Here are a couple that I heard recently:

I asked this girl to dinner and she says, "I'm bulimic", and I says, "Well why don't you have an accent?" She says, "It's a disease", and I told her, "Oh we can get some condoms I'm not worried about that."

A blond and red head are having their weekly lunch.

The blond says, "I think I'm going to have to break up with my boyfriend."

The red head says, "Why what's wrong?"

The blond says, "Well he has really, really bad dandruff."

The red head says, "Aww, c'mon, try giving him some Head and Shoulders; that should help."

So the next week, they meet for lunch again.

The blond says, "I broke up with my boyfriend."

The red head says, "Why, what happened?"

The blond says, "Well I couldn't figure out how to give him shoulders."

psychodelicide said:

"Well I couldn't figure out how to give him shoulders."

I think this is the only one I ever post, but here goes:

Q: What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

A: Nothing! They were both stuck up cunts.

PANDURITO said:

psychodelicide said:

"Well I couldn't figure out how to give him shoulders."

TheVoid said:

I think this is the only one I ever post, but here goes:

Q: What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

A: Nothing! They were both stuck up cunts.

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and

engage in an animated conversation..

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more!

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted

indignantly.. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in

public places about our sex lives!'

'Hey, coola down lady ,' said the man. 'Who talkin'

abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell

' Mississippi .'

($50 says you're gonna read this again.)

xpertluva said:

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and

engage in an animated conversation..

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more!

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted

indignantly.. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in

public places about our sex lives!'

'Hey, coola down lady ,' said the man. 'Who talkin'

abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell

' Mississippi .'

($50 says you're gonna read this again.)

I did read it again, which made it even more funny than the first time .

My wife is an earth sign, I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.

2freaky4church1 said:

My wife is an earth sign, I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge, so he pulls over and stops at the side of the bridge.

"What are you doing?!?" he asks her.

"I'm going to commit suicide!" she replies.

"Well, before you jump, would you give me a blowjob?"

(OMG, what a perv!!!)

So she does.

After she finishes, the truck driver says,

"Thanks! Wow, that's a wasted talent! Why are you committing suicide?"

She replied, "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!"

[Edited 7/9/10 2:49am]

[Edited 7/9/10 2:51am]

i used 2 go out with this chick, and 1 day while we were laying in bed, she lets off this massive fart

"1 nil" she says

then all of a sudden she lets off another 1, "2 nil" she says

i looked at her and asked "why do u keep farting and yelling out the score?"

she said "wll theres nothing much 2 do so i thought we'd have a farting competion"

and i looked at her and thought "ill give this fucking bitch a run 4 her money"

so i ripped out a fart and said "2 - 1"

then i ripped out another 1 and said "2 -2" i said

she looked at me and said "ur fucking good!"

then she was trying really hard ..........AND SHE SHIT THE FUCKING BED!!!!!!!!!

then all of a sudden she blows a whistle and says "half time - change sides"

[Edited 7/9/10 13:51pm]

Q.How do you double the value of a Lada?

A. Fill it up with gas!

A man walks into the pub with an owl, a cat and a horse. He goes to the bar and orders a round of 4 beers, one for himself and one for each of the animals.

Next round the owl flies up and pays for the next round, then the horse saunters up and does the same.

The barman thinking its the cat's turn next cannot understand why the man comes up, and then the owl and after that the horse.

Finally by Round 7, they are all rip roaringly drunk, the barman asks the man why the cat has not paid for a round yet.

The man replies "You see I was walking along the beach and found an old lamp, the genie offered me three wishes, and I thought of three god wishes. The first was that I wanted to be as wise as an owl, which was ok. Then the second was to be hung like a horse, and the last one was to have a woman with a really tight pussy". I think the genie didn't quite understand.

Gwen met Randy at a nightclub.

They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place.

When they arrived at her house, they went right for the bedroom.

Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room.

Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill.

Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.

After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?"

"Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

to all em'

Q - What's good on pie but not on pussy?

A - Crust.

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I’m afraid I can’t", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Blonde Jokes from the early 90s (Don't read if you are squeamish or find blonde jokes offensive)

How does the blonde turn the light on after having sex?

She opens the car door

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Two, one to make the dough, the other to shell the M and Ms

Why do blondes wear green lipstick?

They think it means go

Two blondes are driving through the country and notice another blonde in the middle of a field waving her arms in a swimming motion. One turns to the other and goes "Stupid cow, she gives us blondes a bad name" The other says "Yes I know, If I could swim, I would go out there and beat the crap out out of her"

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence

One man asks another man, Are you gay?

The other says "No, shut up and keep sucking"