Joke time folks.


A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he just had a fight with his wife.

"Too bad," says the bartender. "How did it end?"

"Well," replies the guy, "when it was over the old lady came to me on her hands and knees."

"What'd she say?" asks the bartender.

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit.'"

subhuman09 said:

Mach said:

Those things need legs-or maybe they're just supporting themselves, so they don't fall over.

subhuman09 said:

and maybe a forked tail !!

Mach said:

Should that comment be in P&R?

subhuman09 said:

dunno



~laughs wickedly~

dont care !!

Mach said:

"Quality since yesterday."

Who are the nicest people in the hospital?

The ultrasound lot.

JDINTERACTIVE said:

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an
anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple
of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The
biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I
would walk you home but I can't carry this lot".
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, Carry
the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in
your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk
the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll
be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then
said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know
that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull
up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

subhuman09 said:

Evening Subby! Nice joke! I picture me doing the chasing!

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers!

JDINTERACTIVE said:

The classics are the best

Pearle said:

ShySlantedEye1 said:

Hiya!

You're chasing? Ok, I'll hide the knives then.

mdiver said:

My new fave LoTR joke.





An elf walked into a bar.

The dwarf laughed and walked under it.

meow85 said:

subhuman09 said:

Sometimes simplicity is best.

meow85 said:

I wanted to become one with your post btw.

I'm working on osmosis next.



(Simple and efficient!)

A technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

Lleena said:

At one of my old retail jobs I had some really interesting people that would tell me their "beer coaster" was broken.

It was the CD-ROM drive.

subhuman09 said:

!

another one for ya!

technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.



(this was actually 2the9s )

Lleena said:

You know they must mean well-but damn.

Actually I have a funny story I lived through-should I tell the "CD Incident" story again? You may not have heard it. There's also the "Overhead Story" as well.

subhuman09 said:

I haven't heard them..spill it!..

The Incident by: subby, age 9.:

When I was a sophomore in high school I didn't quite have a car yet so I had to ride the bus.

One day one of my friends and I were horsing around in the back of the bus, just being idiot guys pushing each other and joking around.

Well I guess I got a little too carried away and I pushed him harder than I should have. Now keep in mind that I was much taller than my friend (he was a little guy) and well he fell against the back of the bus.

I felt bad about it-but I didn't really have time to react, because with the case in had in his hand he nailed me in the left side of my forehead.

At first I was laughing it off-"Oh well, my stupid mistake-he was just reacting."

I chuckled and sat down. To my surprise my forehead starting gushing down my face, covering my glasses and the bus seat, the floor and most anything around me.

It didn't hurt-I just mostly kind of sat there and just marveled at it going-"Wow. Somebody better clean that up."

Around me though-the reaction was a little bit crazier. People were going apeshit. Screaming, freaking out and above all that just staring.

My friend at this point had turned about 20 different shades of white.

On top of this-the bus hadn't even left the school parking lot.

I was rushed inside, still bleeding into the nurses office where I heard teachers and staff muttering about "Is he going to sue?" and "How can he not have passed out?".

They panicked and got the blood toweled off. My dad came and picked me up-went to the doctor where I got stiched up all while being sarcastic as hell about it-the doctor was pretty surprised.

I had to go to detention for a few days for horsing around on the bus-and after that my friends all told me to:

"WATCH OUT FOR FLYING s!!!!"

A true story by subby.

The Overhead Story by subby, age 9:

When I was in 9th grade, it was already great when we had a substitute teacher-usually it meant it was a blow-off day and we wouldn't have to do anything.

Well-I decided one day in English class that I had to play a prank on the new sub.

I grabbed some rulers put them inside the overhead projector and waited for the fun-thinking she'll realize it's blurry spend the whole class trying to fix it-and we'll get out with having done nothing and get a day to goof off.

What I didn't quite remember is how hot the bulbs got when the overhead is turned on.

On top of that well-I had put wooden rulers on the overhead bulb.

Here I was all giddy and happy ready to laugh at my prank when I see smoke start to billow out of the overhead. Flames were up inside. The wooden rulers had caught fire inside the overhead.

I didn't quite think it was so funny anymore. People were freaking out-the sub didn't know what the hell she was supposed to do.

They found a fire extinguisher and put out the overhead fire and we all sat down.

Later in the class the Assistant Principal (a dead ringer for the guy in Breakfast Club-attitude and all)-came in, spouting things like-

"This is arson!!!!"

I, to say the least, wondered what the hell was going to happen to me.

I ended up getting PASS (ultra detention back in the day) and remembered that overheads are not friends of comedy.

They ruin the joke.

JDINTERACTIVE said:

Proper sound!!! ..... "...Welcome to the North!..."