I don't even know what I wrote down here, I've just been
listening to music all night long and been writing in the
meantime. I'm not gonna re-read it since it is bound to
be so awful that I'll delete it. And I don't want to do
that, I want to come back here tomorrow and see what kind
of stupid shite I wrote. But one thing I do know, this is
a topic about absolutely nothing worthwhile, so be warned.







For You

A sloppy chipolata pudding with white wine spritzer, it
might impress the junior virgins but it won't gain you
access to those thirty-something knickers.

Prince

A warm strawberry donut with coffee, cream and junior
mints shared with a date on a romantic walk along the
peer. Just make sure there isn't a militant lesbian
march on for that day.

Dirty Mind

Bangers and Mash with cold beer. Enjoyed at an all
nite highway restaurant. You might take your sister
or you might even have a poke at the waitress, if
she's up for it. Gloryholes in the restroom, and
instant-weddings next door.
Note: watch out for patches of jizz on the seats.

Controversy

Dormroom-fridge-surprise. Just scrape off the crust
and beware that psycho bitch from 2C don't catch you
in the act.

1999

An enormous bowl of seafood with complementary oysters
and a fingerbowl with hot water and lemon to wash your
hands afterwards. Or your groinal area.

Purple Rain

A grotesquely decorated 7-store weddingcake with rum
creme on the inside and cherries on top. Punch for all!
Double servings for girls with lace underwear on. Just
make sure you don't over-do it or the host might slap
you.


Around The World In A Day

Turkish coffee and fortune cookies, on a pick-nick in
Tibet, served on a union-jack. If you're lucky, you
might run into Paul McCartney and the Bachwan, sharing
a blunt, he'll claim he was the most talented Beatle.


Parade

Toast and Lavender Tea in a stripped down minimalist
French restaurant. The meal might not seem like much
but with this snobbish service, you're lucky to get
as much at all. Just enjoy the scenery and the camp
pillock playing the piano.


Sign O The Times

Fennel Soup for starters, then a Club Sandwich, then a
bowl of banana iceream with chocolate flakes and some
coffee, after dinner mints and a cigarette, discuss the
state of current affairs over dinner, go clubbing all
night long, get drunk and end up having raunchy [but
protected] sex with someone gorgeous [it doesn't háve
to be your dinnerdate].

The Black Album

Vanilla pancakes at the bondage bar. After your hands
and feet are strapped tightly to the table, "Hans",
your waiter for the night, will feed you your serving
and give you a complimentary spanking.
Note: Fridaynight is Neonnight: manditory masturbation.

Lovesexy

A fast of water and seaweed with complementary visions.
After 6 days you'll be awarded a trip out to the candy
store where you may swim in a sea of backlit rockhard
candy in all colours of the rainbow. Make sure they
don't put everything on just 1 bill, it'll be a mess
to sort out the seperate portions.



Batman

Stir-fried bat with lemon. Just make sure your date
doesn't have any childhood issues to work out before
you go for dinner. Most likely you'll sit at a table
in eardistance to someone citing movielines all nite
long. The food will most likely constipate you and
you'll need an enema to set things right again. A
smelly nite out, by all means.


Grafitty Bridge

Who would get a bite down after that? Indeed, you'll
just go out for drinks to a nice smooth jazz n poetry
bar with a midget playing keyboards and a sexkitten
whispering doodles on a blacklit stage. After 15 shots
of vermouth, sex in the alley is not far out of
reach. After 30 shots of vermouth you might strap on
some assless pants and go moonlighting on a rooftop,
doing the chickendance with some of the locals.


Diamonds & Pearls

Pasta with roasted lamb & apricots, a martini and a
Cuban cigar. The restaurant is Italian, no doubt,
but with an oldies movie theme added to it. The
waitor will be a part-time rapper who'll treat you
to his latest musings. The date will be so-so.
It will start out great but meander in the end.
The sexual crescendo however will be an absolute
showstopper [yet somehow you still can't forget
some of those lines that waiter spilled out].


o(+>

Chicken breast with lemongrass and too much cream. Not
a drop of water to go with this dish. The desert will
be an overkill of flambeéd fruits. It will doubtless
impress your underaged date. You might have to help
her translate the menu though.


Come

Vodka and Viagra, mango slices for those who want a
bit of a bite. But nibbling is allowed to, in fact
I think this restaurant endorses it.


Exodus

Gravy with meatballs mothafucka. The service is not
too good, the personell looks threatening but this
joint somehow has an enormous appeal. Just park your
little car three blocks down cuz you'll surely be
laughed at by the pimpsters in the parkinglot with
their bumping rides, flashing wheelcaps and matching
dentures.
A waitress might try to sell you some tapes. Buy one
it'll be the funkiest tape in your collection.


The Gold Experience

Today's special at the local nude bar. Naked women
everywhere, you'll probably forget all about your
meal and take it home in a doggy-bag. Just don't
talk to the girls, since one of them will surely
start talking about reïncarnation, telling you she
dreams of making love to whales.


Chaos & Disorder

Microwaved roadkill with a sportsdrink. Johnny
Knoxville might drop by at this suburban barbeque
and put his balls on the grill, just for a laugh.
Lock the lavatories, some of the jackass crew are
planning to dump a pig's heart in you john.


Emancipation

A jar of sacharine, some lollipops and a tiny, tiny
tiny side-dish of mouthwatering haut quisine. The
date starts out nice, but this girl keeps talking
about the same thing over and over and over. Her
voice starts irritating you. You'll need strong
nerves to sit this date out. Better send a friend
out on this one and make them go see what she's
like, come back home and tell you the abbreviated
version.


The Truth

Finally, you've met mr/mrs Right. They're very
goodlooking, sporting a cool mellow style. They
do have some severe emotional baggage, but they
know how to swing it and don't weigh you down
with it. They'll talk about ethereal stuff, a
nice anecdote interwoven with mythical lore and
some cool facial expressions, a fingersnap here
and there. They'll mention Mancini and you'll
be so impressed you feel your groin catch fire.
The meal will be in a hip lounge bar with fine
modern art and comfortable seating. The dinner
will be vegetarian, and you'll play along and
order lettuce and corn eventho you're secretly
pining for a juicy stake.


Crystal Ball

Heffa alert! This date looks like all that and
a bag of crisps. But they're not. They're just
a collage of stolen bits and pieces. Magpie on
the run from obscurity, approaching their own
sell-by date. No matter where you take them,
they won't notice, they'll only be interested
in telling you stories of the good old days
when they were still up and running with the
crowd. They'll curse like no tomorrow, to act
as if they're still hip. But to no effect.
Once the first bottle of whine is gulped down
make-up will start to run. Make sure to sneak
out the bathroom window before the houselights
are turned up bright.


Kamasutra

A blind date at the Russian Tearoom. Your friends
told you this was THE one for you. They turn up
45 minutes late, "because ballet rehearsals ran a
bit late". They don't eat in fear of gaining any
weight. The bag on their lap clutters and twangs
with the metallic sound of scissors. Whatever you
do, don't upset them. They probably collect old
toenails in a jar. No relationship material.


NPS

-second serving free of charge. All
round stinker. All restaurants were closed so you
got a weener at a hotdog stand. It was lukewarm
and gave you the runners for 2 days after. Your
date called and told you she wanted to start
seeing other people.


Rave Un2 The Joy Fantastic

Lentle-beans & tofu on stale old toast with a glass
of kiddy cider. Your date called and said she is
now seeing an ex wife-beater and loved to eat meat.
pun intended. Sell some of those prada shoes she
left lying around and grow yourself a vegetable
garden.


The Rainbow Children

Selfgrown crops and ashtree leaves, some rice and
probably someone snuck in a roast of lamb through
the bathroom window. Just don't let the hoast catch
you. Enjoy the food, enjoy the chatter and the
atmosphere but make sure you leave before desert
cuz that's when they'll close the doors and whip
out the watchtowers.


One Nite Alone [piano]

Luncheon at the Gentlemen's lounge. Membership
required. There'll be a lot of old crooners in
pinstriped suits sipping brandy, cigar in one
hand, 18 year old in the other. The pianist is
very good. They'll even throw in a Joni cover
if you put some dollars in their glass and an
extra tip for the gold-diggers-alimony fund.
Your date will be an old, distinguished 'been
there, done that' type of affair. They might
ammuse you for a while, but it'll never last.


thisthreadisuttershiteedit
[This message was edited Wed Nov 26 13:58:40 PST 2003 by IstenSzek]

Hilarious!!

Isten does it again. Brilliant!

mmm...huge menu...

5 stars!

"Microwaved roadkill with a sports drink", quite possibly the funniest AND most offensive dish of the menu.

Oh man, i haven't eaten dinner,,, now i am sooo hungry.

I take it you aren't into the finer things in life

I'll have the Sign O' The Times special, old the cigarettes and sex, please?

Bangers and Mash? You talk funny.

enjoyniki said:

Shall we go out for a "Black Album" dinner tomorrow nite?

squirrelgrease said:

Is that so?

Absofuckinglutely Inspired - Brilliant thread!

I gonna read it again

Very well done!!

Remember what Prince said about the Stones' song "Miss You"...

origmnd said:

I DON'T!

IstenSzek said:

oooh...












And stop that self-deprecating shit! You are one funny mutha-mutha.

jeremyfaulkner said:

Oh, so that's all you have to say after reading this
thread eh?

Go and be ashamed of yourself. You need to be slapped.

Absolutely brilliant! I love this thread...we're due for one like this









and another for good measure!

The best thread on any message board, ever, in the entire history of the world.