"Yeah? Like the Beatles?" Prince replied with a look of mischief on his ironed face.

"I can help you but first you have to promise me one thing. You have to take the CAKE test".

Obama watched quizzically as he was presented a plate of cakes by the now barefooted Prince.

"Oh yeah?" Said the little man, "If I gave it to ya what would ya do with it?"

Obama started rocking to and fro, with his eyebrows twitching he reached out tentatively toward the CAKES.

He gritted his teeth, clenched his buttcheeks as tight as he could and he pointed to the...

the window.

"Isn't that Hilary Clinton?" Prince asked

"Where? She's suppose to be in..." The Prez looked back at Prince, his mouth was covered with crumbs and icing and the tray contained only empty wrappers.

"U passed my friend, now for the second test. A secret service man tossed him a basketball.

"Lets go one on one, Shirts vs kimonos!"

The game was fierce and ended in a tie 60 -60 with both heaving and sweating.

OK, U passed again let's go to the White House for pancakes, I have a proposal for you." The Prez said as the secret service dabbed his brow.

"Ur nice and all, but ur already married."

"Ha that's amusing!" As the limo sped off, President Obama handed Prince a folder stamped ' For Eyes Only'.

Inside Prince saw...

a microchip ..

"what's this" declared prince

"it's for you neck ... what, did u think seeing god was some kind of mind altering trick by haarp? .. its the apocalypse mutha fucka!" declared osamabama "everything is according to plan .. you have done your duty shilling materialistic and hedonistic messages to your loyal sheep in the name of god .. you have fed the class war .. you have lowered the expectations of your once intelligent fan base and helped to comatize their natural instinct to rebel against all falsities .. they would rather obsess over your feet than pay attention while we remove their human rights .. oppress their own ambitions and force them to serve our agenda of depopulation and slave labor to build our underground bases and a few privately owned star ships ... besides .. oprah really likes ur hits"

prince knew what he had to do ... "ooowww" he squealed ..

he hopped on his purple motorcycle and drove down to paisly park .. there were all his fans .. they thought he had died in the apocolypse and were mourning him .. faintly then louder thru the crowd .. "is that sheila e?" no no .. "is that wendy?" no no .. "i think i saw adam ant" no no .. "it can't be, it's impossible but it is .. its him .. its PRINCE ..

"dearly beloved" prince spoke and his words bounced off the hills .. as the crowd cheers rose to a deafening sound the earth started to rumble .. "everything makes sense when u think in terms of vibrations" prince said "huh" said the crowd ....

"vibrator" a female voice spoke .. "makes me feel so good"

"eat your heart out" spoke prince with a coy smile .. the crowd erupted again as the music came on thumpin into a 3 way duet betwixt vanity prince and the crowd ...

meanwhile .. obamas human form was losing its hold and the green lizard skin like saliva before a a meal was beginning to show in anticipation of returning home underground to prepare for gods wrath ..

"if we can just vibrate together" prince yelled "if we can find the right vibrations" the crowd screamed "we can open the portal and escape this mortal coil" the crowd went "huh" and then screamed some more ..

"wendy"

"yes lisa"

"is the stargate water warm enough?"

"yes lisa"

"shall we begin?" ....

Before they could begin, some THING came thru the stargate.

Everyone was frozen with fear, everyone except Prince.

Prince now dressed in a monochrome zippered pantsuit approached it and....

picked up his guitar and did a solo none his fans have ever heard before....

The THING listen and then made an expression everyone hoped was a smile.

<GOOOD GRAVY LITTLE MAN YOU DID IT! OUR QUEEN WILL BE PLEASED WITH YOUR MUSICAL TRIBUTE! HERE IS YOUR MAGICAL SOCK BACK.>

The telepathtic message was hear by all.

Prince took back the match for the sock he donated to Free the Slaves, its 'aroma' was pungent to humans, but of high value for it's unique olfactory pleasing qualities to the Fonkies of Galaxy 7.

"I have recorded the tribute on the device you gave me as agreed.", said Prince as he handed over a Sony cassette tape recorder to the queen's representative.

<Now Great Minstrel what may I do for you?>

Prince was so glad he asked....

"not so fast my purple raisonette" said the thing which cannot be named

"look it was one motor cycle scene in a mildly popular movie .. even u are going to dog me like that?" said prince almost in tears yet somewhat amused and attracted to the thing which cannot be named

"i give you all the world, food that grows, water that springs from the earth, sunny days rainy nights, raspbery berets and ice cream castles, sex love music and truth" said the thing which cannot be named "and you, you glorify money, oppression and women as tho they are things ... your kind .. humans .. they destroy the world .. destroy the water .. destroy the air .. destroy each other .. all for this material wealth that you brag about .. you are nothing prince .. nothing but my creation .. when u were a child .. before you 'learned' the ways of the selfish .. you were a voice of all that is and cannot be named .. now u are a voice of all that exists to destroy humanity .. this .. this is why we have summoned you here at the end of the world .. to show the world .. how we give you all you need and it is good and beautiful and purple .. but your choices .. this is what u turn into .. selfish materialistic hedonistic hypocrit grasping to that which matters not .. afraid of the truth .. and now for the world to see .. you shall be cast down by me .. that which cannot be named .. as a lesson to all those who may follow .. as a reminder .. as an example"

prince at that moment shit his drawers .. as did most of his purple panty wearing whores that still worshiped his words ..

it began to rain

prince took off his clothes .. now completely nude ...

"wait" said prince "what if i can prove to you humanity is worth sparing?"

the droves of people behind prince had shed their clothes and fallen to their knees sobbing for mercy

the thing that cannot be named laughed .. "u humans will do anything and i mean anything when your back is to the wall .. slimy little worms all of you .. caught red handed in your selfish gluttony .. always fake .. always ready to adopt a new fake persona .. u think you can fool me? .. i laugh at your ego .. i laugh that you think you can cheat death .. cheat eternity .. cheat the truth .. eveyday your quest for more and more .. you pay people to murder .. you pay people to torture and enslave .. you support all of this with your greed and your 'lifestyle' .. you think you are not guilty but you are and now you must learn"

prince stood up .. spread his arms and faced the thing that cannot be named

"if i live" proclaimed prince "i will live for the truth as u have spoken it to be ... if i die .. i die for all that is evil in the hearts of those who follow me"

and with that ...

The Thing from the Fonkies of Galaxy 7 was satisfied.

< YOU HUMANS HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO...BUT YOU DEMOSTRATE PROGRESS WITH THE WILLINGNESS FOR SELF SACRIFICE.>

Prince shivered, it was freaking cold in there that his nipples could cut glass.

The wise Thing raised an arm as he backed toward the stargate.

<AS ALWAYS IN PARTING, WE WISH YOU LOVE, PEACE, AND SOUL!>

SWOOSH!

The stargate closed after the Fonkie.

Prince relieved, look around the room at all the naked people.

Now Prince thought....

Now Prince thought....

These people need some exercise.

"Ok everyone, time to firm up! Twenty jumping jacks go!!"

The crowd, "ONE, TWO , THREE, FOUR....TWENTY"

Next ordered squat jumps.

Stuff jingled, jumped and slapped all over the room, every sweat except one beauty uneffected. It was....

It was....

The 12th of the 12th of the 12th. Even the Americans writing it backwards couldn't mess up the date. It was time, the time had come and Prince knew it. This wasn't the black and white revolution, this one would be colourised.

Prince leapt in and out of his purple flight-case. Flushed and all of a fluster. The voices in his mind were back with a vengeance.

"Traffic he finds. With you shall he be... Alphabet st. he turns"...

The voice was so clear, no smack in it's brains. The dulcet tones of a desolate true funk soldier cab-shout. Prince had heard it before. The tin foil hats weren't doing the work for the perfunctory pedantic purple-plasma pouter. The penny had dropped. Proper perpendicular. Radio waves, yet again. He had to go mad. Men were calling him crazy, Ladies called "Electric hammed".

It was 2:45 as usual. That, or a quarter to twelve. Depending on your time zones and which socks you had handy. He had to get a grip. Concentrating hard he tried to think straight up, not in Ws. A couple of Kerplunkenfartzens wouldn't go amiss, the lucky lucky things... Amiss... The lucky, lucky things. Pure and gentle, all but mental, starry starry night, paint the sides of my toes, all but the little ones. Don't shave me, I'm over fifty and I wheeze.

Prince was waxing lyrical, uncontrollably. Forcin the jam, tryin to fake the funk. He didn't want it. Not even in the worst way. Walking down the halls he began to howl. The drums in his head began to pound. Prince sang his little heart out. "Ahoowah Assbad. Ahoowah, That's bad... Again and again, over and over, brown Rover 3500?

So many ideas... "I'll tour and come on stage in a Rover" he thought, "No, a milk float... Yeah", so many ideas. Accurate knowledge of mice in their garters, that's what he needed. "Tell me who in this house near an over yonder? ... "Who is that mouse make me wanna fondler?"

He'd really lost it this time.

Now was not the time for slings and arrows. No scrabblements would darken his fingyplenty, not by the hairs of the chinny chin chin. Up shot his ectoplasm, P went into spasm. Carefully stroking his dashboard he put on his favourite clackle bumpher, cleared his marmaduke and guffedaplenty.

"Thou know’st the mask of slave twas on my face,

Else would I lick you dressed in lace,

For that which thou hast heard me spank tonight.

Fain would I dwell on forums.

Fain, fain deny What I have spoke? But farewell compliments!

Dost thou play me? I know thou wilt say “aye” And I will take thy word. I'm like that some o tha tynes.

Yet if thou swear’st, I wilt name thou numptuss and snippy snip thou snippies and ye shalt be sockless.

Thou mayst prove clacky unto framplequackers. At lovesexiers' perjuries".

Behind him stood Apples, she was still looking tidy. With a pirouette he span around. "If I was anything else I'd be the giggles in your laugh darling" he chirped, swinging the mood in a whip of a whisker. He picked at his guitar, teasing the strings... "We in 'A' children" ... Oh fuck. He was gonna do it?

He had his mind made up, oh to get a.....

... high score on Ms. Pac-Man! He went looking for an arcade machine, but Apples was having none of it. She was not in the mood for playing games, as she had just seen...

Santa Claus.

She ran after him calling his name. She nearly tripped every other step in her four inch heels. The jolly old elf turn and smiled at her, and invited her to sit on his lap.

'Santa all I want for christmas is A CAREER!', She exclaimed hopefully.

Santa thought for a moment and said...

...'that's all mellow yellow, my lil canary,

just sign your name on the dotted line

but know it's not jelly, it never is...'

before Apples could put pen to paper

the air filled with sulphurous fumes

'damnnn chile, whatchu been drinkin?

you'd better lay off that coffin varnish or sumtin'

Prince guffawed, 'oh lawd Apples,

are you channelling some kinda demon?

a salty voice thundered 'it's not her, you lil fool'

'Satan, is that you?...', Prince whimpered.

'no Prince, you're barking up on the wrong riff

it's me...

[Edited 12/14/12 18:50pm]

Dick Cheney.

Prince took a defensive fighting stance, "What evil are you seeking to spread this time?"

A cloud of smoke rose and Cheney pointed toward....

...the thick smoke and from the fonky fumes

a benevolent voice spoke to Prince

'you must have got your glasses on, P

no evil here, it's me...

Sherman Hemsley's ghost.

Dem kick up anna fuss an fight. Lettuce see. Just lettuce see. Let dem man come follow me, sane? Why dem shoes so wet up? Life's a little better with a pair o good shoes but kyan him play de flute? Kyan him sing? Lettuce watch him likkle song. Sane. And it was sane. All was reet. Everyone settled to watch a short film.

Prince ruffled his pantry dongle all of a quickle. He hopped into his white rad Sinclair C5 and shot off towards the pumperfunkle turnpike. In next to no time he needed a crump. As he stopped by the side of an old dirt track he trumpled his backshot and squizzled.

"I need a submarine", he thought to himself, for 67 minutes... "Frakking tap water flames don't burn it up, I can and I will"...

He curled up his tootens as tight as he could before purple-plunging himself into the depths of...

...the icy future without trepidation

'and it will be', Prince was low aquacious,

'lettuce all meet at the place where time squares

and all will be reet, my purple people

just...

...As long as we're together everything's alreet pet.

Everything in the garden was warm, Just...

...As soon as everybody put on their cool clothes and Party toes.

"We gotta long way to go but I think I'm getting the gush" said Prince, purple perplexed. This wasn't a good time to be referencing past works of art, cheapening them like a lyrical imposter and certainly not the time to be getting the gush.

"I'm gonna bust" He squealed convincingly. He'd heard the stories on the road. All that stuff about poor Dean Dorcey. He'd seen that clip that had done the rounds too. He knew all about the 'Golden Age' from those dodgy '70s pornos. Maybe it was time for winkle-bobbles and interactive versions of 'Golden Rain' on stage? Maybe, just maybe, now was the time for him to do the Cream-scene circuit?

Prince went into the vault looking for everything he had on 'The Gush' and he practiced his snot shot...

He knew what needed to be done and just where to do it. He would be the driver and with a maggot and a screw he reached for the purple...

[Edited by theevilones 12/17/12 18:35pm]

[Edited 12/18/12 9:06am]

...postmodern dirty mindset

Prince was loquacious again, loose screw and all,

'no harm in a different stroke', bared P paws or not

'but i guess not for some folks', Prince muttered,

Prince proceeded, 'yet bare yo mind what is,

does not equal how you C,

so people if we live after, let's come together

in the garden, reet now, over P...

[Edited 12/19/12 10:50am]

Perfect porridge with pecans and pinenuts.

This one is too hot, overtly sexual.

This one is too cold. methodical and mechnical

This one is just right!

Prince positively did not want another loney Christmas,

Prince didn't want to...

[Edited 12/20/12 18:29pm]

...to be like...

http://www.youtube.com/wa...o8HM77q4Is

Just then his neon telephone rang. Relieved at the distraction, he answered. ‘Speak’. ‘Prince it’s Carmen Electra’ came the reply. The Purple One was astounded. ‘I hate u’ he told the disembodied voice. He was about to hang up when he heard ‘Prince, the future hangs on u. U must listen. I have information. We must meet’. His curiosity aroused, the Purple One agreed to meet with his former ‘protege’. ‘Where shall we convene?’ he asked. ‘Under the Cherry Moon’ came the reply. The Purple One raised his eyes to the heavens, only to notice that the sky was all purple. He looked around. There were people running everywhere. ‘Time to gett off’ he thought to himself. ‘U come to me, my talentless one’ he purred into the phone. ‘I will be at Graffiti Bridge’. ‘Where’s that?’ asked a perplexed Carmen. ‘It’s just around the corner’. ‘No’ Carmen insisted, come to my hotel. Room 319. Getting annoyed now and determined not to back down Prince replied ‘no, u come to mine. Room 3121.’
‘Why are you so arrogant??’ demanded Carmen. At that Tony M appeared, as if from a hole in the ground and began to (c)rap.
‘Time to Gett off’ Prince thought to himself (again). Seeing a Lady Cab Driver, he waved her down and jumped in. ‘Take me with u’, he urged her breathlessly. ‘I dunno where I’m going, but I sho know where I been’ came the reply. ‘Uptown - now’ Prince demanded. ‘Anywhere in particular?’ ‘Alphabet Street’.
Just then his phone rang again. It was....

a Nigerian Prince.

The African wanted to know why he hadn't sent the personal information he requested in his email. Prince suggested that the Nigerian Prince send Prince his banking information and he would be enrolled in the new NPG Music Club and.....the call went dead.

Prince proceeded....

towards Alphabet Street and his destiny, all the while wondering why that Nigerian Prince had tried contacting him by email.....didn't that cat know he'd decreed the internet dead? That meant the internet was dead didn't it!!??? Why would anyone try using email, then, as a form of communication? Fools! Bemused, he decided to letitgo. The Lady Cab Driver turned to Prince and said, 'here we are. Alphabet Street, it's just ahead there, past the Holy River.' 'Shhh' warned Prince as he heard....

Carmen calling his name.
Prince rolled his window down as a light rain began falling. It wasn't a purple rain, it was a periwinkle drizzle at best.

'Prince', Carmen said, 'My new boyfriend has a great idea for you!"

'Whose your BF now, Carmen? Some flounder with a fan club?'

'No! its Simon Cowell, don't you keep up with the news?'

Simon appeared. He walked over to Carmen and said....

[Edited 12/21/12 21:26pm]

"You're utterly talentless. Devoid of any semblance of content. You have nothing, while I have it all. With a little PR I can make you a big star."

Simon lowered his trousers in preparation. All the way down to just above his nipples. "There, that's better" he started to say but was stopped as a snipers bullet hit him clean on the forehead. It blew his brains out with a daddypop. He didn't even give the crowd a 'back and to the left' as a grand finale. People were about to panic and cause mayhem but they couldn't be arsed so carried on regardless.

Prince rolled past in his white rad ride, oblivious to it all. He'd been looking in his kaleidoscope and had missed the whole scene. "This is where it is" he was muttering. "I could put a hole in this sucker, keep my tadger warm". In his dirty minds' eye he could see the future. If he poked a hole in the bottom and slipped his purple wonder in he could spin all kinds of funky patterns. He'd release the odd snippet then maybe an album, let the people see his kaleidoscope corey in all it's glory. He could put it on his guitar too. He'd call it the minge-axe split-arse. People would adore it.

Up ahead, strollin, was a lonely figure. Hitching lifts in the rain and periwinkle drizzle while holding a flickering candle. Prince had the time and the ride so decided to stop and break it down. He didn't want anyone to hear the sound but this ride, or private affair could interrupt the flow so he'd better not dare?

He pulled into the side of the road just ahead of the hitcher and waited. He had a quick slow jam sandwich and sat for a while. Staring into the rear-view mirror Prince started to hum and sing along with the sounds of the wipers and the indicator. The rain on the roof was battering out a rhythym when there was a tap on the window, out of time.

It was...

[Edited by Santas butt naked elf, (The Rainbow Child)25th/Christmas/12 20 past TurkeySprouts pmsl]

[Edited 12/25/12 7:49am]

Adele, with big hair and a even bigger umbrella.

"Prince rumor has it....