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The 50 Worst Things Ever to Happen to Music
Scott Stapp. Pop-opera. The braided goatee. These are just a few of the things even the most open-minded among us cannot abide.

http://www.blender.com/gu...px?ID=1913



Blender, April 2006

50. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Has any record’s influence upon music proved so malignant? Concept albums, progressive rock, Brian Wilson’s nervous breakdown, baby boomers yammering away about the Summer of Love, musicians taking themselves more seriously than cancer surgeons — all the Beatles’ fault. And is there anyone alive who hasn’t suffered a collapse of the will to live during “When I’m Sixty-Four”?

49. That dude who yells “Freebird!” at every rock show

48. Hip-Hop Skits
Smart rap fans know the drill: As soon as you burn a new album, instantly delete any track that’s under a minute long. It’s the best way to avoid the stupid banter, fake sound effects and unfunny phone calls that bog down 95% of all hip-hop albums. Except Snoop’s “Deeez Nuuuts” bit. That’s classic.

47. Slash Quits GN’R
Paradise City officially became uninhabitable in 1996 when Slash walked out on Axl Rose, shattering one of the best, most rewardingly volatile relationships in rock history. Not only did the split force us to endure Slash’s Snakepit, but Guns N’ Roses became forever an ego-tripping punch line, with Axl — stubborn ex that he is — running through multiple replacements (including Howard Stern lookalike Buckethead) in a vain attempt to prove he doesn’t need his old partner.

46. Decency
In 1967, the Rolling Stones were forced to change a not particularly salacious song to protect the tender sensibilities of the American television-viewing public. Thirty-nine years and one stray Super Bowl breast later, the Rolling Stones are forced to change a not particularly salacious song to protect the tender sensibilities of the American television-viewing public. Viva progress!

45. Rootkits
In their desperation to make their new releases piracy-proof, Sony Music also managed to make them privacy-proof. The label was busted last year for releasing CDs with copy-protection software built in that, when played in PCs, could send data from your computer to the record company.

44. Rock poets
Memo to aspiring rock stars: Lyrics do not constitute poetry. Neither do pedestrian observations your life-coach thinks are profound. And despite what Jim Morrison seemed to believe, disturbed Freudian ramblings you howl while waving your dick around onstage are also, alas, not poetry. Please “cc” Jewel, Billy Corgan and Jeff Tweedy on this memo.

43. Non-fake Lesbians
Don’t get us wrong — we love lesbians. Just so long as they’re not playing music. From Melissa Etheridge to the Indigo Girls, real-live sapphic rock stars are to blame for some truly awful trends: earnest coffeehouse confessionalism, the Lilith Fair, flannel. Now t.A.T.u., on the other hand …

42. Scott Stapp
Although he’s rehabilitated his image in recent years by becoming an incorrigible drunk and trying to beat up 311, there’s no getting around the music. The fourth-generation grunge he’s peddled solo and with Creed might be harmless if it weren’t swathed in quasi-religious pomposity and delivered with an arrogance that — in light of his musical, er, gifts — feels downright delusional.

41. Melisma
It’s a fact: Words like “girl” and “baby” do not have 25 syllables. But thanks to that R&B-spawned, Idol–promulgated school of vocal histrionics — wherein one overdoes gospel ululations like Whitney Houston with a noseful — neither the shortest word nor sweetest melody can go unmolested by a uvula-spazzing “showstopper.”

40. Parrotheads
For millions, Jimmy Buffett isn’t just a guy who writes songs about putzing around the Caribbean — he’s a shining symbol of the “good life.” That so few of them will get any closer to this life than hanging out in a dank bar called The Banana Boat, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, sipping a frozen daiquiri and waiting for their turn to karaoke “Margaritaville” is monumentally depressing.

39. AIDS
Although it was responsible for many deaths (Freddie Mercury and Eazy-E among them) and inspired one of the most insipid hits in the past three decades (“That’s What Friends Are For”), the most significant musical damage done by the AIDS virus came with the subsequent demonization of sex and drugs, two ingredients without which rock & roll become practically pointless — if not impossible.

38. Sting

37. Gilbert O’Sullivan
In suing Biz Markie for sampling “Alone Again, Naturally,” in his 1991 song “Alone Again,” this ’70s British novelty twerp had a chilling effect on hip-hop’s most basic musical technique, establishing a legal precedent for litigious, hip-hop-ignorant tight-asses. The Biz’s next album: All Samples Cleared!

36. Sean Combs is … Puff Daddy is … P. Diddy is … Diddy.

35. Van Halen fire David Lee Roth

34. Van Halen hire Sammy Hagar

33. Van Halen fire Sammy Hagar

32. Van Halen hire Gary Cherone

31. Jazz fusion
It’s a rule of thumb that any music that uses “jazz” as a prefix will make you want to saw your head off in boredom (see also: jazz-funk, jazz rap, jazz house). But none is as wearying as the genre that thought what rock really needed was month-long bass solos and time signatures Stephen Hawking wouldn’t understand.

30. Braided Goatees
It seems so natural. Just grow those chin whiskers out a foot, part in the middle, and weave pube-like braids! Tragically, resultant blood loss to the brain knocks 80 points off your IQ, resulting in guttural vocals and misspelled band names.

29. Popera
Soaring key changes! 53-year-old groupies! Incessant use of the word amore! Blender explores pop-opera, the most disturbing hybrid since the humanzee.

Andrew Lloyd Webber Andrea Bocelli Il Divo Josh Groban Celtic Woman
Playbill The Godfather of Popera, he’s the man behind The Phantom of the Opera, Cats, Jesus Christ Superstar and more. His career answers the question: What would it sound like if Puccini jammed with Meat Loaf? Blinded in a childhood soccer accident, this Tuscan lawyer-turned-tenor elicited angry cries of “sellout” from opera purists when he went pop. Along the way, he’s sold more CDs than Pavarotti. Multinational, Simon Cowell–Svengalied hunks who sing about passionate courtships and still wake up early enough to appear on Martha to help her cook. Their fans call themselves Divo’s Divas. Popera’s golden boy. Doe-eyed and droidlike, this L.A. balladeer was discovered at age 17 by adult-contemporary poobah David Foster. His “You Raise Me Up” is the genre’s apex and nadir. Assembled by Riverdance’s former musical director, this group of five Eire-bred lasses became soccer-mom-circuit stars by blending opera with new age and Irish trad: Call it post-popera!
Homeland England Italy United States, France, Switzerland, Spain United States Ireland
As Heard… … during American Idol auditions … in a Bolla Wines TV commercial … on the speakers at Olive Garden … singing at Oprah’s 50th birthday … performing on public television fundraising drives
Outfit Powder-blue Oxford, khakis, loafers White blazer, white shirt, gray scarf, loafers Tuxedos, loosened bow-ties, loafers Rollneck sweater, distressed jeans, loafers Flowing evening dresses, flats
Your Mom’s Favorite Song “Memory” “Time to Say Goodbye” “Unbreak My Heart (Regresa a Mi)” “You Raise Me Up” “Walking in the Air”
Least Inspiring Inspirational Lyric “Sleep and I shall soothe you, calm you and anoint you/ Myrrh for your hot forehead, oh then you’ll feel/Everything’s all right.” “Look ahead and never turn your back/On the caress of your dreams.” “Follow your dreams/Be yourself, an angel of kindness/There’s nothing that you cannot do.” “You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains/You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas.” “We’re all a part of one world/We all can share the same dream … if you just reach out to me.”
La Dolce Vita Amassed an 18,000-bottle, $6,000,000 wine cellar Owns five Arabian stallions Dress head to toe in Armani Dates American Wedding actress January Jones Own matching NewsHour with Jim Lehrer mugs and caps
Critics Say “The messiah of the middlebrow.” “Wooden stage presence and sings out of tune at least a quarter of the time.” “Every element of actual personality airbrushed into show-biz blandness.” “Artificial and cloying, like something left off the Titanic soundtrack.” “Mistresses of schmaltz.”
Best Merch item Phantom Swarovski crystal necklace, $225 Official satin tour cushion, $20 Zip-up wine bottle cozy, $25 Pomegranate-scented travel candle, $16 Celtic Woman live DVD, $19
Degrees to Celine Dion Two. His muse and ex-wife Sarah Brightman released an Italian version of “My Heart Will Go On” in 1998. One. He duets with her on 1999’s “The Prayer.” One. They enlisted her to sing on their third album, Ancora. One. He sang with her at the dress rehearsal for the 1999 Grammys. Two. Their debut opens with pan flutes, which, post-Titanic, are synonymous with all things Dion.
Famous Groupie The Queen of England Elizabeth Taylor Martha Stewart Rosie O’Donnell PBS programming chief Gustavo Sagastume


28. The Disappearance of Independent Record Stores
Sure, the big-chain megamarts save you a few dollars. But do their employees know you by name? Will they hook you up with unexpected new imports? Will they ridicule you when you mispronounce Sufjan Stevens’s name? For music geeks, losing the mom-and-pop stores is like losing a musty, nerd-filled home away from home.

27. “Jukebox” Musicals
Why is crowbarring classic-rock songs into a play with a “plot” apparently written on the back of a matchbook so detestable? Not just because the results are creaky and insulting — the Queen-themed We Will Rock You — but also because they reveal that the rock stars involved don’t care about art, only money. And, despite recent high-profile flops — Lennon, Good Vibrations — there’s no end in sight. Coming soon: My Humps: The Musical!

26. Adam Duritz’s dreadlocks

25. Tribute Albums
Don’t die. If you do, a dozen artists who ripped off all your ideas while you were alive (and one of whom will almost certainly be Sheryl Crow) will record overly reverent, roundly uninspired versions of your songs for a tribute album. This album will be ignored and/or quickly forgotten, or will spur a revival in your music that you won’t be around to enjoy and profit from.

24. Mark David Chapman

23. Woodstock ’99
The lineup was bad enough — a lame attempt at multi-culti harmony mixing patchouli-soaked pied pipers (Rusted Root) with braindead alpha-males (Insane Clown Posse). When the event got going, the second sequel to the Summer of Love quickly degenerated into an ugly free-for-all of sexual assault, arson, ODs — and $6 pizza slices. No wonder those ATMs were looted.

22. Lists That Reduce Rock History to a Series of Glib Soundbites
(Sorry.)


21. Nearly Every Hip-Hop Video
We get it. Your ride is pimped, your crib is a castle and at the drop of an ice-encrusted hat, you can have tons of scantily clad ho’s pouring bottles of Cristal down your gullet while you kick it in the hot tub. Congratulations to a generation of hip-hop video directors for making decadence seem so … boring.

20. Syn Drums

19. Electric Violins

18. Soprano Sax

17. Fred Durst

16. Replacement Lead Singers
AC/DC’s impressive recovery from Singer-Vomit-Asphyxiation is the exception that proves the rule. If the phrase “Van Hagar” fails to convince, consider Rock Star: INXS and the macabre spectacle of Queen fronted by a leatherfaced Paul Rodgers.

15. CDs
First, record companies made everyone re-buy their entire collections on newfangled “compact discs,” promising sonic superiority and virtual indestructibility. Despite obvious drawbacks — ever try to separate seeds and stems on a jewel case? — everyone ponied up anyway. Then, once this digital format became the very means by which music could be ripped and distributed for free, these same companies cried poor. Boo. Hoo.

14. Florida
Let us be perfectly clear: We are not besmirching Florida, the strong African-American matriarch of TV’s Good Times. We are besmirching Florida, the Sunshine State, unholy font of the Backstreet Boys, ’N Sync, O-Town, limpbizkit, 2 Live Crew, dangling chads and an army of drum-pummeling, grizzly-bear-mimicking death-metal bands with names too “evil” (i.e., moronic) to mention. A curse upon the balmy Southern realm!

13. Light Aircraft
The first day the music died, it took Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper with it. The next day it took country star Patsy Cline. And then Jim Croce, half of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Stevie Ray Vaughan, John Denver and Aaliyah. There is, it seems, a good reason the tour bus is such a popular transportation option.

12. Kevin Federline
Golfing and wifebeaters? Whatever. Multiple babymamas? Hey, do your thing. Even the rapping isn’t that bad. But snatching away our favorite pop star — that cannot be forgiven. Two years ago, Britney Spears was America’s sexy sweetheart; then the ex-backup-dancer pounced, and it was bye-bye “Toxic,” hello diapers and Cheetos.

11. “You Really Have to See Them Live.”
First heard muttered by a proselytizing Grateful Dead fan sometime around minute 13 of the studio version of “Terrapin Station, Pt. 1,” this reflexive, defensive cry has long been used as an excuse for the existence of reams of irretrievably dull Phish, Widespread Panic and moe. records. If your studio albums feel limp compared with your live show, don’t put them out.

10. “Colonel” Tom Parker
Meet the Slobodan Milosevic of artist management: Before Suge Knight, Lou Pearlman or even Allen Klein came the “Colonel” — inventor of ruinously exploitative rock management. Getting his hooks into Elvis in 1955, the Dutch con man artfully steered the King away from making music (which he had something of a knack for) and towards the likes of Clambake, Kissin’ Cousins, Kid Galahad and the 30-odd other Hollywood forgettables he made instead of recording or touring for most of the next decade.

9. Whitey
There are people who believe that this creature — call him “honky,” “ofay” or the “blue-eyed devil” — was created 6,000 years ago by an evil scientist named Yakub via genetic experimentation on an island called Patmos in a … lab or something. These people are music critics. In the first half of the century, Whitey took the kaleidoscopic music of Louis Armstrong and Duke Ellington and begat Lawrence Welk and the couldn’t-be-more-appropriately-named Paul Whiteman. In the latter, he took Little Richard’s gender-bendy, crypto-porn shout “Tutti Frutti” and begat its wan, Wonder Breaded anathema, Pat Boone.

We see the Beast’s essence everywhere. There he is, a beefy blond youth in a Von Dutch cap, spilling keg beer as he shifts weight from one Teva to another to a Bob Marley song — something he calls “dancing”; there he is, performing as Michael Bolton and Vanilla Ice or singing through the narrow, goateed visage of A.J. McLean. The dreaded character George Clinton christened Sir Nose D’Void of Funk has had an anti-Midas touch on music for decades now, whether it’s rockers copping the sexiness but not the subtlety of the blues in the ’50s or lemon-faced mooks hijacking hip-hop’s vigor to express the torments of suburban males who can’t get laid in the ’90s. White folks: They ruin everything.

8. The Age of 27
For most of us, the Bermuda Triangle of morbidity lies between the ages of 50 and 53, after which, if you dodge cancer, heart disease and other bullets, you’ll probably live for decades. For rock stars, the year to fear is 27 — the checkout date for Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Brian Jones and blues legend Robert Johnson among others. Honorable mentions to Nick Drake (at a wizened 26) and Tim Buckley (at a boyish 28) — who were, after all, eccentric.

7. Finding God
Once the Big Guy gets under an artist’s skin, the work tends to suffer. Al Green went from making the sexiest music known to man to making gospel albums known to nobody. Mase quit hip-hop for the ministry, and when he returned, his skills didn’t come with him. The less said about Bob Dylan’s born-again albums the better, but the idea of Jehovah’s Witness prince proselytizing door-to-door in purple pumps still brings a smile. Esther, née Madonna, caused quite the mishegas by hopping aboard Kabbalah’s Judaism-meets-New-Age-hooey bandwagon. And Cat Stevens loved Islam so much, he named himself after it when he converted and then quit the music biz in 1979. Silly rock stars — you’re supposed to be the ones being slavishly worshipped!

6. Madonna’s British Accent

5. Ecstasy
As if convincing countless innocents to spend nights crushed into dilapidated warehouses, waving glowsticks and bouncing along to the same monotonous groove wasn’t bad enough, ecstasy also taught a generation of dance-music auteurs that songwriting was as easy as looping a beat, then taking a nap.

4. Neverland Ranch
It’s not as though everything was hunky-dory for MJ before he moved here. But somehow, the star’s retreat into a llama-stocked, Ferris-wheel-equipped, 2,600-acre Southern California funny farm in 1988 didn’t help his psyche. Wacko Jacko may since have emerged from his rustic Xanadu — dangling a baby off a balcony here, facing child-molestation charges there — and moved to Bahrain, but the great pop star he used to be has been lost forever in this multimillion-dollar shrine to childhood.

3. “The Star-spangled banner”
Here’s an idea: Let’s have the theme song for the world’s biggest and most diverse democracy be: 1) boring; 2) violently militaristic; and 3) next to impossible to sing. Not enough? OK, now let’s bring in Roseanne Barr to perform. She’s too busy? Get me William Hung!

2. Suge Knight
Here’s some advice: If Suge Knight offers to bail you out of jail, wait for a better offer. After doing this for Tupac Shakur, the bullying head of Death Row records molded a talented 24-year-old rapper into a doomed gangsta cartoon, fanned a preposterous coastal rap feud (fuck the Bering Strait, too, while we’re at it!) and steered his young star on a confrontational course that ended in a bullet-riddled BMW 750. Whether or not Biggie Smalls’s subsequent murder was related, Knight drafted a tragedy hip-hop never got over.

1. Kids Today!
Back in our day, we didn’t have any of yer fancy iPods and ringtones and downloads. We didn’t have the luxury and convenience of your scrotum-rings and your World Wide Web logs. When we wanted to steal the new Uriah Heep album, we couldn’t just troll the Internets for it, we had to do it the old-fashioned way — by hiking to the store (uphill, both ways) and shoving 12” of vinyl under our sweaters (which we had to knit ourselves). That’s why you sniveling whipper-snappers don’t appreciate the real value of music. Or Uriah Heep. Now get the hell off our lawn!

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I just got my issue of Blender and they do one of those short one page interviews with him in the back....I wonder if that got mentioned (I only flipped through it really quick).

American Idol
Disney/Disney Channel/Radio Disney
Digital instead of Analog
One Man Band instead of an actual band
Morris Levy
Jimmy Iovine
Elvis Presley
Vibe Magazine
Blender Magazine
Internet
Myspace
Clear Channel
PMRC/Parental Advisory

Sting is 38

StarMon said:

This guy is a fucking moron

Here are the worst things that happened to music...

80's (the early 80's still had some good stuff, but after that...)
90's
2000's

Honorable mention, hip hop/rap after the early 80's.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:

Universial --> For buying out damn nearly every record label that use to be independently-owned (Motown, Mercury, A&M, Geffen, .....hell, everything once brought out by PolyGram!!!), as well as anything hip-hop related (Def Jam, Cash Money, Aftermath, Roc-A-Fellas). This American music industry beast power accounted for more than 50% of the blame why most of 21st century music is freaking wack!

No reunited ABBA --> Even today, all 4 members of this dance-pop group has refused to give planet earth a much overdue reunion album or tour.

No KISS in the R&RHOF --> Hell, even Prince & Madonna has made it BEFORE them. And Michael Jackson was voted in twice (with Jackson 5 & as a solo artist). And if this continues, the next thing you know the freaking New Kids On The Block will be in it before Paul/Gene/Ace/Peter does!

Korg Trinity & Korg Triton --> since 1994, most of the sounds on a typical hip-hop/r&b, rap, & anything boy band/girl band pop tracks came for these two of the biggest selling keyboard workstations ever. And sadly, it is also the blame for making music producers & beatmakers too damn lazy to learn how to program a real synthsizer so they can created their own sounds, instead of using the same presets from these workstations all the damn time.

TonyVanDam said:

KISS is such an overrated band...

for mentioning Florida Evans

for this, and sting at 38 this gets my vote for best. list. ever.

1. Ricky Martin
2. Ricky Martin
3. Ricky Martin
4. Backstreet Boys
5. Creed
6. Beyonce
7. Fuggie
8. Barenaked Ladies
9. Vanessa Carlton
10. The Beatles
11-50. Ricky Martin

49. That dude who yells “Freebird!” at every rock show

Sorry but I always smile when that happens.

but maybe thats cause I've been to shows where someone yells it out, the band starts playing the beginning.


[Edited 3/13/08 0:04am]

StarMon said:

I hate those so much especially the sound of soprano sax!

1. Funk

FuNkeNsteiN said:

Like hell!

1. KISS is still consider one of the biggest selling live rock bands of all-time.

2. KISS has a career high 24 gold albums. Only The Beatles & The Rolling Stones have more than that.

3. Even today, KISS Merchandises are still selling more often than merchandises of other artists from any generation today. This alone makes KISS the biggest successful rock & roll franchise.

10. Sampling in hip hop
9. Portrayal of degenerative lifestyles such as drug use, sexual promiscuity and open ended hedonism
8. Death Metal
7. Shitney 1 and 2 (Whitney Houston and Britney Spears)
6. People rejecting Michael Jackson as a pop messiah
5. Idol and instant star shows
4. Bling and Crunk lifestyles
3. Boyband and ho type groups
2. Spice girls before and after spice
1. AMY WINEHOUSE!!!!!

Anyone who reads Blender is a , no offense

DarlingDiana said:

Oh gurl, you shouldn't be smokin' crack

tane1976 said:

I knew you were going to sneak something like that in there somewhere

FuNkeNsteiN said:

People seem to hate hip hop a lot around here. Why not trace it back to its source? To the original repetitive, melodic-less style of funk.

JoeTyler said:

Well if Rolling Stone would go back to being a real music magazine & stop catering to most of these wack ass C.R.A.P. artists, then "losers" (as YOU call them) wouldn't be reading Blender.

41. Melisma
It's a fact: Words like "girl" and "baby" do not have 25 syllables.

DarlingDiana said:

You can't blame The Funk for that bullshit.

The Funk can be play at many tempos & mostly in major keys (READ: happy, upbeat). This formula makes people happy & shake there booties.

There was a time where hip-hop could do the same thing. But right after 1993, the tempo became downtempo & mostly in minor keys (READ: sad, angry, depression, evil). This formula makes people act (wannabe) gangsta, drink more alcohol, smoke weed, & act like they don't have any freaking home training!



EDIT: It's not all hip-hop artists that is to blame for this. It only the ones of the mainstream.

DarlingDiana said:

Funk and hip hop are two totally different things, my dear

Shitney Houston killed rhythm and shit hop buried it.

Exactly. AMEN DAMMITT!!!!

There is ONLY one:
Consumer's BAD taste.

All the technology that enabled them to make bad singers sound good. The moment it became easy to cheat, then it also became easier to sign people based on image over talent. This goes for bands as well, who paste together performances instead of having to play it for real in the studio.

DarlingDiana said:

Stop drinking Jesus Juice, sir. Do I have to tell Michael you've been drinking from his wine bar again?

DarlingDiana said: