So here I am, it's just gone 2pm. I bought 3 big bottles of Leo beer and a pack of LM Menthols from the shop on the corner and now I have $1.50 for the rest of the weekend. Mon is out for the rest of the day, joining in with the Songkhran festivities with her sister (Songkhran is the Thai new year where people basically have a big water fight for several days). My fridge is empty, I've had no lunch and I'll probably eat a couple of fried eggs on rice for dinner around 6pm.

I'm currently officially unemployed (no longer teaching), though I do have a couple of things I do to make money. I can barely take care of myself and my wife and I'm also basically responsible for this whole family. So goes me so goes the family (between 6 and 9 people living here usually). I feel horribly guilty about not working and struggling so badly but I just can't go back to teaching. The idea of it fills me with a crippling dread (which is a whole other issue - can you say hermit?). I have money saved as I've always been pretty sensible and clever when it comes to investing, but nothing I can or want to get my hands on now. You guys wouldn't believe what I live on each week, probably around $20. It wasn't always that way, but when I was teaching full time I would go out every night to eat out at restaurants, drink beer every evening, take holidays at the beach anytime I wanted to on the weekends, but come monday morning at 7am was a shivering wreck at the thought of going to work. I worked in the UK without trouble, but for whatever reason since I've been here I've become so reclusive that even going to the shop to buy beer and cigarettes was difficult. I'm not really sure what I should do to break myself out of this malaise.

You need to not sleep so much.....

TMBGITW said:

I go to bed around 11pm and am always up no later than 7am. I have more time than I know what to do with and usually energy enough to at least eat, drink and shower. I sleep enough, but I'm worn out, mentally, physically, spiritually, any way you want to measure it. And that's better than when I was working, but I don't have as much money.

Fauxie said:

Being burnt out is a sign that you need to stop doing what is making you unhappy, Yes you may be broke, but when you think about it, that stress you don't deal with every day going to teach, is a good thing. Money comes and goes, give it time it will work itself out. If being broke for a time, means being better off and more happy then its worth it.

TMBGITW said:

It's been replaced with a different stress, but one I can more easily deal with. I'm not stupid and I have a way of usually landing on my feet, but this is a really tough period for me right now. I think you're right about 'money comes and goes' and I need to focus on what I can do to make things easier at least for now and ride out this time. If I were single I wouldn't be so bothered. As a student I was extremely poor but didn't have to consider the feelings of another. Right now I feel like I'm asking too much of my wife to put up with this and it also affects her family. Throughout it all I try to be a good person and hope this will hold some sway with who/whatever decides what happens. I'm not someone who's terribly ambitious, who looks for the best everywhere and strives to get everything from life. Call it lack of ambition but I'm not worried about death and what happens after. I've made choices I thought were right and positive that weren't necessarily the best for my own happiness and peace of mind but I strongly believe in integrity and making decisions and promises and sticking to them. I'd rather be kind than happy. I'll end up where I end up and be pleased enough to have lived the life I have with honesty and an unerring love for people. I just need to find a way to get through this storm.

Fauxie said:

You will...it will all be fine.

TMBGITW said:

Cheers for 'listening'.

Hey, I was unemployed for two longgggg years. I had some bad days and some good days. I had ppl make fun of me. I had ppl criticize me. THEY felt I wasn't doing enough but I had to hold my head up high.

Fauxie said:

I am going to tell you what everyone is telling me right now as I go through a shitty time. It will be alright but you have got to take care of yourself..
Have you discussed how you are feeling with your wife?
It is tough I know- I spent some time being unemployed when I moved where we live now and it does wear you down & make you doubt yourself.
I know that feeling and it sucks..
Just remember you are a great guy with a huge heart- you deserve to be happy too. I am finding out that if you are not happy & you are miserable- it brings down the ppl around you. You really need to work on yourself & figure out what you can do to get past this...
I want you to know that I am here for you- just as you offered to be here for me...
Maybe we can help one another through this terribly rough patch in our lives..

Responsibility is such a stess factor. I remember when I was going through my divorce, I had this OVERWHELMING feeling that it was hurting my children, and I'm being a bad father because of it, and it would LITERALLY make me sick, throwing up and just being a nervous wreck. The best advice I took away from therapy was "You have to be the number one priority. You have to be happy first" It may sound selfish, but it truly isn't. You're no good to anyone if you aren't right yourself first. We've all had moeny trouble. Shit, I can look back at some times in past right now and say "How the fuck did I ever make it throught THAT time in my life?!?"

Keep your head up and Nick, you'll make the right decisions. And if you truly are having trouble closing yourself in, perhaps you need to leave Thailand for a bit and just get in touch with some more familiar places again. You don't want to let that fester and grow into a full blown CONDITION.

Fauxie said:

But, seriously. All you need to do are a few things. You gotta figure out where you came from, where you are now and where you are going.

Set yourself goals and go make them.

Get a job.
Millions of men dread going into work.

Imago said:

I was going to go that route, but it seemed a bit "rough".

jerseykrs said:

I'm not being mean to Nick. He knows I'd lay a big fat kiss on him if I ever got the chance, and Mon ever left his ass.

But, there are two things going on here:

1) Lazyness - Well, we all hate working from time to time, but the truth of the matter is, we need money. Get a job.

2) Hermit - He is physically incapable of working becuase of a pyschological condition that makes him reclusive. This would mean he needs to seek help.

I don't think it's the later.

You need a hug! So here

jerseykrs said:

Exactly- Chris made a good point- you have got to put yourself first! I know I am the last person who should be giving this advice since I am in the current situation with my life because I put someone else first all of the time. Now that I take the time to think about me and why I am unhappy.. well, I see that I have been neglecting myself for so long... You loose who you truly are inside and become numb- that's where the fear sets in. I so understand that- I think we all do.
We are here for you Nick- we love you!!

We are pulling for you- you are a wonderful soul!!
[Edited 4/15/06 5:14am]

well, first let me say... im sorry you arent feeling so well i understand a lot about the things you've talked about, really i do.


my concern is, and i didnt see anyone talk about it yet, is that you sound so obviously depressed.... depression is a horrible thing man, it can suck the life right outta ya if you dont watch what you're doing....


im thinking that now would be a great time to go see someone, talk about your feelings, and start working through them before they become more of a problem than it already sounds like it is....


i care about you, and i'm hoping you feel better real soon sweetie

oh, fauxie.

You'll get through it.

a) It sounds to me like you have a slight touch of Agoraphobia, or fear of open spaces. Your anxiety over your work situation has caused you to stay indoors, where it's safe and nothing can happen to you. The reality is you're missing out on life.

b) "Act as if"... Cliche', but it works. Act as if you're doing ok. Go out. Feel the sun on your face. Go to the park. Go to the library. Baby steps..to getting you back into society. Perhaps your area has some sort of career counseling at no cost... I'd also suggest you talk to some sort of social worker or therapist

c) With all due respect, cut back on the cigarettes. You're just burning the money up

Hang in there...it will all be ok, I promise

Pimp out your wife.

HamsterHuey said:

Where the fuck did you get that emoticon! THATS AWESOME

i hope that you'll be able to get out of this depression you are in and find a job that you love. In the meantime, can't your wife or some of these 8-9 people you are supporting find some kind of work to help out? it's seems a bit unfair that you have to support all these people and it may be a contributing factor to how you're feeling right about now.

i hope it gets better.

PurpleRein said:

May I just add that cigarettes are fucking grose.

thanks.

Man I've been unemployed before. I had all those same feelings!

Thats really hellish what youre going through fauxie, im sure, like you said, youll come through the other side of it though

I know where youre coming from with the "hermit" thing. I get like that too. I've always been quite a loner, and if things get too much for me I just stick my head back in the sand and I really, really dont want to do anything. Even just go to the shops. But one day you wake up and you feel better, I dont think you can force it. I think pressure is a big factor, for me anyway, when I feel like that. So making yourself get up and do things is just more pressure.

As for the low, low budget, I'm the same! I'm a student and I live on potatoes, or beans on toast Not ideal, especially as I'm a very good cook and I know whats out there to eat, thats more interesting, but, you gotta do what you gotta do Right now I have a total of £4 which has to last the next 8 days. Until I get weak and get out my chequebook!

Stay strong and remember to come lean on us orgers again!

Thanks everybody - sound advice as always.

I'm going to get out today, have lunch in a little restaurant near here and spend some time with my wife just talking about fun stuff. I want to try to feel good and positive for a few days and then see if I can't set my mind to working out what needs to be done and how to do it.

To Number23, that's what my wife suggested, but with her pimping me!

To Imago, yes cigarettes are disgusting. I think they have a big impact on how I feel by supressing my appetite, making me feel lethargic and making my health worse in general. Feeling unhealthy gets me down so there's something I can change right now. As for dreading going to work, I know that feeling from other jobs, waking up and dreading going in. This ain't just that, and I think I need to find some way to get help for it, or just every day in general try to ease myself back into doing more, being independent, going to places and interacting with people more. I was very shy when living in the UK and after moving out here I came out of my shell a little. I've receded back into it but I guess if I've done it once I can do it again. I just have a slightly steeper hill to climb this time.

I didn't know you smoked.

Spookymuffin said:

Yeah, started about 2 years ago, but didn't smoke that much every day until just over a year ago. I've given up for weeks at a time and often cut right down to under 10 a day in the last few months, but haven't quite managed to kick it yet.

I could tell u my story... that would make u feel like a king.

My response is on Dans thread.. looks like the opic of night.