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In Memory of Lisa, baby Anthony, Grandma Vicky & Aunt Bell: Healing the Wounds of the Past Yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of my Cousin Lisa's, and baby Anthony's, death. Tomorrow is my 40th Birthday. The last 4 years have been incredible in so many ways. So much sadness, so much pain, so much healing, so much loving, so much light. It's been all that and more.
Since my cousin Lisa died, my grandma Vicky and most recently my Aunt Bell have joined her. 3 women in the family gone, leaving 2 sisters and 2 cousins as the remaining women. There is a big hole on my Dad's side of the family and I want to take this time to remember and love them. I see these pictures and my heart swells with love as I see women who have greatly impacted my life. 
The devastation I feel over my cousin's death is still so real. Nothing will change the facts of how she died or the life she lived but what has changed is MY LIFE. There is so much about her death that could have me living in the seclusion of my pain but I have chosen instead to bring her on my path to healing. Her death has galvanized me on my path and I want to share some of the major and victorious ways of expressing my loving and how her passing has brought me deeper into the life I was meant to live. In 2007, I filmed my niece's birth and this was the first birth in our family since my cousin died. Losing Baby Anthony along with her deepened the loss. I, without a doubt, would have been there with my sister but as things turned out my mom and sister were super sick with the flu so couldn't make it. The father took off in the middle of the night so it was just me and my sister when the baby was born. This was an incredibly sacred experience for me and I realized the blessing of a healthy beautiful child being added to the family. I thanked the nurse for all her help and told her it was the first birth since the loss of Lisa & Anthony and it was so meaningful for me to thank her. In 2008, I joined a public speaking group. I was so blown away by the presentations that I came back the following month and gave one on my experience with forgiveness. That presentation was the first time I ever spoke publicly about my abuse and my history being surrounded by violence as a child. In that presentation I spoke of Lisa's death and how it impacted my life and I spoke of her with love and told how I would honor her by taking her story and using it for other's healing. Over the 2 years in this group, I have managed to find my voice. In April 2009, I did the annual speaking event. This armed me with something concrete to bring to the table with my grandma later that month in one of the most important events of my life 
On April 18 2009, I came out to my grandmother. The deeper path that my past, and my cousin's death, brought me to had to be shared. There were so many good things happening in my life and I realized I wasn't sharing them with my grandmother because I was hiding from her. Attending the Informational Event in January 08 at University of Santa Monica inspired me to be open and honest with her. In that conversation where I came out, I told her everything. In that conversation we connected to each other in ways I only dreamed of. We found out we shared so many things in common. We remembered my cousin and we loved her. Tearing down the wall between us was the most amazing thing that I could have done because she passed away 3 months later. In those 3 months we shared so much and I was able to be there for her spiritually. Looking back, I would have lost the greatest gift by still hiding. My cousin's death helped me to put things in the proper perspective and in this way, Lisa gave me a gift I might otherwise have missed out on. Being there for my grandmother, being at her last rites and giving the eulogy where I spoke of the lessons I learned in facing my fears was just monumental in my life. She helped me find my strength 
coming out http://prince.org/msg/100/305523 In Memory of Vicenta Reyes Corona Lujan http://prince.org/msg/100/314304 In August of 2009, I had a 5 hour visit/conversation with my Aunt Bell. In this conversation I shared with her the wake and funeral of my grandmother, which she missed due to her dialysis treatment. It's not something that can be skipped. In this conversation I shared my abusive past, how I wrote about it and how that changed my life. I told her about how I came to the point of forgiveness for my ex and she shared her experience with forgiveness in her own life. In this conversation she told me about her fears and the things that haunted her but in this conversation we shared so much love. This was the last meal I had with her. She loved fast food and requested Wienerschnitzel and when she was dividing the food, she had an extra chili cheese dog which I declined but she insisted that I be fed and so I ate that hot dog with her and I'm so glad that our last meeting involved being fed, even if it was a guilty pleasure. So many of my memories with her involve cooking at her old house in Anaheim. One of the last memories I have of Lisa is her cooking the Spanish Rice for a holiday meal. In October, 2009 the most unbelievable thing happened to me and that is that I was accepted to the Masters Program in Spiritual Psychology at University of Santa Monica. I didn't think this school would touch me with a Solar System sized pole but in September they contacted me to ask why I hadn't applied. I told them it was too late, because class started in 3 weeks. They told me that they were in the final push interviewing students and that if I really wanted it, I had 10 days to act. So in 10 days, I completed my application, put down my deposit and 3 of the most angelic and beautiful friends anyone could ever have (Madartista, RhondaB & Lammastide) completed the reference request and on the 12th day I was informed I had been accepted.   
In the first 2 months we did some major, deep work exploring within ourselves and I had the most SPECTACULAR EXPERIENCE surrounding a gift that my Aunt Bell had given me. On December 9th, I unleashed the Chaka Khan Appreciation thread of ALL TIME! "Rags to Richard": http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 The gift from my treasure chest, the Chaka Khan Mouth: 
On December 15th, my Aunt Bell passed away The appreciation thread turned into a remembrance for my Aunt Bell who I just LOVED LOVED LOVED! I realized that I needed to speak of the gift at her wake and before doing so, I wanted to clear it with my dad because of the memories involved. So I sat with my dad on 12/19 and had the "scariest" conversation with him, but because of things that I'm learning in school, it was the easiest conversation and was so full of grace, ease, healing and love. It went like this:
Saturday, I met with my father to tell him about my treasure experience. I wanted to speak with both him and my mom before sharing this with anybody else. I told him the FULL story, including my very first memory in life of him beating up my mom.
My dad and I have been talking for a while now and so many things that I've needed to say have been said. But I've never spoken of this first memory and how much it marked me and started me on the path that led to my own participation in an abusive relationship. I began the conversation by saying that I was not coming from a place of anger, or a place of blame. I told my dad that I was going to be very honest about my memories and my experience and that the point of me sharing was not to hurt him but to let him know how far I have come from that time and the way that I have healed from it. I told him that the first memory I was going to share was painful but that I recognize that he is a different person and that he and my mom get along and are friends. So I acknowledged the current reality as well. Before the conversation, I imagined that I would have to stop my dad from interrupting and explaining his side of the story. When I told him about the first memory and how it affected me, he just sat there and heard me out. He didn't interrupt and so instead of it being an interruptive experience, it was very easy and very smooth. Matter of fact, I had zero fear going into this. That is so unlike the past. In the past I would have been practically throwing up all the way to my grandma's house 
But it was so EASY. This is the "hardest" conversation I've ever had with him, and yet it was the easiest. When it came time for my dad to chime in, he took complete responsibility and didn't make excuses. I have been knowing him to be responsible for his actions but I thought that maybe this one memory might set him back but it didn't. He was very present with me through the whole thing and I didn't have to explain a lot. He just knew. I even thought that maybe he might not remember that day. But he did. And he explained how things were for him at the time. I acknowledged my dad and told him that the thing that brought me into a place of acceptance and of making peace with the past was becoming an adult myself and having my own experience where I realized that sometimes there is no good choice. That sometimes in life you are left with bad and worse and you just got to make the best of what is. I told my dad that I understood how much he was affected by the Vietnam war. He went there when he was 16 (fake ID) and he was there for 4 years. He came back home from the most violent place on earth and at that time there was no such thing as post traumatic stress disorder and as we have seen as a society, many of the vets from Vietnam were shunned, discarded and dismissed. I understand TOTALLY why he turned to drugs and alcohol. His experience was only compounded by the fact that he too grew up with a violent father. I told my dad of a memory where he took us to this park and me and my sister and he threw basketball hoops. I hated sports growing up, still do. My sister wasn't that interested and I remember at the time just kind of being silent and going through the motions. There wasn't a lot of joy in that experience but I did tell my dad that when I remember that day I am filled with so much love because I understand that he was trying the best he could. For that I LOVE that memory and that experience. My dad said many things that he needed to say. It was wonderful for me to be present for him as he shared his perspective and his side of the story. I told my dad about the gift, both in the way that I gave it to my child and how I gave it to my 23 year old self. I told my dad that my FAVORITE MEMORIES with him were the music. So crazy because on the way to go speak to my dad, I called my friend Vanessa from school for support and she told me I don't know why but I feel like I need to tell you that I'm listening to Elton John's "Benny and the Jets". I practically fainted on the street I told her that if I could pick ONE SONG as the theme song for my time with my dad when I was a kid and would visit on the weekends, it would be. THAT  SONG
When I was explaining how surprised I was to find Chaka in the "R" section, before I could finish the thought, he chuckled Yeah, she was with Rufus at the time. I just can never explain fully HOW IMPORTANT MUSIC IS IN MY LIFE. It has always been my salvation and for my dad to be on that boat and for me not to have to explain it, is just so amazing. I told my dad how my friend told me on the way about listening to Benny and the Jets and how important the memories of us sitting and listening to music were. My dad started reflecting and he told me how hard those times were for him and how the music was his escape. How fucking BEAUTIFUL that his escape into music was my escape too. Chaka (Rufus) was one of the artists that were the soundtrack of such a difficult and sad time of my life. The absolute miracle of music is that it can change the darkest of times into an absolute WONDERLAND. We talked about my Aunt Bell and what a good woman she was. We remembered her with so much love. We also remembered my cousin Lisa. I told my dad about how the path that I am on is going to lead me into bringing healing light to those in the darkness. I told my dad about my abuse and he connected to me as someone who too, had been abused. We had been victims in the past and it was incredible to be survivors together. He told me this experience with my cousin Lisa that broke my heart but made it swell with so much love for her and for him and for my clan. He was on the bus and he saw her come on and told her to come sit with her. When she sat down she started crying and telling my dad that her boyfriend told her she was fat and useless. This broke my heart to hear, however my dad told me about the advice he gave her and the comfort and love that he had given her. It made me feel so much peace to know that she was being loved in the times that I lost touch with her. She struggled through those years, but she was loved. I can't tell you how IMPORTANT knowing that my dad sat with her and loved her in that time, instructing her on a better way of being.....how important this is for me to know. My cousin Lisa was a strong woman. She was hardcore as a child and even more so as an adult. She has that stubborn streak that can be our family's worst enemy. But she also had that trait that is our biggest asset: HUMOR. My memories of her all involve laughter. She had me cracking up always. Even though the circumstances of her death were so tragic sad and dark, we remembered her with SO. MUCH. LIGHT. AND. LOVE
I cannot even begin to put down in words how HUGE this conversation is for me and how much healing took place. My dad called my mom the next day to tell her that we had sat down and talked and he told her it was the best day of his life.... This Sunday is my Dad's 64th Birthday and I am writing a letter to him telling him how much that conversation meant to me and I am burning a CD full of songs that make me think of him. I'm spending the day with him to connect and bring more healing and light to our relationship. Right now in school we are exploring different paths that we want to take, mine involving working with victims and survivors of domestic violence. I am in the process of exploring and figuring out where I can best be of service to men, women and children who are still in or coming out of that life. Because I have been able to touch the most hurtful parts of myself with a loving and healing touch, I will be able to do this with and for others. I am finding my calling in life. Undoubtedly, I would have found myself on this kind of path but Lisa is instrumental in bringing me to it so deeply, honestly, lovingly, compassionately and heartfully. Because of her, I have found my bravery and my strength. Her passing has brought so many beautiful moments of loving with my family and myself. She might not be on this earth but I know she is with me, guiding me along this path. I love her and I miss her and I love my grandma and Aunt and miss them too. I'll be back to talk about something really cool that happened yesterday which tells me she is watching over me…..   
. [Edited 3/16/10 17:50pm] 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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love to you and your family.  miss you very much my friend.
in loving memory of your beautiful family members.  
LOVE ♪♫♪♫ ♣¤═══¤۩۞۩ஜ۩ஜ۩۞۩¤═══¤♣ | |
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 I graduated bitches!!! 12-19-09 | |
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 loving memories always light the heart.Live life as though each moment is as precious & beautiful as a rainbow after a spring rain. b positive, creative, kind, productive, resourceful & respectful of humankind, & feel free 2 know that U-R-A  . i can feel it when u shine on me  | |
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 ACRYLIC
I do nothing professionally. I only do things for fun. johnart: Acrylic's old bras is where tits of all sizes go to frolic after they die. Tit Heaven. | |
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seems that i was busy doing something close to nothing, but different than the day before   | |
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Supadear I'm firmly planted in denial |
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I love you. Happy Birthday baby, I am blessed and honored to know you. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Through your journey others have found their spiritual path. peace and blessings buttah 
We all should know that diversity makes for a rich tapestry, and we must understand that all the threads of the tapestry are equal in value no matter what their color. Maya Angelou | |
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Wow Supa, you have a beautiful family and my prayers go out to you and the ones on the other side. May they forever dnce in the purple rain. You will find comfort in the knowing that you will see them again one day.
I think you are amazing and Happy Bday!! LIVE4LUV
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I love how you accept the pain and can move beyond it without ignoring it, instead deciding to confront it and become the better because of the confrontation.
I love how you pay tribute to the people that made you into what you are now; a warm, beautiful person that radiates love in real life (I heard the stories) and online. Thanks for sharing, Richard; I know all the ladies you lost are with you always and very, very proud. Have an amazing birthday. Love, H. >> |
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Ohh purple joy oh purple bliss oh purple rapture! REAL MUSIC by REAL MUSICIANS - Prince "I kind of wish there was a reason for Prince to make the site crash more" ~~ Ben |
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moderatorLovely... Prince, in you I found a kindred spirit...Rest In Paradise. | |
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