This might surprise some individuals here, but I'm a great lover of the Holiday season (hey, us powernoise folks need a break too), and one key ingredient that makes this period so special is naturally the music that goes with it. It certainly sets the mood just right, and most of them possess great melodies too. But I've recently also started to question the motifs behind the fact that we even have Christmas songs in the first place. I bet if people would give presents to each other on Easter there'd be Easter songs as well.

My favourites are actually the versions that kids come up with. You know, where they have replaced the original lyrics with their own. The ones where Santa is an alcoholic, the elves are on crack and the reindeer start feeling strangely aroused in each other's company - and so on. They are very creative. But the ones that we get to hear on the radio aren't bad either. Here's some more analytical viewpoints of some of the best known ones:


The traditional songs:

* "Jingle Bells" - This one certainly is cheerful, but does anybody really ever remember any other lines from the song than just, "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way"? It's total gibberish all the way, right? Whenever this one comes at the Christmas parties I just sing it like, "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way / Oh my flagmmmfff uhmffufghum dafffmffmff open sleigh!" and hope nobody notices. They're usually enough drunk by that point, so I guess I'm safe.

* "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" - Well, since alcohol already got mentioned, how do you think Rudolph got his red nose in the first place? I always thought as a child that the image of a red-nosed reindeer with a glowing red nose was a rather bizarre, but flying deer as well? You can't be serious. I'm an animal rights activist myself and this song can be a bit too much sometimes when I just think of all the potential violations it implies at.

* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" - This one is definitely the most amoral of the Christmas songs of them all. Sure, it's easy for us adults to realize that it's actually the father that is dressed up as Santa, but the kids can't tell that from such subtle implications. Hell, they still believe in Santa Claus, so how could they be able to figure it out by themselves? And if you pointed it out for them, they'd realize there is no Santa either - so you'd kinda like inevitably spoil everything with that. So it's perfectly okay for a married woman with children of her own to get with a strange, older, white-bearded Scandinavian man when there's no one to see it happening? What next? Santa gives it to Mommy under the Christmas tree? Do the kids have to endure watching that too?

* "Deck The Halls" - I'm not even getting there. That's just wrong on so many levels.

* "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" - Why sure. But he better keep his hands of Mommy.


The popular ones:

* "White Christmas" - Well, this one is so peaceful and comforting it always makes me want to rush to the mall and just consume like there is no tomorrow. Bing Crosby isn't very well-known for any of his other songs than this one outside America, which is kind of telling because "White Christmas" is what most shops play endlessly during the holiday season. It just crosses over to all social classes and is equally loved by the aristocrats, the chic urban people and the trailer park trash alike. It's actually the best-selling record of all time, for all you trivia-loving experts. So in your face Michael Jackson fans.

* "Merry Christmas (War Is Over)" - I bet Paul McCartney is still cringing his teeth over this one. After for years trying to sabotage the Beatles' and his own career by releasing corny, overtly sugary pieces like "Obladi-oblada", "Penny Lane" or "I Love You", Lennon goes and has the genius idea of writing a Christmas song and tops McCartney even on the one area, which Paul must have thought he had mastered better than anyone else. So even from beyond the grave John can still have his devilish revenge on Paul when the radios all over the world pump his song each year like possessed.

* "Last Christmas" - Seriously this one has gotta be the gayest Christmas song ever. It's actually also a very well-written top-notch kitsch piece, even down to the melodic synthesizer solo section in the middle (which always makes me think of my first Casio keyboard, for some odd reason). But the part where he sings, "Last Christmas I gave my heart / but the very next day you gave it away / This year to save me from tears / I'll give it to someone special" is just oozing with homo-erotica that it's almost going to explode (well so did you, George, so did you). It's even funnier in the video, because he is supposedly glancing his best friend's girl over the dinner table, but the picture has been framed in a way that he could be just as well glancing his best friend instead. Don't you just love the possibilities of revisionist interpretation?

* "Another Lonely Christmas" - Suprisingly, whereas most Christmas songs are supposed to be uplifting or cheerful, our very own Prince's offering from 1984 is definitely a downer. It certainly isn't "It's Gonna Be A Beautiful Christmas Eve" or "Let's Work (We Got Lots Of Christmas Presents To Deliver)". He casts himself in the piece unconventionally, not just as a helpless loser who isn't able to get over his ex, but also as an alcoholic. And one with a very fixed taste on just banana daquiris (Banana daquiris? How 80s is that?). So now that he's become a Jehovah's Witness he no longer celebrates Christmas, so I guess he's free to feel as depressed as he wishes each year. But how about those banana daquiris? Is there a psalm in the Bible that prohibits drinking them on Christ's birthday? It's obviously a tradition already.

... goddamn, Christmas is really coming. Thank God I have stored up alcohol in my apartment all throughout the year just for this day. Rudolph, wait up! I'm joining you.

great thread...

Novabreaker said:

Paul has "Wonderful Christmastime" though.