Hi there

I'm just curious and tapping into the wisdom of the org once again.

How are your relationships with exes? Do you feel at peace with them? Are you close friends with them? Do you ever want to change that relationship?

My story: We broke up a year and a half ago. We've remained good friends. We talk on the phone frequently and share day-to-day things. We still go out to dinner and events together, not as often. I always have a sense of slippery slope of sliding back into it when I don't want to. Often, after going out for dinner and spending an evening together, I feel angry. A vague, purposeless anger that eats at me.

Well, I just went on a long wilderness trip. When I got back there were a couple messages from him waiting for me and he called a couple times the next day, wanting to hear all about it. From the perspective of the mountain, I realize now that I am ready to MOVE ON. To really move on. Not be friends, not be in contact. I haven't called him back and have NO desire to!

Is this harsh? I'm afraid if I talk to him about it, that'll just bring us in closer. How do you separate?

What is your story?

I'm friends with all my exes but that doesn't mean I haven't moved on.

But if you don't like the guy, don't bother with him - even as a friend.

I was in a 17 year long very happy relationship and I try deperately to stay close friends as he has been my best friend ever for 20 years and I miss him a lot . But it's very hard to achieve especially as we are both in new relationships now. I have never been good when it comes to letting go and I never will be, so I just hope we can stay friends forever .

I have a similar situation with one of mine. I find it has been working best when I don't initiate any contact and give brief, to the point answers. I can't bring myself to flat out ignore her when she contacts me, so I do my best to give the hint. I also make it a point to not find out any news about her "accidentally" for fear it might stir up old feelings that will go nowhere. So I'm in minimal contact with mutual friends (this is admittedly a bit extreme, I don't suggest you do away with other friendships), her number has long since been deleted, all the old e-mails are pretty much gone minus any that are incriminating because you never know, and her facebook newsfeeds are hidden as are any of mutual friends so I don't have to see her name or any updates about her. She sent the friend request, I figure if she wants to know what I've been up to she is free to do so, but I won't be doing the same.

It's difficult because just when I think she's finally given up on contacting me altogether, something I don't look forward to per se, but I know is necessary, she contacts me out of the blue and is all extra friendly. Add in the fact she now knows my ex-wife and contacts her from time to time, and it makes it more difficult. I have myself to blame for that though. I shouldn't have let it happen, but I thought at the time it would put a wall between the two of us, she wouldn't need to speak to me because she could pick my outgoing ex-wife's brain to get news on how I am.

I guess what I am saying is I don't really have an answer. I am still working toward breaking it off 100% myself without coming across as the jerk. Haven't heard from her in a week or so, but it's gone longer only for her to reintroduce herself in the past.

Also, I suggest selectively answering questions he poses. When she starts asking me all kinds of questions, I pick the ones I am comfortable answering and ignore the rest. He doesn't need to know every minute detail of your life and you aren't obligated to share it simply because you were a couple once upon a time.

heartbeatocean said:

Is this harsh? I'm afraid if I talk to him about it, that'll just bring us in closer. How do you separate?

no. i don't think it's harsh. i also think it shows a great deal of maturity in people when they can remain friends or at least amicable with their exes. IF both parties have a mutual respect and understanding for the situation.

call him back? well, if you've hung out a couple times and have been friendly, why not? call him and just tell him you think it's best to part ways and wish eachother well. if he was an asshole, then i wouldn't; but that doesn't seem to be the case from your story.

many times, i do believe people are called EXES for a reason.

best of luck to you either way.

JustErin said:

I'm friends with all my exes but that doesn't mean I haven't moved on.

But if you don't like the guy, don't bother with him - even as a friend.

Oh, he's a nice enough guy. I think this simmering anger and frustration I feel after hanging out with him stems from the fact that I want a new boyfriend who is very different than him.

heartbeatocean said:

JustErin said:

I'm friends with all my exes but that doesn't mean I haven't moved on.

But if you don't like the guy, don't bother with him - even as a friend.

Oh, he's a nice enough guy. I think this simmering anger and frustration I feel after hanging out with him stems from the fact that I want a new boyfriend who is very different than him.

Ok, then why not just be his friend? If you don't want a boyfriend like him then you don't have to worry about falling into it with him again.

JustErin said:

heartbeatocean said:

Oh, he's a nice enough guy. I think this simmering anger and frustration I feel after hanging out with him stems from the fact that I want a new boyfriend who is very different than him.

Ok, then why not just be his friend? If you don't want a boyfriend like him then you don't have to worry about falling into it with him again.

That's what I thought. We could just be friends, and we are. We could never fall into again because I have no desire to. He would like it to continue it, I'm pretty sure. I don't know. I'm tired of the dynamic, and tired of our conversations.

heartbeatocean said:

JustErin said:

Ok, then why not just be his friend? If you don't want a boyfriend like him then you don't have to worry about falling into it with him again.

That's what I thought. We could just be friends, and we are. We could never fall into again because I have no desire to. He would like it to continue it, I'm pretty sure. I don't know. I'm tired of the dynamic, and tired of our conversations.

I think both of you have to accept it's just friends for you to be just friends.

I got no relationships with ANY exes any more, nothing at all.

heartbeatocean said:

JustErin said:

Ok, then why not just be his friend? If you don't want a boyfriend like him then you don't have to worry about falling into it with him again.

That's what I thought. We could just be friends, and we are. We could never fall into again because I have no desire to. He would like it to continue it, I'm pretty sure. I don't know. I'm tired of the dynamic, and tired of our conversations.

You should offer him just being friends . That's not harsh at all, but I thought you don't want to stay friends .

`

[Edited 12/27/10 6:21am]

CHIC0 said:

heartbeatocean said:

Is this harsh? I'm afraid if I talk to him about it, that'll just bring us in closer. How do you separate?

....just tell him you think it's best to part ways and wish eachother well.

Hi CHICO

Your advice above feels VERY difficult, because I have been actively participating in an ongoing friendship. It's probably not a great thing about me, but when I decide I want to separate from a relationship I REALLY want to separate and I find it very difficult to communicate that to someone. So I tend to withdraw. Honestly, I don't know how best to deal with it, or gracefully.

I'll think about it though. "I think it's best we part ways..."

FauxReal said:

I have a similar situation with one of mine. I find it has been working best when I don't initiate any contact and give brief, to the point answers. I can't bring myself to flat out ignore her when she contacts me, so I do my best to give the hint. I also make it a point to not find out any news about her "accidentally" for fear it might stir up old feelings that will go nowhere. So I'm in minimal contact with mutual friends (this is admittedly a bit extreme, I don't suggest you do away with other friendships), her number has long since been deleted, all the old e-mails are pretty much gone minus any that are incriminating because you never know, and her facebook newsfeeds are hidden as are any of mutual friends so I don't have to see her name or any updates about her. She sent the friend request, I figure if she wants to know what I've been up to she is free to do so, but I won't be doing the same.

It's difficult because just when I think she's finally given up on contacting me altogether, something I don't look forward to per se, but I know is necessary, she contacts me out of the blue and is all extra friendly. Add in the fact she now knows my ex-wife and contacts her from time to time, and it makes it more difficult. I have myself to blame for that though. I shouldn't have let it happen, but I thought at the time it would put a wall between the two of us, she wouldn't need to speak to me because she could pick my outgoing ex-wife's brain to get news on how I am.

I guess what I am saying is I don't really have an answer. I am still working toward breaking it off 100% myself without coming across as the jerk. Haven't heard from her in a week or so, but it's gone longer only for her to reintroduce herself in the past.

Also, I suggest selectively answering questions he poses. When she starts asking me all kinds of questions, I pick the ones I am comfortable answering and ignore the rest. He doesn't need to know every minute detail of your life and you aren't obligated to share it simply because you were a couple once upon a time.

I hear ya!

ZombieKitten said:

heartbeatocean said:

That's what I thought. We could just be friends, and we are. We could never fall into again because I have no desire to. He would like it to continue it, I'm pretty sure. I don't know. I'm tired of the dynamic, and tired of our conversations.

I think both of you have to accept it's just friends for you to be just friends.

I got no relationships with ANY exes any more, nothing at all.

I'm wondering if it's possible to revert to just being friends without some lingering desire hovering above. Maybe if I got a boyfriend, it would be different, and we'd have boundaries established. But then I think I would be LESS inclined to hang out.

booty said:

hell naww

[Edited 8/18/10 22:58pm]

why did you edit it?

Serious said:

heartbeatocean said:

That's what I thought. We could just be friends, and we are. We could never fall into again because I have no desire to. He would like it to continue it, I'm pretty sure. I don't know. I'm tired of the dynamic, and tired of our conversations.

You should offer him just being friends . That's not harsh at all, but I thought you don't want to stay friends .

We've established that we're friends. I made it clear I didn't want to feel like we were dating or anything and he said okay. He's a nice guy. I'm just feeling like ewwww I want space!

heartbeatocean said:

Serious said:

You should offer him just being friends . That's not harsh at all, but I thought you don't want to stay friends .

We've established that we're friends. I made it clear I didn't want to feel like we were dating or anything and he said okay. He's a nice guy. I'm just feeling like ewwww I want space!

I understand how you feel. My ex feels like that too .

Serious said:

heartbeatocean said:

We've established that we're friends. I made it clear I didn't want to feel like we were dating or anything and he said okay. He's a nice guy. I'm just feeling like ewwww I want space!

I understand how you feel. My ex feels like that too .

Mine don't want to actually get back together...just to fuck now and then.

JustErin said:

Serious said:

I understand how you feel. My ex feels like that too .

Mine don't want to actually get back together...just to fuck now and then.

Mine doesn't want to fuck me ...

heartbeatocean said:

booty said:

hell naww

[Edited 8/18/10 22:58pm]

why did you edit it?

i have no clue what i typed before but decided to go with this response

JustErin said:

Serious said:

I understand how you feel. My ex feels like that too .

Mine don't want to actually get back together...just to fuck now and then.

Right. Thats why I refuse to associate in any kind of way with my exes. I cut off all ties immediately.

My ex got really upset when I told him I didnt want to be friends. His backup plan failed.

Serious said:

heartbeatocean said:

We've established that we're friends. I made it clear I didn't want to feel like we were dating or anything and he said okay. He's a nice guy. I'm just feeling like ewwww I want space!

I understand how you feel. My ex feels like that too .

You say above that you try to "desperately" stay close friends... I think I sense that from my ex too, and it's that "desperate" feeling that turns me away. I mean, he won't wait for me to call. If I try to space out our interactions -- it doesn't work. He calls, we talk. Then I think, okay, in a month, I'll give him a call. But he won't wait for that. He'll call me two weeks later. And then three days later.

After about four phone calls now, he has finally stopped calling. But the situation always puts me in a reactive (running) mode, rather than giving me space to CHOOSE to make contact.

And a sort of anger builds up around that.

ThreadCula said:

JustErin said:

Mine don't want to actually get back together...just to fuck now and then.

Right. Thats why I refuse to associate in any kind of way with my exes. I cut off all ties immediately.

My ex got really upset when I told him I didnt want to be friends. His backup plan failed.

Awesome.

I think most guys would like to keep the sex going...and to be honest, most times I do too.

JustErin said:

ThreadCula said:

Right. Thats why I refuse to associate in any kind of way with my exes. I cut off all ties immediately.

My ex got really upset when I told him I didnt want to be friends. His backup plan failed.

Awesome.

I think most guys would like to keep the sex going...and to be honest, most times I do too.

My ex is the opposite. I just sort of, vaguely posed the idea that we weren't suited for each other long term. The next thing I know, he's made a pronouncement that we will stop having sexual relations.

booty said:

heartbeatocean said:

why did you edit it?

i have no clue what i typed before but decided to go with this response

you said it's fun, and then it gets boring

your posts are really vague

heartbeatocean said:

Serious said:

I understand how you feel. My ex feels like that too .

You say above that you try to "desperately" stay close friends... I think I sense that from my ex too, and it's that "desperate" feeling that turns me away. I mean, he won't wait for me to call. If I try to space out our interactions -- it doesn't work. He calls, we talk. Then I think, okay, in a month, I'll give him a call. But he won't wait for that. He'll call me two weeks later. And then three days later.

After about four phone calls now, he has finally stopped calling. But the situation always puts me in a reactive (running) mode, rather than giving me space to CHOOSE to make contact.

And a sort of anger builds up around that.

I guess my ex feels similar to you. Especially as he knows quite well how very much he hurt me by leaving me and how much I am suffering from the break-up. He had told me he wishes we will always be best friends and support each for the rest of our lives and now he just would want me out of his life completely just because he is with someone new .

'

[Edited 10/22/10 7:20am]

Serious said:

heartbeatocean said:

You say above that you try to "desperately" stay close friends... I think I sense that from my ex too, and it's that "desperate" feeling that turns me away. I mean, he won't wait for me to call. If I try to space out our interactions -- it doesn't work. He calls, we talk. Then I think, okay, in a month, I'll give him a call. But he won't wait for that. He'll call me two weeks later. And then three days later.

After about four phone calls now, he has finally stopped calling. But the situation always puts me in a reactive (running) mode, rather than giving me space to CHOOSE to make contact.

And a sort of anger builds up around that.

I guess my ex feels similar to you. Especially as he knows quite well how very much he hurt me by leaving me and how much I am suffering from the break-up. He had told me he wishes we will always be best friends and support each for the rest of our lives and now he just would want me out of his life completely just because he is with someone new .

That sounds really painful and sad! So you're both in new relationships, and it's been some time since you broke up...yet it sounds like you haven't really let go.

I think my ex is still hanging on too, and when I got back from my wilderness trip, it became clear to me that we have to MOVE ON. Like for real. We have sort of been playing each other's significant other since breaking up. I mean, we are not sexually involved anymore, but neither of us has gotten into a new relationship and we sort of act like we're still together, depending on each other for emotional support and sharing etc.

[Edited 9/9/10 21:03pm]

heartbeatocean said:

Serious said:

I guess my ex feels similar to you. Especially as he knows quite well how very much he hurt me by leaving me and how much I am suffering from the break-up. He had told me he wishes we will always be best friends and support each for the rest of our lives and now he just would want me out of his life completely just because he is with someone new .

That sounds really painful and sad! So you're both in new relationships, and it's been some time since you broke up...yet it sounds like you haven't really let go.

I think my ex is still hanging on too, and when I got back from my wilderness trip, it became clear to me that we have to MOVE ON. Like for real. We have sort of been playing each other's significant other since breaking up. I mean, we are not sexually involved anymore, but neither of us has gotten into a new relationship and we sort of act like we're still together, depending on each other for emotional support and sharing etc.

I guess part of the shift came from the fact that I developed a new interest in one of the campers on my trip.

No not at all. The thing us that we have been so very close for pretty much all our adult lives, much closer than most couples. He is my family for me, much more than my "real" family and he still means so much to me . And yes I depend on him for emotional support even though I don't get it anymore .

He probably feels like you that he has to move on and it just hurts me so very much . I could have never imagined we would not stay friends all or lives and I don't even want to think that it might be like that one day .

Serious said:

heartbeatocean said:

That sounds really painful and sad! So you're both in new relationships, and it's been some time since you broke up...yet it sounds like you haven't really let go.

I think my ex is still hanging on too, and when I got back from my wilderness trip, it became clear to me that we have to MOVE ON. Like for real. We have sort of been playing each other's significant other since breaking up. I mean, we are not sexually involved anymore, but neither of us has gotten into a new relationship and we sort of act like we're still together, depending on each other for emotional support and sharing etc.

I guess part of the shift came from the fact that I developed a new interest in one of the campers on my trip.

No not at all. The thing us that we have been so very close for pretty much all our adult lives, much closer than most couples. He is my family for me, much more than my "real" family and he still means so much to me . And yes I depend on him for emotional support even though I don't get it anymore .

He probably feels like you that he has to move on and it just hurts me so very much . I could have never imagined we would not stay friends all or lives and I don't even want to think that it might be like that one day .

How very painful. I'm so sorry. My parents got divorced after 25 years. I still think they are bound to each other in such a deep way that will never change and they both feel the tragedy of their separation very deeply.

My ex told me that he went back to see our therapist and spent the entire session sobbing in grief. I just felt so relieved when we broke up, never shed a tear. So I think part of my difficulty in this situation is having to hurt him.

But we were only together 2 years. And your story sounds much, much more serious. I hope you can find space for yourself and this pain. Sounds like there is a lot left in it to feel.