its still f-ed up

I was doing better but I have just arrived in Chicago to visit my family and I find myself remembering all my Prince times. In the back of the airport limo When Doves Cry Came on as we passed under the road I was on when I first heard that song. It was hard not to burst into tears.

But playing Madrid 2 Chicago as I landed made me happy.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I'm so glad to come here and realize I am not the only one who feels sad, or has a void in the heart. I still find myself thinking of the next tour.

Also full of regret that I let things like calling off work, not taking a vacation day, or not running up my credit card deter me from the last times I was within driving distance to seeing him- Detroit last year.

Everytime I see a clip of him performing I just get nostalgic, teary eyed and my chest tightens- then I yell "go'on head Prince"

I wanted to respond to this thread days ago but was stuck in the waiting period; hope this isn't an annoying bump. Just wanted to share my gratitude for the forum; it's reassuring to check in here as there aren't any other people/places in my life where I know others are still experiencing this uncomfortable, strangely personal pain that has taken me by such surprise.

I wrote this a while back, it mentions you guys. Thanks again.

http://bit.ly/2aF2LGe

emby said:

emby said:

I wanted to respond to this thread days ago but was stuck in the waiting period; hope this isn't an annoying bump. Just wanted to share my gratitude for the forum; it's reassuring to check in here as there aren't any other people/places in my life where I know others are still experiencing this uncomfortable, strangely personal pain that has taken me by such surprise.

I wrote this a while back, it mentions you guys. Thanks again.

http://bit.ly/2aF2LGe

Oh My God, Love, this is amazing....so eloquent, so pure...there are no words.

NinaB said:

It's not his no longer being around 4 me 2 hear his latest music, or experience another gig. It's him, the person, no longer being here that upsets me the most. And from a more selfish, personal perspective, he's been with me on this journey 4 thirty yrs & I'm just not used 2 his absence in my world.

God. U hit the nail on the head. It'll never NOT hurt...

Musze said:

emby said:

I wanted to respond to this thread days ago but was stuck in the waiting period; hope this isn't an annoying bump. Just wanted to share my gratitude for the forum; it's reassuring to check in here as there aren't any other people/places in my life where I know others are still experiencing this uncomfortable, strangely personal pain that has taken me by such surprise.

I wrote this a while back, it mentions you guys. Thanks again.

http://bit.ly/2aF2LGe

I loved your piece on Prince! I could relate to so much of it. You are a talented writer and using your talent to express your grief is something I think Prince would really appreciate.

And I completely can relate about the music - I've only listened to his music since April but I you articulated the reason so well: "He’s all I listen to in my car. I took all the other music off my iPhone, like it wasn’t quality enough to rub shoulders with his." Besides there is so much music, much of which I haven't played in a long time too. By the way, I think The Hits/B-Sides is still one of the best albums for a road trip even if my last big road trip was 20 years ago.

I am still finding it hard, every time I buy a tribute magazine or check in here, it hits me, that Prince is dead and it is sad to accept. Especially since it was all so recent I was there watching Prince perform in front of me and play my favourite songs.

.

Also because Prince has had a singular personal impact on my life, no other artist could ever possibly have like he did. Even sadder is that he is not in Paisley Park working on another project and all we have now is memories.

.

And I feel like we were robbed having him die far short of his planned life expectancy.

nursev said:

Its been 3 1/2 months since we lost our musical hero Prince and its been tough getting along with life, but how R U coping? Have U put it all into perspective yet? Or do U just not talk about it to none Prince fans? I just dont talk about it with people outside of the org...they dont understand

I for one am still in disbelief , I totally understand not talking to all people about him , because they don't understand. I see something new about him everyday. These things, be them small or big mean everything to me. I was only recently able to watch Shelia E's video, Boy meets Girl, I still cried when I heard it with my head and heart and I won't be able to watch it again not for a very long time. i watch him in videos and still can't let it go. He truly left so much more that will never be imagined.

leslievette said:

oliviacamron said:

leslievette said:

I don't speak about him to anyone other than you all here on the org. Especially not my family, I think they started to worry for a minute there and some still do. He's all I listen to now, and I spend majority of my free time watching footage and videos that I never had access to/seen before. I feel like if I constantly keep him going (music/videos) it's as if he hasn't left us so I can't get myself to pull away. At least not anytime soon, not sure when it'll pass if ever. I think the "shock" is gone, but the hurt and the pain is not. I think about all the "What if's" on a daily basis, and wonder had I done this, or had I gone here would things be different somehow. Not with how things ended, but more so the experiences. Constant disbelief. I find myself getting emotional over the most random things. For instance, I noted in another thread that as I was watching PR the other night (for the first time since that day), I became overwhelmed with sadness while Jerome and Morris were dancing to Jungle Love. Of all things! I saw Jerome and it immediately brought me back to the BET tribute, seeing him up there with Sheila. I never know when it'll hit me next, that's the worst part. You all here have made it easier whether you're aware or not so I geniunely thank you all

I was Target the other day and read a tag on an item that said Target Corp, Minneapolis Minnesota. I burst in tears

I hear you, because If I see or hear Minneosta or Minneapolis/St Paul, I instantly think .... PRINCE and it all comes flooding back. Even when the guy was shot, I thought Prince and rather than the victim being an individal, I thought, wow he reminds me of Sonny Thompson and Levi Seacer. My whole brain is Princeated.

emby said:

I wanted to respond to this thread days ago but was stuck in the waiting period; hope this isn't an annoying bump. Just wanted to share my gratitude for the forum; it's reassuring to check in here as there aren't any other people/places in my life where I know others are still experiencing this uncomfortable, strangely personal pain that has taken me by such surprise.

I wrote this a while back, it mentions you guys. Thanks again.

http://bit.ly/2aF2LGe

Ohhh mann!!! Mary... you are not alone. My experience and story is very similiar and the grief is as you say.. unexpected and unrelenting...

so much guilt and anger that I didn't pay more attention, I felt like he'd always be out there, taking him for granted, now that apathy if for me to bear

I LOVED Your ESSAY, you're words ring so true for me

God Bless, you've got a sister!

I had a serious bout of "I'm mad at you P" to the point I bought a big bin, put all his stuff in it and placed it in my basement! That lasted for about 2 days and I'm slowly bringing his stuff back out little by little and listening to his music again. I don't know what came over me, but this grief crap is for the birds. Thankfully, I don't cry much anymore. AOA still gets me misty-eyed though.

mnluvsprn said:

I was shocked, sad, in denial... Now I'm just pissed! Is anyone else pissed? I am pissed at him for going out like that. I am pissed at his circle for not staying with him when they knew this issue was out of control! I'm pissed at whomever was enabling him and not getting him help! I am pissed that he sat in that elevator for almost 12 hours! Why didn't they call to check on him? Why the hell did this happen?!?!

Yep, I have been pissed also. Still pissed. It's all so crazy. I would have never imagined our boy going out like this.

icequeen78 said:

I'm fine. Living my life as I believe he wouldn't have been cool with people and prolonged suffering as evidenced by his distance from mayte. He wasn't the type of person to engage in negative emotions for long periods of time. Neither am I. You deal with pain and move on rather than get stuck in a loop. Everyone is different though so I hope you guys who are still sad cheer up soon and find ways to work through your pain by keeping the good alive.

I'm a non-confrontational person, so I'm going to try and be non-confrontational about this, but maaaaaan, the way P treated Mayte when she was in so much pain is possibly the most ignominous thing he ever did...and it was a symptom of that aspect of his personality which really exhibited his damage from his childhood, and if he hadn't always been so stuck on making like everything was good even when things really weren't good at all, maybe we wouldn't all be here trying to process the grief we feel over him. Not feeling bad feelings works really well for some people. It seems to work for you, and a lot of times it worked for P. But it really doesn't work for others, and it can really mess those people up if they try it. As you say, people are all different, and for those who it works for, great, but this is one place I really don't think we should be taking general life lessons from P. Because in the very end I don't think it worked that well for him at all.

hollywooddove said:

mnluvsprn said:

I was shocked, sad, in denial... Now I'm just pissed! Is anyone else pissed? I am pissed at him for going out like that. I am pissed at his circle for not staying with him when they knew this issue was out of control! I'm pissed at whomever was enabling him and not getting him help! I am pissed that he sat in that elevator for almost 12 hours! Why didn't they call to check on him? Why the hell did this happen?!?!

Yep, I have been pissed also. Still pissed. It's all so crazy. I would have never imagined our boy going out like this.

Yup, I go through serious moments of it...have found myself basically berating the picture I have of him above my desk along the lines of 'you stupid MF having to pretend like everything was fine when it was soooo not fine, and why didn't you go and get some help instead of throwing a party AFTER YOU ALMOST DIED because now you've gone a broken everyone's heart you dumbass.'

roxy831 said:

I had a serious bout of "I'm mad at you P" to the point I bought a big bin, put all his stuff in it and placed it in my basement! That lasted for about 2 days and I'm slowly bringing his stuff back out little by little and listening to his music again. I don't know what came over me, but this grief crap is for the birds. Thankfully, I don't cry much anymore. AOA still gets me misty-eyed though.

I've been there, a few times it seems, it took place a little earlier and I have a couple of rants around here someplace to show it. Then moved past it. Some of the anger was I don't know what to with this kind of pain I couldn't get away from it, couldn't explain it away, it's just there. I've just come to accept it'll be here for a while, I don't know how long, but the only thing that'll ease it is time, so I'm learning to accept and move with it as it happens, it comes and it goes.

morningsong said:

roxy831 said:

I had a serious bout of "I'm mad at you P" to the point I bought a big bin, put all his stuff in it and placed it in my basement! That lasted for about 2 days and I'm slowly bringing his stuff back out little by little and listening to his music again. I don't know what came over me, but this grief crap is for the birds. Thankfully, I don't cry much anymore. AOA still gets me misty-eyed though.

I've been there, a few times it seems, it took place a little earlier and I have a couple of rants around here someplace to show it. Then moved past it. Some of the anger was I don't know what to with this kind of pain I couldn't get away from it, couldn't explain it away, it's just there. I've just come to accept it'll be here for a while, I don't know how long, but the only thing that'll ease it is time, so I'm learning to accept and move with it as it happens, it comes and it goes.

Thanks, morningsong. This has been a real trip and there's nobody in my immediate circle that will even tolerate me talking about P to them this far after his departure. Glad this community exists, for real. I don't know how I'd get through this mess. Blessings to you

It's still very sad that we'll never hear new music from him and who knows if we'll ever hear what was in the vaults.

But Sheila E's blazing BET tribute sort of helped me process and accept that he's gone.