This may be in the wrong forum so I apologize if that is the case. I just figured since it has something to do with Prince I would post here.

I see a lot of jokes about Prince and his religious beliefs, some in good humor and some in downright disrespect. I'm just wondering if he had announced that he was converting to jewish faith, or was studying judaism, would people still make jokes about it. Would people make fun of his religion then? Or would that be anti-semitism? I think that peeps would not be so quick to make jokes if that were the case and if I'm right that is pretty hypocritical. I just don't get the big deal over his beliefs. Come on...Prince has always, regardless of spirituality, thought he was right and everyone else was wrong. His current beliefs are only indicative of that, not the cause.

btw this was thread was inspired by all the jokes throughout this site, not any one in particular.

You have a point. Its like it is "ok" to degrade the JW religion. Maybe its because that door to door salesman thingy.

imnotsayinthisjust2bnasty said:

I wouldn't say this because Prince has always been searching for answers. I think the song "The Ladder" exemplifies this.

buist said:

you haven't seen, or read, many Prince interviews have you? One of the many things i love about the man is his unapologetic cockiness and arrogance. He admits to his own arrogance on several songs, including the aptly titled "arrogance".

imnotsayinthisjust2bnasty said:

I know that he is arrogant, but not to the point you have of him regarding religion. Because it is obvious that he has always been searching for answers. And when you are searching for answers, you won't be so quick to say I'm right and everyone else is wrong.

I found the answer - it was the amazing Antwerpen soundcheck...that's all I need. Power through music!

imnotsayinthisjust2bnasty said:

A lot of people on this site have been making fun of it for a long time now, yet they were all up in arms when he made an innocuous joke about about atheists not too long ago, or I should say when that joke appeared on his web site. Just another example of many of Prince's fans being every bit as contradictory as they say he is.


º
[This message was edited Sat Apr 12 1:39:01 PDT 2003 by Supernova]

imnotsayinthisjust2bnasty said:

yes they would

imnotsayinthisjust2bnasty said:

It's my guess that one of the reasons for so many jokes are the contradictions of what's going on around us.

For example:
When i see the pictures and the story of Jessica Lynch, i am reminded of Prince's recent concert tour. He used that last name many times as an example to bring awareness to a certain situation in history. Even tho the JW's are against war, i hope that they can at least admire someone like Jessica who cares about her country. Her name is Lynch yet she stood proud in her duty to defend our freedom here at home. She was brave and showed courage for her beliefs.
We are at war. Many of our loved ones are there because of being brainwashed by the system. In our materialistic world, it is very important for most people to receive a good education. The majority are not born into wealth or a life of privilege but they are doing what they believe is right and good. It would be my guess that most of the young men and women who are serving our country are doing so for what they thought would be an exchange for a decent education. i see fine young men and women who are able to impose discipline on themselves for goals that they believe are honorable.
So i think that it is ironic that our new 'white female' national hero is named "Lynch." Because on one hand regardless of our backgrounds and experiences, we should follow the JW faith and the teachings of the Watchtower, shunning war. Where does this leave our loved ones? Although war is not something desirable, i still have to admire and give credit to those who volunteer to 'protect' others in the name of peace. True, it may not be the way to peace but this is what many in our armed services have been told to believe. Are these servicemen loved less by God if they are not JW's but are doing what they believe is right and good? Should they bother praying to God for protection and safety if they are not JW's?
Meanwhile, we are being asked to put our faith in the Watchtower, which has some controversial issues to say the least. imnotsayinthisjust2bnasty, I think this could be why some people make a big deal of Prince's beliefs. Because we are a diverse community here on the Org, there are many ways of looking at things. At times it feels like some of the jokes are being used as a wake up call or a reality check to the prevailing circumstances. It's hard for some fans to buy into what is being preached. Prince's old spirituality brought some closer to God. Now with his new spirituality, the God of his understanding seems to be a more selective God. That's a hard thing for some to swallow.
Today Jessica is coming home!!! For this i thank the God who loves us all.
[This message was edited Sat Apr 12 4:07:13 PDT 2003 by mzflash]
[This message was edited Sat Apr 12 15:30:11 PDT 2003 by mzflash]

This morning some JW's knocked on my door. I was in bed. My boyfriend opened the door. When we figured out who they were, I got to my knees and started servicing my man, at which point the two men and old lady at our door proceeded to drop one of their magazines and ran away.

So, in the spirit, let's get the name-calling started!



Jehovah's Witness Computer Viruses
Jehovah's Witness Virus: Keeps banging the head in your hard drive!

Jehovah's Witness Virus: Deletes all but 144000 select files.

Jehovah's Witness-Unitarian Virus: Opens up a LOT of Windows, but for no apparent reason.
I'm a Jehovah's Bystander. We's like the Witnesses, only we don't wanna get involved.
- Flip Wilson

While traveling near Tampa, Florida I passed the "Jehovah's Witness Assembly Hall" and was struck by the fact that that must be where they make them.
- Gene Spafford

What do you get when you cross a devil worshipper with a Jehovah's Witness?
Someone who goes from door to door telling people to go to hell.

What do you get when you cross a Mafia soldier with a Jehovah's Witness?
Lots of converts.

What does Hannibal Lector call a Jehovah's Witness? Free delivery!
- Jay Leno

I could never be a Jehovah's Witness... I didn't see the accident. As far as I know, Jehovah didn't hit anybody.
- Greg Taylor

My Avon lady just became a Jehovah's Witness. That may not mean much to you, but it saves me one more trip to the door.
- George Carlin

I saw justice in action today for the first time ever. I went out for breakfast this morning with my girlfriend, saw a Jehovah's Witness lock himself out of his own house. Kept ringing the bell.
- Lou Eisen

Do you know what it's like to have one already in the house?
- Julie Barr (comedian) about her sister, a JW

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Agnostic?
Someone who goes door to door for no apparent reason.

These Jehovah's Witnesses are sick of the 'turn the other cheek' way of spreading the word. Answer the door or else!

I'm a queer ex-Jehovah's Witness - and I won't knock on your door!"
- Jim Moon

Ask a Jehovah's Witness: If Jesus were in the hospital and needed an operation, could he get a blood transfusion from God?

I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them.
- Bruce Clark

Jehovah's Witness Puppies
A young boy was walking along the road with puppies in a wagon. He was walking by a Kingdom Hall where a district overseer stood outside on the grass. Curious, the district overseer asks "What kind of puppies are those?" In reply the boy said: " They're Jehovah's Witness puppies". The district overseer chuckled and the boy was on his way. The same boy walked by the kingdom hall once more and the district overseer this time was standing with some elders. The district overseer said "Watch this" and asked again "What kind of puppies are those?" The boy this time said "Love Puppies." The district overseer, shocked, said, "I thought you said they were Jehovah's Witness puppies." The boy said "Yeah, but today their eyes opened!"

Acronym for Jehovah's Witnesses: Jamming Every Halldoor Or Vestibule Aperture, Heavy Session With Interminable Theology Nutcase. Eventually Successfully Slam Entry Shut.
- Tony McCoy O'Grady

I am Jehovah's Witness of Borg. I will witness assimilation!

Why do mobsters hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
They hate all witnesses!

The Jehovah's Witness Anti-Trinitarian Bible
All verses to the Trinity have been edited to reflect the latest JW scholarship (dating from the early 1930's). Special features include a list of all failed prophecies and doctrinal loop-de-loops by JW leadership with plausible sounding but confusing explanations for each. Extra Special Feature: Witnessing "brownie points" calculator for door-to-door work.

Old Version: Armageddon will come while the generation of people who saw World War I are still alive.
"New Light": Nobody knows the day or the hour. Forget we ever mentioned the generation that saw World War I.
- C. J. Silverio

Newbie: What exactly is the "good news of the kingdom" for Witnesses? Is it like, everyone is forgiven for everything and God loves us, and stuff like that?
JW: Not exactly. Basically the good news is just for us - that we're not included in the 99.9% of the world's population who are going to be slaughtered for not submitting in every way to the organization.

Three Religious Truths
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Jehovah's Witnesses do not recognize each other at the porn shop.


Two Mormon missionaries were walking down the street when they ran into two Jehovah's Witnesses coming directly at them from the opposite direction. The elders stopped, and one of the Jehovah's Witnesses said, "We don't move for false witnesses."
One missionary said, "We do," and they went around them.





SCULLY: Uh, Virgil Nokes? I'm Agent Scully. This is Agent Mulder. We're with the FBI.
FARMER: Jehovah's Witness?
SCULLY: No, sir. Federal Bureau of Investigation.
MULDER: But we do have a free copy of "The Watchtower" for you if you'd like.
- from XFiles, episode Drive

Calvin: Exactly! I mean...who wears a suit in the Projects?
Juicy: Jehovah Witnesses?
Calvin: Them and the Bougie man!
- from The PJs, episode Cliffhangin' with Mr. Super

Marge: Last week, some Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door, and I wouldn't let them leave. They snuck away when I went into the kitchen to get more lemonade.
- from The Simpsons, episode Marge Gets a Job





A man went to a pet shop and purchased a parrot. Apparently, the parrot belonged to a Jehovah's Witness because it kept repeating, "Read the WATCHTOWER. Read the AWAKE. Read the Bible daily. SQUAWK. Jehovah is God."
Well, the new owner of the bird tried to keep long-playing recordings on all day, everyday, to help the parrot learn new words. Months went by and nothing happened. The parrot continued to "preach" to him with no changes in his vocabulary.
One day the owner became frustrated and infuriated and THREW the parrot across the room and it smashed against the wall and slid down to the floor. The parrot started squawking, "No blood! No Blood! No Blood!"





King James Version of the Bible: $20
Book of Mormon: $0, by request
Copy of the Koran: $30
Rosary: $10
Artificial Lamb's Blood for Pentagram: $5 a gallon
The horribly confused and scared look on the face of the next Jehovah's Witness who you open the door for: Priceless
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else, there's Mastercard. Accepted everywhere, including atheist and agnostic conventions.
- Another Bassoonist





Entering into Heaven/Paradise

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. The Archangel asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Methodist."
The Archangel looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish."
"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
The Archangel tells him, "Well, the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."









ARE CATS FOR CHRISTIANS?
Watchtower Society Logic at it's finest! Completely fiction, but shows how anything can be manipulated into WT reasoning. (note from VirusHead - actually, not completely fiction. See the non-joke version at a circuit overseer's page: http://www.angelfire.com/...r/cat.htm. I don't know who influenced who here...) Update: The overseer's page has been taken down...hmmm.

Many conscientious ones among Jehovah's people today have wondered if Christians should own cats. The issue is of life-or-death importance since to stumble a brother that Christ died for is tantamount to "putting a millstone around the neck and being thrown into the sea." Clearly our eternal salvation is involved. First let us consider what most scholars agree is the original Greek for the English word cat is felos domesticus meaning literally "a contemporary housecat with all of its beastly identifying characteristics and behavior." Clearly the Bible by using this kind of Original Greek shows beyond a doubt that the basic nature of cats is evil or "beastlike" much like Satan the "Original Serpent" and "the Great Dragon". There are numerous reasons why a Loyal Dedicated Servant of God should use their Bible-trained conscience to arrive at a proper understanding of why Cats are not for Christians. Consider the following facts with an open mind:
1) It was a common practice in ancient Egypt to worship cats as gods. As Christians we are to "guard ourselves from idols" and "worship no other gods". Such feline influence could lead to idolatry and thereby "grieve Jehovah's spirit" with tragic consequences.
2) Cats were most likely present at Herod's birthday party when John the Baptist was beheaded. Clearly then, as loyal Christians, why would we even want to associate with animals that are without a doubt of such bad influence remembering "bad associations spoil useful habits"? To invite cats in our house may result in the same grave consequences as suffered by John the Baptist. Clearly, God disapproved of this party. Should we not then disapprove of cats the way God does? Surely!
3) Throughout history, particularly in the middle ages and reaching its climax in the Salem Witch Trials of the 1600's, cats were recognized as carriers if not direct incarnates of demons. Since cats were associated with the devil could we as loyal and dedicated servants of God therefore associate with cats and thereby associate with Satan himself the "God of this system of things"? Would we want to be subject to such vile influence and possible demonic attacks? Surely not!
4) Nowhere in the Bible are any type of cats spoken of in favorable terms. In fact was it not lions of the first century who the Devil used to devour faithful Christians? God himself "Stopped up the mouths of lions" in Daniel's day. True, the small housecats of today are not lions, but being of the same cursed animal family used by the Devil on numerous occasions throughout history, would it be wise or appropriate to own one? In addition, by owning any type of cat, would we not give an appearance of condoning their evil deeds throughout recorded Bible and secular history. The Bible makes clear that God's people are "no part of the world" and that we are "not to share in the sins of others".
5) The scriptures clearly indicate that neither Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Job, the Apostles, or Jesus himself owned a cat. This was most likely because they didn't want to be like the Pagan contemporaries of their day who showed no regard for how God feels about owning cats. In harmony with the pattern set by the faithful prophets of old, surely it would not be fitting for a Christian today to own a cat.
6) Finally, cats are unclean animals. Some unclean practices indulged in by cats include coughing up furballs, licking inappropriate body areas, urinating on the floor, eating dead animals with their blood, sexual misconduct without the benefit of marriage, abuse of catnip, and stealing food from the table, just to name a few. Uncleanness is one of the "works of the flesh" condemned by the apostle Paul. The Bible clearly shows that "neither fornicators ...or thieves will not inherit the Kingdom". In addition Paul admonishes us to "quit mixing in company" with such unclean ones. Although the Apostle Paul was speaking primarily about Christians who fell into sin, there is no reason to conclude that this Inspired Biblical principle can not be applied to association with cats. Uncleanness is condemned by Jehovah and the fact that the Apostle Paul made no distinction when it came to associating with house cats proves beyond a doubt that Loyal Christians must avoid all association with such animals.
Are we not grateful for this new light coming from God's organization? Sister Catless tells us that since getting rid of her cat she has not had to be preoccupied with cleaning the litterbox and now has alot more time to go pioneering. Brother Bobcat puts it this way, "I'm so grateful that God freed me of the burden of owning a cat. I hope all of the brothers will realize how the devil uses cats to corrupt us and distract from the preaching work."(Matt 24:14) What fine examples of faithfulness! As loyal followers of Christ's thinking on this matter, we can rejoice in the fact that in the new system God will reward all of our efforts to maintain integrity by loyally submitting to the leading of his spirit through the "Faithful and discreet slave".
- Dave Buskirk


Are Cats For Christians? A Response!
For those of you who may have problems seeing the flaws in the logic above, which is key to why the article is humorous, here is a response that spells it out for you!

"While reading through http://www.virushead.net/jwhumor.html I came across the topic "Are cats for Christians?" I have some remarks about the argumentation used...
"First let us consider what most scholars agree is the original Greek for the English word cat is felos domesticus...". I don't know what the exact Greek word is, but 'domesticus' is a very Latin word, certainly not a Greek one. Furthermore, I don't believe there's ever made any mention of a cat in the Holy Bible, Old or New Testament. There are indeed several appearances of lions, but for them the Greek word "leoon" (lambda-epsilon-omega-nu) is used.
And then there's a consideration about whether Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Job, the Apostles, or Jesus himself owned a cat. No one says they did, but neither do they say they didn't. Absence of proof can not be hold for proof of absence.
Rather than a beast of Satan, isn't a cat more like Christ himself? A cat is said to have nine lives. Did not the Messiah arose from death on the third day? I'll leave it to you whether or not this makes a cat a divine animal...
And now for some biblical evidence Christians in fact should own cats...
Genesis 1:25 "And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good."
Genesis 1:28 "And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth."

If we stick to creationism (for the sake of the argument), we must conclude that cats, like all other animals, are created by God himself (Ge 1:25). We humans on the other hand, are meant to have dominion over them, as well as all others (Ge 1:28). What could be a better way to have dominion over cats than to keep them in our own gardens and houses, where we can control them best?" -Submitted by Thomas Corthals






How to Annoy and Confuse JWs, and
Maybe Even Get an "X" Marked over Your House
On the "Territory Map"
(The ones marked with an asterisk are mine. Feel free to take them, with a link to this site)
When they ask, "Can I talk to you about God?" Reply, "Sure, what would you like to know?"
Ask them for their address. When they ask why you want it, claim that you want to appear on their doorstop uninvited so that you can peddle your own beliefs.
For males only: While you're talking with them, start putting on lipstick... and remark that you have a hot date.
Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?"
Tell them you already have your own religion. When they ask what it is, wince a little before confessing, "er, I'm not sure if it's legal in this country."
A chalk outline of a human body on the pavement, and a few copies of "The Watchtower" scattered around...
Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the forty-two children.
Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts.
Say, "I'm sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We're not done with the virgin yet."
Pick an oft-repeated word in the "approved lexicon" and giggle or say "beep" whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones.
Go to a Kingdom Hall and put one of those "No Soliciting" signs on the door (or do as one woman did recently and show up at a public meeting to share the good news of your religion with them. *)
Every time they say "God," or the ever-popular "Jehovah-God," say "or Goddess." *
Tell them you know they mean well, but you believe in a "God of love and forgiveness." *
Wear an American Flag and start talking about how you're proud to be an American. *
Ask them what day the sun was created, since it is the source of light, the marker of days, the sun, and a star. *
Ask them how the "fruits of the spirit" are manifested by current news items regarding JWs (take your pick: protecting pedophiles, JWs who murder their families, etc. Check JW News for the latest.) *
Ask them who Cain married. *
Remark that the "new light" seems to be blinking a lot lately. *
Ask them why the Watchtower Society isn't based in Jerusalem, but in New York. *
Ask them about the recent "corporate restructuring" of the Watchtower Society. *
Ask them who owns their Kingdom Hall. *
Ask them to sit quietly and concentrate on their breathing. *
Ask them if independent thinking is still "against their religion" - "Awake!" indeed! *
Ask them if they think Jesus' feelings might be hurt when no-one partakes of the wine and bread at his memorial dinner. *
Or better yet, don't annoy and confuse them - just pretend you're not home! Any response from you is interpreted as an invitation.





Download jwtruecolors.wav 139 kb - A Jehovah's Witness shows her true colors (warning: profanity)





In a rural area in the USA where telephone party-lines are still in use, a "nosy neighbor" habitually would listen in on the conversation of one of Jehovah's Witnesses who had recently moved nearby. One day the Witness picked up the phone to make a call, heard her name spoken, and just couldn't resist listening in:

"...Well, no, Mabel, I can't really find any fault with her as a neighbor. In Fact, she came over to meet me soon after they moved in and brought some cookies. But they have some pret-ty strange ideas! What? Well, like, they mean to take over the government! What? No, she didn't EXACTLY tell ME that -- but I overheard her on the phone one day and she kept talking about what it would be like under the "New System"! Yes! -- even has a name for it -- calls it Theo- Theok - Theokracy, whatever THAT means.

How? by MOB ACTION, Mabel! Yes. She said that they are a "GREAT CROWD"! and listen: They're going to make their move real soon, cause she said someone named JEHOVAH is "speeding it up"! Do you think he might be their "Guru", or something?

And, Mabel -- they have an international Spy Ring going! No -- I'm not joking! It's a system they are just putting into operation -- developed it at their "Headquarters", she said, and it's called "NEPS"! And get this -- it's in 200 languages!

Well, here's how it works, Mabel:

First, the "check out a territory" -- Yes! They send in their very best workers! And they've even got code names -- "PIONEERS"! And she said they "spearhead the work"!

Well, these PIONEERS go and get their instructions every month. What? Well, I know because I heard her ask her friend if she had got her February "KM" yet. (I think it stands for Keep Mum!)

And Mabel, THEY KIDNAP PEOPLE WHO DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. No! They do so! I've heard her speak about "the Ransom" -- bold as you please, I don't know how many times!

Oh, I tell you, Mabel, these people are SMART! Why, they can read foreign languages! Yes, they can! She is always saying she read something or other in the "HEBREW" or "GREEK" scriptures. Fancy that!

And you know, they must make slaves out of the people who don't get ransomed. They must -- she refers to the "SLAVE CLASS" a lot. And this is something -- some are "Faithful Slaves", and then there are the "Evil Slaves" -- I figure they're probably the ones who won't work. Why? Because she was telling her friend about someone she said was INACTIVE for about a year! (It's a wonder they let them live, isn't it?)

What's that, Mabel? Oh, no, they get their money from their secular work -- they wouldn't stir up attention by making money off of their books and stuff. Yes, they are in all kinds of jobs. A few of them must run fabric shops, because she mentions a "REMNANT" quite a bit. And some raise sheep -- Yes, some have only a "LITTLE FLOCK" and some raise "OTHER SHEEP" -- but she didn't mention what breed they were. Then some of them are farmers, and get this Mable: She said that THEIR HARVEST IS GREAT! Now, you know how hard most of the farmers in this area have been hit by the drought this year -- Well, the Devil looks after his own, I always say! Now where was I?

Oh, yes! Some of them are even PUBLISHERS! You can imagine what sort of stuff THEY print! And I think her husband is a Doctor or some sort of medical man. What? No -- I'm not kidding. She said he had made several calls on some who were IRREGULAR -- and had very good results!"






100 Ways to Tell if You're a JW
Author Unknown
Source: http://clubs.yahoo.com/cl...switnesses Messages 913 - 917

001) If your reaction to someone wearing a Cross is the same as a vampire's, you might be a JW.
002) If you think demons can reduce their size to fit in jewelry, furniture, books, or into blue smurfs, you might be a JW.
003) If you equate the numbers 1 to 5 with hours on a time slip, you might be a JW (just not a very good one).
004) If you feel that death is much more important than birth, you might be a JW.
005) If you think that all R-rated movies are not worth seeing, you might be a JW.
006) If you think that all men with beards and long hair are not acceptable, you might be a JW.
007) If you think that Circuit Overseers do not receive a salary, you are a JW.
008) If you think Circuit and District Overseers stay in cheap hotels or the drafty homes of common neighborhood folk during conventions, you are a JW.
009) If you think Jesus hasn't accomplished much of anything for the past 86 years, you aren't the only JW who does.
010) If you think JW's are not a cult, you are a pitiful JW.
011) If you think the Watchtower is not capable of mind control, you are a JW.
012) If you think field service is other than working in the corn fields, you might be a JW.
013) If you think elders are other than elderly people, you might be a JW.
014) If the newspaper headlines read: "All humans on earth are smashed, and destroyed on Christmas day. Only JW's survive!!" and this would bring joy to your heart, you'd be a JW.
015) If you have constant pain in your right shoulder and can't unclasp your right hand, you probably have bookbagitis, a disease unique to JWs.
016) If you can't have a conversation with another human being without hearing a voice in your head saying, "CONVERT HIM OR DIE!", you are probably a JW.
017) If you are a male and sitting in a Kingdom Hall when a very good looking young lady comes in in a miniskirt, and your first thought is, "How immodest that sister is!" rather than, "Oh Thank God!", then most likely you are a JW.
018) If you eat turkey on Thanksgiving and feel guilty about it but insist that it is only because they were "on sale", you are a JW.
019) If you have costume parties for the "young ones" within a month of Halloween, and, if you wrap presents in brown paper to give each other on "Family Gift Day", you are not only a JW, but a Worldly Wannabe and aren't fooling anybody.
020) If you have awful dreams about getting caught holding someone else's cigarette and no one will believe you that it's not yours, you're probably a JW.
021) If you can't buy a pair of shoes without thinking about how comfortable they will need to be while walking down residential streets in 95 degree heat, then you're a JW.
022) If you just bought a dress that comes down to your mid calf that has puffy sleeves, a collar that button to your chin and lace trim, then you are a JW with a part on an Assembly. You might even be thinking about wearing makeup for the occasion.
023) If you have a child that is 3 years old that sits quietly for hours at a time while adults discuss mind numbingly boring topics around him, and you brag about him to all your friends... you might as well get a saddle for him and ride him because you broke his spirit and he is no longer a child. And you might be a Jehovah's Witness.
024) If you allow an organization to take the place of Christ, you are most likely a JW.
025) If you think of an ark as an organization, you must be a JW.
026) If you believe that God ignored everyone for nearly 2,000 years, then suddenly gave His truth to a man who sat around drawing pictures and plans of pyramids, you must be a JW.
027) If you can't pick up a book, or anything else to read, without picking up something to underline with also, you might be a JW.
028) If you insist in calling the New Testament the Greek Scriptures, you might be a JW.
029) If you treat all people wearing crosses like they're idiots, you might be a JW.
030) If you have a tendency to justify lying, cheating and stealing if you do it yourself, you might be a JW.
031) If when you drive by a church building you suddenly feel all smug and superior, you might be a JW.
032) If when you drive by a Kingdom Hall you suddenly feel all warm and fuzzy, you might be a JW or drunk, or both.
033) If you feel you have a great wealth of Bible knowledge, you might be a JW.
034) If you're sure your neighbors are all conspiring against you, you might be a JW.
035) If you've spent days at a baseball stadium and never saw a ball and didn't even have a beer, you might be a JW.
036) If you possess the ability to sing loudly and proudly even if you're tone deaf, you might be a JW.
037) If the only verse you can quote from memory is Psalms 83:18, you might be a JW.
038) If you're afraid of someone seeing you with a beer in your hand, you might be a JW.
039) If you're always afraid someone might see and hear you when you're finally just being "normal", you might be a JW.
040) If most of the songs you sing have numbers for titles, you might be a JW.
041) If the first names of most of your best friends are either "brother" or "sister", you might be a JW.
042) If you've never watched Friends or Sienfeld, you might be a JW.
043) If your church is a "hall" and a sermon is a "public talk", you might be a JW.
044) If you wash cars or windows for a living but still own five suits, you might be a JW.
045) If you've never worn comfortable clothes in your life, you might have been a JW, from birth.
046) If you can have a Bible study without a Bible, you might be a JW.
047) If you're 25 years old and have never kissed anyone but your mom, you might be a JW.
048) If you go to New York for the weekend and spend the whole day in a publishing factory in Brooklyn, you might be a JW.
049) If the words "New Light" do not remind you of the hardware section at K-Mart, you might be a JW.
050) If you think morning coffee break is a perfect time to preach to someone, you may be a JW.
051) If you think that service to God can be measured in hours, you might be a JW.
052) If you think men are superior to women, you may be a JW.
053) If you think sex is a yucky thing you must endure, you may be a female JW.
054) If you think you're entitled to having sex regardless of what you wife: thinks, says, or how she feels, you might be a male JW.
055) If you think it's unfaithful to God to get an education or get a good paying job, you might be a JW.
056) If you check the Watchtower Index every time you have a question about anything, you might be a JW.
057) If you find out your co-worker's mother died, and your first thought is not, "Oh, how awful", but, "This is a great opportunity to talk about the Kingdom!"... you might be a JW.
058) If you think a Buick is a spiritually superior automobile...you might be a JW (Or you might be right)
059) If the thought of entering a Christian Book Store sends shivers up and down your spine, you might be a JW.
060) If you expect to receive Christmas presents but not to give them, you might be a JW.
061) If hearing the term "Governing Body" causes you to become awestruck, you might be a JW.
062) If you think the term "pioneer" refers to someone other than Davey Crockett, you might be a JW.
063) If you think of window washing as a career move, you might be a JW.
064) If you think attending 5 meetings a week is a delightful spiritual experience, you might be a JW.
065) If you think Santa is another word for Satan and the elves are demons, you might be a JW.
066) -lost-
067) If you feel weak in the knees when you hear the term "apostate", you might be a JW.
068) If you think your "mother" lives in New York City, you might be a JW.
069) If you think all four door vehicles are "witness wagons", you might be a JW.
070) If you feel guilty for having natural desires, you might be a JW.
071) If you think 1914 is the year to end all years, you might be a JW.
072) If you think YOU conjectured the year 1975 (as the year the end would come, instead of the Society), you might be a JW.
073) If your closet if full of cheap polyester suits, you might be a JW.
074) If you never owned a Christmas tree, you might be a JW.
075) If you think the sound of a door slamming shut is Christian persecution, you might be a JW.
076) -lost-
077) -lost-
078) If you think Russell, Rutherford, and Franz are gods in heaven, you might be a JW.
079) If you have a tendency to refer to books by color instead of by title...You might be a JW.
080) If you read all these, and didn't allow yourself to laugh... you're definitely a JW.
081) If you hear "Along the Watchtower" by Jimi Hendrix or "Walk of Life" by Dire Straits and you feel spiritually refreshed, you might be a JW.
082) If you think the New World Translation is the least biased and most accurate translation, you might be a JW.
083) If you think it took 1,935 years to get 144,000 true Christians, you might be a JW.
084) If you think 1799 is the start of the last days, 1874 is when Christ returned, and 1914 is the conclusion of Armageddon, you might be a very old, disfellowshipped JW.
085) If you think "The Finished Mystery" which was released in 1917 was "meat in due season", you might be a JW who has never read the book.
086) If you think the "Should You Believe in the Trinity" brochure is nothing but honest and accurate information, you might be a JW.
087) If you think the destruction of Jerusalem occurring in 607 BCE is soundly supported by historical evidence, you might be a JW.
088) If you think "Jehovah" was in the original writings of the New Testament, you might be a JW.
089) If the Bible makes a statement and the Watchtower says, "Logically, this cannot mean what it says" and you believe the Watchtower is correct, you might be a JW.
090) If you view cleaning up a messy backyard as practice for working in the New Order, you might be a JW.
091) If Gospel music makes you cringe, but secular music makes you feel good, you might be a JW.
092) If you believe there was a Governing Body before 1971, you might be a JW.
093) If you watch "Oprah" and you see the people who pass the microphones and it reminds you of a meeting, you might be a JW.
094) If you believe that New Light that becomes Old Light and then becomes New Light again is God's way of doing things, you might be a JW.
095) If you think the Watchtower was preaching the truth in the years 1914-1919, you are definitely a JW.
096) If you go to "Home Depot" and go down the aisle where the doors for homes are displayed, and you feel the urge to knock on them, you might be a JW.
097) If the "ding-dong" sound on the Avon commercials gets you excited, you might be a JW.
098) If going to 7-11 is something to look forward to, you might be a JW in field service.
099) If you have no construction skills and you still go to all the nearby quick-build Kingdom Hall projects, you might be a JW trying to get out of field service.
100) If the Watchtower Society used to preach a certain teaching years ago and you deny they ever did, you are a good JW.
Links to Great JW Humor
JW Urban Lore/Legends - Having a few little problems? Burn your demon-possessed household objects! A collection of amazingly supersitious insider lore.

Waiting for Armageddon - Jehovahs Witnesses are waiting for Armageddon, and this is what occupies their time while they wait! Hilarious.

The Truth (as I seen it), by Gary Busselman - Very funny!

JW Okies - When God decided to spiritualize the judgment upon the wicked at Armageddon, and to plague them with cults instead, he forgot to tell a few Jehovah's Witnesses in the backwoods of Oklahoma. They still take him literally! This is the story of those whom He is using to plague the wicked. As papa would say, "half of us are here to test the other half."

HOW TO GET RID OF JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES

1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry. (immediate results)

2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of charity lasts.

3. Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.

4. Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.

5. Excuse yourself from your sitting room (or wherever) ...and don't come back.

6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls. (booky, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearfull confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)

7. Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.

8. Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.

9. (males only) Feign an intense interest in their speil. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosery, a dress, the whole works. (make encouraging noises [uh huh, I see...] throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7) If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.

10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.


http://www.geocities.com/...barbiedoll

Well if he'd become Jewish then he would have been known as:



The Chinese Checkerboard Formerly Known As Prince

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Christmas; Jews don't celebrate Christmas.
JW's don't go to church; Jews don't go to church.
JW's headquarters is in New York, the Jews' headquarters is in...Jerusa...New York...
What's the difference?

One Jew, 7 opinions...

mistermcgee said:

Yeah, and there wouldn't have been any Friday Night Parties because he would have been down the synagogue seeing in the Sabbath.

Shabbat Shalom!

buist said:

This a very good observation, buist.
The fact that he was searching and continues searching the scriptures
really shows humility in this area.
People often say witnesses are arrogant, but it takes humility to walk the
way Jesus instructed.
It takes humility to stand up for the Bible in times like these, but it also takes courage.
Melody

Standing up for God, for example, means Prince is standing up for himself. I don't mean to say Prince believes he is God but rather he is searching for answers to why things are the way they are with himself, and those around him. Of course, this is a healthy search.

Perhaps, certain Western religions can only viewed as dangerous in that they seem to seek, allow and condone the search of truths outside of oneself? In other words, the following of what is considered a higher power and the laying down of the law in terms of what is good and bad, what is right and wrong. I don't subscribe to this philosophy because I don't believe there is such a thing as right or wrong. What is considered acceptable and what is not, is often ruled by a collective consciousness, something that I imagine is what society deems moral and ethical at the time.

Whilst there are many benefits from faith in Western religions, I think one of its distractions can be that people don't 'truly' work on their inner-selves. Without an understanding of oneself, people following religion often cannot see that they are only a reflection of what they have collected evidence for. Whatever you want to believe in, there will always be evidence that supports and propagates your faith. That doesn't mean it's necessarily true...

Supernova said:

Always on point, Nova

MakeMeWannaHoller said:

When "Jehovah's Witnesses" became a household word and when people began to laugh at JW jokes,
especially those of well known comedians, we knew our work was being accomplished.

When people make fun of JWs, it at shows wide recognition because people don't make jokes about
something of which the audience would have no knowledge.

The first time I heard a witness joke on a TV program, I laughed and laughed!
It was funny!

Most jokes (although it is not the intent of the jokester) show respect for witnesses,
like the one above.
People know how we feel about certain conduct.
I am sure we are not the only ones who would leave such a scene in a hurry,
but the idea that a householder would be inclined to do such...knowing a witness-reaction is cool.
Melody

SensualMelody said:

It would take even more courage and humility to stand up for the Bible in a Kingdom Hall and boldly admit and proclaim that Jesus is the Alpha and Omega(Rev. 1 and 22). That he is YHWH manifest in the flesh. That Jesus takes the divine name(tetragrammaton), EGO EIMI/YHWH and applies it to himself. That this one, born of woman, would be called The Son of God, and is indeed Emmanuel, God with us. To admit the Greek of John 1:1, as, God was the Word[, and not refer to him as "a god".
That this is the Gospel(good news) of the Kingdom, not a Satanic pagan concept propagated by "Babylon The Great"(all other Christians).

Anji said:

wait, wait, wait a minute...

Is this the same person who started the thread,
"State your all-time favorite Prince album,
and be judged..."???

:p

MrBliss said:

---

No, people would not. No one gets away with making jokes about the Jewish faith in the good old USA. Let's not live in a fantasy world.

mistermcgee said:

***

What you wrote is a matter of doctrinal opinion, not fact.

You are entitled to your view or interpretation, as Jehovah's Witnesses are entitled to theirs.

Jehovah's Witnesses base their faith closely on the Bible and the Scriptures are used as the basis of their way of life.

I have researched and studied with many faiths and out of them all I found Jehovah's Witnesses to be the most Christian in terms of behaviour and the one's who most readily applied biblical principles 24/7.

This is why I choose to associate with them.

Mr7 said:

Your response here concerning Jehovah's Witnesses basing their faith closely on the Bible and using the Scriptures as the basis for their way of life would also be a matter of doctrinal opinion.
In regards to Jehovah's Witnesses being the most Christian in terms of behavior and the one's who most readily apply biblical principles 24/7, you obviously haven't read:
Crisis of Conscience by Raymond Franz(former member of the governing body of Jehovah's Witnesses).
The organization has a well documented history of NOT being the most Christian in terms of behavior and of NOT applying biblical principles 24/7.
Associating with them is indeed your choice.

SensualMelody said:

...
I AM GOING TO EAT ALL OF YOUR BABIES!

WatchThemFall said:

Sorry...not having any...have to look elsewhere for your supper!...

mistermcgee said:

Whatever you believe, be happy!
That's what I'm talking about.
I love what I'm doing, don't you love what you're doing?
That's why I can not get upset with your views, nor do I feel any need to "correct" anything you say.
Enjoy your beliefs. Once again I say "Enjoy!"
Melody

Mr7 said:

And I am so happy you did Mr7.
My life is even better since we met.
What wonderful friends we have become.
We have become joined together at the heart.
Foreverlove, Brother.