Why does this have to occur when couples split? Why can't issues involving the dissolution of the relationship remain between the parents? There is always a threat of "never seeing the children" or "not paying child support" or even manipulation of the children's feelings by disparaging the other parent or bribing the kid(s) with gifts. Why can't people handle their business and remain reasonably neutral when it comes to the welfare of the children?

you mean people should learn to act like adults before having kids?!?

sounds too much like right...

BklynBabe said:

I hear ya but damn, there's got to be a way to fight without involving those who are too young and immature to fight or choose a side to fight on.

DesireeNevermind said:

Some people can and do.

i have a friend that does that i help this trick take care of her kids cuz all 3 of em b fathers r in jail and she try 2 use them 2 get me 2 do stuff like use my car and take her places.sometimes i think some women have kids as a mean 2 collect walfare and get bigger income tax checks

My brother and I were used as pawns to a point when our parents divorced in 1980. Mom was truly a woman scorned, as she was cheated on by my father, with the piano player at church (and the woman's husband was the Minister of Music, so it was a huge scandal in this huge Baptist church). My granddad Sewell was a widower the same year, and started dating again. Granddad was a player, even in his old age, and it irritated everyone. My mother used to refer to my dad, and even granddad as "those Sewell men" and how horrible they were. I often wondered, since I shared their first, middle, and last names (I am the 4th, in a straight line of Ernest Sewells), where I fit into all that.

As I grew up, I became more and more irritated thinking back to the misery my parents put me and my brother through for YEARS, as they fought, degraded each other, and acted like total brats. It took me until just a few years ago to really, fully, 100% let go of that. I think writing my book was the final nail in that coffin of letting go.

My brother, although six years younger, I thought would end up more unscathed than I did, being 12 at the time of the divorce. He thinks he was past it as an adult. However, he's now divorced w/ two boys at home (like my mom was with he and I), after going through 10 years of an abusive relationship between him and his wife. They beat on each other, they both had scars, wounds, and more, physical and otherwise, from their 10 years together. I worry about my nephews, because my brother only refers to his ex-wife as "stupid", as if it's a name. He says that around the boys all the time. He hasn't learned a fucking thing from our parents divorce. He's using them as pawn as well, and is taking his anger out on them, molding them into hating their mother. He finally divorced her after she got pregnant with another man's baby about 2 years ago.

I get so angry at parents who cannot be grown up during a divorce and who don't try to handle their shit AWAY from ear shot of the children.

When you degrade the other parent, you bastardize the child. When you're downing your ex, you are attacking the very fibre that runs through your child's body. Why not just kick them in the teeth too? Parents.....grow the fuck up, and stop being selfish.

Also, for adult children of divorce, there's a good book called "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" by Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein. It's a must read for any adult, who as a child, had parents who have been through a divorce.

DesireeNevermind said:

It's a generational legacy of triangulation, manipulating the powerless and vulnerable children and scapegoating the "guilty" parent. Parents would have to be willing to be aware of what they are doing to stop abusing their children in this way.
Dealing with divorce or separation in a healthy way is a relatively new endeavor.

JustErin said:

Exactly

That's how Michael dealt with our oldest 2 and their Biounit

ernestsewell said:

This is exactly true


in the 25 yrs I have been with Michael NOT ONCE has he ever said anything negitive about our older childrens mom - not even in private ... ever

not that there was NOT reason to

BklynBabe said:

Yeah, I was gonna say, it's because too many people are having kids before learning to be adults themselves.

Personally, I think that it is very narcissistic of parents to use their children as pawns. It doesn't matter to these parents how it all affects their children...that once grown the cycle will be repeated along with the harm and hurt.