ZombieKitten said:

TD3 said:

those types of ultimatum really never work. but, i guess everyone has their line in the sand of what they can't tolerate.

putting up with it and hoping there will be change isn't working either

how much sacrifice r u willing to make b4 u realise the precious time u wasted waiting!!!!

blackbob said:

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thanks for all the advice everyone and wind-ups.. .....its just getting me down that i dont want to go near her because i cant take that smell anymore...i have always hated smoking....i just always thought it wouldnt be a big deal....there was a definate spark between us when we met and i gave up a lot to be with her...i was always straight with her that the smoking would get in the way of us and it has ...

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she promised me she would quit if we bought a house together and i ...stupidly...believed her...its now 4 years since we moved in and have had little rebecca since then.....

.

now what has made it worse is one of her friends...who also smokes...has been diagnosed with cancer....now i know that anybody can get cancer but i dont understand why she would want to increase her risk of getting it by smoking ?....

.

i really dont know if i could support her if she gets it....i would be sooo angry....maybe i am just being silly there but ....i dont understand her...

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It's called addiction.

I'd never smoke in a room, or a house if another didn't like it. I'd go out and smoke.

To what lisa10 said about being 'not happy', you can want your partner to change and still be happy. I mean, loving them, usually being happy at any given time, glad you're with them, not looking elsewhere etc. but it doesn't hurt to try, right? I'd like my wife to have a better figure, be a little better with money, a bit more responsible in some circumstances, and I'll continue to wish these changes happen, and even take steps to try to make them happen. I'm a terrible nagger sometimes. I know she has her own gripes, but she's less pro-active about affecting change in me.

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[Edited 3/15/11 2:09am]

Fauxie said:

To what lisa10 said about being 'not happy', you can want your partner to change and still be happy. I mean, loving them, usually being happy at any given time, glad you're with them, not looking elsewhere etc. but it doesn't hurt to try, right? I'd like my wife to have a better figure, be a little better with money, a bit more responsible in some circumstances, and I'll continue to wish these changes happen, and even take steps to try to make them happen. I'm a terrible nagger sometimes. I know she has her own gripes, but she's less pro-active about affecting change in me.

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[Edited 3/15/11 2:09am]

I agree with that. I did say I was crap at explaining myself.

But I guess it's when you want to change them completely that it becomes a problem... when everything they do seems to annoy you.

And your wife looks gorgeous!! Stop wanting to change her figure!!

Typo edit

[Edited 3/15/11 4:47am]

shootindabreeze said:

I have been married for 20 years....so far putting up...but I am not staying in it...I have young kids....once the last one is in to high school...which is about 4 years...I am out....

daaaaamn son

i like your steez.

agree smoking is fucking gross but i don't think u love her, sounds like u want any old excuse to go home 2 mother.

DoffieParker said:

agree smoking is fucking gross but i don't think u love her, sounds like u want any old excuse to go home 2 mother.

Exactly.

Why don't people think about this shit before they bring children into the world? I'm not really a "for the children" type - except when the kids have dipshits for parents.

Genesia said:

DoffieParker said:

agree smoking is fucking gross but i don't think u love her, sounds like u want any old excuse to go home 2 mother.

Exactly.

Why don't people think about this shit before they bring children into the world? I'm not really a "for the children" type - except when the kids have dipshits for parents.

Charming little creature, aint'cha?

Rightly said:

Genesia said:

Exactly.

Why don't people think about this shit before they bring children into the world? I'm not really a "for the children" type - except when the kids have dipshits for parents.

Charming little creature, aint'cha?

The truth hurts, don't it?

Most guys I know "put up" until the next candidate comes along... just like a job, you don't quit it until a better one comes along.

As for me, if I am not happy... I kick his ass to the curb immediately! I did it to the father of my kids when they were very young. I have no time for any bullshit. :gtfoh:

<---- single mom of three BTW... and in no rush to marry anyone. The kids are happy and so am I.

[Edited 3/15/11 12:41pm]

paintedlady said:

Most guys I know "put up" until the next candidate comes along... just like a job, you don't quit it until a better one comes along.

As for me, if I am not happy... I kick his ass to the curb immediately! I did it to the father of my kids when they were very young. I have no time for any bullshit. :gtfoh:

<---- single mom of three BTW... and in no rush to marry anyone. The kids are happy and so am I.

[Edited 3/15/11 12:41pm]

but he treated you very badly right? that would make the desicion a bit easier (IMO)

Shorty said:

paintedlady said:

Most guys I know "put up" until the next candidate comes along... just like a job, you don't quit it until a better one comes along.

As for me, if I am not happy... I kick his ass to the curb immediately! I did it to the father of my kids when they were very young. I have no time for any bullshit. :gtfoh:

<---- single mom of three BTW... and in no rush to marry anyone. The kids are happy and so am I.

[Edited 3/15/11 12:41pm]

but he treated you very badly right? that would make the desicion a bit easier (IMO)

He didn't like paying bills and lied a lot. He was one of those impulse buyers who bought crap on a regular and snuck it in the house. An electronics junkie..and he grew totally out of control.

He treated me like a queen... cleaned house, best sex ever, extremely romantic, fancy dinners, nights out on the town... etc. But he was so irresponsible, he was an anchor around my neck financially. We would argue, and then I tired of the fighting.

^^^^ BTW, I took him back thinking I made a mistake. Thinking we could work things out. he had sugery and I nursed him back to health and moved him in, then he dumped me for a another woman who was my mother's age.

Yeah, fuck him... I made the right decision the first time. Never again.

DoffieParker said:

agree smoking is fucking gross but i don't think u love her, sounds like u want any old excuse to go home 2 mother.

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no...i do love her...just dont want to have to put up with it any more...i cant watch her slowly killing herself...

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think i will just have to put up with it for my wee kids sake...intimacy is becoming a no go for me now...so maybe she will kick me out eventually...

I'm not interested in having kids or in being in a relationship with someone who has kids. Children complicate everything far too much for me. As such, I couldn't answer this question honestly if children were involved because it would depend on the the situation (or many different aspects of the situation, or situationS).

With children not involed, I'm out the door without a second thought. I don't deal well with relationship drama. And the older I get the less well I deal with it. To the point that I just stopped looking and then caring about being in a relationship (more to the point, an exclusive intimate relationship).

Also, Mom's couch would NEVER stop me from leaving if I thought Mom's couch would bring more happiness than a fucked up relationship bed.

Smoking is a big no for me, too. I'd make an exception for a kid before I would a smoker. However, why did you get together with a smoker to begin with? Or why did you let it proceed to this point if you knew back then that you didn't like it? Not to be a dick or anything, but I think that's what they call making your bed and lying in it.

Also, as far as "kids" go, if there is any kind of fighting or sustained unhappiness I think "staying together for the kids" is just about the biggest pile of bullshit ever invented. Your kid(s) know when you're fighting or unhappy and it affects them greatly. A happier "friendly" relationship with shared custody (even if its a majority with one parent) is often a better environment for a childs emotional and intellectual growth. But that assumes that both parents don't make it seem like the child is creating a problem by wanting to see the other parent, or make it seem like its a pain in the ass to do so, or constantly talk shit about how much their ex sucks to their impressionable youngster. So, yeah. Like I said, complicated.

If you know you are unhappy, why in the name of all things sane would ever even consider staying with somebody until they kicked you out? That's not fair to them, first of all, and its not healthy for either of you.

Cerebus said:

If you know you are unhappy, why in the name of all things sane would ever even consider staying with somebody until they kicked you out? That's not fair to them, first of all, and its not healthy for either of you.

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when i met her...i fell for her big time...i just thought ( stupid i know ) that the smoking wouldnt be a big deal...me and her being together ...i thought...was the most important thing....i had to leave my 7 year old boy who i love very much and my home and moved into a flat so i could be with her...i had to pay the mortgage on my old house and rent on my small flat for over a year which put me into a lot of debt..i didnt force the sale of my old house because my son didnt want to move so i just got on with it and havent received a penny from the divorce...

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i had a really hard time being away from him and it still hurts ( i see him 2 or 3 times a month )....

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i did it all because i felt my new partner was ' the one ' ....all i ever asked her to do was one thing for me....

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...give up smoking...

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what a dick i am...

^ Well sounds to me that you went through a lot of changes just to be with this woman. Never change for the worst! The only change you should agree on is for the better. Men likes challenges, that's why you fell for her and stuck by her. You think you can change her and although she did promise to stop smoking, you have met her and dealt with it when she would and that's a

Have that talk with her. Tell her your concerns: health issues, smell, bad influence on your kid, financial burden. Get her help, if she's willing. Start slow, tell her to only smoke outside and limit how many packs she can have, tell her not to smoke in the vehicles. Tell her you will only kiss her if her breath is cleaned. Just tell her that she means the world to you and you want her around for the next few years especially for yall kid. Smoking is a hard habit to get rid of - well at least people tell me - I don't smoke but people who do can't smell the awful smell they have on them. I know it's gross sometimes but if you love her, you would help her and if that doesn't work, don't settle for someone who has an issue and think you can change them. I know you will make the right choice.

Angelic1302 said:

^ Well sounds to me that you went through a lot of changes just to be with this woman. Never change for the worst! The only change you should agree on is for the better. Men likes challenges, that's why you fell for her and stuck by her. You think you can change her and although she did promise to stop smoking, you have met her and dealt with it when she would and that's a

Have that talk with her. Tell her your concerns: health issues, smell, bad influence on your kid, financial burden. Get her help, if she's willing. Start slow, tell her to only smoke outside and limit how many packs she can have, tell her not to smoke in the vehicles. Tell her you will only kiss her if her breath is cleaned. Just tell her that she means the world to you and you want her around for the next few years especially for yall kid. Smoking is a hard habit to get rid of - well at least people tell me - I don't smoke but people who do can't smell the awful smell they have on them. I know it's gross sometimes but if you love her, you would help her and if that doesn't work, don't settle for someone who has an issue and think you can change them. I know you will make the right choice.

thanks...

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we have had many talks about it over the last few years but...at the end of the day...she has to WANT it for herself...i know that...i feel i have done all i can where trying to help her quit is concerned.......i just wish that i hadnt bought into her promises...because it was the one and only thing i have ever asked her to do ...it has become this big thing for me....

.

while she still smokes...i feel i have made a mistake.....maybe thats silly but...i think i would have done anything for her...and i did when i changed my whole life for her.....

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anyway ..thanks for all the the advice and for listening to my moans everyone...could be worse...eh ?...

.

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Ohhhhh. You didn't say you'd already abandoned one child to be with this woman. Should be a lot easier to dump the second one. Go for it!

Bob,

I'm not a trained therapist, but I definitely think you should go talk to one.

You said that you gave up a lot to be in this relationship with your wife

and mentioned a previous child. It makes me wonder if you subconsciously

expect your wife to make a sacrifice for you (quitting smoking) because

you have demonstrated that you have sacrificed things for her.

And it doesn't work that way!

I understand some of the reasons that you said why you don't want her

to smoke, but she is obviously the same person you married, since she was

smoking then, too. It is YOU who is now changing the rules and that

isn't fair. I'm not saying it isn't right to want her to quit, but it isn't

fair that you initially said you wanted to be in the marriage despite the

smoking and now you want out because of it.

A good relationship is based on BOTH people choosing to sacrifice and

compromise and learn from the other person all for the good of the

relationship. It doesn't sound like either one of you are willing to do that.

Before any decisions are made, I hope you spend some time having an

honest and healthy (non-emotional/judgemental) conversation, where

you are honest about how you feel about the smoking and be sure to

mention the smell turning you off - that would have a big impact on me!

And then she gets the chance to tell you what her thoughts are on the

smoking. Nicotine is addicting, both physically and psychologically, so even

thinking about quitting can be scary. And whateve comes out of the conversation

should be something that you both agree to - no one person gets to

make the ultimatum or have the final say. For example, after both of you

share how you feel about it (calm and truthful), try ending the conversation

with, "So what should we do?"

Best wishes~

Genesia said:

Ohhhhh. You didn't say you'd already abandoned one child to be with this woman. Should be a lot easier to dump the second one. Go for it!

This post comes across a little cuntish.

CallMeCarrie said:

Bob,

I'm not a trained therapist, but I definitely think you should go talk to one.

You said that you gave up a lot to be in this relationship with your wife

and mentioned a previous child. It makes me wonder if you subconsciously

expect your wife to make a sacrifice for you (quitting smoking) because

you have demonstrated that you have sacrificed things for her.

And it doesn't work that way!

I understand some of the reasons that you said why you don't want her

to smoke, but she is obviously the same person you married, since she was

smoking then, too. It is YOU who is now changing the rules and that

isn't fair. I'm not saying it isn't right to want her to quit, but it isn't

fair that you initially said you wanted to be in the marriage despite the

smoking and now you want out because of it.

A good relationship is based on BOTH people choosing to sacrifice and

compromise and learn from the other person all for the good of the

relationship. It doesn't sound like either one of you are willing to do that.

Before any decisions are made, I hope you spend some time having an

honest and healthy (non-emotional/judgemental) conversation, where

you are honest about how you feel about the smoking and be sure to

mention the smell turning you off - that would have a big impact on me!

And then she gets the chance to tell you what her thoughts are on the

smoking. Nicotine is addicting, both physically and psychologically, so even

thinking about quitting can be scary. And whateve comes out of the conversation

should be something that you both agree to - no one person gets to

make the ultimatum or have the final say. For example, after both of you

share how you feel about it (calm and truthful), try ending the conversation

with, "So what should we do?"

Best wishes~

Genesia said:

Ohhhhh. You didn't say you'd already abandoned one child to be with this woman. Should be a lot easier to dump the second one. Go for it!

.

i have never abandoned him...believe me...i would and have done anything for him....i just didnt think staying in a dead relationship at the time was healthy for me or him.....it was and is very difficult to be apart from him...i see him ...not as much as would like...but enough to stop me going mad ....he is 12 now and growing up fast...

.

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Fauxie said:

Genesia said:

Ohhhhh. You didn't say you'd already abandoned one child to be with this woman. Should be a lot easier to dump the second one. Go for it!

This post comes across a little cuntish.

Really? More cuntish than getting involved with another woman while you're still married, leaving your wife and young child for the new squeeze, impregnating her, then deciding the relationship is just so-so (or otherwise not what you envisioned while you were letting your dick do the thinking) and leaving another "wife" (in quotes because I don't know if he married her) and child? Really? More cuntish than that?

Huh.

Genesia said:

Fauxie said:

This post comes across a little cuntish.

Really? More cuntish than getting involved with another woman while you're still married, leaving your wife and young child for the new squeeze, impregnating her, then deciding the relationship is just so-so (or otherwise not what you envisioned while you were letting your dick do the thinking) and leaving another "wife" (in quotes because I don't know if he married her) and child? Really? More cuntish than that?

Huh.

.

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i have made my bed and i will lie in it..but it didnt happen like you make out....i didnt want to leave my son...my marriage was DEAD...no sex..no love...nothing....i was prepared to put up with it for my son's sake until i met my new partner...then i had a very difficult choice to make...

.

it tore me apart for the best part of 3 years but i did what i thought was right...i made sure my son was ok and left the marriage with nothing ...i made sure my ex partner and my son were ok moneywise while i took the hit and alot of debt which will take me years to pay off...

.

i wanted the fairy story....true love....i know.....i am a dick...but at least i tried.....

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but whatever happens....i will never turn my back on my kids...

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blackbob said:

Genesia said:

Really? More cuntish than getting involved with another woman while you're still married, leaving your wife and young child for the new squeeze, impregnating her, then deciding the relationship is just so-so (or otherwise not what you envisioned while you were letting your dick do the thinking) and leaving another "wife" (in quotes because I don't know if he married her) and child? Really? More cuntish than that?

Huh.

.

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i have made my bed and i will lie in it..but it didnt happen like you make out....i didnt want to leave my son...my marriage was DEAD...no sex..no love...nothing....i was prepared to put up with it for my son's sake until i met my new partner...then i had a very difficult choice to make...

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it tore me apart for the best part of 3 years but i did what i thought was right...i made sure my son was ok and left the marriage with nothing ...i made sure my ex partner and my son were ok moneywise while i took the hit and alot of debt which will take me years to pay off...

.

i wanted the fairy story....true love....i know.....i am a dick...but at least i tried.....

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but whatever happens....i will never turn my back on my kids...

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Sounds to me like you followed your heart.
Commendable. You're not a dick. Few people possess the nerve to give it a try.
I hope your kids grow up smart, if they do I'm sure they'll understand and appreciate you standing by them.


But addiction is not reasonable.

Respect to you!

Genesia said:

Fauxie said:

This post comes across a little cuntish.

Really? More cuntish than getting involved with another woman while you're still married, leaving your wife and young child for the new squeeze, impregnating her, then deciding the relationship is just so-so (or otherwise not what you envisioned while you were letting your dick do the thinking) and leaving another "wife" (in quotes because I don't know if he married her) and child? Really? More cuntish than that?

Huh.

Cynical

blackbob said:

DoffieParker said:

agree smoking is fucking gross but i don't think u love her, sounds like u want any old excuse to go home 2 mother.

.

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no...i do love her...just dont want to have to put up with it any more...i cant watch her slowly killing herself...

.

think i will just have to put up with it for my wee kids sake...intimacy is becoming a no go for me now...so maybe she will kick me out eventually...

still it's a lame excuse to want to leave. why don't u just banish her to the garden to smoke & suggest that you are both showered & sparkling b4 sex?