A few folks beat me to the punch but nobody has stepped forward as the board's official Ebenezer Scrooge.

We'll i'll happily take the title and dodge the slings and arrows that are sure to come my way.

To prove that i'm the right person for the job, for the next few days i'll be posting Anit-Xmas memorabilia that i've collected over the years.

Enjoy.

Santa...Man or Myth?
Let's examine the facts.

1)
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

2)
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

3)
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, by another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

4)
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of Reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the Reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

5)
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Deal with it!...



...Merry Christmas or Happy Horrordays!


tAC (aka theAntiClaus)

Tribal Disorder

http://www.soundclick.com...dID=182431
[Edited 12/22/05 11:29am]

dude, you sound so hawt

Muse2NOPharaoh said:

tA (aka theAntiClaus)
Tribal Disorder

http://www.soundclick.com...dID=182431

bah...HUMBUG!

AsianBomb777 said:

tAC (aka theAntiClaus)

Tribal Disorder

http://www.soundclick.com...dID=182431

AsianBomb777 said:

HOE.

This is the real santa

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

!!!!!

Alright, that's the AntiXmas spirit we're looking for.


tAC (aka theAntiClaus)

Tribal Disorder

http://www.soundclick.com...dID=182431

SammiJ said:

Uh, excuse me?
It's called being "romantically assertive"

AsianBomb777 said:

pfffft

how many times have you worked that on the men of the org? hmmm?!

theAudience said:

emm said:

Those are so cute!

tAC (aka theAntiClaus)

Tribal Disorder

http://www.soundclick.com...dID=182431

retina said:

I'm out of notes, emm! I tried to pop you but I'm not sure if it worked?

for the little perv...

emm said:

theAudience said:

AsianBomb777 said:

Not you, fool!

It's for this pervert this time. Moi! Me!

tAC (aka theAntiClaus)

Tribal Disorder

http://www.soundclick.com...dID=182431

retina said:

I guess it didn't.

Mach said:

I'm having a great time on the org tonight.

Don't despair,
just because it's Christmas.
Children, they're
all so gay at Christmas.
All the children on the street
hope they get something good to eat.
But for me it's not so great.
Fuck Christmas!
Fuck Christmas!
Fuck Christmas!
Fuck Christmas!
Fuck Christmas!
Fuck Christmas!
Fuck Christmas!
Fuck Christmas!
Fuck Christmas!

-Fear

You can listen to it here:

http://hype.non-standard....rtist/Fear

Chapter Two...

Is Santa a Woman?
I hate to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off. For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the shopping bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if a male Santa did still have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physiques to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless some woman's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the idea that other mythical holiday characters are men:
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test...



...But not Santa.



tAC (aka theAntiClaus)

Tribal Disorder

http://www.soundclick.com...dID=182431