I don't get that "You have to be happy with yourself first." Yes of course it's nicer to be happy, but why should that be necessary before starting a relationship? Because you attract less people when you are unhappy? Not my experience at all . Because a relationship won't last when you are not happy before you start it? Also not my experience. I was very unhappy when I met my ex and once I was with him I was a lot happier and we had a happy 17 year long relationship. If I would have waited until I was happy on my own I'd probably still be alone in my mid-40s now.

CarrieMpls said:

JustErin said:

Yeah, there is no way I could go years without a man(men) in my life. No way.

I might not be ready right now to jump back into something again, but I know I would never be content being alone.

I honestly can't understand how people can be happy without a partner in their life. Not being disrespectful, just saying I don't understand.

I honestly can't understand how people think they can't be happy alone. No disrespect there either.

Because life alone can not compare at all to being in a happy relationship. No family or friends can make up for that at all, at least not for me.

Shyra said:

nursev said:

Never been one of those people that just need to be with somebody-My best friend is like that. Bad relationships with both men and women and just never learned to like/love herself and be content.

See. This is me, too. I haven't been in a relationship in years. I have no tolerance for bullshit. When I was actively looking to get involved, I ended up making bad choices. Now I am content to be single and hassle free. I enjoy my own company and I don't need a man to define who I am or to make me happy. I create my own joy.

U described this perfectly...just the way I am. Make ur own joy and stop expecting a man to make u happy.

chocolate1 said:

CarrieMpls said:

I honestly can't understand how people think they can't be happy alone. No disrespect there either.

Carrie, I remember when you first posted about your boyfriend and how happy you were.

I'm not saying you weren't happy before you met him, but isn't the happiness you've shared with him better?

I'm generally happy...

BUT it gets boring, it can be lonely, and I'm not into random sexual encounters and one-night stands. Having someone to spend time with, and share things with is nice.

It's not "better", just different. I am incredibly happy to have found him. And I'm very happy WITH him and now that we're together I don't want to think about being apart. But if I'd never met him I wouldn't be any the wiser. I'd be missing a great relationship, sure, but there are other things I'd be doing that I'm giving up to be with him. It's a loss of independence, that's for sure. But it's totally worth it.

He and I have talked about this too. Our lives are better for having each other in it, but that doesn't mean we wouldn't have had a happy life if we'd never met.

And I'm pretty sure if I hadn't met him I'd still be alone now. And just fine.

Serious said:

CarrieMpls said:

I honestly can't understand how people think they can't be happy alone. No disrespect there either.

Because life alone can not compare at all to being in a happy relationship. No family or friends can make up for that at all, at least not for me.

I'd rather be alone than in the wrong relationship, though. Not everyone meets the partner of their dreams. And if you don't, why settle? And why not choose to be happy?

CarrieMpls said:

Serious said:

Because life alone can not compare at all to being in a happy relationship. No family or friends can make up for that at all, at least not for me.

I'd rather be alone than in the wrong relationship, though. Not everyone meets the partner of their dreams. And if you don't, why settle? And why not choose to be happy?

Interesting points....I'd rather be in an unhappy relationship with a man I love than alone. But I agree that being with somebody just to not be alone is not a good idea and I hope I won't ever do that in my life .

IMO you cannot choose to be happy, you can only try to make the best out of situations.

Serious said:

I don't get that "You have to be happy with yourself first." Yes of course it's nicer to be happy, but why should that be necessary before starting a relationship? Because you attract less people when you are unhappy? Not my experience at all . Because a relationship won't last when you are not happy before you start it? Also not my experience. I was very unhappy when I met my ex and once I was with him I was a lot happier and we had a happy 17 year long relationship. If I would have waited until I was happy on my own I'd probably still be alone in my mid-40s now.

No, the meaning of that phrase is that you have to accept yourself for who you are, like yourself as an individual, and have fulfillment. That doesn't mean that you can't be "sad" or "lonely"...but just don't try to find "fulfillment" by being with someone. A partner brings love and companionship and all that...doesn't fix any problems that you may have lurking beneath your skin.

That's how I take that phrase.

And trust me, it's not an easy task.

PurpleJedi said:

Serious said:

I don't get that "You have to be happy with yourself first." Yes of course it's nicer to be happy, but why should that be necessary before starting a relationship? Because you attract less people when you are unhappy? Not my experience at all . Because a relationship won't last when you are not happy before you start it? Also not my experience. I was very unhappy when I met my ex and once I was with him I was a lot happier and we had a happy 17 year long relationship. If I would have waited until I was happy on my own I'd probably still be alone in my mid-40s now.

No, the meaning of that phrase is that you have to accept yourself for who you are, like yourself as an individual, and have fulfillment. That doesn't mean that you can't be "sad" or "lonely"...but just don't try to find "fulfillment" by being with someone. A partner brings love and companionship and all that...doesn't fix any problems that you may have lurking beneath your skin.

That's how I take that phrase.

And trust me, it's not an easy task.

Agree.

CarrieMpls said:

Serious said:

Because life alone can not compare at all to being in a happy relationship. No family or friends can make up for that at all, at least not for me.

I'd rather be alone than in the wrong relationship, though. Not everyone meets the partner of their dreams. And if you don't, why settle? And why not choose to be happy?

I totally agree with all of your posts. Only human who is guaranteed to stick with you is yourself, so I think it's best to come to some sort of solo-happiness first and formost rather than having the fulfillment of your life be dependent on someone else.

Should have stopped about twenty years ago.

[Edited 8/25/12 9:05am]

I 99% agree with Carrie.

I think happiness is really something only you can be responsible for.

I remember in some of my most intense relaitionships feeling depressed at points, and there wasn't anything my partner could do about it. They weren't responsible for the lows, but now that I look back, they weren't responsible for my highs either. It was all me.

I do feel though that all those people that you're so attracted to...all those qualities that you crave...well, become those qualities (minus the cock of vagina you might not posses of course), and you'll be far happier.

That being said, I'm striving for a dirty-old-man approach now. Date far far younger, so that when it falls apart, they're hurt more than you. Plus younger folks are fine as hell, and they don't always know it.

JustErin said:Yeah, there is no way I could go years without a man(men) in my life. No way.

I might not be ready right now to jump back into something again, but I know I would never be content being alone.

I honestly can't understand how people can be happy without a partner in their life. Not being disrespectful, just saying I don't understand.

Speaking for myself, I'm happier being alone. It's been years since my last relationship. Don't miss it at all. Different strokes for different folks.

CarrieMpls said:

chocolate1 said:

Carrie, I remember when you first posted about your boyfriend and how happy you were.

I'm not saying you weren't happy before you met him, but isn't the happiness you've shared with him better?

I'm generally happy...

BUT it gets boring, it can be lonely, and I'm not into random sexual encounters and one-night stands. Having someone to spend time with, and share things with is nice.

It's not "better", just different. I am incredibly happy to have found him. And I'm very happy WITH him and now that we're together I don't want to think about being apart. But if I'd never met him I wouldn't be any the wiser. I'd be missing a great relationship, sure, but there are other things I'd be doing that I'm giving up to be with him. It's a loss of independence, that's for sure. But it's totally worth it.

He and I have talked about this too. Our lives are better for having each other in it, but that doesn't mean we wouldn't have had a happy life if we'd never met.

And I'm pretty sure if I hadn't met him I'd still be alone now. And just fine.

This pretty much describes my own perspective and experience. Am I happy now that I have my man in my life--you bet. But I was also having a ball with life and kicking my heels up quite a bit when I met him, and that was fine too.

Ottensen said:

CarrieMpls said:

It's not "better", just different. I am incredibly happy to have found him. And I'm very happy WITH him and now that we're together I don't want to think about being apart. But if I'd never met him I wouldn't be any the wiser. I'd be missing a great relationship, sure, but there are other things I'd be doing that I'm giving up to be with him. It's a loss of independence, that's for sure. But it's totally worth it.

He and I have talked about this too. Our lives are better for having each other in it, but that doesn't mean we wouldn't have had a happy life if we'd never met.

And I'm pretty sure if I hadn't met him I'd still be alone now. And just fine.

This pretty much describes my own perspective and experience. Am I happy now that I have my man in my life--you bet. But I was also having a ball with life and kicking my heels up quite a bit when I met him, and that was fine too.

My point is simply that once you've found someone, it's all well and good to reflect back and say that your life has been "enhanced", but it's not fair to tell someone who longs to be in a fulfilling relationship that it's okay to be "alone and happy". If it was that great, you (not you personally) would not have entered into your relationship...

And it seems that it's assumed that because we express the desire to have someone, we are not happy or out having a good time. It's just nice to have someone in our lives, too.

imago said:

I 99% agree with Carrie.

I think happiness is really something only you can be responsible for.

I remember in some of my most intense relaitionships feeling depressed at points, and there wasn't anything my partner could do about it. They weren't responsible for the lows, but now that I look back, they weren't responsible for my highs either. It was all me.

I do feel though that all those people that you're so attracted to...all those qualities that you crave...well, become those qualities (minus the cock of vagina you might not posses of course), and you'll be far happier.

That being said, I'm striving for a dirty-old-man approach now. Date far far younger, so that when it falls apart, they're hurt more than you. Plus younger folks are fine as hell, and they don't always know it.

Yep, me to, I'm with Carrie, PupleJedi, Beautifulstar, Shyra and Nursev.

It's my responsebility to find out what makes me happy and then it's up to me to orchestrate that kind of life for myself.

The good thing about that is that I know best what makes myself happy. So, I'm much more suitable than anybody else to provide myself with my needs.

However, still, I also miss it to be that special one for somebody else. I miss to be loved and wanted by the person that I love and want.

I'm writing this while I'm suffering from a bleeding hart again.

I would like to meet someone that I love and who loves. However, in reality, life is easier alone.

@Imago, there is this really beautiful young guy flirting with me. And it's clear he's insecure and I just say all the right things because I'm older. I know I could have a good time with him.

However, I also know that one of us is going to end up with a broken heart in due time.

Is it bad if I just jump on him anyhow?

dJJ said:

imago said:

I 99% agree with Carrie.

I think happiness is really something only you can be responsible for.

I remember in some of my most intense relaitionships feeling depressed at points, and there wasn't anything my partner could do about it. They weren't responsible for the lows, but now that I look back, they weren't responsible for my highs either. It was all me.

I do feel though that all those people that you're so attracted to...all those qualities that you crave...well, become those qualities (minus the cock of vagina you might not posses of course), and you'll be far happier.

That being said, I'm striving for a dirty-old-man approach now. Date far far younger, so that when it falls apart, they're hurt more than you. Plus younger folks are fine as hell, and they don't always know it.

Yep, me to, I'm with Carrie, PupleJedi, Beautifulstar, Shyra and Nursev.

It's my responsebility to find out what makes me happy and then it's up to me to orchestrate that kind of life for myself.

The good thing about that is that I know best what makes myself happy. So, I'm much more suitable than anybody else to provide myself with my needs.

However, still, I also miss it to be that special one for somebody else. I miss to be loved and wanted by the person that I love and want.

I'm writing this while I'm suffering from a bleeding hart again.

I would like to meet someone that I love and who loves. However, in reality, life is easier alone.

@Imago, there is this really beautiful young guy flirting with me. And it's clear he's insecure and I just say all the right things because I'm older. I know I could have a good time with him.

However, I also know that one of us is going to end up with a broken heart in due time.

Is it bad if I just jump on him anyhow?

If you're coming off of a relationship and you DO NOT WANT another relationship, pounce on him.

If you're the type of person where feelings always get involved---yeah, perhaps just harmless flirting is your thing.

chocolate1 said:

Ottensen said:

This pretty much describes my own perspective and experience. Am I happy now that I have my man in my life--you bet. But I was also having a ball with life and kicking my heels up quite a bit when I met him, and that was fine too.

My point is simply that once you've found someone, it's all well and good to reflect back and say that your life has been "enhanced", but it's not fair to tell someone who longs to be in a fulfilling relationship that it's okay to be "alone and happy". If it was that great, you (not you personally) would not have entered into your relationship...

And it seems that it's assumed that because we express the desire to have someone, we are not happy or out having a good time. It's just nice to have someone in our lives, too.

I actually don't assume people aren't happy when they express a desire to have someone. Human beings are meant to be relational and interdependent. I think everyone just handles their "alone" time differently- and that's okay, too. I'm just one of those people who greatly enjoys being solitary, even if I am in the midst of a loving, committed relationship. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but you know how it is, "different strokes for different folks" , and all that jazz.

When the sight of a naked man no longer makes you horny, that's when you should give up. As long as you continue to be horny, you're never too old.

vainandy said:

Ottensen said:

chocolate1 said:

My point is simply that once you've found someone, it's all well and good to reflect back and say that your life has been "enhanced", but it's not fair to tell someone who longs to be in a fulfilling relationship that it's okay to be "alone and happy". If it was that great, you (not you personally) would not have entered into your relationship...

And it seems that it's assumed that because we express the desire to have someone, we are not happy or out having a good time. It's just nice to have someone in our lives, too.

I actually don't assume people aren't happy when they express a desire to have someone. Human beings are meant to be relational and interdependent. I think everyone just handles their "alone" time differently- and that's okay, too. I'm just one of those people who greatly enjoys being solitary, even if I am in the midst of a loving, committed relationship. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but you know how it is, "different strokes for different folks" , and all that jazz.

No, I totally get it. I didn't mean YOU you.

It's just that I'm "seasoned" and still haven't met the right person, so I've heard the same stuff over and over for years... thus the "mini rant".

People mean well, but their "encouraging words" start to seem like a nice way of and moving on.

So has there been a consensus on a specific age yet? Like maybe 38? Or 42? Maybe even younger?
Because I'd like to know when the age for giving up on finding a woman is, but I think it's important that we come up with one on this side of the fence first. Y'know...
to set up a standard.





BTW, when we say "give up on finding a man", we're talking about a real man, right? Not one like Waldo.
Because there is never an age limit one should ever give up on finding Waldo.

Visionnaire said:

So has there been a consensus on a specific age yet? Like maybe 38? Or 42? Maybe even younger?
Because I'd like to know when the age for giving up on finding a woman is, but I think it's important that we come up with one on this side of the fence first. Y'know...
to set up a standard.





BTW, when we say "give up on finding a man", we're talking about a real man, right? Not one like Waldo.
Because there is never an age limit one should ever give up on finding Waldo.

I disagree.

If you're past the age of 25 and still trying to find Waldo, then it reeks of desperation. Counseling is recommended, perhaps even trying to find God/religion in your life.

Maybe my expectations are too high, a dude that looks like Tim Tebow would tickle my fancy

SeventeenDayze said:

Although menopause is still a good decade or so away, it seems like I feel like it's starting to be too late to find a nice guy and whatnot. It seems that after age 28, the number of single, available, sane, employed men exponentially falls off year after year.

I've never dated much in the past and don't know if I'm really up for it these days because so many guys are lazy in relationships.

I think I should give up, have any of you given up?

[Edited 8/21/12 18:40pm]

I have a guy for you, but you would have to move to Florida. He has all of his teeth, college educated, sane, understanding. He was too old for me, but he would be good for you.

SeventeenDayze said:

Maybe my expectations are too high, a dude that looks like Tim Tebow would tickle my fancy

I'm telling you, come to Florida!!!

bunnyscotcooper said:

SeventeenDayze said:

Maybe my expectations are too high, a dude that looks like Tim Tebow would tickle my fancy

I'm telling you, come to Florida!!!

Hmmmm, Tebow played at Florida, is THIS guy your friend?

chocolate1 said:

Ottensen said:

I actually don't assume people aren't happy when they express a desire to have someone. Human beings are meant to be relational and interdependent. I think everyone just handles their "alone" time differently- and that's okay, too. I'm just one of those people who greatly enjoys being solitary, even if I am in the midst of a loving, committed relationship. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but you know how it is, "different strokes for different folks" , and all that jazz.

No, I totally get it. I didn't mean YOU you.

It's just that I'm "seasoned" and still haven't met the right person, so I've heard the same stuff over and over for years... thus the "mini rant".

People mean well, but their "encouraging words" start to seem like a nice way of and moving on.

I get what you’re saying.

I have been alone for way more of my life than coupled up – it’s only been these last few years. He and I have only been together for about 2.5 years now. I had one long-term boyfriend when I was 17-19ish, another guy I fell in love with but it didn’t work out and a handful of casual dating scenarios that never lasted for more than a few months.

It wasn’t until I was about 30 that I realized I did want to find someone, but I really didn’t think I would, ever, for all kinds of reasons. I positively hated dating, I rarely if ever met men I was interested in and so on. So I decided that even though it was something I wanted, I wasn’t going to let that stop me from enjoying life if I never got it.

So, from my personal experience, that’s the best advice I can give. You don’t have to stop wanting a great relationship, but there’s no need to think that’s the only way you can be happy. That’s all I’m saying.

You can quit looking for a man, but that doesn't mean there aren't men out there looking for you!

Visionnaire said:

So has there been a consensus on a specific age yet? Like maybe 38? Or 42? Maybe even younger?
Because I'd like to know when the age for giving up on finding a woman is, but I think it's important that we come up with one on this side of the fence first. Y'know...
to set up a standard.





BTW, when we say "give up on finding a man", we're talking about a real man, right? Not one like Waldo.
Because there is never an age limit one should ever give up on finding Waldo.

still looking for jimmy hoffa too. don't forget jimmy

Stymie said:

I think you need to work on yourself before you seriously think about getting a partner.

See. This is what I believe. Some women get desperate trying to find that fulfillment through another person. That just doesn't make sense to me. It just seems sad that a woman does not feel complete without having a man. But I guess I have to understand that people are different, and that some need more companionship. I guess being alone is natural for me. I have always been a loner. Even as a child, I could sit in my room alone and play with my dolls, paperdolls or read for hours and be snug as a bug in a rug.

I remember my daddy calling me a "spinster." It didn't bother me at all; in fact, I laughed and told him, "Yeah, but I'm still fine and sexy as hell."

I could have been married several times, but I knew me. I knew that it would not last because I would eventually get bored, (I blame my Venus being in Gemini for that ). Plus, by a certain age, marriage seemed futal. I was past childbearing age, and to me, that's the main reason for marrying.

My brother never married either. He laments that there will be no one to take care of him when he gets old/sick. Hell, having children does not guarantee that they will take care of you. Who's to say they wouldn't end up putting his ass in a nursing home? I told him he needn't worry. I would take care of him.

Our mom used to say that she did not think that we were supposed to take care of her when she got sick and disabled. She felt she was being a burden. We never felt that way. We felt just the opposite, that it would be an abomination and a sin not to take care of her.