The Christian Way to Find a Wife

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.

- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her.

- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.

- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.

- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.

- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.

- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.

- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.

- David (I Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)

- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.

- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."

- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).

- David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).

- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.

- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife?...NOT!!!


LOL!!!

- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people.

- Jesus (Revelation 15?)

no matter what the devil does, the truth will prevail... atheists can keep on keepin' on... Notice how they always try 2 knock down the truth when there r several discussions on God going on...

@ atheists... ur day will come... rock on!

RaneStarr said:

Jeeezuz, have you NO sense of humor? This is no different than the atheist jokes on the other thread... why are you SO threatened by this?

IceNine said:

not threatened at all... since the beginning of time the devil has used his followers 2 knock down believers and we still here... so u keep on doin' ur thang, and eye'll keep doing my thang and we'll even out the Good Vs Evil threads... knockurselfout!

since the beginning of time the devil has used his followers 2 knock down believers and we still here

This is a damn good argument against people's insistance to use the Bible to damn gay people to hell. You are gonna condemn me for being gay but let's look at the original doctrine Christianity is founded on and see that there is nothing "godly" about it. These are great examples Ice
[This message was edited Fri Nov 1 15:18:05 PST 2002 by SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy]

RaneStarr said:

This has nothing to do with anything.


[This message was edited Fri Nov 1 15:25:04 PST 2002 by Natsume]

Natsume said:

of course not, that is y every time there is a thread of + there is always the - 2 knock it down

RaneStarr said:

Not my point.

You do know that if you're an atheist it doesn't necessarily mean you believe in 'the devil' either, right?

A beautiful thread! Would love to hear the literal bible thumpers responses. Seems that ole book needs some updatin'!

TheMax said:

as eye said b4, after the death of christ all customs to atone sins were stopped... that was the entire purpose of Jesus's death... 2 die 4 our sins

You are going to wear a hole in the cover of your bible if you keep thumping it so hard!

:LOL:

Jesus loves u Ice

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

4give them lord 4 they do not know what they do! ... 4 ur in4mation... after the death of christ all these laws/customs mentioned above changed.

RaneStarr said:

Jesus is Dead.If he ever existed.

David Blaine would have been considered Jesus 2000 years ago.

Seriously.Have you ever considered Jesus maybe was a Magician? nothing more,nothing less.

Thecherryloon said:

nope, because eye have had the holy spirit upon me, and when eye was young and had all these questions about religion and god, humanity, and world hunger eye picked up the bible, prayed 4 guidance and understanding and the lord spoke 2 me thru the holy spirit and thru the bible and he xplained 2 me how everythang worked =)

(some lessons 2ook several years to learn, still learning and hopefully will be learning till eye die)