This is the first mix I have made in about 3 years. For mostly ridiculous reasons, I haven't had a burner and lost my mixing program. This project, while appealing to my sense of challenge, began as an absolute nightmare as it goes against every grain in my body. Aside from the vague 10 song choice, there really was no theme. I am one of those people that must have a mix make sense. Either thematically, lyrically, musically. It has to fit one or all of those criteria. I'm all about flow and cohesion so I truly battled with this project having nearly 50 contenders that didn't make the cut.

I was going to go totally scary on you guys and create a disc of inaccessible songs that, to me at least, are best described as haunting (try Tricky's "Overcome" for size). But then I thought maybe I shouldn't lead anyone to the cliffs but Moonsongs did such a mix so it was done anyway. I settled on ten tracks that have one thing in common and that is I have obsessed on each and every single one, the oldest of which is 17 years since I first heard it and I still never tire of it. I thought obsession was as good a reason as any to select 10 songs.

What I ended up with has turned out to be beyond my wildest dreams. Since there was no musical, lyrical or thematic vision, other than selecting 10 songs you feel need to be heard, I finally settled on my 10 songs. Then I had to battle with the sequence, finally settling on that. Despite coming into the project without any sense of direction, my soul knew and guided me on my way. I had no idea it was even at work.

I would never create this exact mix except for the vague 10 theme but over the months we've been doing this, it was revealed to me as the soundtrack of my adult life. I have tried to spare most of you my novels, but please bear with me when I get a little wordy. It's what needed to be said. I have traveled through time to understand this mix and my title reflects The Opening and the time needed for things to become:


Portal: The Garden that Grew From Hell



[list]


Covert Operations……

[*]01 Liberty City (Murk) / The Singles Collection - "Some Lovin"

Give some lovin, you want some
Give some, give some, loving you need some…….

You're so ungrateful
why do you hurt me so?
i tried to please you
i thought i'd never let you go
but all you've given me
is all misery and pain
you don't love me
you took my heart and love in vain

at first i was a fool
i never thought you'd be this cruel
you turned around and hurt me,
the things you made me do
all the heartbreak i went through
this love of ours is ending

Chorus:
If you want some lovin, gotta give some lovin
you need some loving, gotta share that lovin
gotta feel that lovin inside my heart, know that you are mine

you tried to play me
but i wouldn't play your game
you tried to tell me
that everything is still the same
i'm going crazy
i don't know whatever to do
don't think its easy
its not that easy leavin' you

just like my momma said
if you ever get misled
forget about your lover
you must always keep your pride
if you want to survive
there will always be another

(Chorus)

you were so special
couldn't get you off my mind
the day i met you
i thought you'd never be unkind

all the lovin'
that you gave me at the start
would be for nothing
'cause our love just fell apart

now my heart is free
i no longer have to be
a victim of your lyin'
i found a lover that is good
and treats me like he should
now i'm no longer cryin'

Most in this project will probably know about, and be familiar with my past. For those who are not, I have written about my experience with domestic abuse:

http://www.prince.org/msg/100/114206

Hands down, those were the darkest days of my life. In the madness, I heard a light. A light in the middle of the darkest tunnel I've ever been in. A tunnel with no end. In the darkness was this song… It became my mantra, my lifeline, my light and my strength. It was the first voice I heard confirming what was true and cheering me on to forsake the eternal trudge to the tunnel's end and to dig straight up and out of hell.

I played this song endlessly at home. At one point, and I think it was because he finally listened to the words, he asked suspiciously why I played the song so much. I just passed it off as just loving to dance to the song, and he bought it, but little did he know that a path had been laid before me in the form of this song. A path that would lead me out of his grip and towards the life I was meant to live....





A Thirsting Heart

[*]02 Alice Smith / For Lovers, Dreamers and Me - "Desert Song"

The time has come for me to start packing
I’m fooling the shards of my life into valises
I can’t stand this desert heat no more
I’m going away, I’m going away

I waited too long, to catch your signal
I counted the numbers, the letters, the days
Something tells me you’re, you’re not coming
I’ve got to go away, I’m going away

Now I’m writing you a letter and I’m making it long
Now I’m breathing, and I’m bleeding, and the pages are torn
Now I’m writing you to tell you I may go missing and lost
The sand covers my face

The sand covers my face
The sand covers my face
The sand covers my face……..

My mama said, life is for living
If you’re unhappy honey
Go out and reinvent yourself
The desert is god, the desert is god!
I've got to go away, Said I’m going away

Now I’m writing you a letter and I’m making it long
Now I’m breathing, and I’m bleeding, and the pages are torn
Now I’m writing you to tell you I may go missing and lost
The sand covers my face

The sand covers my face

As quickly as you can write the pages of your heart, the desert sun is there to burn them up.... The day I left my ex Paul, I gathered as much stuff as I could, in the 45 minutes he allowed me, to gather my things. During that time as I was grabbing my CDs, posters, personal treasures (what little that were left that he didn't destroy), he stood there the whole time telling me I would never be loved again and that I would go the rest of my life without anyone ever wanting me. I ignored him during those 45 minutes but after 7 years without having a boyfriend, I started to worry that he might be right as I wandered in the desert thirsty for love.....





Love Trinity: Body

[*]03 Maria McKee / High Dive - "To the Open spaces"

Faded moon like a sleepy whore, we belong
Faded shoe pedal to the floor, we belong
Wind, dry as a bone
Where there's a phone somebody's alone
Where there's light, somebody's drivin'
Goin' nowhere, yeah but we're arrivin'

Rollin' along sun-kissed and crazy
Oh to be young, drivin' with my baby
Rollin' along

Faded sky made up like mother, we belong
Did she cry, I don't remember, she is gone
Sweet desert air
Sweet in my nostril, sweet in my hair
Sweet on you, goin' where we will go
Even if we never get tomorrow

Rollin' along sun-kissed and crazy
Oh to be young, drivin' with my baby
Rollin' along

WE. BE-LONG. TO. THE. O-PEN. SPA-CES!
We belong, where hope puts a little sadness on our faces

By the bone, by the starlight, burn the map
Engine drones, it's a hayride, it's a gas
Fly catching wing
Burn the car, burn everything
Got my feet, got my thumb
Gonna beat, beat everyone

Rollin' along sun-kissed and crazy
Oh to be young, drivin' with my baby
Rollin' along

We belong to the open spaces
We belong, where hope puts a little sadness on our faces

Of course, my ex was wrong. I would find love again It only took 7 years though! This song is every freeing moment. It is thorough abundance. It is every ounce of hope. It is expansive, expressive and vast just like the sky. It is True L. O. V. E.






Love Trinity: Mind

[*]04 The Mechanical Forces of Love / Medicine - "As You Do"

Look at Me, I'm on fire
Can't deny I'm down to the wire
I feel up, never tire
Only one thing I desire

oooooh ooooh ooooh oooooh oooo

I smell good, like some flowers
never abuse all my powers
you're my sweet, don't go sour

love you for hours and hours and hours and hours.....

Distant sleeping peacefully, brother won't you come with me?

To Mars, From Venus: L O V E

Once love has become sky, there is a universe beyond for the heart to conquer. In the dark night Venus, cloaked in her gowns of cloud, shines brightly in hopes that all who have sight will glimpse her glory. This is Venus' Solar System Valentine






Love Trinity: Soul

[*]05 Lowpass / Spinning in Infinity - "Badang"

Baby
you have the most beautiful eyes
Oh no mistaking
you've taken my heart and you've made it yours

alright, oh yeah,

You move me so slowly
lay me down so gently
my body baby, I give to you

oh.....

My heart goes Badang

oh god oh god oh god oh god....
oh no oh no oh no oh no.....
oh boy, oooh yeah

Remember my face when you close your eyes
not everybody loves but everyone tries
oh,.....so good inside my heart goes

Badang

oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god.....

Now to the furthest outposts of our very existence. This is what it is to dive to the depths of your heart, unwrap your love, then seal your lover tight As infinite as sky and space, even more so the soul. Our lifeforce winds it's way through every fiber of our being as it rhythmically beats and washes with its tides, possessing with purposeful chime in pursuit of the truest meaning of life....

L. O. V. E.






A wounded Race....

[*]06 Siobhan Donaghy / Ghosts - "Don't Give It Up"

This pressing feeling
It's gotta implode, oh
We fight the feeling
But we can't ignore
Who can show us how
When what we want is right now

Don't give it up
I heal and hide
Forgive this hurt of mine
We all have the scars
To show

Remote controlling
This total ache, oh
Internally
It wants to destroy
Who can show us what
Will become of us

Don't give it up
I heal and hide
Forgive this hurt of mine
We all have the scars
To show

Don't give it up now
Just live it up
Don't give it up
And mess it up

Know what your doing
What you came here for, oh
You want to take them
Hold them down
Who can show us love
That holds no doubt

Don't give it up
I heal and hide
Forgive this hurt of mine
We all have the scars
To show

Fear and pain led me into the relationship I waited those 7 years to have. The first year of my relationship was full of rockets and bloom. At the time I met Greg I had been sick for 4 years and I didn't know what was wrong with me. A choice was put before me and I chose to see where the road would lead me, even though I knew there wasn't much promise for the future between us. Hell, I wasn't sure I even had a future for myself. But I thought I would be dead at 30 and I felt like this was my last chance at love so I took it. I couldn't say no.

Even though my body mind and soul were full of love, love wasn't enough to spare me from the pain I endured in this relationship. 7 months in, I was diagnosed with recurring appendicitis and I had surgery. It took me a while to stop living in the culture of death I had created in my own head and once I did I realized that I was no longer dying and I had to stop making choices as if I was and get on with the business of living. One night I thought about my future and knew Greg wasn't a part of it and I cried so deep and hard as I realized this relationship was going to be another failure added to the ash heap in my heart.

This lyric:

Don't give it up
I heal and hide
Forgive this hurt of mine
We all have the scars
To show

It strikes to my core. We all have scars. Each and every one of us. They are reminders of our pain yet they tell us we have healed.







Mine Eyes are opened

[*]Alice Russell / Under The Munka Moon - "Hurry On Now"

Now my road has turned to trash
Stones to pebbles see them, roll away
My wandering troubles near nuff break my back
mmmm sorrow is the price I pay

I sing my sorrows to the morning, I speak them to the night
You best believe I'll keep singin until I make my wrongs so right
Devil said a penny for your troubles to take your tired old soul
So you know you got to go

Hurry, to catch the morning
You got to, Hurry on now
And the night, how it has my sorrow
And it, no, won't be long now
Hurry

Now with blind hands I claw these lonely days
As my dry tears fall and roll away
I can't see troubles as they dance behind my back
Oooh sorrow is my song to slay

He stole my sorrows from the morning
He ripped them from the night
And you best believe I'll keep singin
to make my wrongs so right
Devil took a pity of my troubles, he holds my tired old soul
so I know I got to go

Hurry, to catch the morning
I got to, Hurry On Now
And the night, how it has my sorrow
And it, no, won't be long now
Hurry

Hurry on....


Early on, my boyfriend said that I would eventually outgrow him. As much as I loved him I never thought that could ever be true. He was right though. Ultimately I had to come to terms with the fact that this relationship, as much as I loved him with all my heart, was hurting me and would only destroy me if I stayed..... During this relationship I wrote my domestic abuse thread. I shared it with him and he never said one word about it. Never, and not one word.

There is nothing I have been prouder of in my life than writing that article and here he is without anything to say about the most important thing I have ever done. I can't describe how hurt and lonely I felt. I spent the last 2 years of my relationship trying to figure out how to leave. It was very easy to rely on the physical and to rely on the known. Leaving is always easier said than done. And still just as hard as the first time I had to leave a relationship that was not serving me well.

This is a philosophy that I have always believed in. I'm always going to keep singing to make my wrongs so right. ALWAYS. It's my way. And the devil may have his hand out waiting for me to pay for some comfort but I know so long as I sing my sorrows to the night they will be stolen and ripped from me. Replaced with greatness. I know it does not come without work, nor does it come without the devil expecting a price to be paid.....







For those who's names we shall not speak....

[*]Me'Shell N'Degeocello / Cookie: The Anthropological Mix Tape - "Jabril"

I could no longer
Hope
Wish or dream
As I watch the blood
Pour from me

I call for Gabriel
But he will not come
There are no more angels left
To comfort thee

My life's not lost
In war
Spiritual rebellion
There is no uprise

I'm a victim of
Hate, fear and greed
Can you look my in my eye?
Why?
Have you slain me?

Forgive me lord
As I die in vain
No
You have no angels to comfort me

Forgive me
Forgive me lord
As I die
No
You have no angels to comfort me

Another day
Another day
I shall not see
I shall not see
Or feel the sun, and earth
Beneath me
I don't wanna die alone
So afraid
Just stare at your farthest fears

Forgive me lord
As I die in vain
You have no angels to comfort me
Say
I forgive you lord
As I die

Have you no angels?
Have you no angels?
To comfort thee?
Say have you no angels
Take me home

I was blind
Now I see
That your words are fucked
There are no more angels left
To comfort thee

To comfort me
To comfort me

I forgive you lord

My Lord
Forgive me
Forgive me
Forgive me
I was blind
Forgive me
But now I see
Yeah, yeah yeah
I was blind
My weary soul
Now I see…..

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

This song is God's indictment. FINALLY someone willing to serve God his papers. The God that many people know is an evil God. A god without mercy and one with no justice. A vindictive God who is vengeful on the innocent. A god who's hunger for blood eclipses all the murderers in the history of humanity. My cousin knew that God and I pledge no allegiance to him. She died alone, in an alley with her baby left to fend for itself in the lifeless womb of the mother that would never have the chance to bring him into this world. The pure devastation I have felt over her death cannot be described and nothing in my life, not even my own abuse, could have prepared me for the absolute darkness of this event. I couldn't go near this song for a good year after she passed.

She died towards the end of my relationship with Greg. When she died, my ex was not there for me. I told him she died and he said he was sorry but that was the totality of it. I wanted and needed to collapse into his arms for comfort but it was to the point that I knew better than to try and seek anything emotional from him because he had proven over and over he wasn’t willing to give. I can't express the loneliness I felt. How can you be with someone and yet be so utterly alone?

When she died I was making the most amazing gains in my personal life, dealing with my abuse in a real and constructive and healing way and just like that, life slaps me in the face with the very thing I thought I was leaving behind in the past. That might sound selfish but I’m just saying that I was completely unprepared for her death and I was TOTALLY blindsided by it. Her death was the thing that helped me the most in deciding to leave. Here I am, a survivor of abuse and I'm in a relationship that isn't physically abusive but it certainly wasn't healthy. I could not in good conscience to myself, to her, or anyone else in a similar situation continue on with this relationship when she is dead because of one.

To this day I have not spoken to my aunt or uncle about what happened. Since Lisa died, her immediate family (mom/dad/sister/brother) have been cannibalizing each other in ways that would make peoples heads spin right off their damn necks. Now, I'm not even sure if it would make any difference to tell them how I've dealt with this because of how poisonous things have become between them all. Because I haven't spoken to my aunt/uncle, I have never really been very clear as to what exactly happened to my cousin. Basically I have pieced together the details through several relatives who have told me what they know.

A few weeks ago, my grandmother had a stroke and I went to check up on her. When I found this out my heart sank because there was so many things I wanted to tell her about my life, especially as it relates to my cousin's death and how I'm processing it. Her death has galvanized me on my path to healing like nothing else. Thankfully she was responsive and in good spirits and I didn't get to tell her exactly everything I wanted but I laid out the basics of it and she told me that I could tell her anything, that she could handle it and that anything I told her went no further than her.

Well I went to tell my dad good-bye but he offered me some food before I left so I had lunch with him and my cousin Ronnie, who is the brother of my cousin Lisa who died. During the conversation he said something that stopped me in my tracks. The next day I sent him a text asking him to send me an email telling me exactly all the details surrounding my cousin's death. At lunch he said she was with some friends when she died, but I was under the impression she died alone.

So he called me and asked what's up and I explained to him that for my personal peace, I really needed to know the truth about how she died. He told me that she had been assaulted in San Francisco and went to the hospital up there where they got the bleeding under control. This i knew. She left after 2 days and asked my uncle to send her some money so she could come home. That I knew as well. What I thought happened next was that she was back for one day and the next was found in the alley next to the house in a puddle of blood.

What happened the second day is that she contacted some old friends and was hanging out with them, slamming drugs. Old habits die hard. Sometime during their hanging out, she started to hemorrhage and being addicts, her friends took off and left her all alone to die. Nobody even called 911. She was found in an alley between some businesses in a pool of blood and the paramedics revived her. When they got her to the hospital, the doctors told my uncle that they couldn't save both her and the baby and that if they wanted to try and save Lisa, they would have to take the baby. My uncle consented to the atortion but that didn't matter. She had been dead too long and her brain had no activity, then her organs started shutting down and that is when my family decided to pull the plug.

The fact that she may have brought death closer by using drugs does not change the things I learned in these past 2 1/2 years, nor does it change the way I feel about how tragic this is and it doesn't change the fact that I love and miss her. Without the initial assault, which tore the placenta in half, she wouldn't have bled. I'm not putting this all on her. I will never know if she relapsed after her boyfriend assaulted her or if she was using the whole time she was in San Francisco. What I do know is that I can relate to being abused and while it's obvious I cannot condone her using drugs while she was pregnant, I can certainly understand it from a coping standpoint. When I was with my abusive ex, I drank about 20 beers a day at my worst. Anything to make the pain go away.....

I will never know if it was the drugs that started her bleeding or if it would have happened anyway, although I know the drugs couldn't have helped. I will never know if she died instantly, or if she called out for help. I will never know if she realized her friends left her all alone. I will never know if she had any thoughts before she died. I will never know if she cried out for us or for her God. So many things I just will never know, and still I must find a way to make peace.....




An Angel's invitation....

[*]N'Dea Davenport / N'Dea Davenport - "Placement for the Baby"

Don't Cry Little Baby don’t Cry.....
Please don't cry little baby don't cry....

Stop

There'll be an ending
whether your man or woman
the world can no doubt
be cold and unhuman

Lift your eyes, look beyond
and you'll see more, oh much more
follow your little heart
take control of your situation

Are you ready go?.....
To the Next phase of life?
Follow your Heart,
Keep looking for the prize

I know thing's are hard
but it's time to work it out
I know you feel all alone
and you want to scream and shout

So baby go on
Alright, it's alright
sometimes the clouds will be around
Lose yourself in your mind
and rise

Ready to Go…..into the next phase of life?
follow your heart, ready to fly?
Ready to Go, into the next phase of life?
Follow your heart, keep looking for the prize

Ready or not go on and lead, dive on in me
Ready to fly?
Ready or not go on and lead, dive on in me
Ready to fly?
Ready or not go on and lead, dive on in me
Ready to go? Ready to go?
Ready or not go on and lead, dive on in me
Ready to go?
Ready or not go on and lead, dive on in me
There'll be an ending. Are you ready to go?
Ready or not go on and lead, dive on in me
Are you ready to go? Are you ready to go?
Ready or not go on and lead, dive on in me.....


I don't believe in that evil God I mentioned before. I believe in a God of Love and a God of mercy. In that alley, Lisa heard a clear voice in her despair. It was the devil, seeking payment for her sins. Gabriel was nowhere in sight. But God had a very special Angel in mind. Letting go of her physical body as her life force left her, she began falling into darkness. The Angel took baby Anthony in her arms to comfort him. As Lisa fell into the abyss, the Angel followed.

I believe that God knows our hearts and our motivations and even though my cousin was the person that society points to for all it's problems, I believe God knew her heart and that many of the things she did were in search of something, something she died having never found.....love..... I believe that's all she ever wanted but didn't know what it looked like, or what to do with it if she had it. I believe God would not give up on her, even in her darkest moment. The Angel of mercy followed her to the depths, imploring her to reach out for the invitation that God was sending. And I believe she accepted.....




From the End of the World to Heaven....
[*]Morcheeba / Big Calm - "The Sea" (this version on KCRW's Morning Becomes Eclectic)

Flocking to the sea
Crowds of people wait for me
Sea gulls scavenge
Steal ice cream
Worries vanish
Within my dream

I left my soul there,
Down by the sea
I lost control here
Living free

I left my soul there,
Down by the sea
I lost control here
Living free

Fishing boats sail past the shore
No singing may-day any more
The sun is shining
The Water's clear
Just you and I walk along the pier

I left my soul there,
Down by the sea
I lost control here
Living free

I left my soul there,
Down by the sea
I lost control here
Living free

A cool breeze flows but mind the wasp
Some get stung it's worth the cost
I'd love to stay
The city calls me home
More hassles fuss and lies on the phone

I left my soul there,
Down by the sea
I lost control here
Living free

I left my soul there,
Down by the sea
I lost control here
Living free

I left my soul there,
Down by the sea
I lost control here
Living free

I left my soul there,
Down by the sea
I lost control here,
livin.....
livin.....
livin by the sea

This song has always reminded me of this dream:



I always thought of that dream when I heard this song, until something happened to me in the beginning of the year that changed that. Something absolutely amazing and extraordinary happened to me in January. I followed my intuition to leave work on time and go home to a boring bar on a Monday night. The feeling was just way to strong for me to ignore. So I ended up going to the bar and I met this guy who invited me to see him speak at a metaphysical bookstore.

I ended up going and it turned out to be a public speaking group. This night was a dry run for the group for an event they were having later than night. Until that night, I had never meditated and it wasn't that I was skeptical or that I didn't think it could be beneficial but more that I didn't know how so I just never sought it out. But when we did these exercises, despite my hesitancy, I did the breathing and the counting down from 10 to 1 and instantly went into the meditations. Without hesitation I had visions. They came to me very easily and very clearly.

Well there was this woman who did a presentation on Finding your Joy. She had us do the breathing and the countdown. During the breathing part of it she said that as we counted down that we were to envision going down step by step and that when we got to the bottom we would be in our perfect Garden.

In my vision, when I was still at the top of the stairs, if I turned from the stairs and looked back, I could see clearly the landscape before me. I was at the top of a hill and it was desolate. Nothing but just flat land and bare dirt. Pure desolation. The thing is though, that at the edge of the hill were tree tops and these trees filled this horseshoe shaped indent in the hill. I could tell it was a cove. But when I looked past the treetops to see the water, all I could see was sky.

So we did the countdown and I saw each stair, one by one and when I got to the bottom my grandmother and my great aunt were there. Needless to say, I was shocked and I immediately started sobbing Here I am doing meditation for the first time and 2 of my most prized teachers and people I love the most in my entire life were standing in my garden, and I realized they were tending to it until such time as I joined them. This garden was spectacular and at the end of the garden was the beach. And that beach is all the heaven that I've ever been to in my dreams.

I came away from that night with a very clear sense of what my path is and where it is leading me. And I now had a new tool to help me realize my truth. The very next month I did a presentation. It was on the power of forgiveness.

Because of family issues, the fact that I don't have a car and am commuting 6 to 8 hours a day on the bus and train, I haven't had the kind of downtime or private quiet time to continue to meditate. I have done it several times in small doses but nothing like the exercises I did in January. As I said, this project has unfolded on me in ways I never could have expected. One thing has become extremely clear to me through this project. Specifically as it pertains to this song, I have been led to plead on my cousin Lisa's behalf to ask that my grandmother and my aunt be on the watch for her arrival at my garden. I refuse to give her up to the darkness.

I was on the bus, about a month ago, on the way home listening to this song and I decided to meditate on that very idea. The song started and I began meditating and seeing/being at my garden So when I was listening to the song and meditating, I specifically went in search of my grandmother/aunt to tell them that my cousin will be making her way there and to watch for her and I experienced something I never have before. I really don't even know how to explain it with words but it was like mainlining emotion. It was like drinking a cup of love with a spoonfull of sorrow. It was the purest feeling I ever felt..

I was seeing that garden and the loved ones that are tending to it and I had the sensation of tumbling forward and down but being caught at the same time and I honestly feel that I set foot in that garden and that the presence of my grandmother/aunt came into me. It was like going three directions at once but never leaving a straight line. It reminded me of that scene in Poltergeist where Carol Ann's spirit passes through her mom. It was so like that. It was a feeling and an emotion so pure and it hit me instantly and I cried from my guts. But it was so beautiful. It kind of scared me actually how strong it was.

This song has become one of my most powerful weapons against the darkness.....

School has made me awake in so many ways. This morning a group of deaf people got on the train and as they were communicating they are throwing their arms everwhere and motioning in silence and this man in front of me just looked at them like they were crazy and he was clearly annoyed. It's interesting how people see things differently because what I saww was a group of people communicating with their bodies and there was such joy in that group. It truly made me beam to witness their interaction