Oh funkpiiiiiiill,

come out, come out

whereever you are

in the mean time... AMUSE ME!!!

AMUUUUUSSSE MEEEEEEE!!!

An old man was sitting on a park bench, crying. A woman came up to him and said, "What's the matter? Are you homeless?"

"No," said the old man. "In fact, I live in a large mansion. I have a beautiful 23-year-old wife who is a gourmet cook, lets me smoke cigars any time I want, and does everything in bed that I can dream of!"

"Then why are you crying?" asked the lady.

"Because I can't remember where I live!"

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.

"Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.

He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man. “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …” said the old man, and then he stopped. “Except what?” asked the businessman. “Nothing, nothing,” said the old man. “C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman. “Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick,’” the old man said. “So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!” The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.” The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dick, get back in your box!” The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, “I’ll take it!” The old man resisted and said it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dick, my pussy.” He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said “Voodoo dick, my pussy!” The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.

So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!”

I know you're gonna like this one:

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed.

In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.

When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.

Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, andthe future is full of shit!"

A young man from the city wanted to ask his girl to marry him, and she said, "I come from an old-fashioned farming family. You have to go to our farm and ask my dad for my hand in marriage". The man is deeply, deeply in love so he jumps right in his car and drives to the family farm, where he meets his beloved's father.

"I am in love with your daughter, and I want to marry her. May I have your blessing?" says the man. "Well," drawls the farmer, "I have to know you can satisfy my daughter. After all, that's the most important thing in a marriage. So, you see that cow in the pasture? Prove you've got what it takes. Satisfy that cow!"

The man says, "Anything for the woman I love!", runs out to the pasture, and sexes up the cow. He comes back and says, "May I have your blessing?"

"Hmmm, not bad," says the farmer. "But ol' Bessie's been done by everyone in the county. To be really sure, I need to see you satisfy that goat over there".

"The man says, "Antyhing for the woman I love!" and bones the goat. He comes back and says, "Now may I have your blessing?"

"That was good, no doubt," says the farmer. "And I'm almost convinced. If you want to seal the deal, let me see what you can do with that pig in the pen over there".

The man says, "Anything for the woman I love!" and boinks the pig. He comes back and the farmer tells him, "OK son. I'm convinced. You can marry my daughter".

The man says, "To hell with your daughter! How much do you want for that pig?!?!?!"

.

[Edited 11/14/14 9:09am]

It's one of those days, ain't it?

Rodeo'

While examining the the body of Mr. KingBAD - many, many, many, many, many years from whenever you are reading this - a mortician notices that KingBAD has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. KingBAD," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams, "KingBAD is dead!"

.

[Edited 11/14/14 16:14pm]

Three guys arrive at The Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Hey guys, we're a little full right now. I can only admit one of you at this time. Tell me how you died and whoever has the best story, gets in today".

The first guy says, "I lived in a high-rise, on the 40th floor. I was exercising on my balcony one afternoon, lost my balance, and fell over the edge. But I was able to grab onto the ledge of the neighbor's pation right below me. I was hanging on for dear life, when the neighbor came out. But instead of pulling me up, he began stepping on my fingers! Still, I was able to hold on but he got a hammer and smashed all my fingers! I fell 39 stories but landed in some bushes. I was alive! Just as I was getting to my feet, I looked up and saw a refrigerator plummeting down at me! It landed on me, and here I am."

The second guy says, "I lived on the 39th floor of a highrise. I was sure my wife was having an affair so I came home early one day to catch her in the act. I searched all over and didn't find anyone, but then I saw ten fingers on the balcony! Obviously my wife's lover was trying to hide from me by dangling from my balcony, so I went outside and stomped on his fingers but he wouldn't let go. So I got my hammer, came back, and broke his fingers. He fell 39 stories but landed in a bush and I could see he was still alive. Furious, I pushed my refrigerator to the balcony and over the edge, hoping to crush him. But the stress and strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

The third guys says, "Picture this - I'm hiding in a refrigerator..."

Teacher: "Aside from KingBAD, can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?"

Little Johnny: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex (obviously she was not married to KingBAD). Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working. So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner.

That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.

Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" "No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"

"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you. Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty. "

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

”I think you're bad luck."

RodeoSchro said:

An old man was sitting on a park bench, crying. A woman came up to him and said, "What's the matter? Are you homeless?"

"No," said the old man. "In fact, I live in a large mansion. I have a beautiful 23-year-old wife who is a gourmet cook, lets me smoke cigars any time I want, and does everything in bed that I can dream of!"

"Then why are you crying?" asked the lady.

"Because I can't remember where I live!"

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Yeah - my wife."

Man gets into a crowded hotel elevator and one of the passengers is a beautiful, buxom woman. As he squeezes in, he accidentally bumps into her with his arm.

"I'm terribly sorry," he says, "But if your heart is as warm and soft as your bosom, my name is Bill and I'm in room 235".

The lady says, "Mister, if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 451!"

A woman got married, but her husband was abusive. She got remarried and that husband ran out on her. She got married again and that husband failed in bed.

Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed."

The next day, the doorbell rings. There is a man with no arms and no legs. "Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says. "Tell me a little about yourself," says the very surprised lady.

"Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies.

"How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks.

He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Two lawyers shared everything 50/50 at the office - even the secretary. One day, the secretary informed them she was pregnant. They discussed it, and told the secretary that they didn't want any paternity tests. Rather, they'd share all parenting duties and expenses 50/50. The secreatry thought about it, and agreed.

On the day she went into labor, both lawyers accompanied her to the hospital. During labor, one of the lawyers stepped out to make a call. When he came back, he found his partner crying. "What happened?!?" he asked.

His partner said, "She had twins, and mine died".

Where's the best place to hide a body?

Page two of Google.

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

RodeoSchro said:

While examining the the body of Mr. KingBAD, a mortician notices that KingBAD has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. KingBAD," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams, "KingBAD is dead!"

you think makin my dick big

is enough to get away with killin me???

i guess that was prtty funny

KingBAD said:

RodeoSchro said:

While examining the the body of Mr. KingBAD - many, many, many, many, many years from whenever you are reading this - a mortician notices that KingBAD has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. KingBAD," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams, "KingBAD is dead!"

you think makin my dick big

is enough to get away with killin me???

i guess that was prtty funny

OK, I edited it!

[Edited 11/14/14 16:13pm]