Graffiti Bridge will surely go down in the history books as one of the worst movies of all time.
It has sincerely earned this prized position, and we should celebrate that fact.

So let's take a look at just why this movie is SO bad it's..... well just plain bad!

(P.S. PLEASE no-body get their panties in a bunch over this thread, it's made with genuine love for a truly BAD film )
(P.P.S. IF replying, please don't quote the whole message )


[color=#C000C0:085d9cf985]The Top Ten Worst Moments of Graffiti Bridge [/color]



So, without further do, counting down from 10 to 1.....





[color=#C000C0:085d9cf985]» 10 - The Kid's Face-paint[/color]

Prince goes nuts with the finger paint and fuzzy felt for his look in Elephants & Flowers

Surely this is Prince at his most goofiest.

A great little track, with at least passing ties with the 'plot', and I do like this performance, but surely this takes some topping as Prince's silliest look.

WE think it's cute, but let me tell you, the rest of the movie-viewing world thought he looked like King Dork of Dorkland.

A chequer-board poncho with illuminous face-paint, only Prince folks, only Prince!.....





[color=#C000C0:085d9cf985]» 09 - Release It![/color]

Release It!

OK, this one is more of a personal pet peeve than anything, but I'm including it because it's a prime example of the sheer laziness of the movie's production.

Morris comes into the Glam Slam with the Time, Prince thinks he has the upper hand by getting a sample of Morris saying 'release it', but Morris has Jimmy Jam record Prince saying 'release it' too.

Now where as Morris' sample is exactly as he says it, Prince's is the same sample from the LP, and it's clear to the audience that it is completely different to how Prince has just sang the phrase mere seconds earlier. So, yes, I'm being petty, but would it have been that hard for Prince to mime to the sample for continuity sake?

Tut, tut, well that's my one indulgence, back to the real stinkers!





[color=#C000C0:085d9cf985]» 08 -Superfluous characters and plot-holes[/color]

Left: Blink and you missed him, it's the Godfather of Funk, George Clinton
Right: The criminally under-used Mavis Staples asked "Why the fuck is my character even in this two-bit puppet show?"

Jill, Tevin, George, Mavis, why are these people here?! Literally, we get that George and Mavis are club owners, Jill is the Kid's ex, and Tevin is Mavis' son. But take them out of the movie, do we lose anything vital to the plot? Certainly not.

Jill is as under-used as she was in Purple Rain - so many questions regarding if she the same character as in Purple Rain: What happened to Apollonia, was The Kid on the rebound when he hooked up with Jill, and why is Jill so lacking in motivation, in 6 years she's gone from waitress to getting her first gig as a dancer, maybe she should have removed her drawers quicker than she did, she might have been a little higher on the career ladder.

What about Mavis, she gets one of the most pleasing and rounded songs in the movie, but has no purpose other than to send out her only son, a mere 12 years of age, to busk on the street whilst she lives it up indoors.

The Purple Rain sequel plot-line was a tacked on idea to get funding for the movie, and it shows!

What happened to Big Chic, the dumpster girl, Apollonia 6, and that creepy guy who introduced the bands at First Avenue?.....





[color=#C000C0:085d9cf985]» 07 - Jive Talkin' Dialogue[/color]

Even the cast are having problems believing the corny banter

From 'Jill's "F. this noise" to Prince's 'Morris into mix now? What kinda noise is that?' - it definitely takes multiple viewings of the film to decipher the mystery language of Chanhassen circa-1989/90.

It's as if the characters are speaking in catch-phrases, one can almost imagine Prince laid on his bed with a pen and paper getting a kick out of every wise-crackin' line he writes, giving off a little giggle and kicking up his heels.

To make matters worse, between the Kid and Aura's muffled tones and Morris and Robin's squawking - there's barely a line delivered with clarity.

So, soak up the language of 7 Corners, where everyone speaks like MC Hammer, and a normal conversation is beyond the reach of all concerned.





[color=#C000C0:085d9cf985]» 06 - The Sets[/color]

Never has a bridge looked more like Styrofoam and sticky tape

The decision to shoot the majority of Graffiti Bridge on the soundstages of Paisley Park is surely one of the movies biggest downfalls.

Whilst it does give it an interesting dream-like quality in the clubs scenes, the so-called exterior scenes (7 Corners and the Bridge) are shocking detrimental to the audiences concentration on the characters and the 'melodrama' unfolding.

Psychedelic and claustrophobic, these two sets are, combined; one of the most off-putting things about Graffiti Bridge, the Bridge itself especially is laughable. Where exactly is it meant to be? - Where is this place where the horizon meets the sky less than a few meters from where you stand, and a Bridge is constructed to cross a mere trickle of water along the ground, hardly enough to drown a hamster?


[color=#C000C0:085d9cf985]» 05 - Robin Powers [/color]

You wouldn't want to meet her in a dark alley

Like a pit-bull chewing a wasp... this woman is fierce! She would scare the willies out of even the biggest men!

I do have a soft spot for Robin, it takes a lot to be that bad.

Let us all take a moment to give thanks that Prince didn't become enamoured with Robin enough to subject us to a whole album of her barking.





[color=#C000C0:085d9cf985]» 04 - Tick, Tick, Bang![/color]

Hear that?.... That's the sound of every red-blooded heterosexual man running out of the cinema

You knew it was coming didn't you?! The film's scariest performance, and one which is recommended viewing only through your fingers. You have been warned.

The dance moves range between the two inspirations of energetic masturbation and The Exorcist, and Prince's pouting in this track is truly the stuff of legend. I can only imagine his motivation for the scene was to imagine himself as a pretty little girl making goo-goo eyes at her playground Valentine.

Sure, we love it, we know what Prince is like, this performance is straight from the same page as the ending of Do Me, Baby - but even the most die-hard of us must realise that Prince is not cool in this scene.

Watch again at your own risk!





[color=#C000C0:085d9cf985]» 03 - Ingrid Chavez as Aura[/color]

Look, even she can't stand her own acting performance

Granted, Ingrid didn't have much to work with here, but I have a sneaking suspicion that even if Aura had the depth of All About Eve's Margo Channing, Ms. Chavez still would have played her as an indifferent background extra.

Aura's facial expressions range from indifference to 'Botoxed up to the eye-balls' - either way it appears as if Ingrid is trying convey Aura's emotional spectrum entirely through telepathy, or as if she is playing a staring game.

If Aura is an angel, I want to go to Hell.





[color=#C000C0:085d9cf985]» 02 - The Kid[/color]

Prince's 'Fay Wray' moment at the emotional climax of the movie

The Kid is probably the least likeable character in the entire movie. Which is a bit of a problem really considering he is a) the main character, and b) the character who the audience is supposed to feel some kind of empathy for, in his struggle for creative freedom and spiritual fulfilment.

Funny, how a search for spiritual fulfilment can come across on celluloid as being a spoilt punk brat without a thought in his head for anyone else but himself.

Surely Aura and Prince were made for each other? Both have a penchant for leather jackets, and both enjoy spending their time writing soppy love poems on a polystyrene bridge. But still, I'd rather endure Mary Sharon and Christopher Tracy's bizarre lip-tango than see The Kid and Aura wriggling awkwardly against that brick wall.

Amongst the many great flaws of the movie, perhaps the biggest is Prince's inability to give his leading characters any redeeming qualities. The movie's baddies are the true hero's, in fact, I would have enjoyed seeing both Aura and The Kid getting crushed by a jeep. Imagine what a fun place 7 Corners would be without The Kid's moaping around and drippy spiritual songs.

Now, Morris knows how to run a club - Funky music, naked girls in cages and fancy pyrotechnics! What a party!





[color=#C000C0:085d9cf985]» 01 - The 'death' of Aura[/color]

Left: The mystery jeep driver and murderer of Aura..... we applaud his valiant efforts to put an end to Ms. Chavez's acting
Right: The moment Aura realises that she is gonna buy the farm, and the moment the audience explodes into rapturous cheer

Now giving that Ingrid's performance exudes no yearning for empathy from the audience, you'd be forgiven for thinking that her death might be one of the highlights of the movie - indeed it would be if it wasn't for the complete and total lack of any plot relevance in the way her death is brought about.

Whilst her death is kismet and brings about the movie's resolve: Morris and Prince's reconciliation. It comes off like firework on a rainy day.

The appearance of a random driver who, it appears, drives about 10 meters before delivering Aura with a fatal blow, is both hilarious and baffling. Was he drunk, was it the devil incarnate, or was the driver so intoxicated on Mavis' performance of Melody Cool he couldn't control his steering?

Whatever it was, it was a poorly conceived tack-on ending, with no fore, or after-thought (what happened to the driver, was he convicted, or did he receive a hero's welcome?)

One of life's little mysteries I guess.



Well that concludes our run down of the most truly awful, but equally 'Prince' moments of Graffiti Bridge.

There was so much we didn't cover, like the criminal exclusion and editing of some of the album's better songs, but with a movie this bad, it's hard to pin it down to just ten things you know!

Graffiti Bridge, we salute you.
[Edited 3/30/12 8:30am]

thread of the friggin year.

Excellent post! Too cool.

..and hey, I like the "face paint" and the "Tick Tick Bang" performances!

I loved this movie!!!

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

I agree. There's nothing else to say except that I had no problem with that girl Robin (?) if you know what I mean.
[Edited 11/8/04 13:53pm]

hey you forgot about the TOY ambulance that comes out to get aura or whatever her name was. People were rolling in the audience after that.


The thing about jill being an underachiever was classic. Seems like she would've gone to community college or something,,lol.

Dead On It!

jamaulredmond said:

ooh yeah! and the game of hangman between the kid and aura.

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

..and every other "Man, what a pece of crap" second of this film.

This reminds me of a synopsis I found on Ebay from an apparent "non-fan" - Yeah right!

Anyway, this person is flogging a laserdisc of the movie and they've added their own thoughts on the movie...

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eB...eName=WDVW

Synopsis:

First off I will say that I am not a prince fan. I have nothing bad to say about him or his music or his movies, I am just not into it. However I love this movie. I've read a lot of horrible reviews about it, and all I can say to them is that most of them are due to the fact that you are trying to compare movies. On its own this movie is beautiful, the schematics of it, the scenery and set design, and the use of music to tell the story.

To watch this movie on its own without a mind bias of assuming that because you liked and understood the previous movies, you will like and understand this one...you find many elements of it that do appeal. The fact that there was very little speaking and more body language is beautiful, The total distinction between all of the characters is beautiful. The total distinction in each and every song being unique is beautiful. When I first saw this movie the one thing that outright attracted me was "Aura". Ingrid Chavez's use of body language, in particular her facial expressions throughout this film are amazing. Each character had a very clear role and very clearly expressed what that role is. The set designs are both nostalgic and creative without being too overly artistic, there is no exact time and place for this film, sometimes you think you're in the 1920's in a back alley of a speakeasy, sometimes you think you're in the 1980's dreaming about the 1990's.

For Prince fans they don't see that, all they see is that Prince is not the main point, he is not as involved in it as he was in the other films, there are even less scenes with him even in it, and to them the music doesn't compare to the outright served up on a silver platter music of the others. it must be the "worst prince movie ever". Loose all of your biases, and this movie becomes one of the classic good movies. The main bias to loose is that this is not a Prince Movie...It's a Movie/Musical from the mind of Prince.

I think he liked it.

and morris "watering" the plant...

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

But that's the best bit because Prince's utterly gorgeous hairdresser is playing the ABC song on the keyboard.

BinaryJustin said:

damn, you're right...

some bastid on ebay said:
must...control..urge...to laugh...gonna...explode with...laughter...

head...feelin funny...

Brilliant thread!!!!

U Guys made me realize that Graffiti Bridge is a Comedy!!
What did the Little Fella think while he was working on that crap?

[Edited 11/8/04 23:29pm]

I think some of his albums had a larger budget.
[Edited 11/8/04 14:38pm]

i really wonder if Prince made this so bad on purpose, i mean really. if we asked him if GB was a joke, would he be like "GOTCHA BITCHES!!"but yes..brilliang thread. now i want to watch it again. haven't seen it in YEARS...but i do blast E&P...and what are the top 10 best moments? ya'll really making me want to watch this now.
[Edited 11/8/04 14:47pm]

perhaps this is what U get when U only tell one side of a complex story...
...& what about the line heard in the theater that was edited out of the video..
Morris asks: "If i'm the King, where is the Queen?" where indeed little man

Where's the number 5 reason?

Bravo.


Finally a realistic thread about something that Prince didn't do well.



Top 10 of all time posts on the Org, hands down.

319 said:

Damn, and I thought I proof-read it!

Edited, Robin Powers was #5, but labelled as a 2nd #3

Escellent thread!

I especially like your thoughts on the 'Graffiti Bridge' set itself...

every time I see it, I expect Captain Kirk and Mister Spock to come running on, with phasers set on 'SUCK'!!!

ThePurplePeopleEater said:

Ten years o' mediocrity!

(Oh man, I'm gonna get hit hard for that... )

This thread is off the hook!

One small nit to pick Nouveau... Sid and Marty Kroft did an excellent job of set design on Grafitti Bridge, in my opinion.

..that bridge looks like a bunch of wet skittles stuck together. you know when you chew on a whole bunch and take them out your mouth to look at them and they have that white/colorly look going on??

NouveauDance said:

I have yet to see this atrocity...yet once again Nouveau, you slay me! Too Funny!

I can only think of 3 bad moments of the movie.
The Beginning, The Middle, and The End.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I can think of three good parts:

1. Ingrid
2. Chavez's
3. Legs