A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”




Add your own lol ...

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Booyah!

Byron said:

oh God.

bluesbaby said:

Hey..!!

Byron said:

hullo you

A guy phones the local hospital and yells "You've gotta send help! My wife's in labor!"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He replies, "No! This is her husband!"

Byron said:

you are telling pastor jokes..you realize that REV?

While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, "Jesus is watching you." To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard.

The burglar asks the parrot, "What's your name?" The parrot says, "Moses."

The burglar goes on to ask, "What kind of person names their parrot Moses?"

The parrot replies, "The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus."

bluesbaby said:

I am? lol ...Bless you, child.

A drunk walks into a bar, stumbles up to the bartender and says "Gimme a beer!". The bartender sees the guy can barely stand still, decides he's already had too much to drink, and tells him "Sorry, you've had too much as it is. I won't serve you." Disappointed, the drunk stumbles back out of the bar and leaves.

10 minutes later, the same drunk walks back into the same bar, and says to the bartender "Gimme a beer!". The bartender gets a little irritated, and says "I already told you, you've had too much to drink already. I won't serve you a drink." Angry, the drunk weaves his way back out of the bar.

5 minutes later, the same drunk runs into the same bar, goes up to the bartender out of breath, and says "Gimme a beer!". The bartender, now fed up completely, says "Look...I told you already that you've had too much to drink and I won't serve you. Now either you call a cab and go home or I'm calling the police!".

Dejected, the drunk starts walking out of the bar again, then stops, turns back towards the bartender and says "Damn....how many bars do you work at, anyway?"

A man goes to the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" asked the doctor.

"That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir," said the dumbfounded Doctor, "I really don't know what to tell you. I've never encountered anything like this before."

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged.

The doctor did as the man said and heard the ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books, However, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

(Q): What did the policeman say to the condom? (A) Cover me -- I'm goin' in!

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a few minutes, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes...but never with a daffodil!"

StarMon said:

Booo!! lol ...

Byron said:

hahahahahahahahha! oh hell, i gotta go to bed..
looked at your website, by the way..your daughter is beautiful!

Byron said:

bluesbaby said:

Yes, she is lol...Enjoy your night ...

A young woman, wearing a tight leather mini-skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket, was waiting for the city bus.

When the young woman stepped up to board the bus, she quickly realized that her skirt was too tight. The embarrassed young woman reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little. She hoped this would give her enough slack to climb the stairs onto the bus. Much to her chagrin, though, that didn't help.

A big Texan, who was in line behind the embarrassed, young woman, gently lifted her from the waist and helped her onto the bus.

As expected, the young woman went ballistic, and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch me! I don't even know who you are!"

The big Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but since you were unzippin' my fly, I kinda figured that we was friends!"

Ok here's another

A Lady goes to see the doctor, what's the problem? the doctor asked. She removes her shirt. the doctor sees a backward letter "P" on her chest. What happened? the doctor asked. The lady says, My boyfriend and I made love last night. He wore a letter sweater. He goes to Princeton. His letter pressed in my chest. Is there anything you can do? The Doctor gives her some salve to apply. Next patient comes in, takes off her shirt. There's a backward letter "B" on her chest. What happened? the doctor asked, The lady says oh..My boyfriend and I made love last night. He wore a letter sweater. He goes to Boston University. His letter pressed in my chest. Is there anything you can do? The Doctor gives her some salve to apply. Next woman comes in, removes her shirt, there's a letter "M" on her chest. Doctor says, Don't tell me.. you have a boyfriend who goes to the University of Maryland. the lady says no, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin U.

StarMon said:

Byron said:

How to talk to your wife:

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: I'm with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that bathrobe.

Byron said:

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.

what do you call shit with holes in it?











swiss shit...

im here all week folks..

Christopher said:

What do you get when you combine swiss cheese with guacamole?

Holy Moly


What do you get when you combine champagne with ripple?

Champipple

Byron said:

haha

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'