how do you forgive when you don't want to forgive?

as many of you know, i just lost my mom on sep 2. my father, despite the fact that he physically and mentally abused my mom, cheated on her their entire marriage, and ultimately left her for another woman (leaving her with five kids), is now offering an olive branch and wants to be part of the family again. my mom made peace with him, on some level (he actually visited her in the hospital the day she died), but i can't. he left at the same age i am now. we did not let him sit with us on the first two pews at the funeral (even though his aunt was up there). i know the bigger thing would be to forgive but not forget, but it's a little too late in my book to try and pull the red wagon and play catch.

what should i do?

Fury said:

i agree that now is not the time to think about forgiveness. you need time to grieve for you mother . But later on down the line it would be best to forgive him for your own sake and sanity-not for his. a great weight would be lifted off your shoulders imo.

hmmm..I hated to read this and not comment...but I don't really know what to say...I'm not sure I could forgive or forget either...you should do what your heart tells you to...if you can omit him from your life without any sense of regret or guilt, so be it...if there's any doubt you can't, maybe you need to talk to him...find out where his head is now compared to where it was back then, not that it'll make anything any better but it would atleast start a dialouge or maybe some closure....
sorry about your mom...

Fury said:

I don't do that very well.

gemini13 said:

I don't do that very well.

I agree with the others. Now is not the time to be dealing with this situation. The first 6 months are going to be very hard and emotionally demanding. You need to concentrate on your own self and deal with your loss first before giving any energy to your father. Just because he wants peace doesn't necessarily mean he really deserves it.

Fury said:

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MENACE TO SOBRIETY

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Fury said:

Fury said:

Well, forgiveness really isn't about the other person. Its about yourself and releasing the anger, hate and rage. Forgiveness doesn't mean that person has access to your life again.

There is a process to forgiveness and right now grieving is more important. Its too much to have to do both BUT I just believe that I'm better when I sit down and process my feelings and then just release it. Its interesting how we hold on to our anger and hatred and the other person is really just ok.

Not to get all biblicial....we are given the same measure of forgiveness that we give. That's some scary ass stuff if you're an unforgiving person.

Just know that forgiveness is about YOUR healing and not really about the other person as much as people think.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

gemini13 said:

I don't do that very well.

That's why your head is on a pink bug

You will forgive when you are ready to forgive.

And if you choose to that's your choice.

Even if you forgive him, you don't have to have him in your life.

But really if you think about it, what happened was between your mom and dad. You're angry at what he did to your mom, which is understandable.

You cannot change the past.

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That's a tough one.

All the advice above is really on point. You really can't force yourself to forgive him. You need to grieve first and then think about your father later. And yes, definately tell your father everything that you are feeling.

Take your time. Forgiveness is going to feel great, when it's time. Your time.

xxoo
[Edited 9/14/07 0:21am]

Fury said:

I know it hard but you have to for your self.

I am going through a similar situation with a family member for the FIRST time ever!! My family is the tightest knit group of people ever...and it rocked my world to have to be in this situation with my own brother....but it is being fixed as we speak.

The one thing Love will always seek out...is MORE LOVE!!

You do not need to forgive if you dont want to. take as much time as you need, think things over.....time heals

I am in a similar situation. The details are boring, but the gist of it is my sister and her husband have disowned my family (and my brother's family, too). They did it over money, nothing else.

I believe what they did was wrong, but I have forgiven them. That said, I don't want to see them any more.

I would help them if they asked, but otherwise I hope to never see them again.

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but fury... very strongly tell him you will hear him out someday
but now is not the time and that he needs to respect your space.
take the bull by the horns so to speak.

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Focus on healing yourself right now.... deal with him later.

First of all, my condolences.
I lost my dad last year, so i know it's difficult losing a parent but things will slowly but surely get better.

Now i didnt always have a great relationship with my dad. He was an alcoholic that cheated on my mom, left when we were kids and started a whole new family and didn't speak to us for years.

It took me a couple of years of therapy to reconcile that within myself. But i eventually had to come to the conclusion that, none of us get handbooks on how to be grown-ups, parents, men/women, etc. My dad made a TON of mistakes with us and treated us horribly. But hanging on to all of that anger weighed ME down. It didn't damage him, it damaged me. It takes a lot of energy to carry all the anger with you. So i had to let it go.

My dad ended up getting sick a few years ago, and ironically it ended up being me that had to take care of him and handle his business affairs. There wasn't anyone else that could, so i stepped up and did it. I could've turned my back on him and said "serves you right for how you treated me!". I chose not too.

and when he passed away last year, when i thought that a part of me might feel relieved, i was shocked to realize how hard i'd take it. After everything he'd done, after everything he'd put me and my mom and my sister through, he was my dad. And he was gone.

So there you go. My suggestion would be to if you're not seeing a therapist, to go see one. It'll help you put things in perspective, and maybe you'll find a way to forgive him. Not so much for him as it is for yourself.

I don't know if you saw my thread about saying goodbye to my father but I'm no longer in touch with him, not because I'm unable to forgive him but because he's unable to respect me. Now, I HAVEN'T forgotten him for what he did when I was a kid but that didn't mean that we couldn't have a relationship as long as he kept respecting me, when he couldn't anymore I made the decision to now be around him anymore.
I'm not really interested in forgiving him, it's not important to me for some reason. I'm not even sure I've forgiven my mother despite the fact that we're close now, but again like I said it's not important for me, for us, to be able to function.
I don't know if it's anything like the answer you're looking for but it's all I can offer. That, and this: Do what's in your HEART, regardless of what that is. Consider only your own feelings, not anybody elses.

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