So my sister has asked the family members to write a letter to my nephew's church detailing why we think he should be confirmed for the Catholic church. He's going through the confirmation process right now. I became his "godfather" when he was born and when I was still a believer. It's been 15 years since I arrived at my conclusion and I came out as an atheist. And, honestly, I never really did find out/pay attention to, what the whole 'godfather' business was about except to give him additional gifts during his birthday and holidays because I was, well, more than just an uncle. They all know about my lack of belief and they all especially know of my hatred for the Catholic Church. (I went to an all-boy's Catholic School growing up and was both mentally and physically abused--thankfully not sexually abused--by those asshole priests.) And with all the media attention on the church right now about the cover-ups of all those child rapes, it all just makes my stomach turn. I asked my mother about the scandal regarding the child rapes and she said, "what scandal?" Which makes it double annoying because I now know she's lying because she reads the NY Times religiously (no pun intended.). And I know my sister will give me the guilt trip as she always does and maybe remind me that she'll pray for my gay-soul. They always make a dig at my "lifestyle choice."

What I'm asking is this: How do I gently decline to write this letter without hurting my nephew?

Inform your Nephew that you support his free will and the exercise thereof. Putting him through a forced education culminating in this confirmation runs directly into conflict with that.

^ Somewhat along the lines of Mars23's advice:


Speak directly to your nephew first, since this is ultimately a choice he will have to make for himself and not for his parents. Let him know that if he chooses confirmation you will support him emotionally but due to your own beliefs you cannot, in good conscience, provide official support.

Remind the parents that by providing official support you are also providing your sanction, something you don't feel you can give. If they want your support, they'll want it given honestly, knowing you share their beliefs. assure them it's not intended as a slight against them personally but that supporting decision you feel is wrong feels like dishonesty.

it sounds like your sister asked the family to write the letters....not your nephew so...find out from your sister how many letters he needs...I mean I'm sure your mom is gonna write one and probably someone else..maybe you won't even have to write one. It seems they don't agree with your lifestyle choices so it seems they would probably not even expect a letter from you...but perhaps since you are the godfather they do? I dunno.. So he's 15....does he know you are gay? you could just explain to him the reality of the situation...and it's not that you don't support him..it's just the church doesn't support you.
and fuck the guilt...don't let them guilt you...they are not supposed to judge, that is to be left to GOD if that's what they truely believe so throw that at them when they try to guilt you.
good luck.

I'd write the letter (actually, I did write the letter, twice, for two of my nephews). Both times, I just made the letter about my nephews and what upstanding citizens they are. I didn't put in anything that I didn't feel was true. It was a good thing to do for my nephews, as far as I was concerned.

Personally, I hate this touchy-feely crap that the church has embraced over the years. In my day, I just got confirmed. No letters, no fuss, no big deal. But that's just me.

Efan said:

I'd pretty much co-sign this. Write the letter. It's for your nephew, not for the church and not for/about you.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

mcmeekle said:

to both of the above.

You were asked to write the letter because you were his baptismal sponsor. That means more than just giving birthday and Christmas gifts - it means that (in the Church's eyes) it is your responsibility to look after his spiritual well-being in the absence of his parents.

As Efan and mcmeekle said, this is about your nephew - not about you.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I could not get past my emotional reaction to see clearly. It is ultimately about my nephew...thanks again.

TheResistor said:

Orgnote

Genesia said:

I also agree with this.

TheResistor said:

You SHOULD have an emotional reaction. I'm guessing your nephew is about 13? Think of all the 13 year olds and below that have been abused by the organization he is being indoctrinated into, including yourself.

Given the choice I would bet most of them would have preferred to be warned going into the experience.

I guess it all comes down to how mature he is and what his wishes are. If he is aware of the organization's reputation and has undergone this willingly, then you could support him with a clear conscience.

Genesia said:

and you can do that without the catholic church if it ever did come down to that