It just is.

I think it goes against our nature to be monogamous, but Western society expects us to be.

Monogamy is a choice.

I myself cannot be 100% monogamous, I consider myself monogam-ish: there has to be some room to fool around with someone else at some stage. Doesn't have to be often, but the idea that I'm only limited to having sex with one and the same person for the rest of my life will not work for me. I'm always upfront about it when meeting a potential partner

Swans, snow-geese, gibbons, wolves, albatrosses, voles, turtle doves...caring, grooming, huddling each other for life.

Just a few examples from nature to demonstrate that monogamy can be in fact normal and natural.

Human beings are a strange creature...we are a varied species with many differences.

This issue is one where we different...it's not a one-size-fits-all type of thing.

Some people are meant to be polyamorous.

Some people are meant to be monogamous.

Whatever makes you happy...so long as you are honest to yourself & your partner(s).

No disrespect here... but I think those of you who say its unnatural just havent found the one you want to be with.. The one who you cant imagine living without..

tinaz said:

No disrespect here... but I think those of you who say its unnatural just havent found the one you want to be with.. The one who you cant imagine living without..

While I do think finding the right person might help someone be monogamous when they previously weren't interested, I do think it's more difficult for some people than others. If someone knows they have a hard time with it or finds it “unnatural” for themselves, I would tend to believe them. I know what feels right for me, I’m not going to tell someone else what feels right for them.

But that’s just it. It’s very individual. Some folks find it difficult, others know it’s the only way for them.

CarrieMpls said:

tinaz said:

No disrespect here... but I think those of you who say its unnatural just havent found the one you want to be with.. The one who you cant imagine living without..

While I do think finding the right person might help someone be monogamous when they previously weren't interested, I do think it's more difficult for some people than others. If someone knows they have a hard time with it or finds it “unnatural” for themselves, I would tend to believe them. I know what feels right for me, I’m not going to tell someone else what feels right for them.

But that’s just it. It’s very individual. Some folks find it difficult, others know it’s the only way for them.

I completely agree Carrie.. But Its not nice to call it Unnatural, or Abnormal.. because it isnt to some people... You can say its hard, or I dont like it or it doesnt work for me, as macdaddy has done... OP is just offensive to the other half who find it "normal"

iaminparties said:

It just is.

It is against all nature.............it really is.

Monogamy shouldn't be a rule that is forced upon a relationship, because that way it will only serve an illusion and suppress unwanted emotions (which will still be there, nevertheless). The illusion that "you shouldn't sleep with other people when you're 'with' someone" only serves to get rid of the effect, but never deals with the causel, which might simply be that your "significant other" doesn't give you all that you want/need.

However, if we are free to do whatever we want to, and still only sleep with that one person, because we simply don't want anybody else, it can be quite a beautiful thing. Plus, that way people will feel more free to talk about their feelings and what they want, which will help getting rid of the root of the "problem" between two people, so that they can work it out together.

If thinking of somebody else is labelled as taboo overall, nobody will be brave enough to admit it, because it is seen as a character flaw (whereas the flaw lies in the relationship already at that point!). If everything is perfect, why would anybody want to sleep with someone else? If enough things aren't good enough, why would anybody have to hold back from sleeping with someone else?

Graycap23 said:

iaminparties said:

It just is.

It is against all nature.............it really is.

No, it's not. It is not against "all" nature.

morningsong said:

Dave1992 said:

Monogamy shouldn't be a rule that is forced upon a relationship, because that way it will only serve an illusion and suppress unwanted emotions (which will still be there, nevertheless). The illusion that "you shouldn't sleep with other people when you're 'with' someone" only serves to get rid of the effect, but never deals with the causel, which might simply be that your "significant other" doesn't give you all that you want/need.

However, if we are free to do whatever we want to, and still only sleep with that one person, because we simply don't want anybody else, it can be quite a beautiful thing. Plus, that way people will feel more free to talk about their feelings and what they want, which will help getting rid of the root of the "problem" between two people, so that they can work it out together.

If thinking of somebody else is labelled as taboo overall, nobody will be brave enough to admit it, because it is seen as a character flaw (whereas the flaw lies in the relationship already at that point!). If everything is perfect, why would anybody want to sleep with someone else? If enough things aren't good enough, why would anybody have to hold back from sleeping with someone else?

My bf and I talk about being attracted to other people. He tells me when he's checking another chick out or has a silly crush on, say a waitress at a place we go to. That's all well and good. If he made a point to start frequenting that restaurant without me and/or asked her out then we'd have a problem. You don't lose your attraction to other people just because you're in love, especially after many years in a relationship and the newness has worn off. It doesn't mean something is lacking in our relationship, and even if it did, then we'd talk about it and do what we can to fix it.

Monogamy is no illusion, my friend. I have no illusions that we aren't attracted to other people, we just don't act on it or put ourselves in positions to be tempted further than appreciating a small attraction.

CarrieMpls said:

Dave1992 said:

Monogamy shouldn't be a rule that is forced upon a relationship, because that way it will only serve an illusion and suppress unwanted emotions (which will still be there, nevertheless). The illusion that "you shouldn't sleep with other people when you're 'with' someone" only serves to get rid of the effect, but never deals with the causel, which might simply be that your "significant other" doesn't give you all that you want/need.

However, if we are free to do whatever we want to, and still only sleep with that one person, because we simply don't want anybody else, it can be quite a beautiful thing. Plus, that way people will feel more free to talk about their feelings and what they want, which will help getting rid of the root of the "problem" between two people, so that they can work it out together.

If thinking of somebody else is labelled as taboo overall, nobody will be brave enough to admit it, because it is seen as a character flaw (whereas the flaw lies in the relationship already at that point!). If everything is perfect, why would anybody want to sleep with someone else? If enough things aren't good enough, why would anybody have to hold back from sleeping with someone else?

My bf and I talk about being attracted to other people. He tells me when he's checking another chick out or has a silly crush on, say a waitress at a place we go to. That's all well and good. If he made a point to start frequenting that restaurant without me and/or asked her out then we'd have a problem. You don't lose your attraction to other people just because you're in love, especially after many years in a relationship and the newness has worn off. It doesn't mean something is lacking in our relationship, and even if it did, then we'd talk about it and do what we can to fix it.

Monogamy is no illusion, my friend. I have no illusions that we aren't attracted to other people, we just don't act on it or put ourselves in positions to be tempted further than appreciating a small attraction.

I said that forced monogamy creates an illusion of a perfect relationship, whereas it only covers up problems that lie underneath.

Monogamy that stems from love, appreciation and the feeling that no other person can make you happy is real and can be quite fulfilling.

I'm just saying that one should differentiate between the two.

Dave1992 said:

CarrieMpls said:

My bf and I talk about being attracted to other people. He tells me when he's checking another chick out or has a silly crush on, say a waitress at a place we go to. That's all well and good. If he made a point to start frequenting that restaurant without me and/or asked her out then we'd have a problem. You don't lose your attraction to other people just because you're in love, especially after many years in a relationship and the newness has worn off. It doesn't mean something is lacking in our relationship, and even if it did, then we'd talk about it and do what we can to fix it.

Monogamy is no illusion, my friend. I have no illusions that we aren't attracted to other people, we just don't act on it or put ourselves in positions to be tempted further than appreciating a small attraction.

I said that forced monogamy creates an illusion of a perfect relationship, whereas it only covers up problems that lie underneath.

Monogamy that stems from love, appreciation and the feeling that no other person can make you happy is real and can be quite fulfilling.

I'm just saying that one should differentiate between the two.

What is forced monogamy, then?

No one can "force" anyone into mongamy. It's a choice. Are you talking about someone with a gun or knife? Government making laws against it? I don't think I understand what you're talking about.

CarrieMpls said:

Dave1992 said:

I said that forced monogamy creates an illusion of a perfect relationship, whereas it only covers up problems that lie underneath.

Monogamy that stems from love, appreciation and the feeling that no other person can make you happy is real and can be quite fulfilling.

I'm just saying that one should differentiate between the two.

What is forced monogamy, then?

No one can "force" anyone into mongamy. It's a choice. Are you talking about someone with a gun or knife? Government making laws against it? I don't think I understand what you're talking about.

I'm talking about choosing not to sleep with someone else because it's "inappropriate" (even though the urge would be there, hence "forced").

If you want to have sex with someone else, the problem is already there and it shows that you are not fulfilled.

However, if society/your "significant other/whoever "allowed" you to sleep with someone else, but you yourself simply didn't have the urge to do so, it can only be because you are truly happy and have everything you want to have. That should be the only reason for monogamy. And that is a truly beautiful reason.

Dave1992 said:

CarrieMpls said:

What is forced monogamy, then?

No one can "force" anyone into mongamy. It's a choice. Are you talking about someone with a gun or knife? Government making laws against it? I don't think I understand what you're talking about.

I'm talking about choosing not to sleep with someone else because it's "inappropriate" (even though the urge would be there, hence "forced").

If you want to have sex with someone else, the problem is already there and it shows that you are not fulfilled.

However, if society/your "significant other/whoever "allowed" you to sleep with someone else, but you yourself simply didn't have the urge to do so, it can only be because you are truly happy and have everything you want to have. That should be the only reason for monogamy. And that is a truly beautiful reason.

Ah. I don't agree with that. In the course of a 50-year marriage I think it's very possible to have the "urge" to sleep with someone else, possibly multiple times. I don't think wanting to sleep with someone is the problem, it's how you handle it that matters. It's not "forced," it's an agreement you made to your partner. Now, if you choose not to make such an agreement, then that's fine for all concerned. But it's not "forced" monogamy once you're made the agreement. It's all a choice.

CarrieMpls said:

Dave1992 said:

I'm talking about choosing not to sleep with someone else because it's "inappropriate" (even though the urge would be there, hence "forced").

If you want to have sex with someone else, the problem is already there and it shows that you are not fulfilled.

However, if society/your "significant other/whoever "allowed" you to sleep with someone else, but you yourself simply didn't have the urge to do so, it can only be because you are truly happy and have everything you want to have. That should be the only reason for monogamy. And that is a truly beautiful reason.

Ah. I don't agree with that. In the course of a 50-year marriage I think it's very possible to have the "urge" to sleep with someone else, possibly multiple times. I don't think wanting to sleep with someone is the problem, it's how you handle it that matters. It's not "forced," it's an agreement you made to your partner. Now, if you choose not to make such an agreement, then that's fine for all concerned. But it's not "forced" monogamy once you're made the agreement. It's all a choice.

Well, I wouldn't make this kind of "agreement" for the reasons mentioned above. I am ready for the kind of love that will make we want to share my love with that person only, but I don't believe in holding back if the urge is there.

Neither would I expect my woman to suppress her wish of sleeping with someone else, or expect her to "choose" not to sleep with someone else. It's just the wrong way, in my opinion. But I will do my upmost best to please her and give her everything she wants and desires, so that she will never even want to sleep with anyone else (even though she would theoretically be "allowed" to). That is a successful relationship, in my opinion.

Of course it is extremely rare to encounter something like that in reality, but I don't think these idealistic views of love and romance should suffer just because most people can't get their shit together and make someone completely happy, emotionally and sexually.

Dave1992 said:

CarrieMpls said:

Ah. I don't agree with that. In the course of a 50-year marriage I think it's very possible to have the "urge" to sleep with someone else, possibly multiple times. I don't think wanting to sleep with someone is the problem, it's how you handle it that matters. It's not "forced," it's an agreement you made to your partner. Now, if you choose not to make such an agreement, then that's fine for all concerned. But it's not "forced" monogamy once you're made the agreement. It's all a choice.

Well, I wouldn't make this kind of "agreement" for the reasons mentioned above. I am ready for the kind of love that will make we want to share my love with that person only, but I don't believe in holding back if the urge is there.

Neither would I expect my woman to suppress her wish of sleeping with someone else, or expect her to "choose" not to sleep with someone else. It's just the wrong way, in my opinion. But I will do my upmost best to please her and give her everything she wants and desires, so that she will never even want to sleep with anyone else (even though she would theoretically be "allowed" to). That is a successful relationship, in my opinion.

Of course it is extremely rare to encounter something like that in reality, but I don't think these idealistic views of love and romance should suffer just because most people can't get their shit together and make someone completely happy, emotionally and sexually.

I'm far more practical. Most people don't hold up to our ideals, myself included. I'd rather lay out realistoc and clear expectations and work towards them, communicating all the way.

No, it isn't--several species of animals are monogamous by nature.

I don't think there's anything strange about people losing interest in their partners after a certain time spent with them. However, I'm quite convinced that it's "natural" to stay committed to you partner and your family at least during the period when the children are growing up. The idea that all men are "designed" to mate with as many as women as possible doesn't seem correct to me.

nd33 said:

morningsong said:

So is wearing shoes or pants, sitting a commode, sleeping in a bed and a host of things we do on a daily basis that make life bearable. In other words we found out that just being purely natural sometimes doesn't work out so well for human beings as a group. Monogamy is very challenging and a lot are not up to the challenge.

Not necessary to put down people who don't wish to partake in monogamy by saying they're not up to the challenge. Sounds like a dumb challenge. People should just do what they want as long as they're not hurting anyone else. The "challenge" of not ever having physical relations with anyone except one particular person for a whole lifetime, when you are sure as hell also attracted to other people, seems like a big waste of time. You think someone's gonna give you a medal on your deathbed? I'd rather my challenges be things like writing a really good song, doing my job successfully and gaining the respect of my peers, making a living out of doing something I really enjoy, becoming more proficient at things I like to do and becoming a good cook than some kind of deprivation!

First you're automatically imposing more on what I wrote than what I actually wrote. I could care less what people agree on within their own relationships whether they jump every 3 months to a new one, stay thoroughly committed til death or choose to remain single enjoying other life's challenges. I'm defying saying that monogamy is not natural, period, I'd like to know what do human beings do on a regular basis that is natural yet we still expect each other to do it, no excuses, because it has worked better for our overall survival. It is what it is, bullshitting about doesn't change it. I think it's a silly statement to attach to anything that's difficult and challenging.

.

Even in societies where males can just choose as many mates as they want, when you talk to the woman in those societies, you find out they're not happy, they're just forced to put up with a situation so they deal with it. I don't think there's a system that's going to make anybody happy.

1.) Can't blame Western Society for everything, especially since most societies have monogomy

the 'primitive' Natives of South America mate for life

2.) You can't only because you choose to, not saying you have to, it just means you choose to. If you are lying to a partner or spouse or lead them to believe 1 thing and you are doing something else. Then that is a very different issue.

3.) Many people never learn self control and what to do if a situation occurs... I mean we are dealing with 'appetites'. And many people get in trouble (because you dealing with another human, who may have jealousy issues, diseases, etc) many people bring trouble back to the other person.

4.) I always say go for whatever you want, if you want multiple partners be honest, because someone else does too. But for people to get into a relationship where the other person most likely is looking for straight out monogamy, that's dishonest

5.) Most people don't go deep with sex, sex with the same partner can be a bottomless well of lust desire fantasies etc. Many people don't have sex right.

nd33 said:

morningsong said:

So is wearing shoes or pants, sitting a commode, sleeping in a bed and a host of things we do on a daily basis that make life bearable. In other words we found out that just being purely natural sometimes doesn't work out so well for human beings as a group. Monogamy is very challenging and a lot are not up to the challenge.

Not necessary to put down people who don't wish to partake in monogamy by saying they're not up to the challenge. Sounds like a dumb challenge. People should just do what they want as long as they're not hurting anyone else. The "challenge" of not ever having physical relations with anyone except one particular person for a whole lifetime, when you are sure as hell also attracted to other people, seems like a big waste of time. You think someone's gonna give you a medal on your deathbed? I'd rather my challenges be things like writing a really good song, doing my job successfully and gaining the respect of my peers, making a living out of doing something I really enjoy, becoming more proficient at things I like to do and becoming a good cook than some kind of deprivation!

People talk about a life time, like from the time they come into the world till the time they reach 120yrs their tied to that one person. Most people don't even live to be 55yrs old. Most people start being sexually active from 17-20 depending on gender(something like that) and of course as we age we have less sex. (even with Viagra) so the idea of being with 1 person for a lifetime, shouldn't be that bad, especially because companionship is really big as we get older.
.

Some people aren't up to the challenge, and a lot of people don't know why they do what they do or like what they like. And a lot of people are not honest with what they want or like. If a person doesn't want a monogamous relationship, then be honest with the other person. But a lot of people are not. And that's where hurting others and trouble comes in. There are all kinds of diseases out there, and a lot of troubled people have sex.

.

This definately isn't a perfect world, and sex can be very good or very bad.

morningsong said:

nd33 said:

morningsong said: Not necessary to put down people who don't wish to partake in monogamy by saying they're not up to the challenge. Sounds like a dumb challenge. People should just do what they want as long as they're not hurting anyone else. The "challenge" of not ever having physical relations with anyone except one particular person for a whole lifetime, when you are sure as hell also attracted to other people, seems like a big waste of time. You think someone's gonna give you a medal on your deathbed? I'd rather my challenges be things like writing a really good song, doing my job successfully and gaining the respect of my peers, making a living out of doing something I really enjoy, becoming more proficient at things I like to do and becoming a good cook than some kind of deprivation!

First you're automatically imposing more on what I wrote than what I actually wrote. I could care less what people agree on within their own relationships whether they jump every 3 months to a new one, stay thoroughly committed til death or choose to remain single enjoying other life's challenges. I'm defying saying that monogamy is not natural, period, I'd like to know what do human beings do on a regular basis that is natural yet we still expect each other to do it, no excuses, because it has worked better for our overall survival. It is what it is, bullshitting about doesn't change it. I think it's a silly statement to attach to anything that's difficult and challenging.

.

Even in societies where males can just choose as many mates as they want, when you talk to the woman in those societies, you find out they're not happy, they're just forced to put up with a situation so they deal with it. I don't think there's a system that's going to make anybody happy.

Even in those cultures where polygamy is allowed, there have been interviews with the women in those situations, and from what comes back, I can say isn't natural either. To subject yourself to feeling of jealousy, competition and rejection. Because they all seem to feel those when a new women enters the relationship.

.

If she could have it so she has other men or women as well then cool. But watch how the man reacts if she brings another home.

There you go and here in-lies the issue... because some folks would rather lie for various reasons. They want their cake and they want to eat it too.

Answering the question...

For human beings by in large I think its an unatural state.

PurpleJedi said:

Human beings are a strange creature...we are a varied species with many differences.

This issue is one where we different...it's not a one-size-fits-all type of thing.

Some people are meant to be polyamorous.

Some people are meant to be monogamous.

Whatever makes you happy...so long as you are honest to yourself & your partner(s).

TD3 said:

There you go and here in-lies the issue... because some folks would rather lie for various reasons. They want their cake and they want to eat it too.

Answering the question...

For human beings by in large I think its an unatural state.

PurpleJedi said:

Human beings are a strange creature...we are a varied species with many differences.

This issue is one where we different...it's not a one-size-fits-all type of thing.

Some people are meant to be polyamorous.

Some people are meant to be monogamous.

Whatever makes you happy...so long as you are honest to yourself & your partner(s).

Pretty much.

I am not interested in whether or not it's "natural", "un-natural" or whatever.

It is what it is. Some people want to sleep around. Some people don't.

Just as long as you are HONEST...then that's all that matters. If people were honest to themselves to begin with, many of these problems could be alleviated.

So...if you don't want to be in a committed monogamous relationship, don't commit, AND for God's sake, don't get involved with someone who WANTS monogamy.
Same goes for monogamous people...don't mess around with someone who wants an open relationshio and think that they're going to change (or worse, that you're going to change them!).

If you don't know WHAT the hell you want, then do some soul-searching before messing with someone's life.

PurpleJedi said: