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... Was a big day and he'd written a song for the occasion. Couldn't get the riff out of his head for days but all he had for lyrics were "A ramma lamma ding dong". If Mitt got the call he was gonna make a mess of things. It was never gonna sound right. Obama ramma lamma just sounded better.
God was none too happy. All these fools running around pretending anyone was really gonna count their votes honestly. Why weren't the people listening?
"You", came a voice from up high. "You", there was a crumping sound.
"Im sorry" said Prince.
"I'll be good, this time I promise"... It was obvious he'd shat himself. Wearing those lace backed Purple Rain trousers hadn't been a good idea. It was plain as day for everyone to see. He was never gonna hide it. Nestled in around his butt cheeks were a couple of well shaped purple nuggets. Healthy little vegetarian buggers by the look of them and they were steaming.
"I know I said I'd be good but they dig it when I'm bad" he said. Sly and Bootsy were scuttling around in circles making that funky face at each other. By the look of it, they could smell it too. They could smell somethin naaaaaaasssty. Wendy was loving it though and with a quick flick of her hair she put on that Elvis snarl of hers and started strumming.
"You dirty little slut, you can't do that here" screamed Lisa, rushing to stop Wendys' now frantic fingers before she got to her vinegar stroke. "There's a time and place for that shit girl, put your stinky burger away for fuck sake, you've stunk the place right out" Lisa was really mad. Eric Leeds started jammin with what looked like Miles Davis, sounded like the old Miles too. Candy, armed with an industrial sized air freshener was soaking everyone in droplets from a lavender spray. Lucky the horn section showed up really.
Prince started rocking to and fro. He had his head back and was looking to the skies, both arms outstretched. He was turning it into the wooden leg, which seemed appropriate, given the amount of purple marbles he had rattling around in his trousers. "Too funky" he was mumbling and he wasn't bloody kidding. Sheila started hitting the snare. Stood back about 20 yards to the side of Prince was Phillys Nelson. She was beckoning him towards the gap in her teeth mouthing "Move closer" to him...
Prince had to get out of there. He flipped out his Neon No-telephone and started tapping out a number. Who do ya call at a time like this? What time is it? What's my name? How come you don't call me anymore? So many purple questions of u started flashing through his purple perplexicator.
They'd just recorded the album to beat all albums and now he'd found himself in a lonely room with no light and cack in his pants doing the 100ms wooden leg.
It was gonna be just fine. There were still the out-takes to sort out. A rehearsal setlist, rehearsals, soundchecks for rehearsals, recording sessions of the soundchecks of the rehearsals. It was gonna be just fine if he could just get outta there and muck out his trousers... Who was he gonna call?
Suddenly, there was an answer on the phone. On the end of the line it was...
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Jesse Johnson. Jesse answered "there better be a good damn reason someone is ringing my damn phone at 3am".
Prince said: "Umm is Chantel there?"
Jesse: "WTF? Who the hell wants to know"?
Prince: "Her fairy godfather".
Jesse: "Umm okay (whispering)...does her fairy godfather possibly have any gigs available?"
Prince: "Oh well that depends. Do you have the answer?"
Jesse: "The answer toooo what?"
Prince: "To the purple caged barn".
Jesse: "Is that a new venue or some shit?" (grabs his iPad to look it up)
Prince: "It's just around the corner."
Jesse: "Really? Which corner...the only thing around my corner is Starbucks." Then Jesse starts thinking..."hold the hell up, Prince is that you?"
Prince: "Yes bitch it's me, now tell Chantel to get my starfish and coffee and have it ready by noon tomorrow".
Prince hangs up in Jesse's face. Then the doorbell ring. When Prince opened the door he was shocked to see.........
[Edited 11/7/12 5:11am] I will forever love and miss you...my sweet Prince. | |
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"hello prince it's me" "i know .. somehow i just knew" replies prince "i've got it now .. i know what to do .. you don't have to do this" "yes we do" "we?" "oh lord what have i done?" prince again screams to the heavens "you know what u have done!" "yes yes you are right .. i know i know" "vanity is a deadly sin" said vanity in a sensuously evil voice "what doesn't kill u will only make u stronger" vanity playfully pushes prince chest as he stumbled backwards towards the autumn fire by the mantle, while taking off her stockings one at a time. "so these are the stockings u wish u had just left em there?" pinning prince arm to the wall finding a post to tie his arm to with the stockings, vanity pushes herself into prince .. "it's been a while ... i heard u needed ur mojo back" .. prince wrestles her away for a moment but his arm is still hung up and prince just dangles there unable to free himself .. vanity laughs .. "so i hear u like to torture women" she says slowly bending down toward the fire with an evil grin .. | |
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and then, crashing into the rescue, was the beautiful, exotic Cow. She knocked Vanity back into 1983 and Prince leaped on her back and rode to safety. They rode down the Minneapolis highway until they reached a beautiful shimmering lake. Prince stood in the meadow, the sun shining off of his $800 sunglasses.
"Thank you for saving me," Prince said.
"Anytime. So am I going to be your next protege or what?," Cow asked.
"Only if you purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka," Prince said, smirking a smirk of enormous magnitude.
Cow looked at the freezing lake, then back at Prince. At the lake, back at Prince. Lake. Prince. This went on for a half hour. Finally she ambled toward the cold lake and dipped her body into the freezing water.
"Holy hell, that's cold. I think some of my nipples just broke off," Cow said, running quickly back out of the water. Cold and wet she stared at Prince with her beautiful brown eyes.
"So can I be your protege since I just swam in Lake Minnetonka?" Cow asked.
"That ain't Lake Minnetonka," Prince said, his smirk become a supersmirk.
Cow felt anger bubble up in all four of her stomachs. She turned her back on him and kicked her back feet like a mule. She knocked him about 15 feet in the air.
Four hours later, Prince came to and realized that he was...
Eat Mor Horses | |
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Prince didn't know where he was. But he smelled something cooking - meat.
'Aint no place for a Veggie', Prince remarked as he followed the aroma.
He saw a woman tending a large grill in a courtyard, within an ocean of vlolets in bloom. He saw a sign on the wall, couldn't read the writing, cuz it was so small. But according 2 the document she got on the wall.... No More Haters on the Internet. | |
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...There was gonna be a party.
That document was a sign o the times...
At the top of the sign there were symbols and drawn in Lovesexy blue crayon:
˙„ʇɹɐǝɥ ɹnoʎ uı ǝɔɐןd sıɥʇ 2 ǝɯoɔ puɐ ǝʌǝıןǝq
It was written upside down and backwards but Prince could understand it. He knew he had to be there and Pronto. He'd forgotten all about the show. He had a cow shaped footprint stamped into his forehead and these were the days of wild. He pondered, reflected, farted and thought to himself he'd better get a mooooove on.
The crowd had been packed into the place for 67 minutes before anyone hit the stage. When finally somebody did, groans of disapointment rang out as everyone realised it was just a Bill Bailey lookalike soundchecking Ps guitar. Ol Princey loved his guitar. So did the crowd, especially those from Chicago, probably a bit more than he did.
All the purple-haters and the haters of the purple-haters, even some of the haters of the haters of the purple-haters suspected something was up. Nothing new there then. Cries of "This just isn't professional" and "Oh we oh, ohhhh" and "We got a good view darlin" were heard everywhere. Literally.
40 thousand some odd fools up in there were streaming it live from their nano ivaults right across the planet. It could even be heard on planet Lotushower, which was a lot better than that loop they'd heard over and over while trying to make use of the place. They had enough on their plates, trying to sort out all the invisible tee-shirts and count up all the money.
Bill withdrew, deep into the velvety purple curtains. It was something he liked to do a lot of but let's be honest, don't we all. Very few realised that it was Prince in a prosthetic suit, like they use in Hollywood. With more make up than even Prince was used to, they'd created yet another alter-ego. Just what we needed.
Music from a band played a song backstage, "Soul Psychodelicide" or somethin, it was playing on the PA. All the purple party people and even some of the soldiers with strong feet were swaying to the sound, some were getting drinks, some were in the toilets drunkenly singing their renditions of classics from way back when. Others were checking their battery packs and mics were ok but we didn't wanna talk about that so we changed the subject somethin rapid.
"All y'all Orgers and the world"... Shit! He was on!!!
The place erupted. In deep purple flashes of light which Prince insisted on playing with, on and off and on, til the early break of dawn, Orgers in their thousands were rocking, screaming, clapping and whistling the roof off. None of them had missed the boat. A good thing really as they'd been waiting for one to come and sail them all away since Lovesexy.
Some of them were sitting looking half asleep with their arms folded. You know who you are...
The sound was terrific. Prince wasn't gonna let that stop him making eyes at the soundman though. The lightshow was quite literally, blinding. Sheila was dressed in that all in one, one-legged thing from '87. People could see a definite damp patch forming but that was my only indiscretion and I apologise for that, wholeheartedly. Luckily, I hadn't spotted Apples yet.
"Eric Leeds... Germolene" Prince shouted and Eric took off on what sounded like a tramadol induced fit of funkiness. People were coming on from all sides of the stage. Miles, Candy, Greg then Atlanta with Maceo, even Charlie Parker making up the horns. There were two kits on stage, better than having a Kat. Bobby and Sheila both knocked out a beat to what sounded like More Bounce To The Ounce. Miko was backstage knocking one out on his own. Prince was jammin some Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin) with it and it sounded good to ya. Yeah, yeah.
Bootsy and Brown Mark started one of the funkiest jams ever with Rhonda. The rainbow children were truly rising. Proper dirty it was too, they turned that mutha out. After hiding the butter for tha muffin and cleaning up, they all went on stage with James Brown, Jimi Hendrix and Jimi Page. There were a lotta Jimmys about back in those days.
Carlos Santana went on a crazy solo. All about spaceships and that kinda thing, spiritual stuff about David Icke being "The man with the plan" or something. Sly was on the keyboards with Dr. Fink, Boni and Lisa. Tommy Barbarella stood in the wings sulking.
"On the one" said Prince and the band stopped on a euro. It wasn't worth a dime. They were tight as a drum, purple ruppa pumpum.
"Superfunkycalifragisexy" came a voice from the darkness. All the Orgers screamed it back, some of them getting the words wrong in all the excitement. Especially the dyslexics.
Sly and Jimi stepped up to the mic together, hovering just to the side of them was a strawberry chocolate Fender jazz, some mashed potato fuzztone and the biggest....
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... The woman spoke in a foreign tongue with a husky beard on. Stood on one leg and a tell-tale hoof she gently rocked with a twitch as she began to translate the script. 
Prince listened intently, stroking his quizzical face while nursing a peach purple and black eye. He couldn't understand a word she was saying and she smelt kinda funny too. He could read though, if only he'd put on his special golden visor.
"My name is Prince at the moment and I've come 2 play with u"...
And so do we... You'll be reported to the Moderators accordingly. Others wanted to jump out in the aisles and dance but it wasn't cool. The old bones weren't what they used to be and a lot of them were on tablets at their age. Quite a few of them had piles too. They were proper 'purple ol skool'. 
OTa ass hilarious | |
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Case of Prince ever.
I am a lonely painter and drawn 2 those ones who weren't afraid (In that moment every soul in the house was touched by Prince.)
Everyone were on their feet when Prince segway to Compute Blue accompanied by Wendy and Lisa, followed by Mountains. The concert generated enough energy to be seen from space.
Suddenly Prince waved his hand and the band stopped. He walked over to the edge of the stage and announced: Drink my fine purple wine!
Wine rained done from the heavens. A fine Minneopolis wine robust and tasting of pink cashmere, red corvette, lilacs and two scoops of raisins. Every mouth received it's fill and.... No More Haters on the Internet. | |
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An Indian Guy jump on stage bare chested. "I love this Purple Rain, It makes me free sooo sexy!" Spotting Lisa and Wendy he asks them if they would like to join him in Lake Minnetonka.
"Raj!!, Howard get Raj! I knew I shouldn't have come to this hippy dippy concert!" His tall freind in a Batman tee shirt said as a pretty blonde girl and short guy in glasses looked on.
"Nooo this isn't embarrasing at all Leonard", the girl said to her boyfreind
Raj's friend in a dickie got on stage and looked over the crowd he pulled out a deck of cards." Prince isn't the only one who can create magic. Watch closely, though this trick is even cooler in space where I was on the International Space Station"
Prince wasn't pleased with the interuption, not at all...
[Edited 11/11/12 17:22pm] No More Haters on the Internet. | |
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before i go all hizzy fizzy over y'all, he replied i really need to return to my dream factory. in the early hours from dusk till dawn, his future space reincarnation appeared to him and said; when you dream of a future star collision, dream of how you kiss but with your lips and with your souls and your mojo will return to you. just don't be CONfused... he woke up bathing in a cold sweat as if he dunked himself in Lake Minnetonka. he returned with a clear head and said...
[Edited 11/11/12 11:55am] | |
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"I'm Possessed!" | |
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I'm possessed by by the funk! Lady and Gentlemen Chaka Kahn, Bootsy Collins, George Clinton, and my band! Prince spun around at eighty miles per hour, hit a split and pulled his groin.
OOOOWAH! MEDIC! CALL 9-1-1-!!
That's when Flava Flav appeared... No More Haters on the Internet. | |
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Parts of him appeared at least.
He'd been mangled backwards through an Endorphin machine and he hadn't come out too well. Someone backstage had called 911 but they'd called the shit boyband instead of the paramedics. when they'd turned up, obviously clueless, they'd forced themselves into each others 200 balloon knots (A bad thing) and imploded on the spot, so to speak. (Not a bad thing).
Prince was singing 'Possessed' but he'd made a few lyrical changes:
"Something's the matter baby, I'm going insane,
The crowd were going bananas, like the colour of ol pixies trousers. 80 odd thousand nipples stood to black and quite sweaty attention as the Godfather of funk, none other than Jim Brown went cock-eyed and was doing the funky chicken. He sprang up onto the stage to join the baddest band in the Universe. No-one had known he was there, least of all Jim. Pieces of Flavas' excuse for a brain were all over the place. Prince picked up the 'Blue Angel' and with a tug at his trousers, a nod and a wink for the blind, screeched his way into...
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....Screeched his way into...............TEMPTATION From the vineyards of Lavaux back 2 the heart of Minnesota. U R was, and will 4ever B The Purple Yoda.... | |
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With an Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, fonky, fonky feelin...
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a fonky feelin' that give rise to a fonky afflatus. 'gather all former brainchilds', Prince hollered, 'assemble your crew'. and all the personifications of his former brainchilds came together, the time,the family, madhouse...they were all there. 'i call upon all inspirators, in spirit or not', he continued, 'let's work people, let's make some future brainchilds'. 'yeah, let's brew bitches', Miles replied. Sly was dancing to the music and James grunted 'it's too funky...' Joni said, 'this is the fonkiest people's party i've been to', and she was laughing all the hurt away. 'let's come together', Prince said addressing all people, 'we're about to get fonkeeeeeee'. when suddenly a thunder resonated all through the night and out of nowhere Spooky Electric appeared, with an ominous voice he said...
[Edited 11/14/12 9:00am] | |
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"prince its time to stand for all that u crawl for" proclaimed spooky electric
"what the h e double hocky pucks does that even mean" replied prince
"i got 2 sides and they both friends" responded spooky as he turned around to reveal the face of god on his backside
WHAM!!!
and just like that prince was bald as telly savalas
"what did u do that for?!?" shouted prince while sobbing uncontrollably
"that's 4 le petit prince you dumb shit" shouted god/spooky back at prince
"i'm sorry i'll be good" begged prince thru his purple tears
"shut up already" replies god "damn" chimes in spooky
WHAM!!!
prince hight heels turn into flats .. a witches curse for every pair that came before and every pair to ever be
WHAM!!
andy allo turns back into rhea perlman
"and that is for the 20 year crapfest"
amidst all the tortured squeals and pathetic moaning prince could hear the rumble of a motorcycle off stage .. he looked over to see vanity on his old bike .. she gestures with her finger for prince to come over ..
"fuck wit me and get ur mojo back baby .. and this all goes away"
prince takes one look in the bikes side mirror and agrees ..
"climb on" vanity seductively invites
prince moves to mount the bike but vanity quickly hits the gas and pulls just out of prince reach
"just teasing" she says
prince again moves towards the bike but this time vanity just rides away laughing off into the purple horizon .. and there lay prince .. bald .. shorter .. and defeated
meanwhile ...
[Edited 11/13/12 18:22pm] | |
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Prince wakes up startled and confused. He is on a train headed somewhere...and dang if Cat Glover is not sitting next to him.
"Cat," he says confused. "Where am I?"
"You know where we are. The future. 6 districts competing. Each filled with 2 proteges or band members from your past. I'm competing alongside Brown Mark."
"What", "Prince said feeling now he was tripping on some bad soy milk.
"You know, the Hungry Games. Hungry because most of us didn't really get good jobs after we left you. To the death...you know, " Cat said.
Prince was really confused. This sounded like some bad plot twist from some demented fan site. How was he in charge of a "to the death" contest between his former proteges? Was this even legal?
"Who else is competing," he croaked.
"Tommy Barbarella and Martika, Michael Bland and Rosie Gaines...I'm really worried about the team from the Raptonia district. Apparently TC Ellis is still very upset that he was never able to rap."
"Cat, this is crazy," he said, shaking his head.
"I prefer to go my new name. Catniss," she said.
Prince got up and looked out the window. He saw...
All good things they say never last... | |
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Shelby looked at Prince and said, 'Brother, all you need is a shine!' She wiped out a shammy and when to work on Prince's dome. " Now you look as good a me, almost." Prince looked in the mirror and smiled. " Now, I just need to Prince-a-tize it. and he got his black marker and drew his symbol on the side of his skull. Next Prince did a quick costume changed to a Japanese robe and sandals.
Smiling Prince said.....
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I'd like to apologize for jumping the shark with the "Hunger Games" plot twist. My wife made me watch the movie last week and I thought it just might work in the story. It was either this or having Prince play Edward and Morris Day play Jacob in a funky remake entitled "Purple Twilight"
All good things they say never last... | |
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Prince pulled GottaLetitgo aside. "Dude if you want to get into your wife's pants instead of wearing them, then...whisper whisper whisper"
Gotta's eyes buldged
whisper whisper whisper, hide those DVDs and, don't bite too hard, just nibble.
GottaLetitgo smiled ear to ear, shook Prince's hand, and ran all the way home where neither he nor the Mrs were seen for several days.
Now to deal with....
[Edited 11/15/12 13:26pm] No More Haters on the Internet. | |
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Now to deal with....
... A sip from a chocolate-handled turnip was one thing. To deal with the sullen look from a preening badger another. Dazed and confused, oh, so, so confused, Prince settled himself gently into a hot raspberry pancake.
In the pale moonlight he was feeling quite alright and with his supper still unfinished gave a groan. In his little purple closet he remembered a deposit that he'd left in there one day when all alone. With a flash of inspiration and a little constipation Prince then rushed away to seek out his guitar. He was not a bit surprised to see it covered up with flies and with his plectrum poised he summoned up his star. And it turned him on.
"Bupa card in hand is kinda flexy." he began to sing. "Bupa card in hair feels kinda sexy." Now he began to move. As if collapsing, slowly, he let himself fall like a discarded marionette. "I called the law, called the law" he whispered to himself with the voice of a mouse. He felt dejected, unrespected, apoplectic and it was time for the electric.
This was the most poignant and pressing of his purpleness' purple predicaments. If he were to climb once again to the dizzying heights in this world of sinaplenty, back, one mo time on the purple pedestal of Panacea, he'd be needing some help from Camille.
There was a purple suspicion that lurked in his mind that Camille was just around the corner. With a whizbang flip and the whoosh of a shizzle, the questioning paintbrush appeared. "Black, the colour black" he thought to himself, "The strongest hue of them all".
Prince, feeling enchanted, began a ceremonious purple pirouette. Faster and faster, and faster and faster, as the rain began to fall. "I'm gonna stick my long funk in competitions face" He squealed, as he span. "Aint nobody funky like me... Rain is wet, sugar is sweet, I'm clapping my hands and you can smell my feet". Words and pictures played on a 70s looking TV set. Images flashed through his purple bonce and he wondered about copyright law intertwined.
Wham!
They were shit! He thought to himself, as a purple storm burst open the window.
A wee leprechaun, trapped in a jar was driving a '66/'67 T-Bird round in circles inside. Prince could see the wee fella saying something but he couldn't make out what it was. He shouted back to an imaginary band.. "Twenty Five, yeah" and dropped into a split then back up again. Now he could make out the tiny voice. The Leprechaun said he could talk some more and some more but only on a dancefloor baby.
Prince, feeling naughty tonight, took the wee man out of his jar including the car and he played his guitar. Out into the beautiful night the sound permeated with purpleness. In the distance shone a swinging lantern and what looked like a...
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Another good idea. While sunbeams danced from the Cherry Moon above, a purple fog played artsy with his mind. He saw an angel come down unto him. "My Prince" it whispered in his ear, "Don't be a slave, be free". It was very convincing. His name shall not be spoken, his face hidden, let the Music be free.
The Grand Progression has begun, the Exodus is near. The Cross becomes a Christ, The Cross a Staurous, Spirituality.
As the Dawn arrives with the morning light Slave appears on his face. His Angel whispers in his ear "You are now a symbol. You have forsaken your family name, you will now be known as an unpronounceable symbol" . "You will not curse, strip or grind". Past sins shall be gone.
Symbol awoke in the dewy grass, looked behind him and his Angel softly grabbed his hand. "You belong to Jehova and I am your man". His Angel was Larry Graham. [Edited 11/15/12 22:16pm] | |
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Prince picked himself up and ran inside. He knew he had to put his world in order. A hot bath! Just what I need, to soak and sort things out!
'Wendy! Lisa! My Bath!', Prince yelled.
Working like a well oiled machine, they made sure the water was hot - 110 degrees exactly. They made sure the organic scented oils were on hand and the bubbles where fluffy. They made sure the doves were in cages ready to be released on cue. Prince's personal penis cleanser arrived and said: 'Hello Prince' It was... [Edited 11/16/12 9:07am] No More Haters on the Internet. | |
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The irony is this was all in the original script for Graffiti Bridge. All good things they say never last... | |
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Only Prince would know that No More Haters on the Internet. | |
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It was... Camille. Camille said, 'Prince yo head, it's so big?!...'. 'my head is as big as a balloon , so i can blow up in your face', Prince snubbed. 'yo head may be a balloon, but you sure love to ball', Camille replied, 'that reminds me, where's Spooky at?!'. Prince pondered, when suddenly the mood to play hit him. Prince jumped out from his hot bath and he hollered, 'Spooky!!..., where are you??... answer me muthafockah..., let's do It...'. out of nowhere Spooky appeared again and said, 'Prince, assemble your crew, let's get it on...' 'but before we start our face off', Spooky continued, 'let me introduce you to ...'
[Edited 11/16/12 11:05am] | |
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My Lawyers, Suzie Lovelace & Associates.
Prince had an eyebrow raised as he passed the...
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