NDRU said:

Deadcake said:

Sometimes there is a difference between the two terms, IMO.

"I am attracted to her/him"

and

"He/she is attractive"

The first is acknowledging that person's magnetism to YOU

The second acknowledges the fact that person is attractive generally, to more than one person.

I do think people are attracted to people for many reasons. I have reasons for why I struck up friendships with certain people and not others, but I wouldn't go as far as saying they are all people that are better looking than other people, or that my attraction was based on their physical appearance. It might be their laugh, the way their eyes twinkle, the way they are quick to make decisions or agree wholeheartedly and are excited about STUFF! MANY things! A lot of those things aren't apparent until you have interracted with them so maybe I'm going around in circles. Situations throw you in the mix with people and you either click or you don't. I DON'T believe you can guess if you will get along with someone just from the way they look.

The whole idea of being attractive or attracting is to procreate though, don't discount evolution! You might not acknowledge the underlying reason is for you to find a suitable mate. All those non-sexual characteristics or experiences you seek are just to find a nice lady who is wife-material (j/k)

Absolutely, I was partly just making a little play on words, but I also think there is nothing wrong with a person's "attractiveness" being a factor in being attracted to them.

There's more to attraction than just looks, but it plays some part, generally.

because usually appearance is the first experience/impression you have of someone

mltijchr said:

artist76 said:

What a coincidence - a friend recommended this book to me just an hour ago! I got paranoid for my daughter (she's 9 yrs old) by a show I saw on TV, about 18 yr old girls getting kidnapped. They just went on quick errands or were coming straight home from school. Heck, even 25 yr old, 35 yr old women get kidnapped/raped. So at what age can I let my daughter do things and go places by herself? Never? So my friend said, of course, she must become independent one day, must be allowed the freedoms of any adult, be able to go to the store, trips by herself, etc. - but that I should get this book and just teach her to be careful and trust her instincts.

My friend told me there's advice in the book that kids should go to a person in uniform when they're lost, and preferably to a woman. My friend said the book addresses the POV of a man who is offended by this advice, because he is a nice man and would help little kids. But the author points out that the kids wouldn't know that you happen to be nice, so the nice man needs to understand the POV of other people (esp. women and children), they will and should distrust you.

So Dave, the experience of being a woman is completely different from that of a man. Maybe when you have a daughter you'd understand. If you would try to see things from our perspective, you'd understand why many women do not wish to be approached by an unknown man. See the bolded quote above.

I relate to deadcake's point - it's very similar to the way French people (in general) deal with other people. within French culture, between French people, you generally do not just come up to someone & say, basically, "hey how ya doin'?!?" regardless of how "nice" the person/guy is or may seem, regardless of their good/wholesome/innocuous intentions.

Americans who know little or nothing about French people normally see this as the French being "snobby" or "cold".. but it's not that. in French culture - if you (as a "foreigner") want to fit into you, you have to learn how to do what they do. I lived in France for a few years.. & 90% of the French I met/know are friendly - IF you are in (or put yourself in) a situation within their social codes that gives them (& you) the opportunity to be that way.

so, if - like deadcake said - you (momentarily) share a small experience of some sort, then that could be the opening to start talking about that little experience or whatever.

then, I definitely relate to artist76's perspective. I have a 4-year daughter who is as friendly & as open as any child you'd meet. she will learn - she will be taught - that she cannot just say hi to anybody or start opening up to any person she doesn't know. in this day & age, there are simply too many sick, evil & dangerous people out there in the world. my daughter is so innocent, so trusting of everyone.. part of me really hates to have to "bust her bubble" about how some people are..

but I absolutely will do that.

I want her to err on the side of caution & not feel guilty or bad because she didn't respond to some guy sitting next to her on a bus (or where ever)..

obviously I never would want to learn that she got abducted by Lord knows who

even if that guy seemed "harmless"..

I am a man - a grown man.. &

I

don't readily talk to people - men or women - that I don't know

or with whom I don't have some "organic shared commonality or experience" from which a verbal exchange could come.

justErin also made a valid point: that most of the time, someone - typically a male - will approach someone because they see something - physically or otherwise - that motivates (=attracts) them to go talk to that woman/person.

as for Dave1992 himself - he introduced a good, thought-provoking thread. I can see his overall perspective.. but even if he believes that it's too bad that it's this way now/today..

oh well.

it is still the way it is..

there still are too many sick & evil people in this world.

right or wrong, most of these sick & evil people are male.

that's not "male bashing" - that's how it is.

as also previously suggested, Dave1992 might want to look a little deeper (more honestly?) at his motivation/rationale for approaching unaccompanied woman in any situation.

a little earlier in this thread someone mentioned Ted Bundy - enough said.

Ted Bundy (should have) ruined it for all "decent guys" - for the rest of all time.

people who supposedly "knew him very well" had

NO IDEA

about all the horrible & disgusting things he did - to women - for years.

if Bundy could come across as the "wholesome all-American guy"

& wreak all the havoc & destruction that he did..

then anybody else could too.

It's not just France, lots of countries share same etiquette. Did you not also spend some time living in Italy? was that different?

Dave is a european and I have heard lots of european men complaining that outside of their country talking to strange women is "hitting on them" when supposedly that's not what they mean at all since their noble intention is to treat women as equals I had a friend long time ago from Iran that loved it so much in Sweden because over there talking to a woman was just that, TALKING without ulterior motive assumed.

deadcake, I have lived in Italia &, in fact, I'm going back next month - likely for a very long time!

in Italia, I think it depends on where you are. my wife is from the very southern part of Italia - Taranto. in southern Italia - Napoli (Naples) & below - Italians tend to be rather open.. so it seems like just up & talking to someone you didn't know (male or female) wouldn't seem so strange or out of place because in general, Italians in this part of the country are relatively more open. my wife says that northern Italians are more.. "reserved" compared to the Italians in the south.

all that said, I think that if an Italian dude approaches & starts to talk to a woman

he probably has an "alterior motive" in mind.

my wife has told me - & I've seen it firsthand more times than I can count:

Italian men do not hesitate to approach or talk to a woman they think is attractive.

in response to some other threads I've (since) read..

I don't think men have "sex on the brain 24-7"

but

I do think that.. "sex on the brain" can be.. "activated" in a man

(I say "activated" for lack of a better word..)

meaning:

in general, I think that most men compartmentalize the different parts of their lives

&

they focus on whatever it is that they have to focus on or do in that particular moment.

so, when he's at work, he's generally focusing on work.

if he's at the gym, he's focusing on getting in his workout.

if he's watching a game on tv, he's focusing on that game or his favorite team in that game.

etc.

so if a man is doing something

& then he sees a woman that gets his interest

(because he finds her attractive, something about her appearance gets his attention, whatever..)

then that woman becomes his focus at that time.

if he finds that woman - who he doesn't know - THAT ATTRACTIVE.. then it's possible that he will think about approaching her.. or actually approach her.

so.. I don't think that most men think "constantly" about sex..

but it doesn't take much - or take long - for "sex" to become the predominant thought

in a man's head..

I just thought about the "pick-up" scene in the movie "crazy, stupid love"

between Steve Carell's character & Marisa Tomei's character

very funny

& I think about the gist of this movie in this thread.

this is a VERY GOOD movie - go see it/rent it

tonight

if you haven't already.

jone70 said:

tinaz said:

Thanks! My husband gets mad at me because I am pretty trusting for the most part... Heck, he got mad at me In Chicago cuz I high fived a homeless guy who came up to me and was being silly, and he was harmless!!! ... But that instance at the park scared me... I made sure to always bring my pepper spray after that!

I used to be kind of like that, too. I grew up in a rural area of northwestern Iowa, where people take one another at face value and, for the most part, everyone does have good intentions. I used to always assume people were telling me the truth and were sincere, had good intentions. But after living in southern France, Chicago, and New York, (or maybe just from getting older), I have become much less trusting, especially of strangers. As a female in a large city, one has to constantly be aware of their surroundings and alert to people trying to hustle you! When I go back to visit my parents, the niceness is somewhat disconcerting to me - now I'm always skeptical whether people could genuinely be *that* nice without some sort of ulterior motive. I'm jaded.

I keep thinking of this post.

How clearly you had a wonderful memorable moment that was pure spontaneity with the homeless man. That is from going with your gut and having good instincts.

Some homeless people are harmless some carry switchblades. Some seriously pretty people are not afraid of killing their date or just robbing them others are just pretty.

Judging people simply by sight alone can set you up for danger as well as missing opportunities. Many brilliant people are not so pretty.

Anyway it appears from both this post and the one on the freaky runner that you have good instincts and better yet,learn to trust them and enjoy life too. People who play it safe by trusting no one miss out on many great and beautiful moments.

Genius lies in instincts, spontaneity, and chance.

As Steve Jobs said "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish"

[Edited 2/24/12 12:08pm]

Women are pretty damn narcissistic if they think a man approaching them automatically means he WANTS sex from them. While approaching someone often means that you could consider having sex with her as far as her physical qualities are concerned, it's a different deal if you really want to have sex with her after you get to know the person better.

I met someone a few weeks ago, but ditched her pretty quickly after she made some less than flattering comments about certain minorities. That didn't make me want to have sex with her.

Just give the guys a chance to get to know the other person too and let them decide only after that whether they want to have sex with that person or not. It's not just the women's right.

novabrkr said:

Women are pretty damn narcissistic if they think a man approaching them automatically means he WANTS sex from them. While approaching someone often means that you could consider having sex with her as far as her physical qualities are concerned, it's a different deal if you really want to have sex with her after you get to know the person better.

I met someone a few weeks ago, but ditched her pretty quickly after she made some less than flattering comments about certain minorities. That didn't make me want to have sex with her.

Just give the guys a chance to get to know the other person too and let them decide only after that whether they want to have sex with that person or not. It's not just the women's right.

Maybe "wants" is not the right word; "seriously considering" may sound better.

if you approach me I think that you find my look interesting, interesting enough to want to hear me speak and get a better idea of what I am like.

After we talk for a few minutes you may think wow "she is nothing like what I thought" and walk away. However, originally you did see something of interest in me.

Deadflow3r said:

novabrkr said:

Women are pretty damn narcissistic if they think a man approaching them automatically means he WANTS sex from them. While approaching someone often means that you could consider having sex with her as far as her physical qualities are concerned, it's a different deal if you really want to have sex with her after you get to know the person better.

I met someone a few weeks ago, but ditched her pretty quickly after she made some less than flattering comments about certain minorities. That didn't make me want to have sex with her.

Just give the guys a chance to get to know the other person too and let them decide only after that whether they want to have sex with that person or not. It's not just the women's right.

Maybe "wants" is not the right word; "seriously considering" may sound better.

if you approach me I think that you find my look interesting, interesting enough to want to hear me speak and get a better idea of what I am like.

After we talk for a few minutes you may think wow "she is nothing like what I thought" and walk away. However, originally you did see something of interest in me.

It's not a case of thinking "every man wants me!", it's just knowing that that's their main thought process - it's why they're bothering to talk to you in the first place. I know once we chat they might no longer find me attractive.

I recently had a guy hitting on me telling me about his crack-smoking friends and when he asked me what I was doing that evening I told him about attending a physics lecture at the university of minnesota. He then proceeded to tell me about his "smart" friends. He asked if I had a boyfriend and when I told him I did and turned to go he tried to keep me from walking away. Then he yelled after me "I wasn't trying to get laid!"

CarrieMpls said:

It's not a case of thinking "every man wants me!", it's just knowing that that's their main thought process - it's why they're bothering to talk to you in the first place. I know once we chat they might no longer find me attractive.

I recently had a guy hitting on me telling me about his crack-smoking friends and when he asked me what I was doing that evening I told him about attending a physics lecture at the university of minnesota. He then proceeded to tell me about his "smart" friends. He asked if I had a boyfriend and when I told him I did and turned to go he tried to keep me from walking away. Then he yelled after me "I wasn't trying to get laid!"

I love those -- the guys who are clearly hitting on you and then get all indignant when you reject them or tell them you have a boyfriend. You suddenly turn from someone they were interested in talking with into a "f*cking b*tch" that they didn't want to have sex with anyway.

The trouble with the dating world is similar to the problem with politics.

The qualified ones and the ones with the confidence to ask for your vote are often not the same people.

NDRU said: