I wrote something that changed my life:

http://prince.org/msg/100/114206

This will probably be overkill for some who have seen it mentioned many times but there always seems to be someone who hasn't seen it.

At the time I wrote it I was beyond investing in any emotions over it. I barely thought about it and when I did I didn't cry. I took that to mean that I was over it. It wasn't until I read people's response to the article that I discovered that I wasn't over it. AT. ALL.

The year that followed was one of true soul searching and at the end of that year I decided to forgive my ex and that act opened up many doors and a world I have been waiting to live in. I began to discover many gifts I spent my whole life denying.

Coming into 2006 I couldn't have been more on top of the world. Then my cousin was killed. I had to view my path to my freedom through a tragic lens. I have written twice to remember my cousin and to talk about the things I have learned since she died:

1 year: http://www.prince.org/msg/100/220882

2 year: http://prince.org/msg/100/264513

Even with the death of my cousin I continued to feel that I would grow spiritually, and I have, but there were some things that I had to face which caused me great anger. That is one thing I thought would change massively being that I have faced my past and am committed to dealing with it in a responsible way. But my anger has only seemed to grow.

There are some here, who rightfully, have been touched by that anger. I make no appologies for those who deserve it. However, there are some who seem to be shocked by it and who's view of me has been affected by it. It is a consequence which I have to be willing to accept if I am to also own my anger. If any of my friends feel that I have unfairly directed any anger at them, to my true friends I say sorry.

For the rest who had no idea I had that side to me.....where the hell have you been? Sarcasm and humor seem to be lost on many and a lot of my diatribes are harmless really, like slave2dagroove said, I am a lot of serious with a dash of drama. Most of my escapades here are of the normal sort that everyone else enjoys. I have come to realize that perceptions are as strong as our words. And for that I feel I need to channel my anger in a more positive and productive way. I feel I am on the threshhold of finding out how that is possible.

Life continues on despite the victories and tragedies. They are all life. Monday I visited my mother in the hospital. Thankfullly she is only dealing with a urinary tract infection but she was pretty sick and my dad got her to the hospital just in time before there could be majore damage to her kidneys or something worse from the high fever.

I am consumed with the wellbeing of my mother. She is only 5 years younger than her own mother when she passed. I can't imagine the day I am to be without her. It's a nightmare I don't want to contemplate, but I can't help but realize that the time I have with her could be shortlived and therefore I need to make the most of what time I do have. Later in the day after visiting my mother, my dad told me that my grandmother had a stroke.

I was in a panic because there are so many things I haven't shared about my life with my family. Not because I don't want to or am too afraid but because there are so many complications with my family situation.

Since my cousin died, her immediate family have been tearing each other apart and things are just so out of control that even though I have wanted to share my path and my growth, even as it pertains to my cousins death, I almost feel like it is too late to share them with my aunt and uncle and cousins who lost their daughter/sister. There is just so much poison and I don't know that anything I say will change that.

Well my grandmother has been dealing with cancer for the last 4 years and last week found out it spread to her heart so when I found out that she had a stroke, it came clear to me that all the things I have been waiting to say couldn't wait any longer.

I went to visit her at the house (she doesn't want to die in a hospital if it comes to that) and spent 4 hours with her. The thought of never having said to her what was on my heart crushed me but thankfully she was responsive and in pretty good spirits, all things considered.

When I had the moment, I told her that there were many things about my life that I never told her because I didn't want her to be sad. She said that I could tell her anything and that she could handle it. That whatever I said stayed with her and went no further.

I didn't go into all the details about my own abuse, but I did tell her that I am finding my peace, and my path and that I am committed to making sense of my cousins death. I told her that I joined a public speaking group to speak about the things I feel will bring peace to those in need and that I am going back to school to get a degree that will help me become a counselor. I don't know if there is very much time left for her but I do have that open door to explain the details if/when she gets better and I have peace, knowing that she knows I am committed to living a life full of purpose.

Well I am mostly rambling here but I am so happy to remember back on that day 4 years ago when I told my story and how that allowed others to tell their story and how finding my peace helped others to find theirs who will help others to find theirs.

I am thankful for my first trip to heaven by the Lake Huron and for the family that I found through this site. I am very thankful for all the people that have helped me through on my journey and for those who have taken me into their homes and welcomed my painful heart. I am thankful that I am finding my faith and my path. I am thankful for the gifts I've been given to share. I am just thankful....

pearle said:

!!!!! Imagine it, a long winded post with only 1 emoticon!

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I know! What's up with that?

Sending lots and lots of love to you, Richard, thinking of you hon

very nice



(no, this isn't a trick. )

errant said:

What, that I have anger issues?

grimnt said:

Nat, you were part of one of the best pieces of my puzzle So glad the universe clued you in to which one of my doors needed to be opened

I love you, baby.

In memory of your cousin Lisa
@)-}---- @)-}---- @)-}---- @)-}---- @)-}---- @)-}---- @)-}---- @)-}---- @)-}---- @)-}---- @)-}---- @)-}----

Stymie said:

I always feel like I've never truly conveyed to you how big a role you have had in my personal resurrection. Love you too baby

Boriqua1130 said:

Thank you!

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

You are welcome, Supa. @)-}-----

Much love to you - always

I love you, honey.

love you baby

pearle said:

Well this was my reply to a music thread when all the words were stripped out:














I was very disciplined in my original post


[Edited 9/11/08 12:58pm]