A few of you might be aware that I had a few Tori Amos shows planned for her current tour. This could probably fall under the umbrella of Sassy's thread, but what I experienced on Tuesday night was so other that I want to keep it separate. Words really won't do this justice, but bear with me. It's kinda a 'you had to be there' moment, but I'll do my best.

Excuse me if I sound dumbfounded or ridiculous. That's how I feel.

During her current album and tour, Tori takes on various characters based on pieces of her psyche and patterned after Greek mythology. Her "American Doll Posse" is a band made up of all these facets.

At first I thought the concept seemed contrived and gimmicky. The idea occurred to me that I might be witnessing one of my favorite singers suffer a very public midlife crisis. At the very least she seemed to be losing her mind.

But the older I get, the more I realize that 'gimmicks' are really just ideas.

And it took me a minute to get it.

Once I did, boy was I in for a treat. Seeing this idea carried through live only drives the idea home.

For this phase in her career, she's uncovered a new layer of her talents and has become a thoroughly convincing theatrical performance artist. No different than Bowie living with his Ziggy character, she IS these dolls when she takes that stage.

I had already seen 3 perfect shows of this tour, but somehow I knew that catching her at a general admission show at The Vic in Chicago was going to be something entirely different than what the average Tori fan is used to. We're used to perfect acoustics, sitting politely through shows and erupting wildly between songs. I knew that seeing her in a grungy, beer-soaked, skanktrocious night club would be a different animal. I had no idea how different.

As I predicted, she came out as Pip. And in the 30-some minutes to follow, you do not recognize her as Tori Amos.



Pip's set is already brutal and insane enough. During "Cruel" she's nearly choking back the obscenities. She even mentioned ripping someone's cock off. "Bliss" deals with death. "Teenage Hustling" is the most glam rave-up of her career declaring 'You've been skankin' around with your talentless trash...You only shoot blanks at your cocksure best'. "Fat Slut" finds her on her knees glaring wildly at the audience. "Smokey Joe" aims to seek revenge on the abuse of her sister in a very homicidal way. "The Waitress" threatens death to a particularly hateful title character.

So clearly this one has some things to work out.

She spent most of the set either standing and writhing, crawling on the stage floor, hunched over or at a mic alone in front of the audience. This was clearly not typical Tori grinding her piano bench.

Pip's set nearly always ends with "The Waitress" and her flipping off the sky, before strutting off stage.

This time, she moved her mic to the very front. She was away from her piano and keyboards. She began slowly waving an arm. Her eyes were completely glazed and wild. This impossibly eerie beat and bassline came in. The guitar began chugging. Nobody had any idea what was going on or what song this was. After the brief buildup, she began with the lyrics, '5 am...Friday morning'. I was so shocked by what was happening, that I couldn't really believe it. I sensed it as "Me and a Gun", but my brain wouldn't allow me to truly recognize it until she was actually singing the words, 'It was me and a gun and a man on my back'.

Now for those that don't know, she was raped as a younger woman and held up at gunpoint. She wrote this for her first album as an a capella song. She performed it regularly at concerts in a rare piano-free moment. She retired the song from live performances over 6 years ago and felt that it had done its duty. She started a rape, abuse and incest network. Many survivors of rape saw this song as a naked and vulnerable portrayal of what it's like to experience this crime.

I guess my point is, that she had NEVER done this song with a band, she brought it out of retirement and completely turned its entire meaning on its head. When she sang it years before, quietly and calmly, it had the perspective of the dread a victim goes through.

A few nights ago, she was standing. She was in black rubber and high heels.

This song has an impact on people that few others in pop history have had. It scares the shit out of people. Once people recognized it, there was a collective gasp in the crowd. Everyone stopped dancing. Midway through the performace, she reached over to her piano and abruptly pulled out a giant knife. More gasps. She started rubbing it on her thighs. Next came the line...

Yes I wore a slinky red thing
Does that mean I should spread
For you, your friends your father, Mr. Ed

During this she used the knife as a phallus and began fucking with it.

She then held the knife to her throat. The skin was giving way. I honestly thought she might cut herself because her arms were violently shaking. She then pulled out a gun and held it under her chin. At the end, she sang 'But I haven't seen Barbados so I must get out of this', pointed her gun into the audience and walked off stage.

People in the audience were crying. Some had to turn their heads away. Others held their hands to their faces. Others were laughing out of nervousness. Some had to leave the floor altogether. Once Pip's set was over, it seemed we didn't know whether to applaud or not. People were holding and hugging each other. Many just stood there motionless.

I realized at some point that I hadn't been breathing for the entire song. I have arrhythmia and my heart began to hurt and I was experiencing chest pains for the 24 hours that followed. Immediately after the song was over, I thought I might have to run to the restroom to puke. It was very difficult to make it through the rest of the show.

What I saw was perhaps the single most extreme artistic statement I've ever seen. At once I felt disgusted, terrified, confused, threatened and violated. At the same time I knew I was witnessing possibly the definitive moment in this woman's performance history. And the honesty and conviction with which she delivered this music and this message is unlike anything or anyone else I know.

The way she subverted and inverted the whole thing was astonishing. Where before it was a lonely, isolated, tragic song, it became aggressive, vengeful and victorious. She was simultaneously threatening her own life to get out of the situation, threatening the audience and overcoming her perpetrator. It was like 20 years worth of demons let loose in 5 minutes. She made us feel the absolute shame and fear that came in the worst moment of her life.

Reactions have been as varied as hailing it the bravest ever moment on a rock stage to totally irresonsible and damaging. Many people have commended her taking the song back and giving it a new life and meaning. Others have accused her of 'triggering' a violent reaction within victims of post traumatic stress syndrome and other such conditions. I hope she never does it again. She'll never be able to duplicate this moment. If she needs to bring it out in the future, I'm sure she has her reasons. But nothing will compare to the moment of recognition or the handling of real weapons. If she did it again, it would be powerful, but it would be expected. This seemed unrehearsed and completely from the pit of her darkest possible side.

This may go down as the most shocking moment of any show, album, book, film or piece of art that I know. My mother went through a similar situation to Tori. My aunt/godmother suffered this kind of violent abuse in her younger years and recently died of suicide from a gunshot blast through the heart. So my reaction to this is deeply personal and painful. I don't feel right. I'm still scared and scarred.

But the most important element I take away from Tori and her music is strength. If this woman can get up on stage and relive the most traumatic thing imaginable, I can stop running from the things that hold me back. Right now, I feel hurt by this. In the near future, I know I'll feel brave.

For those that are curious about how it all unfolded, there are several sources to dig deeper. You can find video and photos on youtube, perezhilton and several of her online forums. I won't post the pictures or clips myself and encourage you to proceed at your own risk. Seriously.

But the most representative discussion about the topic I've found has come here:

http://www.atforumz.com/f...forumid=23

If you made it all the way through this post, thanks for reading and sorry for rambling. I did it mostly for selfish reasons and to remember it in the future.

I wish Sassy was here. I need a hug.
[Edited 11/8/07 22:21pm]

wow...along with "caught a light sneeze" that's my favourite song of hers...i suppose i'm glad i wasn't there.

Holy, Holy.

Awesome.

you know i'm no tori fan, though i appreciate what she does with her songwriting and what she does for her fans. i give her kudos for being dangerous and provocative in a way that has meaning and purpose, even if it's a difficult pill for her audience to swallow. this is the kind of fire that needs to return to popular music, and if she's overdoing it a bit, all the better.

Glad she didn't hurt anyone

To be honest I was just reading your DESCRIPTION of the performance, so I can't imagine actually experiencing that one unscathed.

CHIC0 said:

I'm definitely glad I was there. I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

The thing is, I don't even really like the song. It's not really a song that you like or dislike. It just is what it is.

But it does its job. For that I appreciate it.

Damn. I 've seen her perform Me and Gun with such emotion it brought tears to my eyes. I think that performance would have left me disturbed. Just reading your description had my mouth hanging open.

It was imperative that you got to see this, Nathan. It feels like part of the Universal Code. You've been through so much the last few years and needed an "August 8th", although I'm not sure it needed to be this soul shaking. It sounds like a profound experience and one that will change the way you think for a long time to come. It sounds like the bravery has already begun. I love you ~~~~ n

Hot damn.

A few links to what took place:

http://www.flickr.com/pho...897796793/

http://www.youtube.com/wa...y3tZkvzAZE

GangstaFam said:

I'm scared to watch.

OMG! Even reading it horrified me. to the thread starter.

Pip stole the show when I saw her too.

Moonbeam said:

And I bet she didn't sing cars and Guitars.

MoonSongs said:

I was pining for that and "Ireland", but she let me down.

Moonbeam said:

It doesn't really do it justice. But it's all that's out there so far.

MoonSongs said:

She's completely abandoned The Beekeeper on this tour.

Thank you so much for describing your personal reaction to this. I think I would have been a wreck. I'm scared to watch the video, but I'm going to, because I'm masochistic like that.

fuck.

Ok, i'm fucking bawling now.

seriously, you're the most passionate Amos fan i've come across in my life.

superbly vivid image that you've given with your words.

PricelessHo said:[quote]seriously, you're the most passionate Amos fan i've come across in my life.

superbly vivid image that you've given with your words.[/quote]


agreeeed

heartbeatocean said:

I really wasn't sure if I should. But it was 2 days later and I was still freaking. Had to get it out somehow, I guess.

C'mere you.

GangstaFam said:

"Me And A Gun" is my least favorite Tori song ever because it's so difficult to listen to, but part of me wishes I could have experienced this. And part of me thinks it's all the better I didn't. Damn.

Nathan, your words did an amazing job in describing the event if that is at all possible.

sextonseven said:

once I was listening to 'me and a gun' on my Ipod, I got so wrapped up in it that I walked straight into a brick wall, sliced open my knee, and as I got up thinking "shit, my knee, where did that wall come from?" I walked straight into a busy NYC street, causing quite a few cars to swerve and stop short as they tried to avoid hitting me. I think they were cursing, but I'm not sure... I was still just listening to Tori.

Incredible post, Nathan. I love how you describe it. I wish I could have been there with you.
[Edited 11/12/07 17:51pm]

Your topic makes me want to know more about her music and I wish I would see her live someday even if I guess she will not always give concerts of this intensity.