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The Grand Royal Purple Maestro Prince -- whose new album Planet Earth was released this week -- has always made a habit of reinventing himself and his music.

So excuse me while I reinvent his back story and imagine what it would be like if he had been a college and pro basketball player in the '70s and '80s.

Through all his years in the media spotlight, Prince has maintained a respectful -- though distant -- relationship with pro sports. The Minneapolis native has been photographed courtside at Timberwolves games. He once sang that "Style is the face you make on a Michael Jordan dunk." He goes on tour so often that sports stadiums and arenas are practically his second homes.


Prince made it rain during last year's Super Bowl. (Getty Images)
And talk about a crowning achievement -- his knockout performance at the Super Bowl halftime show in Miami this year wowed fans who hadn't thought about his music since before Justin Timberlake was in daycare. The only way he could have made that night more exciting is if he would have hijacked quarterback duties from Rex Grossman and upset the Colts with a pirouetting bootleg touchdown on the final play.

Ripopgodazippa -- easily a nominee for the most X-rated Prince song ever (any song that made it into the movie Showgirls has to be over the line) -- talks about gettin' it on in the home gym. Here's how one verse starts:

This bench that I normally use 4 the weights My girl, she lay me down ...

... and if you need to know what happens next, let's just say his partner got in her reps for the day.

Can you imagine a Prince exercise video? Well, Eddie Murphy practically did one already in his Little Richard Simmons sketch on Saturday Night Live.

But there has been growing evidence over the years that Prince has a hankering for hoops:

First, there's that classic Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories bit on Chappelle's Show. The brother of Eddie Murphy recounts how a night at the clubs in the '80s ended with Charlie and his buddies getting scorched in a pickup game against Prince and the Revolution -- even though the purple posse was still decked in full glam regalia.

If we're to accept that sketch as evidence, Prince can run the floor, shoot from the perimeter, reverse dunk ... and, uh, levitate. "I dare you to challenge Prince to a game of ball one-on-one," Murphy warns in the aftermath. "You might get embarrassed. Trust me!"

Kevin "Silent Bob" Smith spends a half-hour of his An Evening With Kevin Smith DVD spilling some of the secret life of Prince he learned while filming a documentary at Paisley Park. The chunky filmmaker was obsessed with the funky hitmaker's fashion sense. Why all the Shakespearean getups and high heels?

One of Prince's assistants assured Smith that Prince wears warm-ups and sneakers when he plays basketball. Nothing hand-made. Typical store-bought stuff. From Nordstrom's.

Norstrom's sells stuff in Prince's size? Smith asks. Yes, the assistant explains -- in the boys department. "That is so (effin') cute!" Smith marvels.


Trust us, there was a lot more purple "installed" on Carlos Boozer's house than this. (Provided to SportsLine)
Carlos Boozer tried going one-on-one against Prince last year -- in a lawsuit. The NBA player had rented his Hollywood mansion to Prince for $70,000 a month, then sued after the place got pimped-out Prince style. We're talking stuff like a purple paint job and a Prince Symbol carpet installed in the master bedroom. Boozer's people later had the lawsuit dismissed, but what I want to know is: Can I find anyplace to rent in Hollywood for slightly less than $70,000 a month? If not, can they at least waive the security deposit?

OK, I know what you player-haters are going to point out. How could the 5-foot-2 Prince make it as a basketball player? It's not like Nike makes basketball shoes with high heels.

Yes, it would be an uphill battle. After all, NBA mini-great Spud Webb (5-6) would have four inches on him -- though Prince would be about neck-and-neck with Muggsy Bogues (5-3).

One thing to remember before we kick in the revisionist history. Realize that the back of his jersey would read "Nelson" -- as in his given name is Prince Rogers Nelson. Whenever I see "Prince" in a headline on an NBA story, I do a double-take. It takes me a minute to realize they're talking about Detroit's Tayshaun Prince.

Music man Prince was born June 7, 1958, so let's put him as a freshman walk-on for the University of Minnesota Gophers in the 1975-'76 season (he'll major in music, of course). He contributes minutes here and there, but through an indefatigable work ethic earns himself a scholarship and a starting spot by his senior season.

It doesn't matter who drafts him in 1979. He'll force a trade to the Lakers so he can wear purple.


Guess which NBA'er is Muggsy Bogues? (Getty Images)
Decades before NBA stars released vanity rap albums, Prince devotes his offseasons to making contacts in the L.A. music scene. Unlike how Ron Artest manages his girl group, Prince's girl groups would be successful.

I'm not saying Prince would elevate himself to NBA All-Star status. But he would be on-hand at the Forum in 1983 to lend a guitar solo to Marvin Gaye's spellbinding interpretation of The Star Spangled Banner.

And he would be ahead of his time as an NBA fashion revolutionary. He'd show off every variation of hairstyle, length of shorts and style of shoes and socks. You think Dennis Rodman freaked people out just by painting his hair different colors? What would they have said when Prince took the floor wearing shorts that had holes in the seat so you could see his butt cheeks?

All right, all right, I'll stop with the crazy talk. Prince is Rock and Roll Hall of Fame material, not Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame material.

But you know what? I'll bet Prince could pass as a member of the WNBA. And I don't mean in an alternate reality. I'm talking he could suit up tonight and pull off a Juwanna Mann secret life.

Think of his athleticism: At 49, he's in better shape than a lot of pro athletes, male or female. OK, he doesn't get crashed into by a 250-pond hunk of chiseled muscle during his sets, but between his encyclopedia of dance moves, and the way he has been leaping off speakers twice his size for 30 years, that's a big grind to put on a tiny frame.

I say give him two weeks and he would be in the top 10 in scoring in the WNBA. "Princess Rogers Nelson" would take the league by storm -- and would be able to belt out the national anthem before each game.

Oddly enough, Prince provided me with my greatest sporting moment. This was at the old Miami Arena when Prince was showing off his three-CD Emancipation album.


Would you pay $150 for this white terrycloth towel? (Provided to SportsLine)
The night was Friday, Aug. 15, 1997. My wife (then fiancee) and I had fourth-row seats. During the encore, Prince threw his towel into the crowd.

Maybe it's because I was close to where the actual basketball hoop would have been if the arena were set up for a Miami Heat game, but I suddenly was blessed with mad rebounding skills. Because my seat was on the aisle, I had freedom to have a little more space around me. Not inhibited by the rows of metal chairs, I went straight up, then came straight down with it in my hands. I windmilled my elbows out hard to complete the box out. Prince's towel. Mine!

I shoved it under my shirt for the rest of the show so no one would swipe it. Perfect.

When the lights came on, and the audience starting filing out, I was approached by a South Beach version of Tony Soprano. Big, older guy, blinding electric blue sports coat that distracted from his fake blond hair. "Are you the guy who caught the towel?" he asks.

"Uh ... yeah!" I pulled it out from under my shirt.

"My girlfriend would really like it,' he jerked his thumb back behind him, and I saw his aging beauty queen. "How about I give you a hundred bucks for that?" He whips out the obligatory fat wad of a cashroll from his trousers.

"I don't know," I mused. "It's pretty special." Actually, this was a plain white terrycloth towel indistinguishable from what you would find on a floor of a YMCA. It wasn't even like it was embroidered with a Prince Symbol to prove who it was who wiped what. "How about two hundred?"

"One fifty," he said, letting me know that's that. I said sure.


'Planet Earth' is Prince's latest album. (Provided to SportsLine)
When we left the arena, people were handing out cards advertising an after-show at Prince's club on South Beach. With our new windfall, we sped to the shore. South Beach Tony's donation funded our cover charge and the drinks we started buying for strangers at the bar. Then, after spending two hours in an arena watching Prince play from 10 feet away, we spent an hour in a night club 2 feet from where he kept rocking.

So maybe Prince never did tear up the NBA. At least my basketball skills paid off on the floor of the Miami Arena in front of thousands of cheering fans. Baby, I'm a star.

Down to earth. Oh yeah -- let me at least mention my thoughts on the new album. Planet Earth is 10 tracks long, but so far only three songs really grabbed me. Guitar demands to be heard performed live. Chelsea Rodgers sounds wonderfully like something Sly and the Family Stone would have recorded in the early '70s. And Mr. Goodnight is an amusing comic take on his usual seduction ballads (though if it turns out that Mr. Goodnight isn't meant as a joke, then Prince has officially morphed into "Old Guy at the Club" territory).

On a scale of one to five Prince towels, I give it a three.

2020 said:

This was some funny shit! I'd throw some 'bows over a towel too. LOL!

nice article. very funny to read.

This is funny. Great article.

Fantastic article...thanks!

"old guy at the club status"......That was so dead on...