AnotherLoverHoleinYoHead said:

To answer your question, no. I've never cheated. The guilt alone would kill me. I will admit that in one instance I was with someone, in an intimate moment, and I , ahem, called out someone else's name. It was a someone I had once loved for a long time, and couldn't be with. So perhaps I "cheated" in my heart. Needless to say, the fellow I was with that unfortunate evening dumped me like a hot potato. I can't say I blame him.

It sounds like a Chronic's thread

AnotherLoverHoleinYoHead said:

jnoel said


I agree

AnotherLoverHoleinYoHead said:

Yes. Definitely. You just described my last relationship in a nutshell. I was too attached to completely let go, yet I needed some freedom & to see others. Anyhow, that was seven months ago and we just now broke up... IMHO open relationships is code for "This is the final step before I dump you."

bluelight said:

No way, no way, no way is this anything like a chronic thread! If it was one of his threads, he'd have gone into detail about how great it is to cheat on people, how men deserve to be able to cheat, how it's just "natural", etc.

dumbass said:

"Information exchange", such as 'what time is it' or 'are you single'? Seems to me the "information exchange" is there for the sheer purpose of determining whether you want to have sex with the person...?

Natsume said:

Ah, finally someone who's actually "been there" and can speak from experience! Thanks for being honest, Natsume. Seems like most of us are just speaking intellectually, with no real personal experience, just trying to guess how things would go if we attempted it (open relationships).

I think many of us would like to think we could do the open relationship thing, or that we'd have a nice, mature, long talk with our partner about what each of us considers "cheating" so we don't rationalize our behaviors, but most of us don't communicate that well. Those of you in relationships, how many of you have had such in-depth discussions about cheating/flirting/open relationships? Most of the time it just gets taken for granted, and words aren't spoken, agreements aren't reached.

AnotherLoverHoleinYoHead said:

I feel that if one of the members of the relationship feels it to be that necessary to find excitement with others, then there's something already wrong with the relationship. Can cheating ever be rationalized, anyway? If you need to get your kicks from somebody else, then perhaps the solution to your problem lies no further away than your own relationship.

I just found out last October that my husband of 12 years had had a two year affair with a girl I knew. We have 3 kids and I have tried to work it out but things will never be the same. I am sure that divorce is right around the corner. If it had been a one-time thing I probably would not have been so upset about it. But being someone I know that I run into every so often and being that it was a two year relationship that is hard to forgive/forget.

BKOOLBABY said:

I've never cheated, but I've been cheated on in two major relationships, and in both cases it was an instant relationship-ender. Suddenly I was voluntarily sleeping on the couch, dismantling the relationship, and saying good-bye! It just ruins everything.

teller said:

YES!! I have never cheated, and never will, but was cheated on...Either you're in a committed relationship, or you're not...how difficult is it to say "I want to see other people"? It is the ultimate selfish act on the cheater's part...imo...

What is an "open relationship" exactly??...

Thanks.

BelleBeyond said:

Two people are "together" as a couple, but agree that they're each allowed to have sex with other people. (It's supposed to be "just sex", no relationship) This, in my opinion, is an open relationship.

Anyone disagree with that definition, or want to add anything for Belle?

AzureStar said:

Is feeling "caged" a typical response within a monogamous, loving relationship? Or is it perhaps an inevitable response to long periods of time together? Is it just something to ride out--a phase or period of boredom with your partner--or is it something that must be relieved by having sex with others? Some claim that it keeps their relationship "alive" and without it, they'd have broken up/divorced.

***DISCLAIMER***

Just to be clear, other than where I stated I think I'd be too insecure about myself/my value to my partner to be able to handle an open relationship, I am not taking a personal stance on anything here. I'm just trying to look at the subject from as many perspectives as possible. Cool?

AnotherLoverHoleinYoHead said:

Good points...I've always felt that I've hit points in long term relationships where I've felt like it was time for a "vacation" - time to cleanse the palette a little, fool around, remind yourself what you'd lose if you ended the relationship, get some ya-ya's out of your system, etc. I think it's only natural to feel a little grinded-out from being with the same person every day, waking up to the same person, falling asleep with the same person, day after day after month after month after year after year...but then, there are people who are absolutely satisfied with that sameness, and that's cool. It's their party, ya know?

I think that the character of a relationship is specific to the people entering the relationship. I've always seen my relationships as a "third entity". There's me, there's you, and now there's this new creature called "us", made up of comprimises and conflicts and shared interests and rituals and all kinds of other things. That third entity needs to be nourished and it needs to evolve, just like the two people in the relationship need to evolve. Sometimes that evolution is a quiet, unspoken thing between two people. Sometimes people choose to paint with a broader brush.

I've felt caged in long relationships in the past. Sometimes I was able to voice that feeling and we worked on it. More recently, I voiced this concern and my (former) partner's response was basically, "what you call caged, I call free." We had to agree to disagree, unfortunately.

Ive never cheated, but ive been cheated on, it's soul destroying.

No never cheated, but quite honestly thought about it..there is something about the word "karma" that keeps me in check. Dang consequences!

i can't answer this one, cuz i've never dated anyone.

AnotherLoverHoleinYoHead said:

Hmmm... For instance, marriage. One cannot simply leave the relationship or, for that matter, leave the home for a period of time to think or remove yourself from your partner, as easily as one could if they were dating. Things must be addressed and some sort of conclusion brought forth. If there is a separation, within the marriage, courts are brought in. If one of the two decides they want out of the relationship, the courts are brought in. Not everyone feels caged in a relationship. For those that do, I think it could be for any one of the reasons you mentioned - and more.

Being in a relationship, especially marriage, you are to be with that person solely. Some people simply aren't cut out for that, no matter how much they love the one they're with. I do think that if there is an understanding between the couple, that the relationship is one that is more "open", then the feeling of being caged is broken down. Whether or not either couple ever does anything with another. Knowing that it's an option may ease the mind in some way. This could also backfire, for many of the reasons that were stated earlier, especailly one partner just going along with it to maintain the relationship and prevent the other from leaving.

Some people simply cannot be in a monogamous relationship and would be happier dating. It just isn't them. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but either speak with your partner about it or move on. No need for betrayal. I guess it just boils down to being honest with your partner, not everything is right for everyone.




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[This message was edited Wed Jul 10 10:59:36 PDT 2002 by AzureStar]

it was definately worth it in the end...
i will do it again.. cause it doens't change anything about the one i love. and i only will do it with the permission of the ones i love.. they know it.
sex can be just sex, it's not always everytime about love. but when love comes to it, i'll try to be as honest to every party possible. just the way everyone else always treated me, and with lots of respect.
long live the ones who understand. Don't ever call it cheatin' when it's not. :d

You know something about my partner or me having sex with others just doesn't appeal to me. In fact is sounds darn right nasty.

How can you allow someone to penetrate you after he has penetrated someone else. Does that sound disgusting or is it just me?

AnotherLoverHoleinYoHead said:

It's true , Chronic bring back the fun here!!! (it's not against you Another!)

jnoel said:

The only "fun" I had with him and his threads was smacking the shit out of him verbally over the STUPID-ASSthings he had to say...

AnotherLoverHoleinYoHead said:

Funny. I always thought the term meant that both members of the relationship were allowed to date others... but not to seek another relationship, just to experience the dating scene again when it gets a bit stale.

We always drew the line at sex, but anything lesser than that is fair game.

Everyone has different opinions on sexuality and its role in relationships. I dig the posts on here that acknowledge that fact.

It's up to each couple to lay the ground rules for their relationship and stick to them.

I am of the mind that sex and sexual experiences can be completely seperate from emotional experiences. I am in a very commited relationship and am happy with my boy. However, there's a world of experiences out there and we still allow ourselves to experience them. We have rules that we stick to that protect us both physically and emotionally.

Humans are easily led astray. Have I cheated? Yes. Have I been cheated on? Yes. That's why I feel it's better to come to a common understanding on this issue in a relationship so "cheating" isn't necessary.

All this being said, it seems we have a pretty righteous group of individuals on this thread. I'm guessing that either people aren't being 100% honest. Or those who've found themselves in a position where they 'cheated' are remaining mostly silent. I say this cause I know very few people who haven't either done the 'cheating' or been the person with a 'cheater' at least at one point in their life.

For all of you who have never cheated, have you ever let yourself become involved with someone you KNEW was in a relationship? Allowed yourself to be with a cheater either physically or emotionally?

One last thought...to me emotional cheating is much more devastating and dangerous than physical cheating, and also more common...

We all have our own definitions in life. As long as people are up front on their point of view, I believe it should be accepted. Live a life that you enjoy that doesn't hurt others, that's the key to me.

AnotherLoverHoleinYoHead said:

You ROCK, ps! Engaging in debate without getting offended, trying to offend or casting judgement...NICE!!!


[This message was edited Thu Jul 11 3:07:36 PDT 2002 by endorphin74]

thecloud9mission said:

Amen.

It's rough being cheated on.

well im married & have 2 kid's.iv been married for 15 years & met this ladie in australia bout 4 year's ago in a chat called paltalk.anyway's after 3 year's sha came & stayed with me 7 my wife & we did the nasty every night she was gone 2 work.we did it everywhere from johnny on the spot's 2 our bed.soshe's back in aussie land & im still here in texas.anyhow u asked lol bye ...aint brrn 2 the org in a while cya

bluelight said:

So do I! (look'n into anothers eyes) theChronic is that you?