I need some wisdom in dealing with a little kid...

This week, my wife and I are hosting a visit from our friends' kids, a 13-year-old girl and her 7-year-old brother. I remain in prayer over it, but I admit: I cannot stand the 7-year-old boy , who just happens to be the lifelong best friend of my own 7-year-old daughter. I'm good about it, though, and as 1)his own father is a complete scrub; and 2)the boy seems to genuinely look up to me, I'm cognizant that my conduct as an adult male role model could have significant importance to him throughout his formative years. In short, I feel called to handle him in a loving, fatherly way.

So, anyway... I was away from home today, but during that time I'm told the boy and his sister got into some petty argument, which made him cry. (Something about her not showing him how to shoot rubberbands from his fingers.) My daughter apparently laughed a bit at his crying (for which she was reprimanded) and he told her, "You better be quiet before I bust you in the nose and make it bleed."







Now... I have to say I am totally hippified about far too many things for my own good, but for some reason this instance has inspired visions, the stuff of Hostel 3. If I had no conscience, y'all would definitely be seeing Lammastide on the news tomorrow.

The kid apparently was reprimanded by my wife, and his parents were informed. But I am torn on whether I should address the matter... and how I could do it in a way that best serves him, but is genuine to myself. And he'll be in my care for the next 3 days yet.

What should I do? Or should I just bite the bullet and say nothing? Any suggestions?
[Edited 8/20/08 22:53pm]

worst

thread

ever

I love Milty and so should you!

FUNNIEST SHIT EVER!: http://prince.org/msg/100/290558

Why don't you like the lil crumbsnatcher?

Imago said:

Good question.


My sister and her son once got into a really bad argument. He ended up telling her (he was only 6 at the time), "I'm gonna chop you up into a bunch of pieces and throw you away!")


Aside from the fact that I couldn't fathom where he got those ideas, I think ANY threats of violence, no matter how steeped in mere fantasy, must be dealt with. It's better to be stiff now than have some Judge hand down a stiffer punishment when they're older.


She did nothing.

I love Milty and so should you!

FUNNIEST SHIT EVER!: http://prince.org/msg/100/290558

SCNDLS said:

Mustard seed moment.

A similar deal happened with my best friend. He initially dealt with anger, too.

I think there's wisdom you're already acknowledging beyond parental anger for your child that is leading you in love to parent someone who it seems is reaching out to you. Maybe he's jealous of your daughter for her having you around on the regular. Probably didn't take him long -- as he's sized you up as a positive role model -- to resent his own paternal situation and build up envy.

Maybe find a moment take him aside and correct his use of a threat/violence while building him up: "I love my little girl. I was shocked to hear you say something about giving her a bloody nose because you're a really good young man. And, that's not how good, young men behave. I know you have it in you to be better. That's what good people do... "

Flip his concept while speaking over his life and reinforcing your role as your daughter's protector. 2 birds, one stone.

"...and, if it was good in the past, it's still good." -- Sly Stone, Woodstock

Imago said:

Good question.


My sister and her son once got into a really bad argument. He ended up telling her (he was only 6 at the time), "I'm gonna chop you up into a bunch of pieces and throw you away!")


Aside from the fact that I couldn't fathom where he got those ideas, I think ANY threats of violence, no matter how steeped in mere fantasy, must be dealt with. It's better to be stiff now than have some Judge hand down a stiffer punishment when they're older.


She did nothing.

ThreadBare said:

Mustard seed moment.

A similar deal happened with my best friend. He initially dealt with anger, too.

I think there's wisdom you're already acknowledging beyond parental anger for your child that is leading you in love to parent someone who it seems is reaching out to you. Maybe he's jealous of your daughter for her having you around on the regular. Probably didn't take him long -- as he's sized you up as a positive role model -- to resent his own paternal situation and build up envy.

Maybe find a moment take him aside and correct his use of a threat/violence while building him up: "I love my little girl. I was shocked to hear you say something about giving her a bloody nose because you're a really good young man. And, that's not how good, young men behave. I know you have it in you to be better. That's what good people do... "

Flip his concept while speaking over his life and reinforcing your role as your daughter's protector. 2 birds, one stone.

Lammastide said:

ThreadBare said:

Mustard seed moment.

A similar deal happened with my best friend. He initially dealt with anger, too.

I think there's wisdom you're already acknowledging beyond parental anger for your child that is leading you in love to parent someone who it seems is reaching out to you. Maybe he's jealous of your daughter for her having you around on the regular. Probably didn't take him long -- as he's sized you up as a positive role model -- to resent his own paternal situation and build up envy.

Maybe find a moment take him aside and correct his use of a threat/violence while building him up: "I love my little girl. I was shocked to hear you say something about giving her a bloody nose because you're a really good young man. And, that's not how good, young men behave. I know you have it in you to be better. That's what good people do... "

Flip his concept while speaking over his life and reinforcing your role as your daughter's protector. 2 birds, one stone.

I appreciate that. I think that's absolutely doable. But I'm gonna have to put it off until the morning. I'm a tad antsy now.

I'm also partial to the Hostel 4 concept but that's not really saying much is it...

RenHoek said:

The "wisdom stick" could come in handy.

I mean beat him with a stick, and call it a wisdom stick.

Mars23 said:

This boy needs your help. He desperately needs adults to place boundaries on him. I say sit him down and give him an honest heart to heart talk about how his statement made you feel and your worst fears about it, and how this attitude could grow and affect him for the rest of his life. Tell him what goes around comes and around and what he puts out, he'll eventually get back. Tell him you love your daughter and don't want her harmed, but you are almost MORE concerned for his future and his eventual safety. Treat him like an equal but make it clear where you stand. Then, if you're willing to accept responsibility, let him know you're there for him if he needs any help in learning how to be a nice kid and grow up to be a strong man like yourself.

It may seem futile if he's a product of bad upbringing, but I always like to think we can help others in small ways.

heartbeatocean said:

RenHoek said:

Mars23 said:

The "wisdom stick" could come in handy.

I mean beat him with a stick, and call it a wisdom stick.

You want this T-shirt don't you...

Lammastide said:

RenHoek said:

As a father of two girls I would have to say what ThreadBare said just about nails it... a real man to man sort of thing seems to be the ideal resolution...

Yeah, I think that is a simple, sensible thing to do.

We gotta get Threadbare married off and reproducing soon.

"...and, if it was good in the past, it's still good." -- Sly Stone, Woodstock

Mars23 said:

ThreadBare said:

Lammastide said:

Yeah, I think that is a simple, sensible thing to do.

We gotta get Threadbare married off and reproducing soon.

I'm down... I do, of course, have a list of qualities the luckly woman will have to have...

Lammastide said:

ThreadBare said:

I'm down... I do, of course, have a list of qualities the luckly woman will have to have...

You do know you've obliged yourself to begin a new thread, eh? The org's women are dying to see said list, I'm sure.

"...and, if it was good in the past, it's still good." -- Sly Stone, Woodstock

ThreadBare said:

Lammastide said:

You do know you've obliged yourself to begin a new thread, eh? The org's women are dying to see said list, I'm sure.

That's really kind and generous of you. It'd hardly be a most-read thread, I assure you.

Alas, my posts here tonight are but writing breaks. Working on an article, while snacking on ice cream (tiramisu "light") and listening to the Nobilus Trio. So, while I don't have time for an all-out thread, we could start the personal ad there: "Must find pudgy, writer types with a love of classical music really endearing."

ThreadBare said:

Mustard seed moment.

A similar deal happened with my best friend. He initially dealt with anger, too.

I think there's wisdom you're already acknowledging beyond parental anger for your child that is leading you in love to parent someone who it seems is reaching out to you. Maybe he's jealous of your daughter for her having you around on the regular. Probably didn't take him long -- as he's sized you up as a positive role model -- to resent his own paternal situation and build up envy.

Maybe find a moment take him aside and correct his use of a threat/violence while building him up: "I love my little girl. I was shocked to hear you say something about giving her a bloody nose because you're a really good young man. And, that's not how good, young men behave. I know you have it in you to be better. That's what good people do... "

Flip his concept while speaking over his life and reinforcing your role as your daughter's protector. 2 birds, one stone.

Measure in Love
"May the voice of the child in you never stop speaking. May it fall like a gift from heaven, offering to dessicated words its splendorous burst of laugher, the salt of its tears, its all powerful wildness." Maurice Blanchot

ThreadBare said:

Lammastide said:

Yeah, I think that is a simple, sensible thing to do.

We gotta get Threadbare married off and reproducing soon.

I'm down... I do, of course, have a list of qualities the luckly woman will have to have...

emm said:

ThreadBare said:

I'm down... I do, of course, have a list of qualities the luckly woman will have to have...

i'm ridiculously woolly for this time of year!

"...and, if it was good in the past, it's still good." -- Sly Stone, Woodstock

emm said:

ThreadBare said:

I'm down... I do, of course, have a list of qualities the luckly woman will have to have...

i'm ridiculously woolly for this time of year!

oh back to the thread topic
it's totally good of you to let him know he's not allowed to threaten anyone whilst under your care. it's just too bad that won't be reinforced 4 days from now

i - at 35 - recently met a young kid i too could not stand. i believe this was a first for me especially a kid so young. and a girl, too! it was a weird to feel that feeling. for being 5 years old she certainly had a sense of entitlement that was completely distasteful. and then i became fearful... what if that was your own kid! and you hated her!?!

emm said:

it's hard to tell other folks kids what to do...this is why i avoid having them in my home for extended stays.

i hope everything works out well, i feel sad for the boy...seems you could be a really positive influence on him.

blessings to ya!

Maybe, firstly, just need to look again at how and why the situation arose... he wasn't being shown something he wanted... (no big deal, children do that all the time....) perhaps he felt frustration, resentment, anger... all those things and more?

You suggest he doesn't have a great grasp of language, so maybe he just hasn't developed any good negotiating verbal skills that could have seen him get what he wanted from your daughter in the first instance, you could teach him some? Frustration makes us lash out, and he used words which he knew would hit the spot, so to speak, as he probably doesn't know any other way?

Introduce him to the world of alternatives, explain how there will always be another way to deal with every situation, aside from threats of/or physical violence. He's 7 yrs old, he's not a lost cause, he just a lost kid who seems to be desperate for some attention, as you say he's a crybaby, a show off. I just think he may be screaming for some attention, and again, doesn't have any other developed skills by which to gain said attention, so he acts up?

I would doubt he's as tough as he is trying to project, children like that usually aren't, they just don't have the skills to deal with all the emotions they have, and perhaps again he just needs encouragement to find other ways to deal with his frustrations.

I appreciate that in three days you may only be able to scratch the surface, if you choose to, but at least you could, to use a phrase from another post 'plant the seed' in the child, that there is always another way?

Good luck anyway whatever you decide to do