If your the cheater, the person who's been cheated on or the homewrecker...whats your take on this? Should a cheater be forgiven by the spouse or boyfriend? Will they keep cheating?

It depends on what's at stake.... if its my husband that's wealthy and can buy me a 10 carat red diamond ring, then all is forgiven for a one time fling with a floosey.

If we are not married... its OVA!

If he gives me an STI... its OVA, cause Imma kill him!

I can forgive a spouse for cheating... once. Twice, dude is gonna be homeless and paying dearly for it.

I read an article claiming once a person cheated, ie. "broke the seal" so to speak, it was way way easier for them to contemplate doing it again.

I don't agree with "once a cheater, always a cheater", but definitely MORE likely to do it again.

I also don't agree with lumping all cheaters in together. You would be comparing serial cheaters with one off cases of poor judgement, who, in my opinion should be forgiven.

I can see myself forgiving if I am told about it from him. If he was caught by me or someone else told me about the infidelity, I'd probably have a harder time forgiving.

Him being with someone else is not what would bother me, it's the lie that might cause me to walk away for good.

As I spouse...I dont think I could get over something like that. Now if I was cheating....I wonder if I'd feel guilt? Hmmmmm...

Seriously...a one time cheater...I think I would like enslave him or something cuz I'd never believe him if he had freedom. Like we would have to move or something extreme if I were gonna stay in it. I dont think I've ever met a one time cheater though...every married guy I've met seems to be a seasoned sleezeball.

yes.... painted...I like that. If he has big money....you could just do what tiger's wife did. Rape him financially and dump his ass.

Forgive them and move on-it takes up a whole lotta energy and thought to carry the B.S. around with you.

i believe it comes down to what you will and will not put up with or tolerate. i don't believe there is a degree of cheating. i.e. it was just a kiss vs. you had sex. it's cheating. unless you have an agreement otherwise when you begin your realtionship.

it's something i personally choose not to tolerate. if i'm not enough then find what is. and i wish you well on your search for it.

JustErin said:

I can see myself forgiving if I am told about it from him. If he was caught by me or someone else told me about the infidelity, I'd probably have a harder time forgiving.

Him being with someone else is not what would bother me, it's the lie that might cause me to walk away for good.

I agree...its the lie. When somebody looks you dead in your face and lies perfectly and convincingly thats the ultimate insult, and a true revealer of their character

Forgiven? Yes... always, I think... in due time.

But taken back as a partner? I think that sort of thing hinges on a lot of considerations:

* What were the problems/dynamics of the relationship that precipitated the cheating?

* Have you and your partner addressed those issues, owning them if necessary, NOT owning them if necessary and correcting them as appropriate?

* What did the infidelity entail -- merely hanging out with someone else, sex, a full-on emotional relationship? What do those things mean to you?

* What's at stake -- kids, the physical or mental health of any party involved, the relationship of extraneous family members, etc?

* What's the disposition of the cheater now? Is he/she truly repentant and forthright about the behavior? Is he/she now committed to fidelity and trustworthy in that commitment?

* What's your disposition as the cheated-on party? Are you actually able to forgive and reasonably, heathily proceed in the relationship without forever torturing yourself and/or the one-time cheater?

* With whom did your partner cheat, and where is that party now? Were they inexcusably close to you? Your mom? Your dad? Your frat bro? Your cat? Are they still trying to move in on your partner? Will they be an ongoing headache in your life, or are they gone for good?

All these considerations are important, I think.

cat? Beasteality is unforgivable

Lammastide said:

Forgiven? Yes... always, I think... in due time.

But taken back as a partner? I think that sort of thing hinges on a lot of considerations:

* What were the problems/dynamics of the relationship that precipitated the cheating?

* Have you and your partner addressed those issues, owning them if necessary, NOT owning them if necessary and correcting them as appropriate?

* What did the infidelity entail -- merely hanging out with someone else, sex, a full-on emotional relationship? What do those things mean to you?

* What's at stake -- kids, the physical or mental health of any party involved, the relationship of extraneous family members, etc?

* What's the disposition of the cheater now? Is he/she truly repentant and forthright about the behavior? Is he/she now committed to fidelity and trustworthy in that commitment?

* What's your disposition as the cheated-on party? Are you actually able to forgive and reasonably, heathily proceed in the relationship without forever torturing yourself and/or the one-time cheater?

* With whom did your partner cheat, and where is that party now? Were they inexcusably close to you? Your mom? Your dad? Your frat bro? Your cat? Are they still trying to move in on your partner? Will they be an ongoing headache in your life, or are they gone for good?

All these considerations are important, I think.

.... said like a true orger.

StillGotIt said:

cat? Beasteality is unforgivable

I dunno... Some cats can be really aggressive.

You gotta protect your mate from them!

I guess what is hard for me is that I could never do it. I've been attracted to others, but I could never cross that line. I watch that show "cheaters" sometimes and I'm like, you just had your mouth on other dude's penis, and now your telling your husband your sorry with penis breath

Lammastide said:

StillGotIt said:

cat? Beasteality is unforgivable

I dunno... Some cats can be really aggressive.

You gotta protect your mate from them!

Now if we are talking lions and tigers.....i might say screw it...you can have him. I will not get scratched up for penis

StillGotIt said:

I guess what is hard for me is that I could never do it. I've been attracted to others, but I could never cross that line. I watch that show "cheaters" sometimes and I'm like, you just had your mouth on other dude's penis, and now your telling your husband your sorry with penis breath

No. Try being honest about shit up front and we can talk.

Depends on the cheating. If it's just sex I can get past it. If he's out there sharing real intimacy and time with someone, then I would be cuttin some bitches.

Never forgive, never forget. Buh Bye!

If she cheated on me with another man OR woman, she is done. Relationship is over. Period. Point Blank. End of.

Why cheat on me behind my back when she could have been upfront by telling me beforehand that she wants to see other person?

I would respond one of two ways.

1. Dismiss her immediately in a manner that seems indifferent to it all, no getting sad and shit or angry. Just..."Ok bye".

2. Work on keeping the relationship long enough to fuck one of her friends.

Them's the options.

FauxReal said:

I would respond one of two ways.

1. Dismiss her immediately in a manner that seems indifferent to it all, no getting sad and shit or angry. Just..."Ok bye".

2. Work on keeping the relationship long enough to fuck one of her friends.

Them's the options.

OMG...Faux...if I am EVER in this situation, this is EXACTLy what I'm gonna do!

I could never forgive or forget if someone cheated on me so it would be OVER!!!! See ya!

sexyone said:

I could never forgive or forget if someone cheated on me so it would be OVER!!!! See ya!

What if you were married with kids? would there be any exceptions? (Lammastide gave some good reasons to pause....except for the cat...ewwwww)

Oh and recently (about a month ago), my ex and I broke up. I had suspicions that he was talking to this one particular girl. Well, today I found out my suspicions were right, they are now together and there are pictures of them posted all over facebook making out/kissing.

I guess it sucks when you have almost 30 mutual friends on FB. LOL

It doesn't bother me cuz we were not meant to be together and broke up for other reasons. Actually, I am more relieved cuz I know I wasn't imaging all of it.

The only thing that gets me mad is that he brought her around me at a party towards the end of the relationship and it was only obvious that something was going on. We broke up 3 days later. and i have been happier ever since. We were only together for 6 months so no big deal and I had wanted to break it off sooner cuz I really wasn't into him.

[Edited 10/21/10 23:13pm]

StillGotIt said:

sexyone said:

I could never forgive or forget if someone cheated on me so it would be OVER!!!! See ya!

What if you were married with kids? would there be any exceptions? (Lammastide gave some good reasons to pause....except for the cat...ewwwww)

Cat????? Uh oh, I guess I have to read the previous posts.

No exceptions, cuz the trust/bond we had would be gone and I would always have doubts and/or suspect he was lying to me. I don't want to live my life like that....... always wondering.

sexyone said:

Oh and recently (about a month ago), my ex and I broke up. I had suspicions that he was talking to this one particular girl. Well, today I found out my suspicions were right, they are now together and there are pictures of them posted all over facebook making out/kissing.

I guess it sucks when you have almost 30 mutual friends on FB. LOL

It doesn't bother me cuz we were not meant to be together and broke up for other reasons. Actually, I am more relieved cuz I know I wasn't imaging all of it.

The only thing that gets me mad is that he brought her around me at a party towards the end of the relationship and it was only obvious that something was going on. We broke up 3 days later. and i have been happier ever since. We were only together for 6 months so no big deal and I had wanted to break it off sooner cuz I really wasn't into him.

[Edited 10/21/10 23:13pm]

There is nothing worse than feeling that something is up, cheaters always want to make folks think they are crazy and imagining stuff. You are way better off without the stress of wondering..but the FB thing is a bit awkward.

StillGotIt said:

There is nothing worse than feeling that something is up, cheaters always want to make folks think they are crazy and imagining stuff. You are way better off without the stress of wondering..but the FB thing is a bit awkward.

Yup....

For a moment there, I thought it was just me. I kept asking and asking for more than a month and he kept denying it. But now, they are in a relationship all in love now and proclaiming it all over FB. I thought it would bother me but it doesn't. To me, it just shows what type of people they really are.

with all the billions of people in the world...and as Chris Rock says..."Men are are only as faithful as their options"....My husband and I have had an infidelity....in the beginning of our relationship (we've been together 5 years in December) I can forgive one time....but next time....kiss my ass on your way out the door! Love conquers all in the long run!

I would say no, but then I wouldn't be here if my mother decided not to forgive my daddy. I can only assume it happened way before I was born. The way dad put it (in a very, VERY short conversation), he made a very stupid mistake trying to have his cake and eating it too. My grandfather was the one who set him straight.

Mother was a very kind, forgiving person and I have that same personality in me. It happened once and I let it slide. I let this guy throw me a tired line that his e mail had been "hacked". But he told on himself. He never deleted the photos of the other girl off his account. And when I found out about them, that's all he could say. All inherited personalities aside, I gave him one more chance. I don't know if he cheated or not after that. I dumped him a year later anyway. But I felt like crap. I'm sitting there looking at naked, VIVID pictures of some tart in the email account of a man who wanted to be my husband...

So yeah, I guess it's pretty conditional with me. And since I'm fairly young, this may change. Forgiveness can only be given so many times before it's come to telling someone to hit the bricks. There's also why they cheated. Insecurity, just doing it to do it....the worse the reason, the sooner the end of a relationship may be my final verdict. It's really hard for me to say, because I've only been cheated on (to my knowledge) once. I spent a lot of time denying it in the first place.

But my fear of it is part of the reason why I'm not really fighting so hard to get into a relationship at the moment. Things seem to be able to get so ugly so fast...

No. What's the point? I mean, a relationship should be finished as soon as there's infidelity...