My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"

My mother taught me REASON
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident"

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen

THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times--Don't
exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY!
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX
"How do you THINK you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite...

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!

Well, I know I have said over half of these to my own children!

I've said over half these things myself.

i just reposted on FB

My mother taught me MY NAME

"Jesus Christ, look at this filth!"

My dad came to my room afterwards:

"Oh Dammit, look at this, what have you done?"

So I said: "But dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"

Alright, I can't take credit for this. Bill Cosby is the real storyteller.

My mother taught me that if I'm going to buy weed, buy it from someone who I know.

I'm not even kidding. That was my drug talk at 13.

MrGravyLumps said:

My mother taught me MY NAME

"Jesus Christ, look at this filth!"

My dad came to my room afterwards:

"Oh Dammit, look at this, what have you done?"

So I said: "But dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"

Alright, I can't take credit for this. Bill Cosby is the real storyteller.

That is my FAVORITE stand up EVER! I could watch that all day!

Acrylic said:

My mother taught me that if I'm going to buy weed, buy it from someone who I know.

I'm not even kidding. That was my drug talk at 13.

prb said:

Acrylic said:

My mother taught me that if I'm going to buy weed, buy it from someone who I know.

I'm not even kidding. That was my drug talk at 13.

She's a hippy ganjababe.

Acrylic said:

prb said:

She's a hippy ganjababe.

@: 2:38

LOL

My mother taught me to pick up something once instead of stepping over it a dozen times.

My mother taught me to be myself at all times.

...and to never keep my big mouth shut.

The HYPOCRISY one should really be HYPERBOLE.

My mother taught me to always check the rear view before I leave the house.

My mother taught me how to be happy with very little. She grew up one of ten immigrant children in a small house, and while some of her siblings came out of that experience money-hungry and determined to never be poor again, my mother came out of it with an exquisite appreciation for everything she had, and an ability to make do no matter what.

By example, she taught me to be selfless.

She taught me how to say "kiss my ass" and "a hundred thousand welcomes" in Irish/Gaelic.

Once she told me, "Never try cocaine - 'cause you'd LOVE it!" Believe it or not, this stuck with me and I never tried it.

FauxReal said:

My mother taught me that money doesn't grow on trees, so sometimes you gotta open a credit card in your son's name without his knowledge or approval. My father on the other hand, taught me the importance of changing the channel when you are done watching cinemax late at night.

^LOL

my momma would throw up the child support card like nothing

"you know the kids are starting school and need them clothes-send me some money".

[Edited 6/11/10 15:14pm]