How do you tell someone that without being a complete and total asshole?

I keep attracting people like this in the last few years and it's driving me nuts.

armpit said:

How do you tell someone that without being a complete and total asshole?

I keep attracting people like this in the last few years and it's driving me nuts.

....................here take a cookie and b4 u go leave $200 on the kitchen bench

FuzzyWitch said:

armpit said:

How do you tell someone that without being a complete and total asshole?

I keep attracting people like this in the last few years and it's driving me nuts.

....................here take a cookie and b4 u go leave $200 on the kitchen bench

I get where you're going with that, but I don't see the similarity.

When I start sending you uninvited private messages out of nowhere, talking your head off for extended periods of time about deep-seated family and personal issues, seldom stopping to even talk about anything else or even ask you about yourself, then you might have a leg to stand on.

That's the kind of shit I'm talking about; not me asking one question that's not much more demanding to answer than when someone stops you on the street and asks you what time it is.

[Edited 8/4/11 7:14am]

i realised not long ago that as some ppl get older they become extremely dependant and annoying, constantly needy and shit

as soon as that happens i bolt.... i just dont have the time or energy to deal with it

FuzzyWitch said:

i realised not long ago that as some ppl get older they become extremely dependant and annoying, constantly needy and shit

as soon as that happens i bolt.... i just dont have the time or energy to deal with it

Yeah, usually my innate tendency is to either take off, or go off.

I'm trying to turn a new leaf and shit and not do either one since the feedback I get from people is that apparently both of those hurt and are really mean.

Hence, me asking the most diplomatic, kind way to go about this.

armpit said:

FuzzyWitch said:

i realised not long ago that as some ppl get older they become extremely dependant and annoying, constantly needy and shit

as soon as that happens i bolt.... i just dont have the time or energy to deal with it

Yeah, usually my innate tendency is to either take off, or go off.

I'm trying to turn a new leaf and shit and not do either one since the feedback I get from people is that apparently both of those hurt and are really mean.

Hence, me asking the most diplomatic, kind way to go about this.

if they r mean, nothing u say or do will stop them from being assholes on a mission

the sooner the better - u need to bolt!!!!!!!!!!!!

FuzzyWitch said:

armpit said:

Yeah, usually my innate tendency is to either take off, or go off.

I'm trying to turn a new leaf and shit and not do either one since the feedback I get from people is that apparently both of those hurt and are really mean.

Hence, me asking the most diplomatic, kind way to go about this.

if they r mean, nothing u say or do will stop them from being assholes on a mission

the sooner the better - u need to bolt!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually they started off really over-the-top complimentary, blowing smoke up my ass. That ended fast though and before long they started dumping their issues on me and periodically being passive-aggressively insulting. I kinda suspect that was something they pre-planned, that they came into this with that agenda from the beginning. They'll rattle on about themselves incessantly then throw me a random bone, probably to keep me responding to them, then they'll start whining again.

But I'm not entirely sure that they're intentionally, consciously doing this and using me, which is why I don't want to just tell them to fuck off. Unless I figure out some way to say this stuff nicely, I probably will just end up picking the lesser of the two evils and just stop responding.

take'em to a bar, they pay for all the drinks, you drink from the top-shelf all night long and bend an ear... win-win if you ask me... you can finally try some of those reeaally old single malts that are always out of reach...

RenHoek said:

take'em to a bar, they pay for all the drinks, you drink from the top-shelf all night long and bend an ear... win-win if you ask me... you can finally try some of those reeaally old single malts that are always out of reach...

This was an online situation so that wasn't possible.

It all ended up solving itself a few minutes ago anyway when they passive-aggressively insulted me again and I finally just suggested they find someone else to talk to and blocked them.

armpit said:

RenHoek said:

take'em to a bar, they pay for all the drinks, you drink from the top-shelf all night long and bend an ear... win-win if you ask me... you can finally try some of those reeaally old single malts that are always out of reach...

This was an online situation so that wasn't possible.

It all ended up solving itself a few minutes ago anyway when they passive-aggressively insulted me again and I finally just suggested they find someone else to talk to and blocked them.

^ i've been tempted to do just that once or twice but have not quite reached that point yet. namely, because of long-term, real life ties to people i would rather not be quite so brutally honest with. still, love your approach

XxAxX said:

armpit said:

This was an online situation so that wasn't possible.

It all ended up solving itself a few minutes ago anyway when they passive-aggressively insulted me again and I finally just suggested they find someone else to talk to and blocked them.

^ i've been tempted to do just that once or twice but have not quite reached that point yet. namely, because of long-term, real life ties to people i would rather not be quite so brutally honest with. still, love your approach

I said it in the nicest way possible though, I feel all proud of myself now.

Yeah, in your situation I'd probably just grin and bare them. Outside you go : but inside you're thinking, "I fucking hate you!". LOL

armpit said:

XxAxX said:

^ i've been tempted to do just that once or twice but have not quite reached that point yet. namely, because of long-term, real life ties to people i would rather not be quite so brutally honest with. still, love your approach

I said it in the nicest way possible though, I feel all proud of myself now.

Yeah, in your situation I'd probably just grin and bare them. Outside you go : but inside you're thinking, "I fucking hate you!". LOL

no, i tend to use a more passive aggressive approach:

(on the phone) "hang on a sec, have to see what that was ........ oh hey, i hate to let you go but something has come up."

(in person:) "i have GOT to get going here or i will run out of daylight"

because honesty is not always the best policy.

FuzzyWitch said:

i realised not long ago that as some ppl get older they become extremely dependant and annoying, constantly needy and shit

as soon as that happens i bolt.... i just dont have the time or energy to deal with it

I find that with a lot of young people too. It just really shocks me how people, both young and old, come to work and use their co-workers as their therapists.

kitbradley said:

FuzzyWitch said:

i realised not long ago that as some ppl get older they become extremely dependant and annoying, constantly needy and shit

as soon as that happens i bolt.... i just dont have the time or energy to deal with it

I find that with a lot of young people too. It just really shocks me how people, both young and old, come to work and use their co-workers as their therapists.

That happens alot in general, even outside of work situations.

I swear some people just have some kind of pheromone-like thing or general vibe that makes people flock to them and expect comfort. I wasn't one of those people before but apparently now I am?

And it's like, the ones who are after that, somehow have some sort of radar where they can sniff you out, because they always make a beeline right for you.

I freaking hate it, I always feel like people are trying to make me into some kind of mammy-figure and they expect me to put their head to my bosom and hum negro spirituals and put them to sleep or something. *headdesk*

FuzzyWitch said:

i realised not long ago that as some ppl get older they become extremely dependant and annoying, constantly needy and shit

as soon as that happens i bolt.... i just dont have the time or energy to deal with it

i'm kinda in disagreement here. i work with a 24yr old. she is constantly talking about her home life problems.

1. trouble with her boyfriends relatives

2. her child's medical issues

3. her car problems

4. her health issues

5. her money problems

also another co-worker 28yrs

1. her health issues

2. her boyfriend problems

3. how she's always helping (seemingly) ungrateful friends

and finally there is one 50+ lady

1. her past life bad experiences

2. her daughter's husband

3. her car issues

4. her numerous health problems

i don't think it's an age issue from my perspective. however regardless of the older or younger problematic folk. i can tell you when people always and only talk about their problems, it's so draining and after listening to the personal issues by the end of the day i feel exhausted. it's almost like they are (unknowingly) psychic vampires. scary.

finally i've had to say. "hey this is work, i cannot talk to you or listen to your personal problems and issues. i have to carry my own, and i leave them outside of here. i cannot do my job effectively if i have to listen to your problems so often." sometimes they get the hint and sometimes they don't.

so i use a strategy of:

while the person is in the middle of a negative personal story, i interrupt by saying "excuse me, i have to walk away right now, and do so."

I do have to agree with that; I've seen people of all ages and both genders, constantly bitch about their problems like that.

If I got a $ for every time I've been an Org therapist I'd be rich. I'm sure I've dumped issues on people too, but not unreciprocated.

Good thing you solved the problem and in a good way too.

It's hard to keep it in if you're a big talker or the other person opens up about their problems too.

armpit said:

kitbradley said:

I find that with a lot of young people too. It just really shocks me how people, both young and old, come to work and use their co-workers as their therapists.

That happens alot in general, even outside of work situations.

I swear some people just have some kind of pheromone-like thing or general vibe that makes people flock to them and expect comfort. I wasn't one of those people before but apparently now I am?

And it's like, the ones who are after that, somehow have some sort of radar where they can sniff you out, because they always make a beeline right for you.

I freaking hate it, I always feel like people are trying to make me into some kind of mammy-figure and they expect me to put their head to my bosom and hum negro spirituals and put them to sleep or something. *headdesk*

Some of the folks I work with don't seek out anyone in particular. They just talk about their issues/problems with anyone who'll listen. There is one guy in particular who just goes from desk to desk discussing his personal life. He used to stop by my desk and discuss his personal business and I would always have this look on my face like, "do I even fucking know you?" or "why the hell do you think I care?". I think he got the message so he doesn't stop by for his little therapy sessions as much with me anymore. It's not enough that he posts every single, gory detail about his life on facebook but he has to come to work and irritate and bore us all with even more details.