allowed to have friends and whatnot.

Being unhappy in a marriage means you talk to your partner about being unhappy and work though whatever it is you need to work through with that person, not someone else. If you try your damndest and your spouse does too and you still can’t make it work then you can go your separate ways and then you’re free to date whoever you want.

You can ABOSLUTELY fall "in love" with someone else after XXX-years of marriage.

It's what you do with those feelings afterwards that determines what type of person you are.

Do you leave?
Do you stay?




No one-size-fits-all answer to that. It's up to the individuals to decide how to proceed.

Communication is the key. And more often than not, we find ourselves unable or unwilling to communicate once a marriage hits a major stumbling block.

IMHO - if you still have feelings for your spouse, and respect him/her, then you owe it to both of you to make an attempt to fix whatever problems caused your wandering eye to begin with. If it doesn't work, then at least you can part ways in an amicable fashion since you tried and you can retain the respect and trust which is important for ANY relationship (even if you end up as just friends).

When you lie and cheat and "try to have your cake & eat it too"...that's when things get nasty.

CarrieMpls said:

Of course you can be married and be in love with someone else. But I don’t recommend it.

A marriage is a conscious choice and effort. If you find yourself developing feelings for someone outside of that the right thing to do is take notice and stop. Remove yourself from temptation and dedicate yourself back to your spouse. The point of getting married is promising your partner that you’ve long since let go of any old flames and you will stop looking at new people you meet as potential partners.

Of course you will still be attracted to people and you’re allowed to have friends and whatnot.

Being unhappy in a marriage means you talk to your partner about being unhappy and work though whatever it is you need to work through with that person, not someone else. If you try your damndest and your spouse does too and you still can’t make it work then you can go your separate ways and then you’re free to date whoever you want.

this

you can fall in love, but you don't need to act upon that.

It's a good moment to analyze why you think the other person is better than spouse.

And see how much nonsense you are selling yourself.

Talk with your partner and work on your marriage.

Be honest with eachother.

Don't blame the other for your unhappiness.

Own up to your own responsebility and make it work.





When both spouse and you agree that it's time for a divorce,

do that first.

Fix your life up before you get somebody else involved in the mess of your life.

fred12 said:

Ok people! This conversation has been going on at my job..

can u be married, but in love with someone else?

Yes.

..Do you tell your spouse?

If you want to act upon it, yes.

If you know you will ignore it; no need to tell your spouse.

..Do you leave if you are not happy?...

Depends on the situation.

If there are no children; yes.


If you tend to blame the other and think you are not to blame: no, go see a therapist.

If you are dating: yes.

If you are married: no.

So what happens when you are in love with your spouse in the beginning, but here comes along someone else you may think is a better fit for you,

You think and talk about it before you act.

Analyze why the other is a better fit.

or you come across the person who you were in love with in the beginning before you met your spouse that could have been something?

Than you have experience with both, so you know what you feel.

The other person is not just a idealized phantasy.

It's unfair to your spouse to stay, while you love the other.

You will hold that against her/him.

Talk about it and listen to your heart. You know in your heart who you really love.

we are having heating debates on my job...so what can I take back to these coworkers of mine?

Your own opinion and know that there is no standard protocol.

Every situation is different.

[Edited 4/26/13 15:21pm]

It's called Polyamoury and some people can make it work...

Chile, love is not reason enough to put up with marriage.


But if you're not in love with your spouse, then why not?

Forget person #3. Why not persons 1 and 2? Focus on that.

Ultimately you have to ask yourself, how much money does my spouse make?
Do I enjoy this bling? Shit.

ZombieKitten said:

My client told me the other day a quote by Frank Pittman (he writes extensively on the subject of marriage and infidelity) that "marriage isn't supposed to make you happy, it's supposed to make you married" Looking him up took me to a site which I think was called marriagebuilder.com and they sure don't mess around with that topic! Worth a read.

THIS! But I love how Lewis Smedes put it.

“Anybody’s marriage is a harvest of suffering. Romantic lotus-eaters may tell you marriage was designed to be a pleasure-dome for erotic spirits to frolic in self-fulfilling relations. But they play you false. Your marriage vow was a promise to suffer. Yes, to suffer, I will not take it back. You promised to suffer, only to suffer with , however. You get you share of suffering from , willy- nilly, thrown at you. You promised to suffer with. It made sense, because the person you married was likely to get hurt along the route, sooner or later, more or less, but hurt he or she was bound to get. And you promised to hurt with your spouse. A marriage is a life of shared pain.”

Lewis Smedes, 1982.

Adisa said:

ZombieKitten said:

My client told me the other day a quote by Frank Pittman (he writes extensively on the subject of marriage and infidelity) that "marriage isn't supposed to make you happy, it's supposed to make you married" Looking him up took me to a site which I think was called marriagebuilder.com and they sure don't mess around with that topic! Worth a read.

THIS! But I love how Lewis Smedes put it.

“Anybody’s marriage is a harvest of suffering. Romantic lotus-eaters may tell you marriage was designed to be a pleasure-dome for erotic spirits to frolic in self-fulfilling relations. But they play you false. Your marriage vow was a promise to suffer. Yes, to suffer, I will not take it back. You promised to suffer, only to suffer with , however. You get you share of suffering from , willy- nilly, thrown at you. You promised to suffer with. It made sense, because the person you married was likely to get hurt along the route, sooner or later, more or less, but hurt he or she was bound to get. And you promised to hurt with your spouse. A marriage is a life of shared pain.”

Lewis Smedes, 1982.

Good stuff.

Adisa said:

ZombieKitten said:

My client told me the other day a quote by Frank Pittman (he writes extensively on the subject of marriage and infidelity) that "marriage isn't supposed to make you happy, it's supposed to make you married" Looking him up took me to a site which I think was called marriagebuilder.com and they sure don't mess around with that topic! Worth a read.

THIS! But I love how Lewis Smedes put it.

“Anybody’s marriage is a harvest of suffering. Romantic lotus-eaters may tell you marriage was designed to be a pleasure-dome for erotic spirits to frolic in self-fulfilling relations. But they play you false. Your marriage vow was a promise to suffer. Yes, to suffer, I will not take it back. You promised to suffer, only to suffer with , however. You get you share of suffering from , willy- nilly, thrown at you. You promised to suffer with. It made sense, because the person you married was likely to get hurt along the route, sooner or later, more or less, but hurt he or she was bound to get. And you promised to hurt with your spouse. A marriage is a life of shared pain.”

Lewis Smedes, 1982.

Not only shared pain, also shared joy.

I call those types of relationships, backtrack and the grass is greener infatuations. I totally understand how some people realize though they may love their spouse, they aren't in love with them, and their relationship have run its course. I've seen a lot of people leave long term relationships for this reason and they knew they made the right decision. The other group?

Not always, but many times those backtrack or grass is greener relationships don' make it... as the saying goes when the honeymoon ends the marriage/relationship begins. (IMHO)

============================

[Edited 4/30/13 22:01pm]

Adisa said:

ZombieKitten said:

My client told me the other day a quote by Frank Pittman (he writes extensively on the subject of marriage and infidelity) that "marriage isn't supposed to make you happy, it's supposed to make you married" Looking him up took me to a site which I think was called marriagebuilder.com and they sure don't mess around with that topic! Worth a read.

THIS! But I love how Lewis Smedes put it.

“Anybody’s marriage is a harvest of suffering. Romantic lotus-eaters may tell you marriage was designed to be a pleasure-dome for erotic spirits to frolic in self-fulfilling relations. But they play you false. Your marriage vow was a promise to suffer. Yes, to suffer, I will not take it back. You promised to suffer, only to suffer with , however. You get you share of suffering from , willy- nilly, thrown at you. You promised to suffer with. It made sense, because the person you married was likely to get hurt along the route, sooner or later, more or less, but hurt he or she was bound to get. And you promised to hurt with your spouse. A marriage is a life of shared pain.”

Lewis Smedes, 1982.

Don't wanna suffer? Don't get married!

[Edited 4/30/13 21:35pm]

TD3 said:

I call those types of relationships, backtrack and the grass is greener infatuations. I totally understand how some people realize though they may love their spouse, they aren't in love with them, and their relationship have run its course. I've seen a lot of people leave long term relationships for this reason and they knew they made the right decision. The other group?

Not always, but many times those backtrack or grass is greener relationships don' make it... as the saying goes when the honeymoon ends the marriage/relationship begins. (IMHO)

============================

Want to know what I've "learned" from those "grass is greener" scenarios?

The person who leaves for greener pastures (usually) becomes a "changed person" and then goes ahead and does things for that new "love" that they were not willing to do for their spouse, and which if they had, would've solved alot of the problems that drove them apart.

If you make a vow or commitment in front of your friends and family, then jump ship when soemthing better comes along...sorry, but you're a piece of shit. Karma does not play!

NEXT!

VERY WELL SAID!

PurpleJedi said:

You can ABOSLUTELY fall "in love" with someone else after XXX-years of marriage.

It's what you do with those feelings afterwards that determines what type of person you are.

Do you leave?
Do you stay?




No one-size-fits-all answer to that. It's up to the individuals to decide how to proceed.

Communication is the key. And more often than not, we find ourselves unable or unwilling to communicate once a marriage hits a major stumbling block.

IMHO - if you still have feelings for your spouse, and respect him/her, then you owe it to both of you to make an attempt to fix whatever problems caused your wandering eye to begin with. If it doesn't work, then at least you can part ways in an amicable fashion since you tried and you can retain the respect and trust which is important for ANY relationship (even if you end up as just friends).

When you lie and cheat and "try to have your cake & eat it too"...that's when things get nasty.