I wrote this a few years back after observing the mentality what people were demanding from Prince. I kind of poked fun on all sides. But the central message is one of change for the better
We all can change a little bit better over time.


Newsgroups: alt.music.prince
Date: 2000-12-24 18:14:42 PST


Thats right here it is ...and Im goingto sleep... later

Note:If you dont have a sense of humor then dont read. Why am I doing this xmas
parody? because of the sheer level of absurdity when you blur assumptions into
fact.. So I decided to blur assumptions and fiction because SOME peeople are
experts of that. And people so deserve to see their absurdity at what they are
saying. And awaaay we go (BTW Scrooge Mcduck will be talking in a scottish
accent because hes a parody of the Scrooge and I always laughed at the way he
would carry on) Picture him in a top hat and cane also.

Once upon a time there was Prince Mcduck and he loved money but he also loved
music but then things started changing he started becoming all about the money
right after he left Warner bros. Kirky J was his faithful employee and he
wanted Xmas day off from the paisley park complex. This is where our story
begins

Prince Mcduck:OHHH Kirky I tell you I made a wee kill on that CRYSTAL BALL SET.
Im number one at ME BANK brother!! hahahaa (rolls on floor) FREE the music
INDEEED and the Hit n RUN TOUR!! HO HO More money in me bin thats for sure.

Kirky J:Yea we did alright at that Prince.

Prince Mcduck:Ay lad Im not prince Im Mr Mcduck to you

Kirky:Alright Mr Mcduck I was wondering...

Prince Mcduck:You were wondering if you could have the day off??

Kirky:Yea I mean its xmas

PM:Ay Kirky you must know by now I dont celebrate XMAS it makes me sick its a
fallacy of the TRUTH

Kirky:What truth? I mean you keep saying it MR Mcduck

PM:The Truth is how I fill me MONEY BIN from the fans!! AYYY Im cleaning them
out Kirk! (rolls around floor laughing)

Kirky:I dunno if thats a good thing to do Mr Mcduck

PM:Who told youuu could be the boss of ME?? Kirky mind your tongue laddie or
I will be pink slippin you in a wee heartbeat.

Kirky:Mr Mcduck My family is gonna complain if Im not at xmas

PM:Ah whats more important?? Your family? Or Me money in me bin??

Kirky:My family

PM:I will disregard that wee remark laddie. But the truth is me bank is more
important

Kirky:SO I cant get Xmas off??

PM:Well if I do your going to have to work extra hard Kirky. Me money bin needs
more filling and me masters have to be stacked.

Kirky:Okay...will do Mr mcduck I will work ten times as hard

PM:Thats good but you are not working now Time is me money.

Narration:Kirky worked stacking those master tapes and rolling the money in
that Big Purple Money Bin. There was so much money because Prince was all about
the money. There wasnt a doubt about it was fact. You wouldnt be able to prove
anyone wrong he was ALL MONEY. Yes sir those engraved wheelbarrels with the
dollar signs on them proved that right away. And kirky worked until he got the
job done til Midnight)

Kirky:All done...Mr Mcduck

PM:Ay that will do I suppose but after XMAS we have to stack more of me money.
Because Im number 1...

Kirky:I know... You're number 1 at the bank

PM:Ay thats good laddie! Ho ho more money to swim in.

Kirky:What about music??

PM:Ay what about it?? I dont need to record anymore. I got me money

Kirky:What about your tour??

PM:That fellow is right on amp I am all about me money. I shouldnt hide it
anymore

Kirky:But dont you want to play anymore??

PM:Ay Laddie I got enough of me music to last me for decades. Ive been
stockpiling since I was a wee boy. So much wealth it will make ya sick! HA HA
(rolls around floor again)

Kirky:Well I guess what about freeing the music??

PM:Ayyy Kirky thats a no go on that one I say. It would drain me wallet. We
cant have that ME Bin needs to be filled.

Kirky:Oh so its like that

PM:Indeed laddie sell all me guitars on ebay for more money!! HO HO Can you
imagine?? Those White people pay a BIG price because they are stupid by
genetics.

Kirky:What?!?!

PM:You heard me. The white people me just want to rip them off and get more in
me Money Bin so do the jews...those cursed jews but me black scottish blood
is a fighter kirky The ship will be saved!!

Kirky:ohh man I dunno

PM:Enough planning on whitey I got to take a swim in me Bin

(jumps in money bin swimming laughing saying :Whos number one at the bank? Its
meee PRINCE MCDUCK. If you dont own your masters your masters own you
HAHAHAHAHA

Kirky:Well goodnight Mr Mcduck and Merry Xmas...

PM:BAH HUNDALASILLAH!!!

Narration:Kirky went off as Mr mcduck slept in his money bin with a bed.
Because you see hes all about the money. And you could never argue with that.
But as he was about to drift off to sleep Prince Mcduck was about to have a
rude disruption

PM:Ay its so nice to have peace n quiet in me bin.

(Noises rattling)

Voice:PRINNNCENEEZER MCDUCK!!!

PM:Ach whooo said that?? It sounded like somebody I know

Voice:PRINCEENNEEZER!!

PM:There it is again (picks up microphone gun)Better stay away I have a gold
plated GUN that is quite valuable but also very deadly

Voice:PRINCENEEZER (Ghost appears)

PM:AH who are you laddie??

Ghost:Dont you recognize me? YO we put down the phat crazy jams

PM:AHHH its you

Ghost:Yes its me...

PM:Tony could it be you after all these years??

Tony M:Yes it is...the goldnigga himself Black mfs in the house

PM:Ahh tony Im a jehovah dont curse in me Bin. Im number 1 at me bank

Tony:Thats why Im here Prince. Dog we gotta talk...

PM:Tony I need my sleep I might be getting a new record deal laddie

Tony:I cant wait... Its not time to be igna igna igna ignorant

PM:Ya still can rhyme or mc as they call it. Thats good laddie. What is that
around your neck? Ahh What have they done to you??

Tony:These are my gold chains. I always wanted to be the gold nigga. I got my
wish Prince now look at me??

PM:Its definitely not 1800 new funk ice thats for wee sure. I could have hooked
you up with a bargain Tony you missed out laddie.

Tony:There are no bargains where I am

PM:Oh no it cant be...

Tony:Yes

PM:You arent performing at malls for minium wage? Ahh thats a wee bummer.

Tony:No man Im paying for my mistakes. You get my drift?

PM:Ahhh TONYthe IRS took all your money for selling me recordings serves you
right

Tony:No Im paying the price man I never sleep all this gold. Do you want this??


PM:You could liquidate it and sell it for a weee pretty penny

Tony:No man IM here for life you got that. For life no women no family nothing.
Just walking!!

PM:Thats a bummer for sure Tony

Tony:Listen you are gonna be visited by 3 ghosts tonight

PM:Tony I cant do that its wee too late. I got to get some zzzs in me bin

Tony:You dont have a choice man. These ghosts are coming at 1 2 and 3

PM:Ahh I dont know about this sounds a wee bit much cant they all come at once?


Tony:No man they cant

PM:Ahh thats a wee bummer

Tony:You say Wee a whole bunch man you have changed.

PM:I never told you I had wee scottish in me??

Tony:I never knew that

PM:Well now you know DEACON

Tony:Yea well I gotta be audi 5 thou bro...

PM:Peace n be wild Tony

Narration:PM goes back to sleep and is woken up by a voice

Voice:Its time man get up. I aint playing Prince never ever again will I play
for you

PM: ahh who is that

Man is holding bass guitar and ratted old dirty mind tourclothes)

PM:Andre is that you??

Andre:Yea its me punk. I saw that message on the internet. WHy you dissin me?
You know im funky nigga

PM:I dont curse anymore its a wee bit sacreligious

Andre:Yea I know man. So Ive heard you all about one thing now tho huh??

PM:AHHH yes Me bin my lovely bin

Andre:Well dig this Prince Im the ghost of MPLS Past

PM:Ahh ohh no I have to go with you!! But your not dead

Andre:Yea but my spirit is so guess what nigga spiritually Im dead on earth

PM:Ay thats a bummer lad.

Andre:Thats right man grab onto my bass

PM:If you say so andre but Id rather stay in me Money bin.

Andre:Your precious filthy money will be fine

Andre slaps bass his way to the past)

PM:Ahh thats a funky wee lick laddie I might have to use that too HA HA more
funk for the buck

Andre:If you do Im gonna beat that ass. YO when you start talking scottish?

PM:It just came out of me I got a little bit of wee scottish in me.

Pm:Where are we??

Andre:Look in the window

(Looks in)

PM:Thats me and its you!! Thats crazy

Andre:Yea man lets go in (hits bass notes from wanna be your lover)

YoungPrince:Hey man Im playing solo on this one...

Young Andre:Nah man Its me

PM:We always did fight over bass and guitar solos didnt we andre?

Andre:We sure did check this out...

Young Prince:Well how about this I solo for a second but we trade off cool??

Young Andre:Yea man Im with that

Young Andre:Our band is so gonna make it man I can feel it

Young Prince:I know man we are just hungry for it straight up. But I aint gonna
do what Sly did. Im gonna be straight all about the music

PM:Ahh he said hes all about the music. I forgot all about me music...

Andre:Yea but you know what its no time to get nostalgiac

(Slaps bass again)

Warps to early 80's)

Young Prince:Listen man what we gotta do is you go under a name anonymous

Young andre:Fuck that man Im sick of not getting credit

Young Prince:Listen this is my show man...I run it you can always leave

Young Andre:Fine I will...

Pm:AHH im sorry Andre I was a wee ego trippin

Andre:Yea you were but thats nothing compared to this

Slaps bass and warps to late 86)

Wendy:What the hell why cant you just listen to our ideas

Older Prince:I do but its like... we aint connecting you know I guess what Im
saying is Revolution is thru

Lisa:So you just want a different band??

Older:Yea I want a different band and a fresh start

Wendy:FINE! (they both walk out)

PM:Ahh I didnt mean to tick off those wee girls

Andre:But you did and whats worse is you broke it off

Pm:Ahh I shouldnt have done that. Fame does weird tracks to you sometimes

Andre:We aint done yet...
(slaps bass again and warps to mid 90s

Michael B:I dont get it why do you not give us any credit we are your band
mates??

Sonny:Hey man be cool its cool

Michael B:No its not cool hes straight manipulating us. Why man why??

:Listen man these are my children. You guys play the backup role just cool
out and do your part or leave. I aint playing

Michael B:then I am outta here!!! (Michael B leaves)

PM:Ahh I shoulda gave them a writing credit

Andre:Yea that wouldnt have hurt . They might still want to be working with you
if you knew how to share.

PM:Ay its hard its a wee difficult my childhood

Andre:You think about this man...
(slaps prince mcduck back to money bin)

PM:Oh now that was a scary dream I had. But oh me bin its still here with all
me MONEY HO HOHO!! Thank god...

Voice:Hello

Pm:Who is that??

Voice:I am the Ghost of Mpls present

PM:OHHH Chuck Huntsberry is that you!!! Ay lad I havent seen you in a whilee

Chuck:You are aware you talk in a scottish accent

PM:Its not mee fault Im just a little wee scottish not white tho god forbid...

Chuck:Excuse me??

PM:I mean White people cant stand EM they are all out to cheat you

CHuck:Yo man thats messed up

PM:Its the truth Chuck we all been had

Chuck:Listen Im here to take you to present time Xmas day this time whats going
on in mpls

PM:Bah Hundalasillah Im not into Xmas. Im just a wee bit more interested in me
money bin

Chuck:Listen this is no option you going (Grabs prince and they warp)


Chuck:Look thru the window?

PM:Ahh its Kirky J and his family I didnt know he had one!!

Chuck:Maybe you should think of him more than a lackey programmer/drummer

PM:I do now he fills me Money bin up everyday from all the guillible white
people

Chuck:LISTEN for a second damn!! (they listen in)

Kirky:How is my Npg family??

Kirkys kid:New power great!!

Kirky:Ahh thats cool man

Kirkys Kid:Daddy what did you get me??

Kirky:Well lets see... SURPRISE!!

Kirkys Kid:WOW drum loop preset soundcards!!

Kirky:You are welcome


PM:Those soundcards are a wee weak. I should know we used those drum sound
disks on Emancipation and NEW POWWWURR SOUL.


Chuck:Thats not the point that they are flat sounding its the spirit of giving

PM:Bah Hundalasillah!!!

Kirky:Dont forget Tiny Kirk I got somethin for you too

Tiny Kirk:What is it daddy??

Kirk(shows him NPG crutches)

Pm:What is wrong with Tiny Kirks leg??

Chuck:He broke it because his preset soundcard messed up his drum machine so he
kicked it real hard and bent his leg the wrong way. He wont walk right ever
again

PM:AYYY thats horrible and theres nothing we can do!!

Chuck:Im afraid not maybe if you didnt fire Michael B he wouldnt have been led
to a preset soundcard injury. It might be saved for a surgery but that costs
alot money and Kirky doesnt have that for Tiny Kirk

PM:Well...Poor Kirk I feel for him I really do

Chuck:YOU dont get it!! This kid needs your help!!

PM:Theres nothing I can do IM paying him as much as me can.

Chuck:oh I know that...and that isnt too much

Kirkys Wife:Honey its okay Tiny Kirk is gonna be okay. We are gonna get him a
real drum set to work that leg so he can walk again

Kirky:I hope so. I want my son banging on those drums instead of pressing
buttons for Prince mcduck like I do

Kirkys Wife:Yea Prince mcduck...lets hope he drowns in his money

Kirky:Dont say that Kirky got us this!!

Kirkys wife:Mofo he got us what?? This hole in the wall it looks like a broke
down best western hotel room.

Kirky:He lost his spirit in music but I think hes gonna change...

Kirkys Wife:Well he better... damn how can somebody be so greedy

Kirky:I dunno baby I dunno...

PM:Ay take me away spirit chuck I cant see no more

Chuck:I knew you couldnt...one more stop tho...

PM:This better be good and not depressing like the last one

Chuck whisks him to beaten down shack)

Chuck:We are here

PM:Who is in that??

Chuck:Lets go see (walks thru door)

Scrap D:So man its like this I did work for Prince but I aint never get my
contract aint that some shit aint that some shit nigga??

TC Ellis:Yea nigga thats some shit alright. I got my solo album...

Scrap D:Yea but I never got mine. What happened man? What did I do wrong??

TC Ellis:I dunno man I dunno (continues playing dominoes)

PM:What you did wrong was ya were late one day smokin dat wee chronic and
drinkin dat GIN And juice. I cant tolerate it NO SIR!

Chuck:But you never dabbled...

PM:Nothing like that I mean for godsake he was late man

Chuck:What about the ecstasy??

PM:Thats different Spirit chuck it was a experiment

Chuck:Yea okay Prince you let it slide only when you mess up

PM:I dont expect you to understand you were on so much wee COKE!!

Chuck:Listen maybe if somebody cared I wouldnt have had as much drug trouble as
I did

PM:You blaming it on me?? Thats a laugh lad.

Chuck:Im not blaming anything on you. All of these incidents you have seen they
could have been prevented by you doing the right thing.

PM:Ohh I see...its all my fault...

Chuck:ANd ever since you started getting more and more older the money consumed
you so much that you started talking like scrooge mcduck and dressin like him
and having a big Money bin

PM:Ohhh no Blarney I have become Mcduck! What can I do spirit?? Help me ...

Chuck:I cant do anything for you now its all up to you one more spirit...

PM:No spirit I cant take no more its a wee too much I just want me bin back!

Chuck:Im sorry but thats not a option

PM:But spirit who is the next one??!?!

Chuck:The spirit of the future

PM:Ay I hope hes nice

Chuck:You will see...

PM:Bye chuck may you live 2 c the dawn...

Chuck:Good bye prince

(purple rain plays as he fades away)

PM:BAAAH HUNDALASILLAH its all in me head

Pm goes back to sleep)

Is awakened by rattling)

PM:AHH its you no spirit I cant go!!!

Future:Nods...

PM:Alright spirit I will go

Future spirit warps prince to future of Prince)

Pm:What is this??

Spirit:(points to door)

Pm:AYY its Paisley park its become a mausoleum!! Spirit why?

Spirit:Points inside)

Pm:Its all changed wheres my instruments...its all tombs theres no studio oh
no me bin!! Its all gone!! Oh no no no no more fooling the white people ever
again!! Oh (crying)

PM:Spirit I have changed... I didnt mean it so ...I know I have been all
about the money a greedy racist sellout who hasnt made good music in 6 years. I
have just been tricking the white people spirit Im sorry. Its all the truth!!

Spirit:EXACTLY!! (throws back hood)

PM:Huh what?

Spirit:Thats it my PROOF!! MY PROOF!!

PM:Spirit I dont understand...

Spirit:You wouldnt you idiot bozo (yawn)

PM:Are you calling me a bozo??

Spirit:Yes I am finally I have that proof I have been searching for

PM:who are you??

Spirit:My name isnt important what is important is i researched you

PM:What in Blue blazes are you talkin about LAD??

Spirit:I know you and your false promises and I finally have you after all
those assumptions that I labeled facts. But now they are facts...Ohhh just wait
those ampers are ALL WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!

PM:Laddie what happened to you? You look like you got in a fight with a toaster

Spirit:My idiotic computer blew up on me so naturally I became dead which kind
of made me mad but then I thought maybe I could bargain to be a ghost that
shows people their fate. And when your name came up I had to take it. You
screwed so many people now I got you sucker!! (points to prince)

PM:What are you talking about your a wee loon!!!

Spirit:IM NOT a wee loon now get in your purple coffin. SAY it

PM:Say what??

Spirit:Say you are all about the money I didnt get that on tape that time

PM:Im not gonna say that lad Ive learned my lesson its about the music

Spirit:AHHH son of a bitch NOO!! You have to say it Im right (Shaking) Im
right Im right!! PROVE me wrong Prince!! PROVE me wrong!!! YOU cant I know you
can (hahahaha laughing insanely)

PM:Laddie I want out of this right now. You are a basketcase thats for sure

Spirit: You didnt release alot of music lately have you??

PM:What do you mean Laddie I released alot of music maybe not as much as I did
back then but Im gettin old I cant just crank out 20 cds outta my patoot

Spirit:YES you can your prince!! MAKE THEM NOW!!!

PM:I cant man...it doesnt work like that

Spirit:BULLSHIT

Pm:IM tired...

Spirit: Yawn) You are such a liar

PM:I cant and Im about the music

Spirit:No you arent!! Prove me wrong Prince!! Prove me wrong. Show me the
evidence!!

PM:okay I will lad from now on Im about the music (rips up money in his coat
pocket

Spirit:AHHH NOOO!!!

Spirit:What about you favor white people??

PM:I did but I learned me lesson. I favor all people now of all colors even
assholes such as yourself

Spirit:NOOO This isnt happening. Keep pretending...Keep pretending
this isnt real

PM:thats right and moreso kiss your deillusional ass goodbye (throws Spirit of
the future in grave pit

Spirit:AHHH

PM:Thats what I call Welcome to the shove the looney down the bottomless pit
experience

(Prince wakes up)

Prince:What oh good it was just a dream... Im still here

Prince moments later:(grabs vault tapes and starts pressing cds all day)

Prince:Merry Xmas...Free the music (throws up cds in the streets of all his
music)

Kirky:Is that you Prince?!?!

Prince:KIRKY!! How are you doing Im doing great man. Now that I killed that
future prediction. Im right and hes wrong

Kirky:What are you talking about?? Your scottish accent its gone

Prince:Thats right muthafucka so it is... NPG get wild now

Kirky:Hallejuah Prince is back no more mcduck and back to cursing!

Prince:Thats not all Im putting the band back together nigga

Kirky:You mean Sonny Tommy and Michael?

Prince:All those And Andre cymone dr fink wendy and lisa and eric leeds and
sheila e Its gonna be a big Jazz funk ensemble and we gonna have Gil Evans
like horn arrangements!

Kirky:THATS so outta sight

Prince:AInt that something and you my friend are getting a raise

Kirky:Wow this has truely been a beautiful experience


Narration:And with that Prince finally realized that its all about the music
and not the money and it became clearer and clearer it was about giving. He was
Prince not Prince Mcduck anymore gone was the greedy prince and there was the
giving nice prince. And those are the facts straight to you...Prince is now
about the music...Sometimes people take things too far with dissecting a
persons personality Prince found his way and later on he helped others find
their way thru his inspirational music of the 21st century .Have a merry xmas.

Someone Secret Santa a life to the dude who wrote this.

Number23 said:

While we are on the Secret Santa mission, will also send a secret santa for: a original concept band name for your band, a website that isn't wack,and a record deal that you don't get in a box of cereal with proof of purchase,and some better press photos,and a stylist that doesnt have your band looking like a demo for a low rent J.C. Penney photo shoot,for that alterna/emo back to school look.


Ryde Devine indeed... you cant talk at all kid

Trickology said:

Excellent response!

So in the end, was it funny?

I'd love to know!

I like it!

Taureau said:

No.