I came out to my grandma!

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Thread started 04/20/09 11:36am

SupaFunkyOrgan
grinderSexy

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I came out to my grandma!

excited biggrin

OK, here is the first installment.....

So I have been putting this off. Partly out of fear (that throwing up thing lol ) and partly because it just didn't feel like the right time. In my gut it felt not right. There were some things I felt I needed to do first. More on that later.....

In October, my grandmother had a mild stroke. This, the same day I found out a friend of mine had breast cancer cry Well time has truly become of the essence because she has also been living with Cancer for the last few years. The tumor is getting bigger and it's only a matter of time before that monster has its way. cry

She is 85 and decided when the tumor was found, not to fight it. She'd been through a couple small strokes, triple bipass and a stomach infection that lingered for about a year. She is too tired and feels she is too old for the surgery and chemotherapy. Having been a nurse by profession she says she's seen many people in her position fight it and lose the battle and their quality of life.

She decided she would just live with it and try to have the best of the life she has left to live. When she told me a couple years ago she was not going to fight it, I told her that my natural reaction was to have her fight and to use medical science but that I respected the fact it was her body and her life and that I would support her in her decision.

Many of you are probably aware but for those who are not, I am part of a public Speaking Group. The group is called Heart Centered Speakers which is perfect because that's the truest part of me. mushy By following my intuition, I was led there in January of last year by a man who did the annual event 2 weeks later. The meeting I went to was the dry run for that event.

Interestingly, I have never seen that man again in any of our meetings. At the last one I asked about him and it turns out that he moved to Arizona right after meeting me. So he had one last parting shot and it was to bring me into this group touched

Last year I missed the annual event. This year the group had the event on April 4th and I was one of the 7 featured speakers! biggrin My presentation was titled "Resurrection: The Power of Forgiveness". THIS was the thing I wanted to do before making this step. It was very important to me that I bring something concrete to the table when coming out at 39 years of age to my beloved Grandma Vicenta.....

So I took Friday, April 17th off from work and set to do something I didn't think I'd ever do. I know people think it's impossible that there are people I've not come out to but it's true! In this case the family knows, I just never used the G word before shhh lol

Walking up to my grandma's house I was a bundle of nerves. Having played this day over and over in my mind, I was consumed with making sure I covered the billion points I had to make! And yes, I felt like throwing up lol So I walk in and she is in the bedroom with my grandfather and I see her getting up and I head to the kitchen to put my things down. She comes in and suggests that we sit in the living room so we could be alone.

*sitting down* So, what's on the agenda today?

Well Grandma, I wanted to tell you about where I am in my life right now and where I'm headed but my past is a big part of why I am where I am, and none of what I'm about to tell you would make any sense without the big piece of the puzzle. I'm gay.

Mijo, I know. I don't care if you're black, brown, purple or green. I care about whether or not you're a good person. In all the places, and all the years and all the people nobody, not one single person has ever had anything bad to say about you. Never. Only and ever good things. That says to me that you are a good person.

Everyone has different views on everything in life. Look at us in this house. We all live together and yet we will see everything differently no matter what the issue. As long as you know who you are, you will be alright.

bawl

So I began the discussion by telling her that I have made peace with my father and that I hold no resentments over the past. Those of you who have read my account of my experience with Domestic abuse, know that my first memory in my life is of my father beating up my mom. I was 4 years old.

My dad left us and betrayed us my whole childhood. I had massive issues over all that. It's part of why I sought my own destruction when I became an adult. But this is what I explained to my grandmother. I told her that becoming an adult myself, I understand adult decisions and that sometimes life doesn't offer you a good choice and that sometimes the choice is between bad or worse and you just make the best of what you can.

I told her that having made my own mistakes I chose to view my father through that lens, seeing him as human and a person who is fallible just like anybody else. I told her that I have let go of the past and that I release my dad from it all. I understand.....

So she began telling me how hard it was for him to have a split family and to be torn between the two. Most of this was really not that my dad had a hard choice deciding. It was that he married an evil cunt who wanted to replace me and my sister with kids of their own and made his life a living hell when he did see us. When my dad was not there and we were with her alone, she abused us. I don't like this woman and I will make it plain. My father is responsible for being such a coward to stand up to her but really she was threatened over 2 kids. disbelief

We didn't go heavy into all that stuff but that is how I opened it up, by letting my grandmother know I made peace with the past, that I let it go and that I release my dad in the process.....

So I thought about how I was going to explain the psychic thing and my "gifts". It's really tricky to try and fully explain it to someone who 1-doesn't understand or 2-thinks I'm full of shit lol

So I told her that I wanted to explain some of my gifts and she asked what I meant by gifts. I told her that I had them since I was young and that I spent most of my life running from them and said that since it was really hard to explain I'll just say it:

For lack of a better word to explain my "gifts", I'm psychic.

But you're not a twin.

uh, no.... No I'm not

I'm a Twin

What? What do you mean?!

I'm a Twin

What do you mean? I don't understand

I was born a twin, with a brother. He died in Childbirth. I know what you're saying Mijo. I have the same thing. Maybe you got it from me

Ok, I was picking my ass up off the floor because to this point I never knew she was a twin. This was total news to me! lol Since her brother had died in childbirth, he obviously wasn't a part of the family that I would have experienced. And I suppose there is no real reason to talk about it to us grandkids but I was stunned at this news. Never knew.

So I talked to her a little bit more about how the gifts manifested themselves, mostly and usually through intuition. But in their superness I have:

heard voices from people that were not physically there
been visited by relatives in my sleep one time smelling that person
dreaming about real life events as they are happening while I am asleep to people I know
visions or images of things people are thinking or have experienced not have ever known those experiences.

so I was explaining these things to her and she was recounting to me how it works for her and yes, we have that in common touched

Next I pulled out a copy of my domestic abuse article. Yes. I. went. There. faint

Being that my cousin died from an injury she received from her boyfriend, this territory was what made me the most anxious. There is so much pain in it and the article is full of pain and I didn't want to hurt my grandmother but I knew this is something I had to do.

I explained that I was about to share with her something that changed. my. life! I told her that like other people in the family, I too had been in an abusive relationship. I asked if she remembered the guy I brought to Thanksgiving one year. She asked "the mexican guy"? nod

I explained it all to her. I told her I wouldn't go into the details of the relationship as she could read it afterward but I told her about how I wrote about it and put it here on Prince.org and just how magical it was for me and how it truly truly just changed my life. It changed it completely cry

Then she told me something else I never knew. She was abused in her first marriage to my blood grandfather. I only found out about 8 years ago that my grandfather she is married to is not my blood grandfather. He's the only grandfather that we ever knew. I did meet my blood grandfather only one time and that was at his wake. Never met him when he was alive. That was the only time I've ever seen my dad cry.

So she said that she didn't see the point in telling us grandkids but that yes, she was abused by my birth grandfather. Even one time pointing a gun at her head when she was in bed. She talked about how hard it was especially considering the times when women just didn't leave. They stayed in their marriages because of societal and religious expectations. She told me eventually she went to a priest who soundly gave her the right advice to leave for her sake and the sake of my dad and my uncles.

She told me of meeting my Grandpa Frank and how he's given her such a good life

cry

Then I told her that at my cousin's wake, I asked my uncle for permission to bury something I wrote with my cousin Lisa and that that something was the article I wrote about my own abuse, the very article that I had just given her to read. My uncle does not know what I buried with her but it will be one of the things I will tell him and my aunt when we have our talk.....

continued.....

Then we spoke about my cousin's death. I told her that growing up, I had a good relationship with her. That we got along and that I always loved her sense of humor. I told her how hard it was for me to be coming into my healing and how I totally felt a sense of survivor's guilt.

I told her how hurt I was that I never got a chance to share any of the things I've learned and especially that I wasn't able to share my domestic abuse article and that my burying that with her was symbolic for her eternal peace and healing. We both expressed regrets.

When I found out my cousin was in the hospital, the details were so murky and I didn't for one second think that she was unconcious and in a coma. All I was told was that she was there. I pictured her awake, being treated and on her way to recovery so I put off going to see her because of work deadlines. I just assumed I'd have the time. I was originally going to visit her the day I found out but my deadlines took so long so I figured I would just go the next morning. Instead of going in the morning I decided to go to work, finish my deadlines completely and then leave in the afternoon to see how she was doing. At 2:00 pm my mother called to tell me she died. cry

I told my grandmother how guilty I felt about not going to see her in time. Not that she was even aware or anything but had I gone that morning, I would have arrived as my family was deciding to take her off life support. Maybe I was being shielded from that. I don't know.

My grandmother expressed her regrets in that she went to the hospital but they had to park way on the other side and that she tried walking a great distance but couldn't physically manage it so she went back home and called to tell my aunt and that is when she found out that Lisa had passed. Another thing we both had in common, regret….

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[Edited 6/10/09 11:57am]

2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740

shanti0608	What did she say?
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mdiver	Dude...trust me...she knew. Nice one mate. [Edited 4/20/09 11:48am]
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